Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe: We’re back. After a LONG six months and one week, the greatest social co-ed football league in existence, the TSL, has returned to the Lenny Alba fields at the Rose Garden! No offense of course to the indoor TSL league, but there’s just something about being outside in the elements, at the Rose Garden, and having football during the day that just makes things special.
You know what else is special? Topper. That’s right kids, Patrick McGovern has been rebuilt, and he is making his long awaited return to the fields this season in D3. While lots of women may disagree, Topper just makes everything better.
And on April 27th, in the Year of Our Lord 2024, we will have 52 teams across 7 divisions come to the starting line as the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality will begin! And what do we have in store this time around? Well, Breakfast Club is back at its more comfortable 6 teams, and it’s CHOCK FULL of newer TSLers who are looking to make a name for themselves in the league. D1 only has 4 teams, which is a little meh, but you know the football is going to be great. D2 is at 6 highly competitive teams where just about anyone can win besides the Freeballers (and yes I know they have Sean on the team now). D3 is looking to be where it’s at, as 9 teams will battle things out. D3 was highly competitive last season, and while adding Topper to the mix doesn’t necessarily help that, adding recent D3 champs Practice Squad back to the mix certainly does. D4 looks mostly competitive, as there are 9 teams (including some new ones!) looking to take the crown. D5 has 8 familiar faces looking to do battle (that includes you, Stir The Sauce, who looks a lot like the Woodpeckers on paper). And then there’s D6, with 10 teams complete with returning teams from last season, returning teams from long ago, and new teams too!
The point is that this Spring, anything can (and probably will) happen. It’s going to be an absolute blast seeing it all play out, but if you’re here for Championship spoilers, you should keep reading.
D1:
Odds To Win The Championship:
Eyes Downtown (3-1)
Eyes Uptown (3-1)
Sticky Bandits (5-1)
Frodo Swaggins (15-1)
Preseason Hype: Four teams is hard to get too hyped about but at least they’re four good ones. Eyes Downtown returns their championship squad, and they’re the co-favorites to do it again. The other Co-favorite are the Legends, who decided to name the team Eyes Uptown for very obvious trolling reasons. Apparently there’s a “who will Chris Nelson play for?” decision still looming that could turn the tide one way or the other! Sticky Bandits return with the usual suspects here to play, and as always, they can upset either of the “favorites” in this division. They added Maggie LaMantia to their squad of girls, and it’s hard not to consider that an upgrade. Frodo Swaggins returns as well, and while they are a ‘step down’ from the other teams in the division, you can’t sleep on them either. They lost some players to other teams, BUT Garrett added Malikye from Losing Streak (RIP) and Sal from Wanderers, so they got some really nice replacements. They’re getting better every time they take the field and they could very well surprise some people this season.
Preseason Prediction: Eyes Downtown repeats as champs, winning another absolute battle against Eyes Uptown.
This Week’s Games:
Sticky Bandits vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) - An early season matchup to kick things off for both teams who will be looking to start the season out “right’ with a win. I think it’ll be close, but Sticky has had a lot more familiarity and I believe they played in the indoor session and Frodo didn’t, which gives them an advantage. STICKY BANDITS BY 10
Eyes Downtown vs Eyes Uptown (EVEN) - There isn’t much to say here, other than the two best teams in the league are going to kick off the season right where they left off in the fall - battling each other in what should be a fantastic game. As if this blood feud of sorts didn’t need to get any more personal, Legends had to make a troll team name that you KNOW just has Bobby fuming. Every time these two play is must watch football, assuming both rosters show up. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 1
D2:
Odds To Win The Championship:
Mavericks (5-1)
Freeballers (6-1)
The Untouchaballs (10-1)
Scared Hitless (10-1)
Can’t Touch This (12-1)
Puckett All-Stars (15-1)
Preseason Hype: D2 is quite the new look division, and even though the names are mostly the same, the teams have all added some firepower in different ways. The Mavericks jump out to the top of the odds because while Jordan isn’t going to be focused on Losing Streak as much, he was smart enough to bring Stoner Dave and Misty with him to the team. The Mavericks were always so close to putting it all together, and I think these additions will do exactly that. The Freeballers aren’t really the Freeballers anymore. I mean, a lot of the same faces are there, but after losing Brit Clarke and Talia to cute little ones they show up with not only a handful of new ladies, but Dave Eickhoff of Grey Hair Don’t Care fame is now lining up at QB for them. And of course, Sean Weisensal returns to D2 where he’s been essentially a cheat code for whoever has him. As much fun as joking about the Freeballers has been for me over the years, I think they’re for real this time around. The Untouchaballs didn’t have to move up to D1 because not only would they lose Mel to Legends, she’s not even on the squad at all this year, opting to play for a ladies team. While they did a decent job of replacing her with Nina, the Untouchaballs are going to look slightly different this year regardless. But they have Jeremy Burr, so they’ll never ever be out of a game. Scared Hitless brings back largely the same team, but they’ve added Travis to the team. Travis is a good player of course, but with another future TSLer on the way I’ve been told he’s giving up captaining teams and just wants to play. Good for him. Can’t Touch This is also mostly the same team, but there’s not much more they really need other than a little consistency. They’re a dark horse here for sure. And lastly, Puckett All-Stars, yes THOSE Puckett All-Stars make the jump up to D2 from D4 as they added THREE very good players from Frodo, and in doing so they’re looking to do some damage in D2. They’ll be a very interesting story for the D2 season for sure.
Preseason Prediction: Sean carries the Freeballers to a D2 title over the Untouchaballs in a game that goes down to the wire.
This Week’s Games:
Can’t Touch This vs Scared Hitless (EVEN) - This should be a heck of a contest between two evenly matched teams. Both teams have played together for a long time, so it should be pretty interesting to see who shakes off the rust first. CTT always seems to start seasons off really well though. CAN’T TOUCH THIS BY 6
Mavericks vs Freeballers (+3) - I don’t know if this is a rivalry game, but it feels like it could be one. Of course, when the magnificent Mike Burke is involved, it feels impossible to use the word rival. Anyway, with Jordan’s team having more familiarity with each other, I think we can look towards them taking advantage of that. MAVERICKS BY 8
Mavericks vs Puckett All-Stars (+7) - I’m not saying that Puckett isn’t going to be good in D2, but this has all the makings of a “team adjusting to a higher division while also getting used to new players being involved” type of loss where everyone overreacts and they’ll be +20 underdogs next week. MAVERICKS BY 12
D3:
Odds To Win The Championship:
The Malones (3-1)
Wanderers (4-1)
Bullet Club (4-1)
Keller Whales (4-1)
Let’s Get Reccked (5-1)
Jabronies (5-1)
Buffalo Vice (7-1)
Practice Squad (10-1)
Topper All-Stars & Todd (15-1)
Preseason Hype: D3 continues to boast about being the division where the most teams have the chance to win it all, and as a result, continues to be the most exciting division in Social Co-Ed Football. The Malones make a “worst to first” jump in our rankings as they went from unknown to ‘quite known’ in the Fall season, putting points up on every team they faced off against, and having Rhace Colon tell the world just how good they are. While the rest of the team may prefer having someone else be the face of the franchise, that’s not how things work here, and Rhace and Co. have the slight inside track to take the title. The Wanderers went a little off the beaten path and added an outsider to their ranks, getting Stoner Dave to join up with the rest of the crew. Frank was heard saying “We had to get a real WR 1 to truly compete, and we know Sal isn’t that guy.” More on this story as it develops. Bullet Club stays largely the same, with one notable addition. Joe K has decided to double down on the “when you’ve got two QBs, you really have none” mantra, adding a third (a 4th if you count Tommy Hughes) QB to the mix with Dylan Jaloza battling for reps alongside John Langley and Jeff Easton. The Keller Whales seem mostly unchanged this season, including their team name which historically changes every spring. Scott Jr proceeds to get less creative as he gets older. Look for Damien Keller to take another step in his development at QB, because if he doesn’t, he’s grounded. Let’s Get Reccked returns, but they’re stronger than ever as they add Garrett Beesing along with Corey Santo and Molly Morgan-Santo. LGR is going to be quite a tough out. The Jabronies return for their usual spring fling in the TSL, and they’re exactly what you think they’d be. Joe Miano throwing, robbing us of Bro’s magical arm gracing the fields again (can’t SOMEONE put Tight Ends back together again? D1 is ripe for the picking, and you have ALL of the pieces for TEIM scattered about the TSL already.), Eric Klecker side-eying potted plants, and some sneaky good females that don’t get enough publicity ready to roll. Buffalo Vice is making the jump up from D4 after spending the last 47 seasons chasing a title there. It’ll be interesting to see if the “Andy throws it really f’ing far and a Gonzalez (or Frank Pizza!) catches it or Andy reluctantly throws it less than 40 yards in the air to Caitlyn Mason and she jukes out the opposing team into submission” offense works in D3. Practice Squad comes back to D3 after a less than stellar foray into D2, but at least they gave it the ol’ college try. Usually, when a team remains largely the same and goes back to a division they’ve already won, they tend to be favorites to win it again. The problem is that PS won D3, but if memory serves me correctly they were the 8th seed and (I believe) 0-8 going into the playoffs that season before getting red hot and winning it all. They didn’t do enough in D2 to really make me think they’ll come back and dominate D3, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens here. And lastly, we have Team Topper. Sorry, but placing a brand new old person team into a competitive division with their hopes resting on the surgically repaired shoulder of an over the hill waiter/quarterback doesn’t seem like the recipe for victory. Topper, you start at the bottom and you get to prove me wrong my old friend. The entire league is going to pay close attention to you doing so.
Preseason Prediction: The Topper All-Stars & Todd run roughshod through the Wanderers as the man who started the greatest football league in the universe symbolically dismantles the gold standard for his rivals, as things always have been and always shall be.
This Week’s Games:
Wanderers vs Buffalo Vice (+10) - A very nice “Welcome to D3” test for Buffalo Vice as they get the always talented, always fun to play Wanderers to kick off the season. Vice may be able to score quickly, as they do, but anyone who’s watched the Wanderers know that they involve everyone, use all 6 downs, and slow the game way, way down. They’re very hard to stop, and if Vice makes any mistakes, they’re going to be in trouble. WANDERERS BY 4 AS THEY SCORE WITH NEARLY NO TIME LEFT TO WIN
Topper All-Stars & Todd vs Practice Squad (+3) - The amount of rust that is going to be shaken off here collectively might set a World Record. This is the perfect opponent for Topper’s return (get used to Topper references here, it’s a big deal) to see if he’s “up to snuff”. Once we see him overthrow a wide open Aaron for the first time, then we’ll truly know he’s back. TEAM TOPPER BY 3
Keller Whales vs Buffalo Vice (+8) - Vice starts off the year with a double header, and in D3 that’s never a good thing, as both games will be tough. The Whales will be in this game the entire time, and as long as they’re firing on all cylinders to start, they’ll be in control for this one. I like to think they’ll start slow though, and with Vice being warm from the first game, they’ll take the mild upset. BUFFALO VICE BY 3
Wanderers vs Let’s Get Reccked (EVEN) - LGR gets a Wanderers team coming off of a game against Vice earlier on, but I think that actually helps the Wanderers more here. LGR is quite talented, of that I’m sure, but with some new pieces and not enough alcohol in their system with an earlier game, one has to wonder if they’ll be up for the task at hand? WANDERERS BY 3
Keller Whales vs Practice Squad (+8) - Double header city for the D3 teams this week it seems! The Whales take on Practice Squad in both teams’ second game. I need to see it from the Squad before I can start picking them this year. KELLER WHALES BY 7
Bullet Club vs Let’s Get Reccked (EVEN) - Bullet Club gets LGR in their first game of the season, and these two teams historically play each other pretty closely. While it’ll be interesting to see who the BC QB will be, I think LGR having just played a game together will give them the advantage as well. LET’S GET RECCKED BY 7
D4:
Odds To Win The Championship:
Cunning Stunts (2-1)
Passing While Intoxicated (6-1)
Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (6-1)
Cobblestone (8-1)
Creekers (10-1)
Vaspian (12-1)
Tater Tots (15-1)
The Roaring 20’s (20-1)
Reset Warriors (22-1)
Preseason Hype: The Cunning Stunts remain the class of D4, as they’re always difficult to take down, and they remain the favorites. Even when you think they took a step back (in this case, losing Katie Salisbury who’s busy playing tackle football yet again), they simply adjust on the fly and perhaps get even better (No Katie? Okay, Mel Linsmair takes her place.). PWI returns the same lovable bunch of gamers out there (with maybe one or two new to the cause) and you know they’ll be in every game. ILF has changed their jersey color but not their awful name, as Team Kicak is bringing back the usual suspects for their bid to win the D4 title. Cobblestone lost the D5 title game last year and Darryl Carr QB Superstar just said “screw it, we’ll go up anyway”, bringing along most of the same guys but I believe he’s got a handful of new ladies this season. The Creekers made the jump up to D4 after winning D5, and they’re largely the same squad despite the loss of Missy Keem who brought them into the league, but now it seems can no longer play which is always a bummer to hear. Vaspian drops down from D3, and for good reason. They lost Drew and Brian to various reasons (see: Topper and Marriage) but they were proactive and made some signings along the way, including some of Spinelli’s Plumbing who aren’t with us this season. The Tater Tots made a jump up into D4, as their never ending search for a QB ended with B joining the squad. Despite being told they can stay in D5 if they wish, Drunk Meg’s Husband decided he’d like the challenge of D4. Shout out to him for not running from competition. Speaking of not running from competition, The Roaring 20’s are a team of brand new people who signed up and went straight to D1, wanting to play with the best the TSL has to offer. While badass, Jeff Krol (presumably wanting to avoid a “The Replacements” situation from a few years ago where a new team joins a division they weren’t ready for, gets demolished every single week, and hasn’t been seen again since) talked them down into starting in D4 and seeing how things go. They feel themselves though, and that’s never a bad thing here in the TSL. Lastly, we have the Reset Warriors, a new team led by Shirtless Chris, his sister Shirted Cara, and his brother “Possibly Shirtless?” Mike put together a new squad to see how they’ll fare. While there’s rumors they’re going to go “skins” every game, it’s going to be interesting to see how they perform on the field as well. Good luck to them.
Preseason Prediction: ILF will take the D4 title because Becca will more than likely miss Championship Week for some terrible reason over the Cunning Stunts in the finals.
This Week’s Games:
Creekers vs Tater Tots (+7) - While this is both teams’ first game in D4, it won’t be too great of a barometer for how either will fare in the division. It feels like the perfect set up for a Tater Tots “we did some good things, we just need some time to get on the same page” early season loss for a team with a new QB. CREEKERS BY 10
Interdimensional Lightning Falcons vs The Roaring 20’s (+10) - It’s a simple case of brand new team vs long term team that hasn’t changed much in their existence. ILF admittedly keeps looking like they’re building something special, and this feels like an even bigger breakout season than they’ve had before. I’m sure I just doomed them to lose by 20, but since I have no idea who TR20 is, I’ll go with the “known”. ILF BY 13
Cunning Stunts vs Reset Warriors (+16) - Shirts or not, The Reset Warriors drawing the Stunts in their first game is just cruel. The scheduling gods did them no favors to start. CUNNING STUNTS BY 20
Cobblestone vs The Roaring 20s (+6) - TR20 gets a world class, first ballot, sure fire TSL Hall of Famer in Darryl Carr QB Superstar on their first day? How lucky are they? They’ll get to learn from one of the best to ever do it, which can only make them stronger for the rest of the season. COBBLESTONE BY 10
D5:
Odds To Win The Championship:
Travis Henry’s Kids (3-1)
GUCCI (4-1)
Come From Behind (5-1)
Power Puff Girls (8-1)
TMA (12-1)
Not So Sticky (15-1)
Stir The Sauce (18-1)
Two Tuddies (20-1)
Preseason Hype: Yes, you’re reading this correctly. THK, or more aptly John Langley, couldn’t get it done in D4, so he’s begged the ‘powers that be’ to put him in D5 where he belongs. THK remains largely the same otherwise, as Langley will have Pete and Aaron to throw to, which almost feels unfair in D5. But I guess Stella needs to get his groove back somehow. GUCCI returns mostly intact, only losing Chris Wolcott who chose to stay with the Tuddies. While playoff success has eluded GUCCI, Kelly Kane and company will once again be in the mix to win the whole thing come June. Come From Behind is back yet again, and they’ll be scoring touchdowns and slamming drinks at the bar. They’re another perennial contender, and I can’t imagine them not having a say in the title race. The Power Puff Girls are a Father Baker remix, ditching Dave Baker (who never showed up for them anyway, jerk) for Kyle Conniff, and dropping a division as well as the ladies work out the kinks that made life tough for them last season. TMA joins the PPG and THK in dropping down a division, as last season’s “Boccio experiment” went not so great. With Boccio back in D1, and Diana off to grow Boccio 2.0, TMA continues to look a little different every season as it has for the last few seasons now. One of the best teams to play against, you know you’ll see them at the bar and having fun all over the place. Hopefully this works out a bit better for them. Not So Sticky is on the revenge tour after Carly Reeb was a big jerk and ditched them for the Jabronies. You know what you’re getting with NSS: Huggie Bombs, Trick Plays, and a lot of fun. Stir The Sauce is a Woodpeckers Remix team from a few seasons ago, with a lot of old faces making their return to the league. And finally we have the Tud Buds, as the Two Tuddies moved up to D5 after taking the D6 title last season. They have pretty much the same team as the championship squad from last year, not sure how they’re going to do against the tougher competition.
Preseason Prediction: I think we’ll see THK show why they should’ve stayed in D4, winning the title over Come From Behind.
This Week’s Games:
Stir The Sauce vs TMA (EVEN) - When we last saw the Woodpeckers, they were doing quite well in the league, and STS looks to continue that tradition. They get their first shot playing against TMA, the wily and plucky veterans. At the end of the day, with TMA losing all of their tall guys, I don’t think there’s anyone that can cover Dan Farinacci, and that’s all she wrote. STIR THE SAUCE BY 12
Not So Sticky vs Two Tuddies (EVEN) - If I recall, these two had a close game that ended in wrestling finishing moves being done on each other not too long ago. Either way, the Tuddies have grown leaps and bounds since then, and Not So Sticky is still, well, the same. This is going to be a fun, light hearted affair which is the perfect way to start the season. TWO TUDDIES BY 1
GUCCI vs Stir The Sauce (+10) - STS gets a much harder draw in Game 2, taking on a GUCCI squad that’s been one of the division’s best for the last few seasons. This game will tell if STS is going to be one of the division’s elite or not. Keep stirring. GUCCI BY 14
Travis Henry’s Kids vs Power Puff Girls (+13) - The biggest part of Father Baker’s issues last season was defense. It’s hard for any gender team to immediately figure out what they’re doing on that side of the ball when most females are used to rushing or playing the wing. It takes reps to get to “Cunning Stunts” levels of play on defense. Meanwhile, the ladies have to figure out how to stop Pistol Pete and Aaron from high pointing the ball again, and again, and again. Not an ideal first week matchup for the PPGs. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 17
D6:
Odds To Win The Championship:
Blitzkrieg (3-1)
Pit Harade (4-1)
Sausage McMuffins (6-1)
Mighty Drunks (6-1)
Balls Deep (6-1)
Sticky Laces (10-1)
Back That Pass Up (12-1)
Dogg Pound (12-1)
Dark Knights (12-1)
Just Joshing (12-1)
Sticky Laces (12-1)
Preseason Hype: When a division has 4 brand new teams, it’s hard to accurately give them proper odds. As a result, all 4 of the new teams get tied for the longest odds with Back That Pass Up, who were not very great last season, but either way they represent “the bar” for these new teams, with the exception being Sticky Laces who have slightly better odds. The midseason odds will be a lot better, I’m sure. While there won’t be much for me to say about the Dogg Pound, Dark Knights (who are a returning franchise with Andy Goldyn, but the rest are completely new?) and Just Joshing, hopefully they’ll take a second to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and say hello so I can learn who they are and what they’re about. The Sticky Laces have Sticky DNA from the Sticky Family Tree, so at the VERY least you know they can play football. There are some recognizable names from Social Co-Ed Football, so I’m thinking they’ll have a leg up on the rest of the competition. Back That Pass Up, who I mentioned earlier, is running it back again with Alex Lee at QB and James T. Hearn there to catch everything thrown his way. Hopefully the rest of them got a little better or it could be another long season for them. Starting back at the top, Blitzkrieg is here, and it's Spring, so that should mean that Alex is back at QB. Light Red Hoodie Guy (and Light Red Hoodie Imposter Guy) seem to be back as well as the other characters. And looking at the roster, I see Allie Metzger there?!? Allie was a superstar a few seasons ago before her knee had other ideas. If she’s back back, Blitzkrieg just gained a valuable weapon. But more than likely I’ll get an email from BK letting me know it's a “just in case she can play a game or two” scenario. Either way, BK stays the team to beat. Pit Harade returns after a successful season last year that saw Rayanna Andersen walk away as Female of the Year and Sam Pezzino get nominated for Male of the year in D6. Tall Bearded Guy is always a force to be reckoned with. The questions remain at QB: is Dave Walter throwing, is Gordon? Is it Ray? Either way, they look to be more dangerous than last season. The McMuffins are back, and so are the best jerseys in the league. SMM had a bit of an up and down season last year, kind of tailing off near the end of it. I believe Alex has his team a bit more focused and they’re a “dark horse” team to watch this season, if you can call them that. The Mighty Drunks are all over the place historically. Some weeks, they seem like they should be in D4, others, they seem like they should be in Mile. When they’re on though, look out. Lastly, Balls Deep returns the same squad from last season it seems, and once again they feel like an afterthought. Last season they took D6 a little bit by storm, pulling “upsets” on teams thought to be better than they were. There isn’t a team on here that Balls Deep can’t beat, and with some more consistency overall, a championship isn’t that unrealistic.
Preseason Prediction: Blitzkrieg finally does this thing (I HAVE to be right some time, don’t I?) and beats Pit Harade in the championship.
This Week’s Games:
Balls Deep vs Back That Pass Up (+10) - Balls Deep gets a chance right out of the gate to show everyone why they belong with the contenders. BTPU gets a chance right out of the gate to show that they’re improved from last season. It’s an intriguing Week 1 matchup for sure. I just don’t see how BTPU improved that much right now. BALLS DEEP BY 12
Blitzkrieg vs Sticky Laces (+8) - BK begins its 14th annual “this is the year I swear” campaign taking on a new team to the TSL in Sticky Laces. As always, I’m leery of any “Sticky” team, which constantly proves that at the very least, again, they know the game. I can’t imagine BK gets upset right away though. BLITZKRIEG BY 10
Pit Harade vs Dogg Pound (+10) - I have no idea what to expect from the Dogg Pound, but Pit Harade was one of the better D6 teams last season, and with everyone back for them I’d wager it’ll be hard for a brand new team to get the hang of things right away. PIT HARADE BY 17
Mighty Drunks vs Just Joshing (+10) - I have no idea what to expect from Just Joshing, but the Mighty Drunks were one of the better D6 teams last season, and with everyone back for them I’d wager it’ll be hard for a brand new team to get the hang of things right away. MIGHTY DRUNKS BY 17
Sausage McMuffins vs Dark Knights (+10) - I have no idea what to expect from the Dark Knights, but the McMuffins were one of the better D6 teams last season, and with everyone back for them I’d wager it’ll be hard for a brand new team to get the hang of things right away. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 17
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:
And with that, the TSL Spring 2024 season is underway! Good luck to everyone this weekend at the fields and buy Topper a drink or three!
-GF OUT