The Crumb Chronicles
What is the best animal on our lovely blue planet?
Is it the Tiger? No, they are angry and too aggressive. Is it the Bull-Moose? No, they are too loud and Canadian. Is it the Eagle? No, they are bald and no one likes a bald creature. The best animal is the one that can hide, be in plain-sight, but not seen, to live in any environment, to eat and be satiated with just a simple little crumb.
Team: Buffalo Vice
Buffalo Vice has been around since 2003, making them one of the league’s true old-guard teams. They were also among the first to escape the dark days of “Miles Sports” and follow Topper to the Rose Garden when he got things rolling back in 2011.
Captained by Dan Gonzalez, who frequently shops at Wegmans, Quarterbacked by Andy Clark, and having original members of Dan’s brother Jason, Amy, and Matt McDonald. They have a D4 Championship around their belt and recently have been bouncing between D2 and D3.
After a close 33-34 loss to Practice Squad, the team was gathered together talking about the good old days; before they all had kids and could hangout on a weekly basis, at the bar, their homes, or at the beach. Those days might be harder to come by now, but the tradition hasn’t completely disappeared. Once a season, Buffalo Vice still makes sure to get everyone together for a team party, adding another layer of glue to a friendship that has somehow kept this group together for more than two decades.
As a team, they could not stop fawning over Caitlin Mason, who is their hidden gem, characterized as shift, dynamic, and very coachable.
She has one glaring weakness and it is being the slowest counter in the history of the league.
The problem has apparently become serious enough that Buffalo Vice discussed pooling their money for a Duolingo subscription in hopes of improving her counting skills. To try to get out of paying, Mark Brown asked a question to one of their players if their 6th toe was slowing them down on the field.
If you have ever been confused with “Wait, isn't there another Buffalo Vice in some other league?” The answer was yes, the Vice Family grew so large that they performed a football version of mitosis and set out on two different paths. That Buffalo Vice is now dead and gone, while the original one keeps growing, alive and well.
Team: Powerpuff Girls
Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the TSL’s 2025 Team of the Year. But Professor Kyle accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: a bunch of girls who can catch, run crisp routes, and make defensive coordinators miserable.
Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born!
PPG has been one of the league’s most entertaining teams, winning both of the D4 and D5 championships in D4 and D5, at the expense ofTwo Tuddies. However, following a pregnancy pact, the original squad hit their endgame and a new batch of talent stepped in.
Enter Maddie, Kayla, Jill, Molly, Chloe, Jill, Bixby, and a few more.
The second generation of PPG who haven’t been as successful in the win column as years prior, but are just as fun to watch.
The Sidelines always have a large crowd, with audience members making comments:
“They have the top two girls in the league on this team!”
“Molly might have the fastest straight line speed I’ve ever seen”
“Is that Clyde Bixby’s wife?”
The other massive change to the team was adding Drew Butler from Eyes Downtown on defense in replacement of Cody Stumpf. Drew has been making it look easy with one handed interceptions in each of his games, trying to give himself another challenge.
When asked of their highlight, it was the team’s back to back championships and seeing Kyle Coniff win D4 QB of the year. The lowlight is when PPG used to be known as Father Baker, named after Dave Baker, who is a father and was the original quarterback, was shut out 26 to 0 in their first playoff game back in Fall of 2023.
The team is primed to take D4 once again as they routinely put up points. This week's matchup will feature D1 teammates vs D1 teammates, as Kayla Voss and Jill Fittry intend to show Jeff Krol and Mike Thomas who the real reason for the Sticky Bandits success is. Kayla Voss was overheard taunting Mike Thomas by exclaiming “I’ll teach you how to run a Post-Corner next week.”
Team Name: Balls Deep
A group of friends, family, veterans, newbies, and even more people who really don’t like Not So Sticky. That’s the recipe behind Balls Deep, a team roughly four years old that was founded in 2022 by Chris Twaragowski and quarterbacked by backwards-hat-wearing Chad Biersbach. For anyone who follows football news, you already know how analysts feel about quarterbacks wearing backwards baseball caps. Character concerns everywhere
Balls Deep doesn’t really hate Not So Sticky, but there’s definitely some unfinished business there. Mostly because Not So Sticky prevented Balls Deep from completing what could have been their own Infinity Gauntlet of TSL Championships.
Starting in D6, Balls Deep conquered it, after a while.
They moved up to D5… and Not So Sticky stopped them.
They moved up to D4… and conquered that too.
Two stones collected. One glaringly empty spot in the middle.
Following their close win over PPG, Chris complained that no matter how many championships Balls Deep wins, the mantle above his fireplace will always feel incomplete. There’s a D6 trophy. There’s a D4 trophy. But sitting between them is the empty space where that elusive D5 Championship should be. Somewhere, Not So Sticky is probably smiling.
The Skipworth Twins were quick to remind Chris just how far Balls Deep has come. It took the team a few sessions to really figure out the game, but once they did, they went from newcomers learning the ropes to legitimate championship threats. Now they find themselves with another opportunity to add some hardware and continue climbing the TSL ladder.
Don’t expect to find Balls Deep celebrating at the Angry Buffalo unless they actually win another championship. Apparently regular-season victories aren’t enough to get these people to the bar. At the fields, though, they’re one of the friendlier groups you’ll run into.
And if you happen to wander past their bags, keep your eyes open. There’s usually grapes and cheese in there.
Balls Deep truly has something for everyone.
- The Mouse