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THE RANT: WEEK 5 REVIEW

What - y'all thought y'all wasn't gonna see ME? I'm the Osiris of this sh**!!!

(Forgive me - just had to say that. If you know the reference, good on you...)

Week 5 was kinda dope. A day that we were supposed to be wet and miserable due to all day rain turned out to be the best Saturday of the session thus far. It was absolutely beautiful out there after the torrential downpour we experienced that caused Topper and I to call off Breakfast Club games (sorry, folks - when we see 3 lightning bolts in under 2 minutes, we're not fooling around). People were smiling, laughter was everywhere, and man did we have some fun during our games!

Now, let me get to this, cuz it needs to be got to. Look, if you come up to me and say "give us some press/pub" - and I then use my article for that very purpose...you damned well better not be the laughing stock of the league a week later. But here I am looking at Uncle Rico's squirreling away a game with A MINUTE LEFT AND THE LEAD. Meaning they literally could've taken a knee 4 straight times and walked away with a victory. Instead, QB Tim Zielinski goes back to throw, panics, throws the ball to a rushing Kyle Conniff INSIDE THE 10 YARD LINE - and then No Punt Intended eats the clock and ultimately throws to Elena Schratz for the game winning TD (sidenote: Elena thinks I was mean to her in league email correspondence. Little does Elena know I absolutely adore her and secretly speak glowingly of her at every opportunity!). Guys...guys. You make me look foolish even mentioning your names previously. You're still a good team, I still like you guys - but that play was the dumbest play I've seen in a long time in this league. It was so dumb, you guys should probably be booed every time you take the field of play until you make up for it with a division title and at least 1 playoff win. Yes, it was Tim who made the error - but y'all win as a team, lose as a team. 

Talk about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I can't give up any props after seeing that debacle. 

I like Garrett Beesing. I do. But he's on my bad side for beating my little homies Peachy Platoon on a last second tipped jump ball. Peachy and All We Do Is Qwinn? It's no secret those are my two favorite teams - those are my little homies. I don't like seeing them lose. Garrett wasn't exactly gracious in victory when I spoke to him, either. Still like you Garrett - but man, I'm hoping my Peachy Pals get revenge on you!

(I'm torn emotionally this week as both of them play each other...)

Jabronies still winning? Oh - just making sure. Cuz I think I'm the only person really noticing their dominance 'round these here parts...

New to the rule book next session - a $50 bar tab fine to Dave Wilbern any time he decides to cause wet spots all over our fields without there being a single rain cloud in the sky...

(Calm down, people - I'm not "hating". Dave is the homie.) 

Shout out to my main main Mo from Morning Wood who wanted to tell me how much better his team was than the 2 teams he lost to even though...he lost. ROTFLMAO...

Umm - I'm just gonna say some of y'all better REALLY stop trying to skirt around the sub rules. Zero tolerance going forward. Not trying to be mean - but try me. We're at the midpoint, people - y'all know the rules. They haven't changed. Oh - and USE THE UNIVERSAL SUBLIST. That's what it's there for. 

Celebrity sightings this week included Kristen Daniels, Erica from the old Dark Knights squad, award-winning Tommy Hughes, Hitman HEARN, Jilly Batts and Axel, Katie, Pippa and Baby Axel Neff! 

(By the way - if you need a male sub, PLEASE CONTACT HITMAN HEARN).

Not talking about any one person or team in particular, but some of you people - a small, but significant amount - have the most piss poor attitudes on the field. This was started as fun, remains about fun, and is intended to BE fun. Stop acting like jerkwads to your opponents, teammates and (especially) the refs. It boggles the mind that some of you are supposedly rational "adults" how we see you carry on at times. 

We're officially at the part of the session where you might as well not even bother asking us to reschedule games. no - play with who you brought to the dance. We gave everyone the schedule before the session began, and we also asked for schedule accommodations if needed. We don't have any more room. Play it out. 

Is Dubey ever coming back for Title Shot? Cuz umm...they need him. 

Games of the week for Week 6 include:

Bullet Club vs. Title Shot
All We DO Is Qwinn vs. Peachy Platoon
Public Enemy vs. Eyes Downtown
A&A vs. Energy Buff (doubleheader!)
Jabronies vs. Practice Squad (doubleheader!)
Frodo Swaggins vs. Slytherin That End Zone

People - stop asking me about the QB rankings. Stop suggesting things to me about it. I DON'T WRITE IT, NOR DO I HAVE ANY INPUT ON IT. I would think after weeks of saying crap to me and it never turning up in that article, some of you would get it - but some of y'all are some thick-skulled muhfuggas. I literally put my name on the article I write so you know exactly what I'm thinking, and you still cry like newborn hyenas to me about the other articles. I don't write them sh**s. I write The Rant. Believe me - writing that is MORE than enough. 

If you want to ref - please holla at me. Even this late in the season, I'll gladly add you to the list and schedule you if an opportunity presents itself. 

With the exception of the blueberry and mango flavored versions of these drinks - Trulys and White Claws suck. It is beyond my understanding why so many of y'all love those things so much, other than they're way lighter on the stomach than beer. 

Shout out to those of you who think I don't drink cuz I don't do shots or drink buckets every Saturday. That's really cute. Lolz...

Since I'e had this discussion multiple times over the past year, I'll officially put it in my article - no, ladies. I DO NOT know which guys in the league you "obviously" think are attractive until I hear you say it. I don't care what other guys you know do (there's a big cultural difference there, in case you didn't notice) - but I wasn't raised to "grade" men. I don't look at them like you do. So no, I don't know (for example) which Tommy Hughes looks better to y'all. I also don't give a f**k to wonder. Accept this. You don't have to understand it. Not everything is meant for you to understand in life. Just know that when I tell you this, in conversation, I assure you that you are NOT important enough for me to have to lie to you about this. It is truthful, and it is factual to all who know me on a deeper level. Got it? Good. And since you understood, would you...

Stop schemin', and looking hard? I got a great big bodyguard...

I keep trying to find a way to incorporate F, Marry, Kill into my article - but because you all KNOW it's me writing this, there's no way I could do it without feelings being hurt or egos being bruised. no matter how much fun I would have with it. 

But I WILL always answer the question if presented in-person (opposite gender only - I don't play "what ifs" with same sex, NAH).

Random shout out to HomeTech. Cuz I feel like it. 

Shout out to Ugandan Warriors for choosing me to sub in their later game. 

Sincere and heartfelt thank you to Chris Cole who jumped in at the last second to cover when one of the refs was unable to man their field. I owe you, my man. 

Shout out to all the refs who are the heartbeat of this league but never get shown the proper appreciation by the majority of you. I value them immensely. some of you take it for granted, but if those folks aren't willing to put up with your crap - we don't have reffed and managed games. And regardless of what some of you town criers say - they do a very good job for the most part. 

Hoping this week continues the trend of "awesome" we've been building on. See you all Saturday, god willing. Holla at me - I'll be in the cut. 

- Rameer AKA "The Build"

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