Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality is almost here. What do you mean we’ve been playing for 7 weeks already? That’s just the preseason. Everyone knows the TSL “regular season” is just an excuse to practice for the end of season tournament known as the playoffs (except for those of you in D4, who will sadly have 2 teams miss out on the Playoff Excitement) and test out your livers at the bar.
The Regular Season isn’t exactly “pointless”, as it fosters rivalries, fun times, and really gives teams a chance to figure things out. And of course, while only D4 has teams in danger of not being a part of the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality, the other divisions (besides YOU D3) have bye weeks to play for.
“But all wise and knowing Godfather, why would a team want a bye week? Don’t they want to play football and not get rusty?!?!”
Only if they’re idiots. If there’s one thing that can be promised for the playoffs, it's that crazy things will happen. Top seeds will lose to bottom seeds. Favorites for the championship will be sent home early. Even the “Slam Dunks” out there. One of the biggest reasons everyone loves this league is because everyone (except for you, Freeballers) has a legit chance to make some magic happen and win the championship. Getting the bye week ensures that you’ll be on the field during Championship Saturday, and that’s the only way to guarantee that. Or, well, being in D2 and finishing 2nd to play The Replacements. That might be a guarantee too.
So before we get into what’s at stake this week for each divisional race, let’s remind the TSL Universe about the answer to the most asked question in the final week of ANY TSL regular season: What are the tiebreakers?
The first tiebreaker, of course, is “Points”, which are awarded as 3 points for a win, and 1 for a Tie. But most of you know that already. The next tiebreaker is Head to Head. Most teams have played each other at least once, so if you beat the team you’re tied with, you finish above them. Makes sense. But what if you played twice and split the series? Well, we move on to Head to Head Score Differential. What that means is combined score in all of your games against the team you’re tied with, apparently among common opponents? I don’t fully understand Topper’s weird formulas either. If you’re magically tied after this, it goes to overall Point Differential, and then just Points For. If you’re tied after all of that, your captains will be locked in a cage against Cookie Monster, Elmo, and B’s Brother, and whoever escapes first will win. Basically, beat the team you’re playing and don’t leave it up to something Topper invented.
There are a few things at stake in just about every single division, so the games this week matter to a degree. Let’s get into it.
D1:
Last Week’s Games:
Legends 36, Tight Ends In Motion 30
Sticky Bandits 36, Eyes Downtown 24
Grey Hair Don’t Care 33, Scared Hitless 33 (TIE)
Passed Our Prime 21, The Replacements 0 (Forfeit)
The Legends immediately get their win back and I was told there were fireworks afterwards. We’ve got ourselves a D1 rivalry! We haven’t had teams yelling at each other since the glory days of Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown, and what do these two “disagreements” full of smack talk have in common? Boccio and Heather. Not a surprise. Sticky Bandits finally beat someone ahead of them in the standings, as they begin to peak at the right time. Grey Hair Don’t Care and Scared Hitless battle hard against each other in a tie, and Hogan is saved the embarrassment from losing to The Replacements as they had to forfeit.
What’s At Stake: The fate of the TSL Universe. But not really. Tight Ends In Motion can secure the bye week with a win this week in a D1/D2 Crossover Game with Frodo Swaggins. If the Legends win, and TEIM loses, they get the bye. As for the others, Sticky can win both of their games and finish 3rd overall over Eyes Downtown, and the bottom half of the division can get all jumbled up as well.
This Week’s Games:
Legends vs Eyes Downtown (+6) - This game means a lot for the Legends, as both Sean and Joey were in my email inbox this week crying over their rankings for some reason. As a result, I think they’re in “prove it” mode, and they’ll want to finish out strong. Eyes Downtown doesn’t have much to play for, they’re in 3rd or 4th either way. LEGENDS BY 12
Sticky Bandits vs Passed Our Prime (+20) - What a season for POP. It just feels like they were never able to fully replace Kyle/Sean and as a result they’ve suffered for it. A date with TEIM/Legends in the first round seems to be their fate. Sticky, however, is on the upswing. It hasn’t been a top season for them, but they’ve still proceeded to show up each week. They should blow POP out. STICKY BANDITS BY 17
Sticky Bandits vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - Grey Hair attempts to have that late season magic once more, but it's proving harder in D1. 2-5-1 isn’t a season to remember and chances are they’ll be running for the bus (literally, i believe) in this one. Sticky needs this game to probably secure 3rd place, so they’ll be all business. STICKY BANDITS BY 14
Scared Hitless vs Passed Our Prime (+6) - Scared Hitless seems to have stagnated a little bit this season, perhaps they’re just trying to get to the playoffs and then kick it up a notch. I was surprised to see them tie Grey Hair, and it feels like they’re ripe for the picking against a hungrier POP squad. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 2
SUPER IMPORTANT D1/D2 CROSSOVER GAME
Tight Ends In Motion vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) - I hope both teams are at full strength, because it’ll be nice to see if the rumors of “Frodo is a D1 team” are true. In reality, other than seeing how well they’d fare in D1, Frodo has nothing to play for. They’ve clinched the number one seed in D2 (even with a loss) thanks to beating NPI worse than NPI beat them. TEIM is playing for the bye in D1, so they “need” this game a bit more. TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION BY 12
D2:
Last Week’s Games:
Frodo Swaggins 51, No Punt Intended 12
Buffalo Vice Retro 37, The Untouchaballs 36
Freeballers 34, DILFs 32
Frodo beats up on a weak NPI team to claim the D2 bye for the playoffs, Buffalo Vice Retro upsets The Untouchaballs as whispers about replacing Seth for the future start to get louder, and the Freeballers probably got the DILFs drunk at the bar before the game, beating them by 2 to take sole possession of 3rd place.
What’s At Stake: Honestly, not too much. Frodo Swaggins has already clinched 1st and the bye, and No Punt Intended has already clinched 2nd place and The Replacements (7 seed, also a basic bye). That leaves the 3-6, 4-5 matchups to be decided, and that’s where things get fun. If the Freeballers win, they finish 3rd, with the Dilfs/BVR winner in 4th. If the Dilfs win, and The Untouchaballs beat The Replacements, UT finishes ahead of BVR based on the head to head differential. If Freeballers lose, and BVR wins, BVR finishes 3rd based on a 20-13 victory over Freeballers. If Freeballers lose and Dilfs win, Freeballers win that tiebreaker. The point is, a lot of shaking up can happen here between the 3-6 teams in the division.
This Week’s Games:
No Punt Intended vs Freeballers (+7) - This game probably means next to nothing for NPI, as they’re more focused on keeping everyone healthy for the playoffs. It means a lot to the Freeballers who are desperate to be considered legit contenders for the throne in D2, but are still seen as a step or two below the Frodo/NPIs of the world. Even with that, I expect NPI to barely show up and Freeballers take home a big win. FREEBALLERS BY 8
DILFs vs Buffalo Vice Retro (+7) - As described above, a pretty big game for each team, although I’m sure they care who they play in the playoffs. Props to BVR for finally seeming to figure things out. They’re winning and looking a lot more like a contender than they had in the first few weeks of the season. The DILFs are right on schedule with their 4-5 or 3-6 record, and then Dubey will show up in the playoffs and they’ll end up playing in the finals somehow. BVR keeps the good times rolling. BUFFALO VICE RETRO BY 3
The Untouchaballs vs The Replacements (+25) - Not exactly the season that UT dreamed when they joined D2, but then again I guess I could say the same for The Replacements too. Not much to say here, Burr and Company get it together before the playoffs. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 19
D3:
Last Week’s Games:
Scott Seniors Starting 34, Bullet Club 25
Bullet Club 39, Can’t Touch This 26
Practice Squad 37, 716 28
Get Schwifty 46, Can’t Touch This 8
716 27, Get Schwifty 16
Mountain Dew Me 42, Itches and Ohs 25
D3 continues to be pretty tight everywhere in the standings, Bullet Club drops a game to Scott Seniors Starting before going 1-1 after beating Can’t Touch This, who would lose to Get Schwifty, who would then lose to 716, who had just lost to Practice Squad. Somewhere in there, Mountain Dew Me smacked around Itches and Ohs too.
What’s At Stake: Seeding galore! It’s an 8 team division here, so everyone is going to make the playoffs. But who’s playing who? Bullet Club is leading the division at 6-2, and even with a victory over Get Schwifty, they can’t clinch 1st overall. The “controversial” loss to Mountain Dew Me means that if MDM wins both of their games this week, They’ll finish 1st overall in D3. 716 is currently in 2nd place at 5-3, but they play MDM. If 716 wins this game, Bullet Club loses theirs, and MDM goes on to beat Can't Touch This, all of them will be 6-3. Some fancy tiebreaker math says that in this scenario, the Head To Head games would have 716 at 2-1, Bullet Club at 1-1, and MDM at 1-2, in which case, MDM gets eliminated and it goes to BC vs 716, which BC beat them, and we’d finish Bullet Club 1st, 716 2nd, MDM 3rd. I think. This is when Topper’s magic machine just does its work and everything I just said is probably wrong. It just gets worse from there. Practice Squad and Itches and Ohs play for who finishes 8th. The winner can move up higher with a Get Schwifty loss, and if CTT loses both of their games they could move up as high as 5th. CTT could win both and jump from 6th to 4th. This entire division is a complete mess seedings wise.
This Week’s Games:
716 vs Mountain Dew Me (+3) - Game of the day potential. 716 already beat MDM once before, and a win here gives them 2nd place for sure. MDM has been on a pretty good streak this season after a slow start, and they have 1st place in their sights. I’m voting for max chaos in the standings. 716 BY 1
Mountain Dew Me vs Can’t Touch This (+10) - CTT could get TONS of momentum with two massive wins over MDM (and SSS after this). People have talked for the longest time about how handsome/talented Ryan Dougherty is, and it was this time last season that CTT shocked the world and rolled to the D4 title game. With Anthony “The Better” Battaglia there as well now, maybe its time for an upset. CAN'T TOUCH THIS BY 7
Scott Seniors Starting vs Can’t Touch This (+8) - SSS gets a downgrade at QB this week as Scotty Dro takes over for Dylan Jaloza who subbed last weekend. CTT might shock the world an hour earlier, but not twice. SCOTT SENIORS STARTING BY 8
Bullet Club vs Get Schwifty (+9) - Bullet Club took the victory in Week 1 of the season when these two teams met. Since then, Schwifty has been up and down, but they’ve been better as of late as the team starts to meld together. BC has lost 2 of their last 3, but they’ve been in both of the losses. BC will know before the game starts if it means anything (MDM going 2-0 means BC will be 2nd no matter what) which will affect the outcome. BULLET CLUB BY 8
Practice Squad vs Itches and Ohs (EVEN) - These two teams already tied once, so they’re evenly matched. Don’t look now though, but Practice Squad might be starting to get it together at the right time. Meanwhile, Itches and Ohs feels like they’re just off this whole season. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 10
D4:
Last Week’s Games:
Vaspian 27, Spinelli’s Plumbing 18
Buffalo Vice 50, TOX 8
Buffalo Vice 47, Travis Henry’s Kids 20
Puckett All-Stars 48, Travis Henry’s Kids 19
Zack Attack 39, Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 8
Zack Attack 48, Cobblestone 12
Cunning Stunts 53, Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 36
Vaspian shuts Spinelli’s down and announces they’re a force in D4. Buffalo Vice goes off against teams that they were in the “race” for missing the playoffs in, and they clinch a playoff spot. Puckett continues to dominate. Zack Attack showed last week was a hiccup, and they just continue to dump points on the league, going 2-0. THK and ILF both go 0-2 in games they should probably be trying harder to win in. The Stunts also walk to 8-0 with a relatively easy win.
What’s At Stake: Not much at the top. The Stunts will make a run at being 9-0, and Puckett is right behind them at 7-1. There will be some movement for the 3-7 seeds, but the REAL fun is right there at the bottom of the standings. Right now, NOBODY is officially eliminated from the playoffs (probably). Our wild tiebreakers can come into play for who makes and misses the playoffs between THK (2-6), Cobblestone (1-7), and TOX (1-7). Here are the scenarios:
-If THK wins against the Cunning Stunts, THK clinches the 8 seed, TOX and Cobblestone are eliminated.
-If THK loses and :
Wild things are at stake here.
This Week’s Games:
Puckett All-Stars vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+7) - Puckett has been fantastic since becoming “All We Do Is Qwinn Lite”, and it's awesome. They’ve been incredibly fun to hear about all season and this is no different. Spinelli’s got a bit humbled last weekend, and I expect a bounce back. Take the over in this one. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 8
Buffalo Vice vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+8) - Buffalo Vice is really starting to figure it out, and at the same time ILF is struggling. They’re without their QB for the rest of the season and they just look discombobulated. It's not the year of the ILF. BUFFALO VICE BY 12
Vaspian vs Cobblestone (+6) - Cobblestone isn’t dead, but there’s not much to suggest that they’re up for this challenge. It’s been an off year for Darryl, and unfortunately I think it ends with him and his crew missing the playoffs. VASPIAN BY 9
Cunning Stunts vs Travis Henry’s Kids (+17) - The entire world knows what the girls can do. They’re more than likely going to score on every possession, so THK needs to follow suit. They’ll need to get gender TDs along the way, but with the playoffs on the line, nobody would blame John Langley for just throwing bombs to Pistol Pete on every single play. The girls are very good, but there isn’t one of them that will be able to match up with him. Of course, does this essentially count as a playoff game? If so, +17 might not be enough points to give with Playoff Langley hanging around. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12
Zack Attack vs TOX (+13) - TOX comes into this game with a playoff spot potentially on the line. As stated above, TOX needs a Cobblestone win to stay alive in the playoff race and they’ll know ahead of time if they get it or not. Hopefully they get the weak version of Zack Attack at 3:00 and sneak one out. Probably not though. ZACK ATTACK BY 18
D5:
Last Week’s Games:
Come From Behind 26, Woodpeckers 14
Passing While Intoxicated 24, TMA 14
Woodpeckers 45, Today’s Feast 8
Let’s Get Reccked 35, Today’s Feast 22
Come From Behind continues to roll against any team that isn’t TMA. Speaking of TMA, they’ve now lost two in a row and seem to be primed to blow it in the playoffs yet again. The Woodpeckers hung tough with CFB and then blew out Today’s Feast, who went 0-2 this week as they also lost to LGR.
What’s At Stake: TMA and CFB have the two bye weeks locked up. If they both win, TMA takes the #1 seed based off their 2 wins over CFB this year. There can be some movement in the 3-6 matchups. If LGR beats the Woodpeckers, they can jump Today’s Feast if TF loses to TMA. PWI can finish 3rd with a win over CFB, but a loss and a WP win gives the Peckers 3rd.
This Week’s Games:
Come From Behind vs Passing While Intoxicated (+10) - PWI seems to get the better of TMA, but not so much for CFB. Come From Behind gets ready for the playoffs. COME FROM BEHIND BY 18
Woodpeckers vs Let’s Get Reccked (+7) - Woodpeckers have been pretty good as of late, now that their team shows up. They really got in the zone they were in just before they surprised everyone with a D6 title. They’ll be a hard out in the playoffs. WOODPECKERS BY 10
TMA vs Today’s Feast (+12) - If there’s a team in the TSL that needs a “get right” game, it’s TMA. They’ve been losing games they should be winning, and they know it. They’re too talented to mess up another “should be” title at this point, right? Today’s Feast has been as good as they ever were, but they’re just not quite on TMA’s level currently. TMA BY 8
D6:
Last Week’s Games:
Blitzkrieg 42, Superior Moser Squad 9
Not So Sticky 27, Punt Cakes 26
BK and NSS continue to dominate the division, as BK takes a nice win over SMS and NSS sneaks by Punt Cakes.
What’s At Stake: NSS already has the #1 seed wrapped up, as they have the tiebreaker over Blitzkrieg by 1 point (again, I think anyway, can’t stress this enough). Right now, SMS and Lenny’s Ladies have the 3 and 4 seeds. SMS is guaranteed to be either of those seeds, but Lenny’s Ladies could lose to NSS and the Tuddies this weekend to end up in a potential three way tie (if the Cakes and the Tuddies win their other games as well). There are quite a few options here as well.
This Week’s Games:
Superior Moser Squad vs Punt Cakes (+2) - SMS is looking to end the season on a high note after a few hiccups, while Punt Cakes is getting to the finish line looking pretty strong. They just took on NSS and almost beat them. They’re peaking at the right moment. PUNT CAKES BY 8
Lenny’s Ladies vs Two Tuddies (+8) - Lenny’s Ladies look awesome some weeks, and other weeks they just can’t quite get into the end zone. They shouldn’t have that issue against the Tuddies, who are still working on how defense works, and I’m not sure the Tud Buds have the females to keep up with the gender TDs. LENNY’S LADIES BY 6
Not So Sticky vs Lenny’s Ladies (+13) - The last time these two teams met, NSS blew out the Ladies with Jeff Krol at QB. Now they’re going to get their “usual” QB behind center, (but not their best, Christine)which means things might be even more of a blowout here. NOT SO STICKY BY 20
Blitzkrieg vs Two Tuddies (+10) - Blitzkrieg looks every bit the part of a Spring D5 team whether they win or not. The Tuddies are just not on their level right now. BLITZKRIEG BY 17
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:
The road to Social Co-Ed Football Glory is right in front of you all. Go out there and take it.
-GF OUT