Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe: We’re Off! The Race for Social Co-Ed Immortality began last week, and while you can’t really get a full feel for how the season is going to go in one week, the Week 1 vibes were immaculate. We had 22 games, and 9 of them were one score games. We only had 4 blowouts. In other words, we had some very competitive competitions to start the Spring 2025 season.
But once again, we can’t read too much into these results. Week 1 is notorious for giving us false narratives. All too often a team that looks like they’re destined to be champs after Week 1 end up 3-5 and lose as a 7 seed in the playoffs. On the flip side, a team that looks like it’s going to be a long, long year for them can put it together and go on a championship run. So, have no fear Show Me Them TDs, you may have lost by 64 in Week 1, but in a few weeks time people could very much be talking about how you’re 5-1 and the hottest thing since Bs Brother’s Christmas Album.
Week 1 brought us our usual ‘trial version’ of the TSL. Multiple reports suggested that the weather was a little rainy and then a little windy. Not all of the teams were there, as is tradition, because Week 1 tends to have a few more bye requests overall than the other weeks that aren’t holidays. And of course, the teams that did play more than likely had a player or two (or three) that couldn’t make it because they forgot April 26th was the start of the season, despite it being clearly marked in your team’s group text a month in advance. As a result of all of this, Week 2 usually begins to give us a better picture of how things are going to go ‘for real’ during the season. Week 2 gives us a full slate of games, starting with 3 Breakfast Club games at 9:00 and having 5 games from 10am-2am. Unfortunately, it’s looking like you’ll be seeing some more rain at the fields, so be prepared for that.
Not every battle in the Race for Social Co-Ed Immortality will have pristine conditions, so its weeks like this one that tend to really show you what you’re made of. Who’s going to come out on top this week? Let me tell you.
D1
Last Week’s Games:
Sticky Bandits 39, Freeballers 32
Frodo Swaggins 40, What A Dump 30
Eyes Downtown 30, Freeballers 17
The Sticky Bandits kick off the year with a nice win over the Freeballers. Speaking of the Freeballers, they’re 0-2, but they were in both games and word around the text messages I got last weekend from my various informants were that they were even missing some key players, so that’s something to keep an eye out for. Eyes Downtown (Girthy EyeQuakes?) grabbed the other win from the Freeballers in their first game after Bobby had to replace all of the losers on the roster this offseason. Speaking of those losers, they lost to Frodo Swaggins to start off the “What A Dump” era. But, it wasn’t their fault. Garrett and company (especially Katie Swanson, who I got the most texts/emails/telegraphs/smoke signals about this week) were on fire.
This Week’s Games:
Sticky Bandits vs What A Dump (+6) - Sticky gets to take on the WAD to kick off Week 2 in what should be an entertaining game. To be clear, the WAD roster is loaded with top TSL talent who have won a lot of championships over the years and they should be fine as the season progresses. But Sticky has continuity like no other TSL Franchise, and that experience should give them the edge as WAS finds its way. STICKY BANDITS BY 8
Frodo Swaggins vs Freeballers (+7) - There’s a chance that the super secret yet super obvious underlying storyline is that Frodo is ready to take the next step towards playing for a D1 championship this year. Garrett has had an offseason dedicated to clearing out unneeded distractions so he could focus on what matters: taking Frodo to yet another level, and it showed in Week 1. The Freeballers will be game to get that first win, and I wonder if Frodo will get caught looking ahead to the next game? FREEBALLERS BY 4
Legends vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) - They’re back. The D1 champs are done with the silly team names and they’re all business. Probably. The Legends are the favorites until someone shows us why they shouldn’t be. If Frodo truly is ready to ascend a level in D1, here’s the chance to prove it. LEGENDS BY 14
D2
Last Week’s Games:
Can’t Touch This 64, Show Me Your TDs 0*
The Malones 38, Scared Hitless 17
Not a very eventful start to the D2 season, which is Jeremy Burr’s fault for finally being ‘touchable’ after all this time. CTT dominated the brand new squad in SMYTDs, and the asterisk is because it’s rumored that CTT put up over 70 points but the refs didn’t keep writing the scores due to running out of room on the scorecard. The Malones quest to win D2 got off to a good start with a very good win over Scared Hitless, who is always better in Week 9 and 10 than Weeks 1-8.
This Week’s Games:
The Malones vs Jabronies (+10) - The Jabronies pop into D2 after a mildly shocking D3 title win last season, and they get to play the team that won D3 just before they did in their first game. That’s a nice transition for them, but The Malones already have a win under their belt and “The Rhace That Runs The Place” is apparently the full time QB now instead of the random, trick play QB that gave The Malones a bit of an edge. I wonder how long that lasts if they lose a couple of games, because it’s not like Andy Strug is some slouch. THE MALONES BY 17
Can’t Touch This vs Scared Hitless (+10) - I want to believe that CTT is already in midseason form and that’s why points came so easily for them last week, but it’s going to be truly hard to determine that based off potentially beating a D5/D6 team who’s masquerading (someone tell Tino what this means please) as a D2 team. This will give them a bit more of a litmus test for where they’re at this year. Scared Hitless lost Travis, but they picked up George, who then promptly got hurt playing in a lower division game. It always seems like we talk about who Scared Hitless doesn’t have than who they do have. But, until who they DO have steps up and wins a big game, there’s not a reason to. CAN’T TOUCH THIS BY 18
Mavericks vs Jabronies (+10) - Champ vs Champ battle! The reigning and defending D2 champions get to take on the D3 champs who moved up, and they get them on the back end of a double header? Even if the “good vibes” Mavericks have some rust on them, I imagine they’ll shake it off in this one. MAVERICKS BY 13
Mavericks vs Show Me Your TDs (+30) - The fun part about the beginning of the season is that you’ll get some wild spreads like this one. SMYTDs lost by a lot last week and now they get the defending champs? It doesn’t seem fair. I did hear that this squad has athletes (as most teams do) on the male side, but there’s apparently a lot of potential in the ladies on this team as well. It’s only Week 2, but the vultures are circling to get these ladies on their rosters if that’s true. Expect some scouts to be standing near this game to watch a bit. MAVERICKS BY 24
D3
Last Week’s Games:
Wanderers 45, Buffalo Vice 22
Bullet Club 34, Practice Squad 29
D-Generation X, Y, and Z 24, GirthQuakes 23
Wanderers 31, Becca Gets Reccked 27
Becca Gets Reccked 38, 716 33
Stop me if you’ve heard this before. The Wanderers win both Week 1 games in a double header to go to 2-0 after getting by Buffalo Vice and BGR. BGR would end up 1-1 with a win over a returning 716. The Kellers shook off a slow start to beat the GQs, and Bullet Club got past Practice Squad in a close game. D3 continues to be loaded with good games, as all but one was a one score game here.
This Week’s Games:
Bullet Club vs Passing While Intoxicated (+7) - PWI didn’t have a Week 1 game, so this is their opening game of the season. If PWI wants to consider themselves in the upper echelon of D3, this is a game they need to win. They have the QB for it, and they have female talent as well, but one has to wonder about the males on that team. Do they have a game breaker? Bullet Club played a very good game last week against Practice Squad, but losing one of their top players in George is going to hurt a bit. If anyone has the roster to replace him though, it's BC. BULLET CLUB BY 6
Wanderers vs GirthQuakes (+8) - The GQs were impressive in their D3 debut, taking an early lead against DXYZ before losing by a single point. That’s a good start for the newer-ish team. Things get a little harder this week as they take on the Wanderers, who already seem to be rolling. There’s not much to say about the Wanderers that hasn’t been said a million times before, so I’ll just say ONE thing I’ve said before here. WANDERERS BY 6
Practice Squad vs Buffalo Vice (+3) - A really good match up between two evenly matched teams. Both have talent on both sides of the ball, but Practice Squad has a slight edge at QB. And since PS lost last week, B is going to play with a bit more of an edge. This should be a close one, but if both teams play to their potential, you’re going to see this come down to the last drive. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 2
Cunning Stunts vs GirthQuakes (+16) - All hail the Queens. The Cunning Stunts are in D3 after winning D4 (finally!) last season, and they’re here to inject themselves immediately into the D3 title picture. The Stunts have some of the best female talent the TSL has to offer, and they have first ballot Hall of Famer Joey Batts slinging the ball for them as well. They’ll be a force right out of the game, and the GirthQuakes will really have their work cut out for them. CUNNING STUNTS BY 18
D-Generation X, Y, and Z vs 716 (+5) - DXYZ got off to a slow start in slightly colder weather last week (blame the Xs and Ys more so than the Zs for that) but now that they’re awake, they figure to be one of the better teams in D3, as usual. 716 lost to BGR last week, but they have a talented roster, it’s just a matter of putting it together on the field (which has usually been the case for this franchise). I’m not saying they won’t be able to, but until I see it, it’s hard to pick them right now. D-GENERATION X, Y, AND Z BY 10
D4
Last Week’s Games:
Come From Behind 36, Vaspian 16
Puckett 32, Cobblestone 18
ILF 45, Tater Tots 9
Come From Behind shows up in D4, plays a game without league icon Paul LoVullo (who historically “big times” his own team by skipping Week 1 to stay in Florida a little longer), and they walk to an easy win over Vaspian. They’ll be just fine in this division. Puckett put up 32 points over a shorthanded Cobblestone team, who still managed 18 anyway. Imagine if we allowed Darryl to have a full team? He’d win D1 every season. This is to make it fair for everyone else. The Tots got burnt a bit in their return to the TSL, as ILF just poured it on in this one to get to 1-0.
This Week’s Games:
Tater Tots vs Vaspian (EVEN) - The two orange teams face off this week with both squads really needing a win after rough Week 1s. While you rarely see “must win” games in Week 2, a poor showing by either team to drop them to 0-2 could potentially derail the season. I think we’ll see a sense of urgency from both sides in this one, and it should be a very good game. TATER TOTS BY 2
Mike’s Detailing vs Puckett (+3) - Puckett got their bye week win over the half rostered Cobblestone last week, so we’re not entirely sure what we’re getting from this iteration of them just yet. But, the fact that they didn’t win by more wasn’t promising. Mike’s Detailing (RIP The Herd) made strides last season and you have to imagine they’ll continue that trend. MIKE’S DETAILING BY 2
Bird Watching In Birkenstocks vs Cobblestone (NO LINE) - Even Vegas can’t make a line for a game that might be played 6 on 4, but we’ll have to see where we end up. I’m not sure what we’ll see from BWIB, but they have a proven winner at QB, which is a big part of the battle in D4. BIRD WATCHING IN BIRKENSTOCKS BY 9
Interdimensional Lightning Falcons vs Come From Behind (EVEN) - Dare I say it, a D4 title game preview? CFB was very impressive in their D4 debut, and now they get to play the best team (on paper) in D4. ILF showed no mercy (Cobra Kai style) as they smashed the Tots last week, and they almost look like they’re on a mission to finally take this D4 title. They’re smart enough to not underestimate CFB in what could be a Game of the Day candidate. INTERDIMENSIONAL LIGHTNING FALCONS BY 7
D5
Last Week’s Games:
Sausage McMuffins 23, Jake From State Farm 22
Stir The Sauce 15, Blitzkrieg 12
Powerpuff Girls 51, Mo’ Chicken 8
Not So Sticky 21, Pit Harade 17
Two Tuddies 31, Stir The Sauce 20
D5 got off to a rousing start that saw most games end up as back and forth contests. The McMuffins came up to D5 and snuck out a victory over JFSF, while their D6 counterparts fell just short against STS. STS would fall to 1-1 on the day after getting beaten by the Tud Buds who looked pretty sharp out there to start the year. Mo’ Chicken had the unenviable task of getting the PPGs for their first game ever, and it wasn’t pretty as they got beat up a bit. Not So Sticky pulled out a win over Pit Harade in a close one.
This Week’s Games:
Stir The Sauce vs Mo’ Chicken (+10) - Hopefully the Chickens just got caught by a stud opponent in Week 1, and they’ll rebound accordingly this week. Stir The Sauce (led by super star and top league nice guy Wrestler Dan) snuck out a win over BK last week, and they’ll be looking to go to 2-0 as the new roster gets a bit settled. STIR THE SAUCE BY 12
Not So Sticky vs Sausage McMuffins (EVEN) - Both of these teams are similar with talent, so I think we’ll see a good one here. NSS always plays a good game, so it’ll be on the McMuffins to keep up. Somehow I think the first team to 24 points will win this one. NOT SO STICKY BY 1
Powerpuff Girls vs Pit Harade (+10) - The PPG train keeps on rolling as the ladies get to take on Pit Harade this week. PH seems to no longer have its female QB that would help them get the gender scores needed to keep pace with this freight train that’s coming through. The Girls looked dialed in already last week, look for that to continue. POWERPUFF GIRLS BY 14
Two Tuddies vs Jake From State Farm (+7) - The Tuddies looked to be in midseason form last week, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of D5. JFSF lost by a single point last week, so it’ll be interesting to see if they can improve on the good that they did last week. This isn’t the best matchup for them though. TWO TUDDIES BY 17
D6
Last Week’s Games:
Dogg Pound 20, Raw Milkers 7
Balls Deep 36, Sticky Laces 22
Intentional Clowning 19, Irish Giants 6
Blue Ballers 40, Select 6
The Dogg Pound started off 1-0 with a nice opening day win over the Milkers. Hopefully that’s a sign of more good things to come for them. Balls Deep stakes their claim to the D6 throne after wiping the floor with the Sticky Laces a bit to go to 1-0. Intentional Clowning (as I’ve since been told is Day By Day, who used to be Just Joshing) had no real trouble with the Irish Giants to win in Week 1. And lastly, Select had a rough go of things in D6, getting beat up on a bit by the Blue Ballers, who walked away with a 40-6 win.
This Week’s Games:
Balls Deep vs Select (+12) - If last week was any indication of what’s to come, Balls Deep looked VERY good and Select…did not. All that this really means overall is that I’m going to pick Balls Deep to win this game easily, and then Select will end up winning by 10. BALLS DEEP BY 18
Sticky Laces vs TMA (+6) - The return of TMA! TMA takes the field for the Spring season for the first time this year looking to get back to the old days of winning seasons. I’m sure there’s a few roster tweaks they’ve made to get there, but they’re getting a pretty good Sticky Laces team to start, and the Laces could use a win after last week’s loss to BD. STICKY LACES BY 8
Blue Ballers vs Raw Milkers (+10) - The Raw Milkers struggled big time on offense, even though they only allowed 20 points last week. The Blue Ballers had no trouble scoring points and only allowed 6 points last week. Not exactly the matchup that favors the Milkers. BLUE BALLERS BY 20
Intentional Clowning vs Dogg Pound (+10) - The IC franchise historically wins games, but they don’t score A TON of points often. Their defense is usually pretty good too, assuming this roster is the same as other years. The Dogg Pound consistently improves and they look to keep that up but they need a little bit more of a punch on offense still. INTENTIONAL CLOWNING BY 9
Irish Giants vs Dogg Pound (EVEN) - The Giants weren’t all that impressive in Week 1, while Dogg Pound was, and if they both play the game they played last week, the Giants are going to get DP’d pretty badly. But, Week 1 usually means nothing and I expect the Giants to rebound from that loss for this week. Catching the Dogg Pound on the back end of double header helps too. IRISH GIANTS BY 8
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY
Week 2 is here. Good luck everyone. Except Blase.
-GF OUT