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Category: The Rant
Created: Tuesday, 11 June 2019 12:46
Published: Tuesday, 11 June 2019 12:46
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 3324



Okay - let me get to some official football stuff first!

This week is Lenny Alba Appreciation Week! This is gonna be MAD fun. Ice cream truck (free for everyone!), music blaring, prize wheels spinning, Cookie & Elmo & in effect, hot dogs and hamburgers available for purchase...hell. a dunk tank might even make an appearance! This is NOT the week any of you should want to go home early. No, THIS is the week you should want to hang out all day into the night. Because not only are we celebrating the ONLY commish this league has ever had and will ever have, it's the exact type of thing he effin' LOVED. Saturday will be a Lenny day to the fullest - don't be lame and scoot out early. That bar should still be packed with folks by 6pm, EASY. 

(And just cuz we're gonna party and have a great time DOES NOT mean get sloppy drunk, folks - enjoy yourselves responsibly.)

Actually - in reference to that? Credit where credit is due. I've paid attention to you guys all season, and you've done a phenomenal job of looking out for your fellow man and woman. Uber and Lyft rides have been the norm for anyone getting tipsy, and there's a real group collective to look out for anyone who seems like that had too much. Bravo. I truly commend you guys on this, cuz in past years it wasn't as common amongst everyone. But you guys truly have each other's backs, and like seeing you guys act like the family we are. 

Back to LAA Day - I'd like anyone reading this in our league to stop by Vue Rooftop bar Friday night at 7:30pm to meet myself and Topper so we can toast Lenny. It's kind of an impromptu get-together; I figure it would be nice to see you guys in sophisticated casual (that's the dress code) looks so you can see how well you clean up. We'll get together, buy some drinks, have some laughs, and toast the night to our beloved commish  - again, 7:30pm Friday night at Vue Rooftop bar at the top of the Curtiss Hotel.Google it if you're unfamiliar; I hope to see a good number of you there to join us. 

Now - to the not fun part of my Rant. 

So...Saturday was better, but there was still shenanigans with a player and ref. Not going to call out anything specific, as it was and has been addressed and handled. But I'm going to say this - we're done FOR REAL FOR REAL now. This is the last week of the regular season, followed by 2 weeks of playoffs. PLEASE don't be the one who wants to press your luck being disrespectful to our refs. I don't care if you're one of my favorite people - you'll be home for the playoffs. I promise you. We estimate at least 500+ people in our league this session - no one is going to miss your a$$ except maybe your teammates, and you'll have YOURSELF to blame if you're sitting at home. 

I am SO sincere on this. SO. SIN.CERE. 

And one last thing - this is the last week of the regular Spring 2019 season. Sub requests are due by Thursday at 6pm. Those of you TOO LAZY to check with your team about who will or won't be there, or ask your fellow players if they can sub, etc. and want to call, text, email, telegram, etc. me and/or Topper late Friday night?

Let me save you wondering what we're going to say - NO. No, no, NO. It's not OUR JOB to help you cover for missing people you could've made arrangements for earlier in the week. Some of y'all have players even I knew wouldn't be there on certain weeks, and you STILL try the last second crap. Universal Sublist - USE IT. I don't give a crap if you want to use someone super good to replace your super good person - you ask us past 6pm Thursday, your answer is NO. Your option is the USL - DASSIT. 

Now - I've spent so much time discussing league stuff, I haven't addressed a bunch of league goings-ons. Lenny liked bullet points - so damn it, I'mma give bullet points this week!

- Don't think I forgot about Slytherin In That End Zone and Sticky Bandits going Snuggle Bear SOFTas f**k in whining to the refs because Tommy Hughes and Chris Cole were on the sidelines heckling. Really, y'all? Y'all are so Garnier Fructis that a little ribbing from onlookers makes you guys wanna cry in the car? That, by far, is the softest ish I've seen two teams do in a game. TOPPER himself gets heckled playing football weekly. He's never (to my knowledge) whined to the refs to make people stop. I get heckled. Heckling has been a part of every coed touch football league experience I've been a part of since LITERALLY the 90s. 

But somehow, in 2019, this is what passes for "too much" for some folks. 

There are a lot of shenanigans that irk me that I try to clean up. Heckling has honestly NEVER been a behind-the-scenes discussion that was had in the TSL. I like both teams and the players on them - but that sh** was Johnson & Johnson baby conditioner SOFT. That was Drake end-of-the-album ballad SOFT. That was "Care Bear Cousins...CARE A LOT!!!" SOFT. Authentic Egyptian linen with a high thread count SOFT. "It's not butter...it's PARKAY!" creamy spread SOFTBoyz II Men, matching sweater vests, Down On Bended Knee SOFT

Nick Lachey reality show with Jessica Simpson SOFTAmerican Gangster "Aye, aye, aye, aye! Don't rub on that. You blot that! Ya understand? That's Alpaca. That's $25000 Alpaca! You blot that sh**! You don't rub it!" SOFT

I'm almost tempted to write penalties into the rule book for that level of SOFTness. There are Smurfscommitting suicide as a result of your actions because it was too SOFT for even them to live with. Cotton balls all around the country have evolved and are growing spikes in an effort to differentiate that they're not that SOFT

Don't y'all EVER let me see y'all do some ish that SOFT again. EVER!!!

- Highlight of my season was seeing Lauren Kelly at the fields. Maybe because I never expected to - but man, was I happy to see her. She still looks great, too. 

Peachy Platoon is hurting my feelings every time they lose. I want them to win sooooo bad.

Public Enemy vs. A&A this week? I might have to get a pitcher of some DRANK and enjoy that one!!!

Jilly Batts was back on the field playing Saturday! Woo hoo!

- For a first timer with no experience? Mike "Rawdog" Rawdin is a solid ref...

 - Don't be lame - if we DO have a dunk tank, ladies better jump in it along with the guys. Let's not have the "10 to 1" debacle from a few seasons ago where I think the only female league members who jumped in were Taylor PaganoRachel Parker and Rachel's adorable daughter. C;mon, son. 

- I got to play a game with Hitman Hearn this past week. Just like old times - and the team we subbed for won! Thanks for asking us Over Compensators!

- So...is this a weekly thing now? People show up and just break themselves like brittle Legos? It's all that cot-damned weak-a$$ seltzer water you kids are drinking on, and that emo-a$$ Pop you guys call "music"! You muhfuggas better start drinking some MILK and strengthen your bones up! Good Lord!!!

- Dear white people - "I'm darker than you now!" is never true and never funny just cuz you went from Casper The Friendly Ghost white to french vanilla due to a little sun. Signed - every Black and brown person in the league.

Saturday should be a blast. Let's have fun - and please act like you have some damned sense in your games. We'd appreciate it. See y'all out there - I'll be in the cut! 


- Rameer AKA "The Build"



Category: The Rant
Created: Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:32
Published: Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:32
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 2997




I'm so cot-damned fed up. 

This league is supposed to be a fun league. Major emphasis on FUN. Now, I know a lot of you have had fun this session. Speaking overall? I have not. Sure - there are instances of fun. You'll see me laughing and joking, meeting folks, hugging beloved friends, etc. But if I'm honest? This hasn't been the FUN I expect. 

And it's because of some of you. 

See, I THOUGHT I'd be writing my article this week about the fact that in both of my doubleheader games last week, my team was down multiple scores and I took over at QB to prevent us from losing (we got a tie and a victory). I THOUGHT I'd be saying something about Cat/Kat Peters, and how I missed her twin but was happy to see her and the rest of the Qwinnsters and Peachy Platoon squad. I THOUGHT it would be a good time to point out how absolutely SOFT Sticky Bandits and Slytherin That End Zone are for crying that non-award winning Tommy Hughes and Chris Cole were heckling from the sidelines, and add in how weak, lame and thin-skinned you folks have become compared to the old days. 

I THOUGHT I'd be concentrating on things like that.

Instead, I'm using my article to address league tomfoolery. AGAIN. 

I'm not going to rehash or give play-by-play of the details of what happened Saturday. What I am going to say is that Topper and I are upset and deeply disappointed. There are a number of things we've always outlined that we didn't want in our league, and too many of them have popped up. Things like:

- stacking teams to beat up on lesser teams in lighter divisions
- chicanery involving teams and players trying to sneak in subs
- drunken rowdiness
- disrespect of teams and fellow players
- fighting

I'm exasperated. I'm over it. I really am. As much as some of you whine and cry like little b***hes, I'm going to call you a complete liar if you say we've been hardcore on anyone this session. We simply haven't. I've let crap slide, and I dare a bunch of you to say otherwise. Topper has done the same. Joe K hasn't remotely tried to nail any of you fools on anything. We've tried to be pretty easygoing. Even when I've said I've had it - I've still been flexible and accommodating. 

No more. 

Having to physically break up a fight this week between a player and a ref is the height of absurdity. Having to explain to someone's parent who was watching that this isn't how we run our league and I will make sure it doesn't happen again is beyond embarrassing. Having to write this article under these circumstances is the height of infuriating. 

Cooler heads have prevailed. Topper and I took two days and came up with a solution. We knew that people would not be happy no matter what we decided, so we're just rolling with the decision. If you come up to me Saturday telling me about what "should" have been done or not done, I'm going to tell you to go f**k yourself. Straight like that. 

Y'all have depleted the cache of understanding and accommodation. Every week I'm at football, I miss Lenny, and I'm constantly personally second-guessing myself as to if he would be happy with certain developments. And I keep telling myself "No - no he wouldn't."

I pray you're not the next person that decides to transgress in this league. I pray you or your team aren't the ones to press my button where I am mentally right now. I like most of you - but I'm not jumping on any more grenades for anyone. I'm not going soft on anything. My last ounce of patience was expended this past Saturday. 

I was really going to talk specifically about the incident in depth, but I thought - why? My desire is for it to die and for us to move on. Why would I throw any fuel on that fire to keep it going if that's my intent? I've talked to both parties, and both understand where Topper is coming from, and where I'm coming from. I've gotten input from so many of you it makes me head hurt. Ultimately, Topper made his final decision based on his gut feeling and input from you guys - and I back him.

But I'm tired y'all. I am. I don't even have the energy to write a truly scathing article - for what? Y'all are supposedly grown men and women. I'm done talking and reasoning. The only thing people understand is action. So going forward, there will be cold, unfeeling actions when y'all decide to act up. And I'm telling you now - even as you read this, there's going to be a lot of crying and whining when one of y'all force my hand. Because one of you WILL force my hand. It's sad to say, but I have no faith that anything that has happened will change the attitudes of some of you gym class all-stars who take this too seriously and don't remember to just enjoy the game. 

Thank you Jeremy Burr for buying me a cider and allowing me to meet your son and see your lovely wife Amie

Thank you Taylor Pagano for giving me the only Truly that I enjoy. 

Thank you to all the refs who put up with bullcrap not because of the money, but because you respect the league and me enough to help out constantly. I appreciate that you people care enough to go to bat for me and the league; I know many times you guys don't remotely want to help out. You do it cuz we're cool like that, and I'm never going to overlook that level of sacrifice, no matter how minor some consider it. 

I'm going to leave y'all with this. 

Lenny ALWAYS said to me "When this thing stops being fun, that's when I'm done. That's when we should pack it up and shut it down." There were a few seasons that wore on him, but overall he weighed that he had more fun than he didn't each season. 

This is week 7. I can tell you I haven't had MORE fun than not. I'm not speaking for Topper here, but I will say things have gotten under his skin at times too. 

Do you like this league? Do you enjoy the friendships, bonds, camaraderie, competition, and enjoyment that is had in it?

Then act like it. I don't sh** on things I like. I treat them well and cherish them. I don't act like a moron. I embrace and cherish them, and I don't take it for granted. 

This could all be gone tomorrow. Do you want to be the reason it stays and thrives, or the reason you drove us to say "f**k it"? Cuz this league has never been maintained due to profit or money. 

This wasn't so much a rant as it was me rambling. If you didn't receive your entertainment value from it this week, too damned bad. See you Saturday - I'll be in the cut.  


- Rameer AKA "The Build"



Category: The Rant
Created: Tuesday, 21 May 2019 13:59
Published: Tuesday, 21 May 2019 13:59
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 2874




You'll note that I changed the color of the title lettering this week. Hey, that Sentinel article looks kinda sharp how he (or she) ends it in purple. I want some color in my article too! Lolz...

So this week was the best week thus far in terms of the weather. I'd say it was perfect football weather - so much so, people were bringing their kids to the fields! Meg Scheeler had her little angel out, Chelsie Bird brought little Evander to watch his daddy go off (and he DID go off Saturday!), and Jilly Batts even brought Baby Batts to the fields! I think I herd a half dozen ovaries explode from all the baby cuteness. I like kids at the fields - let's hope the weather continues to cooperate. 

Speaking of which - put on sunscreen, folks. A few of y'all were walking around looking like soft-shelled lobsters - red and peeling. Not a good look - do better. 

Hey - guess what? The music this week was WAYYYYYY better. And I'm not even saying it was perfect - it was at least music that had a rhythm and pace that goes with people playing sports. No slow music, no Kidz Bop crap, no boy band garbage. Bravo - I'm proud of y'all. Keep it going. 

You know what else I'm proud of? People keeping their composure at the bar. No sloppy drunkiness, no craziness, no mayhem, no sloppy stupors. See how easy that was? And people still had fun without being carried to a cab or Uber. Let's make this a regular thing. and shout out to Jillian Dibble - you made me a promise, and you KEPT it. Credit where credit is due.

Gordon's Theory is now approaching double digits in attempts - and it has yet to fail...


So my man Jon Senn mentioned that he doesn't think his squad gets enough love on the website. Good thing I've got my own article, huh? SHOUT OUT TO UNCLE RICO'S. I watched them work over both teams they played this week, and they look strong. Good QB play, good receivers (Deke was out there looking like Marvin Harrison Saturday!) and a nice trio of ladies. Jackee is an underrated juggernaut in our league, and Chelsea plays her role well. But I really took note of their new woman Jess in her debut - she's tall, athletic and looks like she's likely to get better the more and more she plays. I got no problem giving it up when a team produces - and they really produced. 

I mentioned Glenn Bird a little earlier - I told him I was coming to check his squad out Saturday, and he BETTER perform. Well - I don't know if he took it as a personal challenge or what - but he was all over the field! Interceptions, TDs, extra points, juking, cutting...he reminded me that Evander's Daddy ain't nothin' to fool with. Overall, I was impressed by GLBS. Most def.

I was also impressed by Energy Buff. Their QB has a HOWITZER for an arm, holy crap! I don't know why they've struggled so far, but if the team I saw Saturday is there for the playoffs? They could definitely make some noise. 

Oh - speaking of playoffs. To clear up confusion, the C1 champ WILL NOT play the C2 champ. Maybe we'll revisit that as an idea in the offseason - but too many teams and players are too scared of Public Enemy to want to try to compete. Oh, was I not supposed to acknowledge that? Oops - I just did. Don't @ me. 


I'm just gonna put this out there. If both teams were up for it and were game...I'd 100% set up a challenge match between TITLE SHOT and PUBLIC ENEMY. I personally think that would be a great game of both teams had all their players. Hell, I'll go one further - I'd allow Title Shot to use Jon Mohr, Scott Airey, ROBBIE, Julie Pouthier and their roster as it's presently constituted against the PE squad. You read right. Some of you young bucks don't know those names or what they mean, but to give you an idea - it would be like The Golden State Warriors vs. the old school Chicago Bulls. Even as an older squad, I'd still like to see the entire Title Shot roster take on the PE roster. I've put it out there - if both teams have any interest, holla at me. I will MAKE it happen. 

I'm putting the rest of Morning Wood's season on Heather. Not Mo, not Dave...HEATHER. I want to see some fight and spirit from you - inspire these guys to victory!!! 

Speaking of spirit - I need my Breakfast Club captain Katie Keller to be a much more vocal leader. Come on, Katie - speak up, woman!!!

Sarah Hunt swears she has no rhythm. Val Testa swears she's a phenomenal dancer. I believe the opposite for both women. No proof - it's just what I believe. 

We're going to try to do a 6-team Friday night matchup very soon, provided we have enough of YOU guys interested. We'd need about 10 people per team (6-7 guys, 3-4 ladies per team - unless one team was all women). If you're interested in being a part of this, please let me and Topper know NOW. Like...as soon as possible. 

Random: I miss Top Line Solutions and Varsity Blues...

Cobblestone has my favorite jerseys in the league. If you haven't seen them, please go check them play this week. I can't get over how awesome they are. 

Dear Ultimate Warriors...I'm no expert, I'm just a viewer of games like everyone else. But no disrespect to your normal guy? Keep Sam at QB. Like...for real. It's a hell of a weapon. And it's 8 points per TD. HUGE advantage. 

Good people watch - Nick Sooch and Kristen Daniels were at football this week!! Awesome sauce. Now, I'm just waiting for the returns of Jenn Coleman, Hitman Hearn...and SHARI

You know who my favorite twins in the TSL are this session? The Wonder Twins for All We Do Is Qwinn, Thing 1 & Thing 2...The Peters Sisters. That's no knock on anyone else,,,I just think those women are STARS. The Wonder Twins are the real deal...oh, and for the record. They're NOT twins. I just call them that. =)

I'm declaring this week's games of the week as:

A&A vs. Bullet Club
Energy Buff vs. Title Shot
Jabronies vs. The Bambs

Also - it's a long weekend. Let's have fun, but drink and act RESPONSIBLY at the bar. In fact - let's party at the fields and keep it going into the night. We should make plans to party into the night - I'll leave it to the party monsters like Matty Ice to plan it out...

Have a good week, everyone! As always - holla at me, I'll be in the cut...



- Rameer AKA "The Build"


Category: The Rant
Created: Tuesday, 28 May 2019 12:27
Published: Tuesday, 28 May 2019 12:27
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 3171



What - y'all thought y'all wasn't gonna see ME? I'm the Osiris of this sh**!!!

(Forgive me - just had to say that. If you know the reference, good on you...)

Week 5 was kinda dope. A day that we were supposed to be wet and miserable due to all day rain turned out to be the best Saturday of the session thus far. It was absolutely beautiful out there after the torrential downpour we experienced that caused
Topper and I to call off Breakfast Club games (sorry, folks - when we see 3 lightning bolts in under 2 minutes, we're not fooling around). People were smiling, laughter was everywhere, and man did we have some fun during our games!

Now, let me get to this, cuz it needs to be got to. Look, if you come up to me and say "give us some press/pub" - and I then use my article for that very purpose...you damned well better not be the laughing stock of the league a week later. But here I am looking at
Uncle Rico's squirreling away a game with A MINUTE LEFT AND THE LEAD. Meaning they literally could've taken a knee 4 straight times and walked away with a victory. Instead, QB Tim Zielinski goes back to throw, panics, throws the ball to a rushing Kyle Conniff INSIDE THE 10 YARD LINE - and then No Punt Intended eats the clock and ultimately throws to Elena Schratz for the game winning TD (sidenote: Elena thinks I was mean to her in league email correspondence. Little does Elena know I absolutely adore her and secretly speak glowingly of her at every opportunity!). Guys...guys. You make me look foolish even mentioning your names previously. You're still a good team, I still like you guys - but that play was the dumbest play I've seen in a long time in this league. It was so dumb, you guys should probably be booed every time you take the field of play until you make up for it with a division title and at least 1 playoff win. Yes, it was Tim who made the error - but y'all win as a team, lose as a team. 

Talk about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I can't give up any props after seeing that debacle. 

I like
Garrett Beesing. I do. But he's on my bad side for beating my little homies Peachy Platoon on a last second tipped jump ball. Peachy and All We Do Is Qwinn? It's no secret those are my two favorite teams - those are my little homies. I don't like seeing them lose. Garrett wasn't exactly gracious in victory when I spoke to him, either. Still like you Garrett - but man, I'm hoping my Peachy Pals get revenge on you!

(I'm torn emotionally this week as both of them play each other...)

Jabronies still winning? Oh - just making sure. Cuz I think I'm the only person really noticing their dominance 'round these here parts...

New to the rule book next session - a $50 bar tab fine to 
Dave Wilbern any time he decides to cause wet spots all over our fields without there being a single rain cloud in the sky...

(Calm down, people - I'm not "hating". Dave is the homie.) 

Shout out to my main main
Mo from Morning Wood who wanted to tell me how much better his team was than the 2 teams he lost to even though...he lost. ROTFLMAO...

Umm - I'm just gonna say some of y'all better REALLY stop trying to skirt around the sub rules. Zero tolerance going forward. Not trying to be mean - but try me. We're at the midpoint, people - y'all know the rules. They haven't changed. Oh - and USE THE UNIVERSAL SUBLIST. That's what it's there for. 

Celebrity sightings this week included
Kristen Daniels, Erica from the old Dark Knights squad, award-winning Tommy Hughes, Hitman HEARN, Jilly Batts and Axel, Katie, Pippa and Baby Axel Neff

(By the way - if you need a male sub, PLEASE CONTACT HITMAN HEARN).

Not talking about any one person or team in particular, but some of you people - a small, but significant amount - have the most piss poor attitudes on the field. This was started as fun, remains about fun, and is intended to BE fun. Stop acting like jerkwads to your opponents, teammates and (especially) the refs. It boggles the mind that some of you are supposedly rational "adults" how we see you carry on at times. 

We're officially at the part of the session where you might as well not even bother asking us to reschedule games. no - play with who you brought to the dance. We gave everyone the schedule before the session began, and we also asked for schedule accommodations if needed. We don't have any more room. Play it out. 

Dubey ever coming back for Title Shot? Cuz umm...they need him. 

Games of the week for Week 6 include:

Bullet Club vs. Title Shot
All We DO Is Qwinn vs. Peachy Platoon
Public Enemy vs. Eyes Downtown
A&A vs. Energy Buff (doubleheader!)
Jabronies vs. Practice Squad (doubleheader!)
Frodo Swaggins vs. Slytherin That End Zone

People - stop asking me about the QB rankings. Stop suggesting things to me about it. I DON'T WRITE IT, NOR DO I HAVE ANY INPUT ON IT. I would think after weeks of saying crap to me and it never turning up in that article, some of you would get it - but some of y'all are some thick-skulled muhfuggas. I literally put my name on the article I write so you know exactly what I'm thinking, and you still cry like newborn hyenas to me about the other articles. I don't write them sh**s. I write The Rant. Believe me - writing that is MORE than enough. 

If you want to ref - please holla at me. Even this late in the season, I'll gladly add you to the list and schedule you if an opportunity presents itself. 

With the exception of the blueberry and mango flavored versions of these drinks - Trulys and White Claws suck. It is beyond my understanding why so many of y'all love those things so much, other than they're way lighter on the stomach than beer. 

Shout out to those of you who think I don't drink cuz I don't do shots or drink buckets every Saturday. That's really cute. Lolz...

Since I'e had this discussion multiple times over the past year, I'll officially put it in my article - no, ladies. I DO NOT know which guys in the league you "obviously" think are attractive until I hear you say it. I don't care what other guys you know do (there's a big cultural difference there, in case you didn't notice) - but
I wasn't raised to "grade" men. I don't look at them like you do. So no, I don't know (for example) which Tommy Hughes looks better to y'all. I also don't give a f**k to wonder. Accept this. You don't have to understand it. Not everything is meant for you to understand in life. Just know that when I tell you this, in conversation, I assure you that you are NOT important enough for me to have to lie to you about this. It is truthful, and it is factual to all who know me on a deeper level. Got it? Good. And since you understood, would you...

Stop schemin', and looking hard? I got a great big bodyguard...

I keep trying to find a way to incorporate
F, Marry, Kill into my article - but because you all KNOW it's me writing this, there's no way I could do it without feelings being hurt or egos being bruised. no matter how much fun I would have with it. 

But I WILL always answer the question if presented in-person (opposite gender only - I don't play "what ifs" with same sex, NAH).

Random shout out to
HomeTech. Cuz I feel like it. 

Shout out to
Ugandan Warriors for choosing me to sub in their later game. 

Sincere and heartfelt thank you to
Chris Cole who jumped in at the last second to cover when one of the refs was unable to man their field. I owe you, my man. 

Shout out to all the refs who are the heartbeat of this league but never get shown the proper appreciation by the majority of you. I value them immensely. some of you take it for granted, but if those folks aren't willing to put up with your crap - we don't have reffed and managed games. And regardless of what some of you town criers say - they do a very good job for the most part. 

Hoping this week continues the trend of "awesome" we've been building on. See you all Saturday, god willing. Holla at me - I'll be in the cut. 


- Rameer AKA "The Build"


Category: The Rant
Created: Tuesday, 14 May 2019 12:25
Published: Tuesday, 14 May 2019 12:25
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 2886

I'd like to start off by thanking all of you who have come up to me and offered positive words to me for writing The Rant each week. I appreciate the support and positive vibes; I was actually never going to write an article again for the website, as Lenny had that all handled with the various people he got to do articles. Lenny handled "the media" of the TSL, and I was fine with that. His passing thrust me into doing a few more things than I normally do (okay, a good deal more than a few) - but I've honestly been okay with writing this. And it seems a lot of you have enjoyed it too. 

But some heads might not enjoy THIS week's Rant. Uh-uh. 

I need to get to a number of serious issues. Some of you may be upset. Some of you may get butthurt. I'm positive a few of y'all gon' cry in the car. And it may lead to crying, whining, bitching and moaning. And to that small percentage of you who live for that - I'd advise you to check your almanac and see when the next full moon is. So you can howl to the moon like the mangy dogs you are - it should be well chronicled I have no tolerance for adult men and women crying like some people do...

(Ahem) - on to my points...


Okay. Let me make this really clear here. We have literally had the same rule for years now about our sublist - all requests must be in by Thursday at 6pm. If not, you will not be granted your request. You may then choose from the Universal Sublist (USL). None of this is new. So why are Topper and I getting texts, emails, telegrams, carrier pigeons, St. Bernards and all types of last second requests from you guys??

We've BOTH been lenient with the requests these first few weeks. That stops now. Hope it's out of your system, cuz we're done. Put in a request 1 minute past 6pm EST, and it's getting denied. 99% of you know full well that your players will not be there on Saturday, and you just refuse to make arrangements in due time. Welp - not our job to help you win. It's YOUR JOB to help you win. I'm not saying this to be a jerk - rules are in place for a reason. I know I personally am not trying to scramble through a ton of last second requests on a Friday night - heaven forbid I don't want to be attached to my phone or laptop at the start of the weekend. So no - don't ask for special permission. You are unlikely to get it. No matter if I have no idea who you are or if you're one of my favorite people. Get that request in by the deadline of Thursday at 6pm. 

Oh - and this "we're just gonna have this guy we know sub" stuff y'all are progressively starting to try? Yeah - enough of you have read NO from us to hopefully get that isn't about to be a "thing". Need a male player? We put more than enough guys on the USL for you to call up. You're not getting that really good kid in R3 that you know about and no one else does yet. Make your roster big enough or use the players you have. Bullet Club didn't make any excuses this session when they were short, and they WON. Be like Bullet Club. 

(Dear Crytown Crew - Topper and I have said "yes" more than "no" up to this point. Trust me - we don't want to hear we're being too hardline on this. This is the first time we're drawing a line in sand.)


Ooo, PLEASE don't try to pull a fast one on rosters. PLEASE don't. This week was the deadline to finalize your roster, so unless there's a really good reason - your roster is your roster. Let me or Topper catch you or you get snitched on - I'll do The Neutron Dance as I mark your game as a forfeit for using someone not on your roster. Try me. 


I know some of you would like the rules to go how you think they should. I know some of you think because you watch 30+ hours of NFL and college football you know how things go. But this is a coed touch football league, with rules constructed for exactly that. Furthermore, the rules were worked on by Lenny meticulously, and I uphold and honor those rules pretty seriously. Long story short - I know our rules pretty damned well. Our refs know our rules pretty damned well. You know who doesn't know our rules pretty damned well? The guys crying about a call they want to go their way making the most noise and holding up the game. 

We are not changing the rules in the middle of the session. Slick wording of how you think the play should go will not alter the outcomes. Bad mouthing the refs is not going to make the rules change. Moaning after you've had rules explained to you isn't be effective AT ALL. 

It is extremely rare that you catch the regular refs or myself not knowing something. Don't play yourselves. Play your games, don't try to play us - you'll lose. Badly. 

The Bar

RESPECT THE COT-DAMNED BAR. Look - I hear you guys on criticisms. And Topper and I attempt to address them, whether you realize it or not. But look - you guys are adults. I'd like to nip this in the bud NOW. 

I give you guys all the credit in the world for being responsible and getting rides home from friends, Uber, and Lyft. That's the way to do it, so kudos on you guys for consistently doing it. But sloppy drunk is not the way to go. Yelling or screaming like we're at a college bar is not the way to go. Breaking ANYTHING is inexcusable. Making a spectacle of yourselves late into the night inside of the bar - not tolerated. 

I had a long talk with our hosts this week. I gave them my concerns, they gave me theirs. Plainly put - don't make them give me your names. If they give me your name as a person they've red flagged, they're going to ban you from coming in the bar and they won't serve you. That's not my decision or Topper's. That's what they told me they'll do. They don't want to do that, and they don't PLAN to do that. But there are two instances that they could've done it already this session. That's 2 too many. 

Y'know - they have other sports there now, and other teams. We're consistently the rowdiest. That's not to say we're rowdy all the time, or even most of the time. It's to say they don't have a history of "incidents" with their other sports patrons. I want us to have fun, and want us to all enjoy Saturday. We can do it without acting like amateur teens. and it's not most of you - it's honestly 5% per session. But that 5% can get the rest of us looking bad, and I don't want that. At all.

AND PLEASE DON'T BE STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING YOUR OWN LIQUOR AND GET HAMMERED. Some of you are the most non-slick-trying-to-be-slick mofos I've ever encountered in my lifetime. THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THEY SEE YOU. Every session, they name which people have done it, and if you know me - you KNOW it's not me snitching. I don't even confirm it -  I just know when they've nailed you guys, and they nail you guys often. I hear your complaints on prices, specials, etc. - let us work on that. But you're at a bar. You don't HAVE to get sloppy drunk. If Deanna and Nikki haven't been serving you and you've been nowhere near the bar - do you really think they can't figure out that you being more hammered than anyone even though you've been nowhere in eyesight might come from you drinking your own stuff on the low? Come on, people. Help us out here. 

Use common sense, and act right. So many of you do this. If you see any of the 5% acting up or going down the wrong path, check them. Please. Because if the bar starts dropping the hammer, it doesn't matter how many side complaints you bring up - it won't change the fact that they're going to change their behavior with us. I don't want that. At all. I ENJOY you guys having fun. 

And clean up your trash. Really. Thank you to Coach Jay, Travis, Joe K, Mark Buscaglia, a ton of the ladies, and too many of you to name who have stuck around to clean up other people's trash. We've done this league for a decade. Never has it been as messy as it is this session. If you bring water, tape, drinks, food, etc. to the field - just clean up your own mess. There are garbage cans placed around the fields. Use them. This past Saturday, when I looked out at the fields at the end of the day, it looked crazy how much trash was left there. It didn't used to be that way. Stop being NASTY. Clean up after yourselves. Yes, the bar will clean up some of our stuff if need be. But you guys are supposed to be adults - let's not make it like we're just trashing the place. Those are OUR fields, after all. 

That's it for points of contention. Let's clean this up. Let's do things the right way. We've done it before, so it's not like I'm asking to reassemble the Infinity Stones. Being the best league doesn't just mean having the best talent - it also means having the best people overall who do the right things. 

Now - if people get in their feelings after reading this, go listen to some mellow Drake songs or watch Sex In The City while eating a tub of Edy's choco-fudge. I. Don't. Care. In fact - please believe I went softball on this. Not this time, but next time - I'mma name names. Don't make me do it to you, please. Because I'll OVER-do it. 

Let me end this a tinge more positively:

- I'm glad Zach Newberry is okay. Be careful driving out there, people - it's crazy season. Thank goodness he wasn't seriously hurt by the woman who ran the light and slammed into him. 

- I miss Lauren Kelly, Kristin Daniels and Shari. And Dorene!!!

- I somehow missed Seth Molinsari being here this past Saturday. Kicking myself - that dude is awesome. Would've loved to hug him - he's an overall GREAT guy. 

- Meg Scheeler's son is sooooooo beautiful. No - honestly. Cute baby, for real for real. 

- A few people have asked me to rank the refs weekly. I'm not going to do that for what I think are obvious reasons, but you know what I MIGHT do? A top ten favorites list and a top ten sh** list every week. See who moves up and down both of 'em and why. 

- I think it's really awesome all the teams who are honoring and remembering Lenny in their own different ways. Whether it be on their jerseys, happy references, etc. - you guys make me proud. And I love seeing anyone wearing the Lenny hat at the fields. 

- Please join Telegram. Like...yesterday. https://telegram.me/toppersports

- Just throwing it out there - I'm free to sub for any teams that need a guy this week. Yes, I'm on the USL (duh). 

- I'm almost to the point of paying Cory Turner to play some music. Y'all music is trash. Straight basura


- Matty Ice wanted me to note his prolific scoring this week - but then I noticed Matty isn't even on this week's schedule. How you gon' ask me to big you up, but then the people can't come watch to see what the fuss is about? Man - I'll big you up when you're on the schedule, Matty! but for the record - Matty IS that dude. 


- Val Bernal gets the "Style Icon" award for her ensemble this past week. The lady can dress - and accessorize! 

- The "Who Dat Is??" awards go to Dashauna (spelling?) of CobblestoneShelly of A&A, Heather of Morning Wood and Karla of GBLS. Although apparently I'm just blind, as I was informed Heather has been around forever and I've literally never seen her.

- Ricky's back! And he's got back-to-back games this week as QB for Tight Ends In Motion! Let's see what he has in the tank. 

- Gordon's Theory has YET to fail. Don't ask ME what it is - I don't snitch.

- I heard there were a few instances of chippiness last week. Guess who's a 5 ft. 8, caramel Panamanian who will be on the look out for that crap this week? This guy

- If you correctly name the first person or team who will get all the way in their feelings and whine about this article to Topper/people/me Saturday - I will buy you a drink of your choice. You must offer your prediction to me via the Telegram app to qualify, and your prediction must come before midnight Friday night/Saturday morning. 

See y'all Saturday. Holla at me - I'll be in the cut. 



- Rameer AKA "The Build"

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