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THE RANT: WEEK 7 REVIEW

Okay - let me get to some official football stuff first!

This week is Lenny Alba Appreciation Week! This is gonna be MAD fun. Ice cream truck (free for everyone!), music blaring, prize wheels spinning, Cookie & Elmo & in effect, hot dogs and hamburgers available for purchase...hell. a dunk tank might even make an appearance! This is NOT the week any of you should want to go home early. No, THIS is the week you should want to hang out all day into the night. Because not only are we celebrating the ONLY commish this league has ever had and will ever have, it's the exact type of thing he effin' LOVED. Saturday will be a Lenny day to the fullest - don't be lame and scoot out early. That bar should still be packed with folks by 6pm, EASY. 

(And just cuz we're gonna party and have a great time DOES NOT mean get sloppy drunk, folks - enjoy yourselves responsibly.)

Actually - in reference to that? Credit where credit is due. I've paid attention to you guys all season, and you've done a phenomenal job of looking out for your fellow man and woman. Uber and Lyft rides have been the norm for anyone getting tipsy, and there's a real group collective to look out for anyone who seems like that had too much. Bravo. I truly commend you guys on this, cuz in past years it wasn't as common amongst everyone. But you guys truly have each other's backs, and like seeing you guys act like the family we are. 

Back to LAA Day - I'd like anyone reading this in our league to stop by Vue Rooftop bar Friday night at 7:30pm to meet myself and Topper so we can toast Lenny. It's kind of an impromptu get-together; I figure it would be nice to see you guys in sophisticated casual (that's the dress code) looks so you can see how well you clean up. We'll get together, buy some drinks, have some laughs, and toast the night to our beloved commish  - again, 7:30pm Friday night at Vue Rooftop bar at the top of the Curtiss Hotel.Google it if you're unfamiliar; I hope to see a good number of you there to join us. 

Now - to the not fun part of my Rant. 

So...Saturday was better, but there was still shenanigans with a player and ref. Not going to call out anything specific, as it was and has been addressed and handled. But I'm going to say this - we're done FOR REAL FOR REAL now. This is the last week of the regular season, followed by 2 weeks of playoffs. PLEASE don't be the one who wants to press your luck being disrespectful to our refs. I don't care if you're one of my favorite people - you'll be home for the playoffs. I promise you. We estimate at least 500+ people in our league this session - no one is going to miss your a$$ except maybe your teammates, and you'll have YOURSELF to blame if you're sitting at home. 

I am SO sincere on this. SO. SIN.CERE. 

And one last thing - this is the last week of the regular Spring 2019 season. Sub requests are due by Thursday at 6pm. Those of you TOO LAZY to check with your team about who will or won't be there, or ask your fellow players if they can sub, etc. and want to call, text, email, telegram, etc. me and/or Topper late Friday night?

Let me save you wondering what we're going to say - NO. No, no, NO. It's not OUR JOB to help you cover for missing people you could've made arrangements for earlier in the week. Some of y'all have players even I knew wouldn't be there on certain weeks, and you STILL try the last second crap. Universal Sublist - USE IT. I don't give a crap if you want to use someone super good to replace your super good person - you ask us past 6pm Thursday, your answer is NO. Your option is the USL - DASSIT. 

Now - I've spent so much time discussing league stuff, I haven't addressed a bunch of league goings-ons. Lenny liked bullet points - so damn it, I'mma give bullet points this week!

- Don't think I forgot about Slytherin In That End Zone and Sticky Bandits going Snuggle Bear SOFTas f**k in whining to the refs because Tommy Hughes and Chris Cole were on the sidelines heckling. Really, y'all? Y'all are so Garnier Fructis that a little ribbing from onlookers makes you guys wanna cry in the car? That, by far, is the softest ish I've seen two teams do in a game. TOPPER himself gets heckled playing football weekly. He's never (to my knowledge) whined to the refs to make people stop. I get heckled. Heckling has been a part of every coed touch football league experience I've been a part of since LITERALLY the 90s. 

But somehow, in 2019, this is what passes for "too much" for some folks. 

There are a lot of shenanigans that irk me that I try to clean up. Heckling has honestly NEVER been a behind-the-scenes discussion that was had in the TSL. I like both teams and the players on them - but that sh** was Johnson & Johnson baby conditioner SOFT. That was Drake end-of-the-album ballad SOFT. That was "Care Bear Cousins...CARE A LOT!!!" SOFT. Authentic Egyptian linen with a high thread count SOFT. "It's not butter...it's PARKAY!" creamy spread SOFT. Boyz II Men, matching sweater vests, Down On Bended Knee SOFT. 

Nick Lachey reality show with Jessica Simpson SOFT. American Gangster "Aye, aye, aye, aye! Don't rub on that. You blot that! Ya understand? That's Alpaca. That's $25000 Alpaca! You blot that sh**! You don't rub it!" SOFT. 

I'm almost tempted to write penalties into the rule book for that level of SOFTness. There are Smurfscommitting suicide as a result of your actions because it was too SOFT for even them to live with. Cotton balls all around the country have evolved and are growing spikes in an effort to differentiate that they're not that SOFT. 

Don't y'all EVER let me see y'all do some ish that SOFT again. EVER!!!

- Highlight of my season was seeing Lauren Kelly at the fields. Maybe because I never expected to - but man, was I happy to see her. She still looks great, too. 

- Peachy Platoon is hurting my feelings every time they lose. I want them to win sooooo bad.

- Public Enemy vs. A&A this week? I might have to get a pitcher of some DRANK and enjoy that one!!!

- Jilly Batts was back on the field playing Saturday! Woo hoo!

- For a first timer with no experience? Mike "Rawdog" Rawdin is a solid ref...

 - Don't be lame - if we DO have a dunk tank, ladies better jump in it along with the guys. Let's not have the "10 to 1" debacle from a few seasons ago where I think the only female league members who jumped in were Taylor Pagano, Rachel Parker and Rachel's adorable daughter. C;mon, son. 

- I got to play a game with Hitman Hearn this past week. Just like old times - and the team we subbed for won! Thanks for asking us Over Compensators!

- So...is this a weekly thing now? People show up and just break themselves like brittle Legos? It's all that cot-damned weak-a$$ seltzer water you kids are drinking on, and that emo-a$$ Pop you guys call "music"! You muhfuggas better start drinking some MILK and strengthen your bones up! Good Lord!!!

- Dear white people - "I'm darker than you now!" is never true and never funny just cuz you went from Casper The Friendly Ghost white to french vanilla due to a little sun. Signed - every Black and brown person in the league.

Saturday should be a blast. Let's have fun - and please act like you have some damned sense in your games. We'd appreciate it. See y'all out there - I'll be in the cut! 

- Rameer AKA "The Build"

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