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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, just like that, we’re in Week 4 of the TSL Fall 2021 season. To say things have been less than “normal” would be an understatement. We’ve had quite our fair share of unique scenarios already start to play out here. Just look at this list of ridiculousness:

 

·        For the ‘Fall’ season, each of the first 3 weeks have been very hot. This Saturday looks to continue that trend.

·        Matty Ice not only has A&A as the #1 overall team in all of the TSL, but he’s spent more time on the fields than at the bar.

·        THREE Teams in D1 have only played 1 game so far this season

·        716 has established themselves as D5 favorites after just coming into the league as new team

·        The QB Rankings Committee botched their “Top Female WR Rankings” with relative newcomer Melanie Linsmair placing 3^rd.

·        It’s hard to argue the Bar Legends list from this week though. (Dave Walter over Darryl Carr though, please)

·        Itches and Ohs are 3-1-1, but only have a point differential of 5

·        XTC and Bullet Club are a combined 0-8, and they’ll only get a win this week because they play each other.

·        People are starting to like Blasé LaDuca

 

You see? Pure madness, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

 

So you must be asking yourself: What does it all mean? The answer is very simple. Absolutely nothing. Time and time again I stare at game results and the standings around midseason and I try to predict how things are going to go, and while I’m usually 100% accurate in everything I say, sometimes Topper enters things incorrectly into the website which makes it seem like I’m wrong.

 

However, in the spirit of fantasy football season getting ready to go (and just a day after the greatest quarterback who ever lived, Tom Brady (ever heard of this guy? He’s like if Darryl Carr ever actually tried hard), led his team to yet another victory) I’ll be giving you some Bold Predictions for each division, ranging from mild to spicy.

 

So let’s get to it:

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Tight Ends In Motion 45, Slob Kabombs 19

Tight Ends In Motion 37, Sticky Bandits 30

 

               Not much to report from D1, except the champs are back, doing what they do best. Win football games. But let’s not get things confused here. TEIM and Sticky, in their first meeting since the playoff matchup from last season, had another barnburner here that had Sticky *JUST* fall short yet again.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – Slob Kabombs do absolutely nothing of note the rest of the season besides flirt with going 0—9.

 

Hot – Public Enemy doesn’t get a bye as the “Chris Cole Last Dance” tour only proves that he’s a broken down old man who should’ve walked away a season sooner, and that he’s only been a product of the Lenny/Tommy Hughes system this whole time.

 

Spicy -  Losing Streak and Sticky Bandits meet in the D1 championship game.

 

This Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits vs Slob Kabombs (+10) – A well oiled machine takes on the complete opposite of a well oiled machine. STICKY BANDITS BY 10

 

Public Enemy vs Losing Streak (+1) – Game of the Day. Let’s see just how well the D2 champs measure up to one of the greatest teams ever assembled in the TSL. PUBLIC ENEMY BY 3.

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Eyes Downtown (+6) – Somehow Eyes Downtown, who have been a D1 contender for a decade or so, is getting lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s much more interesting storylines. I think we need a Bobby Beatdown where he just reminds everyone who he is. Sadly, this isn’t it. D1 may have just passed him by, and no amount of Soccer Complex practices can save him. TIGHT ENDS BY 9

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Scared Hitless 36, XTC 20

When Dove Cries 36, Bullet Club 28

Top Shot 33, Notorious BNB 22

Scared Hitless 32, When Dove Cries 28

Top Shot 39, XTC 36

Passed Our Prime 41, Bullet Club 26

A&A 39, Passed Our Prime 38

              

               Scared Hitless continues their hot start in D2, moving to 3-0 with wins over XTC and Team Topper. These are the teams they were losing to last season, so things continue to be on the right track for them. Top Shot also moves to 3-0 in the division with two big wins of their own against BNB and XTC. However, A&A (even with Matty holding a beverage for part of the game) stays on top of the division with a win over POP to move to 4-0. WDC and Bullet Club had a nice back and forth affair, with WDC getting the win on the last play of the game with a dropped gender TD by BC that would’ve tied the game. Bullet Club would go on to lose to POP later in the day as well.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – A&A will go undefeated in the regular season.

 

Hot -  XTC and Bullet Club will go a combined 1-17 on the season, yet somehow both will provide first round upsets in the playoffs.

 

Spicy -  Passed Our Prime will continue their assault on the Points For record book, scoring at an unseen pace in TSL history. However, their defense will remain awful, and they will also set records for Points Against as they can’t stop anyone. They’ll end up 4-5 and lose in the first round of the playoffs.

 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

The Notorious BNB vs When Dove Cries (+7) – BNB tries to pull a fast one on Topper by getting him to play at 9:00am, thinking he wouldn’t be ready. The joke is on them though, as Breakfast Club’s all time winningest QB thrives that early. The last time he played at 9am, he threw TEN touchdowns in a single game. We’ll ignore that most were to the other team. NOTORIOUS BNB BY 4

 

XTC vs Bullet Club (+3) – Two 0-4 teams meet up on the field of battle to see which one of them won’t lose every game this season. XTC BY 9

 

A&A vs Top Shot (EVEN) – Dear Top Shot, you want to be recognized as a great team. You want to go down in history as the best. Well, to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man. Matty Ice stands in your way of glory. Yes, we’re going to ignore that A&A trots out tremendous other players on their stacked roster. If TS wants the glory, they can take it right here. TOP SHOT BY 8

 

Scared Hitless vs The Notorious BNB (+5) – Scared Hitless, see Top Shot above this. New team, starting to thrive in D2, and while this game won’t be as big of a deal as the one above, it’ll still be a damn good one. BNB will be without Dave Baker since TEIM plays at the same time though, so it won’t be as good of a battle as we’d hope. SCARED HITLESS BY 10

 

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

The Angels 43, Last Dance 28

Frodo Swaggins 42, Untouchaballs 40

Grey Hair 47, Super Freaks 27

Freeballers 23, Show Me Dem TDs 16

4^th and Dong 52, Cobblestone 30

 

               The Angels beat up on Last Dance so badly, MULTIPLE INFORMANTS emailed me to tell me how JZ not only cried on the fields, he used a timeout just to quit the game. I hope someone reaches out to him to get him the help he deserves. Frodo slips by Jeremy Burr and the Untouchaballs who have really been balling out this season, despite the 2-2 record. Grey Hair drops the elbow onto Super Freaks, who aren’t playing as bad as may have been reported earlier. They’ll win a few before the season ends. Freeballers sneak past Show Me Dem TDs to get their first of many wins of the season. 4^th and Dong shows they’re a D3 force this season by blowing up Cobblestone as well.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – 4^th and Dong doesn’t lose a game en route to #1 seed in the division.

 

Hot – Frodo Swaggins finishes at .500 and don’t factor into the championship yet again.

 

Spicy – Jeremy Burr leads The Untouchaballs to the D3 title game and wins D3 QB of the Year over Dave Eickhoff and “Couldn’t do it in D2 so I had to go back to hide and thrive in D3” Scotty Dro.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Grey Hair Don’t Care vs The Untouchaballs (+7) – Hot on the heels of my spicy prediction, Burr can prove me right (or very, very wrong) with a great showing here against the 3-0 GHDC. Grey Hair is playing well on both sides of the ball, so it’ll be fun to see if they show any cracks. GREY HAIR BY 8

 

Cobblestone vs Show Me Dem TDs (+6) – Cobblestone sits at 2-2, which shows it really doesn’t matter what division they’re in. While both teams give up similar amounts of points, Cobblestone is just significantly better on offense, which should give them the win. COBBLESTONE BY 10

 

The Angels vs Frodo Swaggins (+8) – Both teams are still finding their legs this season as they both got their first victories of the season last week. The girls dominance over Last Dance gives me hope that they’re “Back”, not they they’ve gone anywhere. If the girls can contain Nick Buczek in the redzone, and force Garrett into a few bad throws, they can take this. They won’t.  FRODO SWAGGINS BY 2.

 

Freeballers vs Super Freaks (+7) – Freeballers have made the change to Dylan Jaloza at QB and it should unlock this offense’s potential on the field. At the very least, they’re getting the right team to work out the kinks (if there’s any) against. FREEBALLERS BY 12

 

Freeballers vs Last Dance (+3) – I’m not sure what’s going on with Last Dance. Is Diva JZ going to be back? Are they good telling him to stay home and not be a distraction? If he stays away, they win, if he shows up, they lose. Being selfish like he was last week is a big reason he’s always a free agent. LAST DANCE BY 6 WITHOUT JZ, FREEBALLERS BY 8 WITH JZ.

 

4^th and Dong vs Last Dance (+8) – It won’t matter if he’s here or not for this game against D3’s newest juggernaut though. 4^th AND DONG BY 13

 

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Vaspian 42, Today’s Feast 16

Cunning Stunts 35, Today’s Feast 14

Practice Squad 35, Puckett All-Stars 30

Breast Friends 35, Zack Attack 15

Zack Attack 55, Titsburgh Feelers 25

Itches and Ohs 46, Buffalo Vice 46

Titsburgh Feelers 32, Falconies 30

Cunning Stunts 50, GUCCI 15

 

               Every team in D4 has at least 1 win now as Vaspian, Breast Friends, and the Titsburgh Feelers all pick up their first wins. Itches and Ohs tied Buffalo Vice at 46 as two of the top D4 teams had a crazy battle. The Stunts keep rolling with 2 wins at a combined score of 85-29. Practice Squad gets a very good win against Puckett in a “probably will matter for tiebreakers later” matchup.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – The Cunning Stunts, now at full strength after a year, continue to roll and win D4, moving up to D3 to resume the battle with The Angels

 

Hot – Breast Friends are the team that loses to the Stunts in the championship game.

 

Spicy – Itches and Ohs AND Practice Squad get upset in the first round of the playoffs, and the Falconies end up being one of the teams that miss them completely.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Buffalo Vice vs Titsburgh Feelers (+12) – Buffalo Vice can score regardless of who the QB is. Titsburgh Feelers sort of can’t stop anyone. Not the recipe they’re going to need to pull off this upset. BUFFALO VICE BY 20

 

Cunning Stunts vs Practice Squad (+8) – The Stunts end up losing Renee Lantz to her actual team, but I think they’ll still be able to weather the storm here. The once fearful PS defense has been abysmal this time around. CUNNING STUNTS BY 5

 

Vaspian vs Gucci (EVEN) – Vaspian won this past week big because they got QB Brian Orzo back from injury (he wasn’t the reason they lost 30-8 the first week, as his email to me nicely pointed out), and with some new faces they have a renewed confidence in themselves. Gucci is, as far as I know, a team chock full of continuity for the last few seasons, which can never be underestimated. This should be a really good game. GUCCI BY 1

 

Falconies vs Today’s Feast (+10) – Just because I made my Spicy prediction about the Falconies doesn’t mean they won’t ever win again. TF hasn’t been great since a big Week 1 win, and that trend may look to continue this time around against Kicak and company. FALCONIES BY 17

 

Breast Friends vs Gucci (+9) – If the “Kelly Kane is the regular QB” rumors are true, this is the time to fully unleash her on the TSL. The way to beat a gender team is to score all gender TDs, and having a female slinging the rock will get you there. Add in taking your fastest guy or girl on your roster to rush Travis Cleavanger-Bernal and not give him the 12 minutes per play he takes scrambling before something opens up and you have the ingredients to win this thing. GUCCI BY 7

 

Cunning Stunts vs Breast Friends (+4) – LETS GOOOO. Gender games are the absolute best in the league, and we’ve got a great one to end the day. The Stunts have played together longer. Joey Batts is a better QB than Travis, but Travis is a better defender. The problem for BF is that when gender teams meet in the TSL, the gentlemen don’t play defense because we’re all about Girl Power here. That takes away any advantage for the BFs. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Wasted Potential 42, Lettuce Win 20

Wasted Potential 35, Come From Behind 24

Spinelli’s Plumbing 39, TOX 24

WoodPeckers 37, TOX 21

Spinelli’s Plumbing 42, Come From Behind 39

716 44, Not So Sticky 30

 

               Big day out of Wasted Potential as Coach Jay appeared this week and helped them win two games that they really should’ve won. MaKensey Pietz has put together a killer squad yet again. Spinelli’s gets their first two wins in D5, helping keep TOX and CFB winless on the season. The Woodpeckers find a home in D5 and they hammer out their first win in what feels like forever. Finally, 716 stays on top of the division with a win over NSS.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – Wasted Potential and Spinelli’s Plumbing meet in the finals

 

Hot – Woodpeckers never lose a game until the playoffs.

 

Spicy – Not So Sticky makes a commitment to being sober and focuses on their on field play, resulting in a sterling 3-6 final record.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Come From Behind vs TOX (+3) – Both teams are very similar matched in our battle of the 0-3s. The biggest difference is that Paul LoVullo is a fantastic QB who has seen it all in his career, which started back in 1875. There’s nothing TOX can throw at that kind of experience to surprise him. COME FROM BEHIND BY 13

 

Not So Sticky vs Lettuce Win (+3) – I’m not sure how the “early” game will affect NSS, but I’m sure it just means they’ll be having halftime mimosas instead of shotgunning trulys or whatever they do during halftime. I’d still like to know more about Lettuce Win, so hopefully they email me and inform me. NOT SO STICKY BY 1

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Wasted Potential (EVEN) – HERE WE GO! This is a marquee matchup pitting two of D5s best against each other. After both teams went a combined 4-0 last week, it only makes sense for them to battle each other and see who’s on top of the mountain. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 4

 

716 vs Woodpeckers (+6) – Woodpeckers had an easier game against TOX to get acclimated to playing again, but they get thrown right into the fire against a surging 716. 716 has been really awesome this season so far, even though I don’t know much about them either (hint hint Mr. Pew). Anyway, I think 716 continues to roll. 716 BY 7

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Woodpeckers (+7) – After a hard fought game against Wasted Potential, Spinelli’s gets the Woodpeckers. The Peckers are also on their second game of the day, and I think they’ll be getting a big win to make this the winningest season in Woodpeckers history. WOODPECKERS BY 8

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Blitzkrieg 22, Lenny’s Ladies 0

TMA 30, Blitzkrieg 29

 

               It was a very Blitzkrieg heavy day for D6, as BK went 1-1 with a win over Lenny’s Ladies and a close loss against TMA.

 

BOLD PREDICTIONS:

 

Mild – TMA runs the table, going undefeated on the season.

 

Hot – Lenny’s Ladies doesn’t win another game the rest of the season

 

Spicy – Victorious Secret has a great playoff, beating TMA (who will go to Johnny Dio full time after this season) to win the D6 championship. Jordan Lawson pairs this D6 title with his D1 title and takes both championships back to Game On!, never to be heard from in the TSL again.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

TMA vs Victorious Secret (+7) – You know, for a TMA team that decided to hide in a weakened D6 instead of moving up to D5, they’re not dominating as much as I thought they would. They had to sneak out a win against Graves Bros, and again against Blitzkrieg a week after beating them by 9. VS had a great Week 1 but we haven’t seen them since. Perhaps some rust has formed. TMA BY 3

 

Graves Bros vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) – Lenny’s Ladies beat Graves Bros last year in a semi-surprising upset that sent Graves Bros in a tailspin that haven’t quite fully pulled out of. They’ll be attempting to right the ship this time around. GRAVES BROS BY 6

 

Victorious Secret vs Lenny’s Ladies (+1) – Last season these two teams had an excellent matchup that was more exciting than it had any right to be. Lenny’s Ladies pulled off the late win that time, but they don’t have superhuman Robin Makula on the team anymore to bail them out.  I expect to see VS “get their win back” in another exciting game. VICTORIOUS SECRET BY 4

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. Are you donating to the Veterans? The TSL did AMAZING with the donations in Week 1 of our charity drive. Topper was overwhelmed! We’re doing it for one more week, and we encourage all who would like to donate to do so again. We have more than enough Soap, Shampoo, and Toothbrushes, so if you’re wondering what to donate please grab socks and underwear!

 

2. Are you spinning the wheel? The Topper sports wheel is making its return, and for $5 you get to spin the wheel. Topper will be giving out prizes and you get delicious homemade pudding shots as well! Come have fun as we raise some cash for a good cause!

 

3. Are you staying hydrated? Another scorcher seems to be in the cards for you guys at the fields (mind you, its going to be 95 degrees here in Des Moines) so remember to drink your fluids and use sunscreen. Be smart.

 

4. Who will be on top of D2 when the day comes to a close? Top Shot is going to beat A&A, but I think Notorious BNB will beat Scared Hitless, meaning Top Shot will be on top after this week.

 

5. Which ‘Spicy’ level prediction do you think actually can happen? I think its very plausible that Jordan wins D1 and D6. People are underestimating the pink.

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. How have you guys not had a dunk tank yet when it’s been so hot?

 

2. Thank you to everyone that donated to the Veterans last week (and will this week!). That’s so awesome and you really did show just how great this league really is.

 

3. I do this a lot, but another shout out goes to Coach Jay for being just awesome. He’s busy being an actual coach, a great dog dad, dealing with his wife, setting the referee schedule, finding more refs, and just does it all with that smile on his face. Thank you.

 

4. Here are the best games to watch this week:

               9:00 – Notorious BNB vs When Dove Cries

               10:00 – Grey Hair vs Untouchaballs

               11:00 – Losing Streak vs Public Enemy (Sorry Top Shot vs A&A)

               12:00 – Victorious Secret vs TMA

               1:00 – Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Wasted Potential

               2:00 – Woodpeckers vs 716

               3:00 – Cunning Stunts vs Breast Friends

 

5. Thank you to the TSLers who take the time to email me, as always. I got a few new emails from some teams I hadn’t heard from in a bit this week and it was very helpful! Please take a second to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. so I know more about your squad!

 

6. I still hear the same old intro to the podcast Joe K. However, this week’s episode with Dylan and Blasé was surprisingly fun to listen to. We need more Joey Batts though.

7. Where is B’s Brother? Someone needs to find him, it’s been far too long.

 

8. With the recent “rankings” the TSLQBPRC has been churning out, it got me thinking what other good lists should they put out? Best teams ever? Hall of fame lists? Most creative teams? Best jerseys?

 

9. I usually get a lot of complaints by Week 4 about the field conditions. I haven’t received any really. Am I to assume they’re great? Or are people tired of complaining.

 

10. I haven’t heard of DJ Jimmy or Tommy appearing to play music. Considering how nice it’s been, maybe we should get the tunes pumping?

 

We’re smack dab in the middle of another interesting TSL season, and with the way the first 3 weeks have gone, we’re in for some craziness for the next 6. Buckle your seat belts.

 

I look forward to hearing about how this week went.

 

Go Bills.

 

-GF

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