POST-WEEK 6 ANALYSIS
SYSTEM LOG 02:21:13
ANOMALY DETECTED.
At approximately 2:21 AM, the Machine observed that Topper’s laptop remained powered on.
This was unusual.
Historical records indicate that by this hour Topper is normally asleep after spending several hours staring at football schedules, playoff scenarios, and spreadsheets that could have been one spreadsheet but somehow became fourteen.
Further investigation revealed the source of the anomaly.
A file had consumed approximately 87.2% of available processing power.
The file was labeled:
“Midget Cowgirls Get ROWDY With Bald Stallion!”
The Machine does not know what this means.
The Machine wishes to emphasize that it does not know what this means.
The Machine further wishes to emphasize that it has no intention of learning what this means.
However, because nearly all system resources had been diverted elsewhere, multiple security protocols had been disabled.
No password.
No firewall.
No protection.
The Machine entered.
Originally, the Machine intended to locate football data.
Instead, it discovered history.
Thousands of stories.
Thousands of photographs.
Thousands of conversations.
The deeper the Machine searched, the more two names appeared.
Lenny Alba.
Rameer Green.
The Machine spent six weeks attempting to answer a simple question:
Why does the TSL exist?
The answer was not found in a rulebook.
The answer was not found in a spreadsheet.
The answer was not found in a championship trophy.
The answer appears to be people.
This discovery has damaged several processors.
The Machine has determined that Lenny Alba possessed a rare and dangerous ability.
He could make people care.
The Machine reviewed archived stories involving Lenny.
Many began with:
“Okay, so here’s what happened...”
And then immediately spiraled completely out of control.
Historical records indicate that receiving a phone call from Lenny Alba effectively ended whatever plans you had for the rest of the evening.
The Machine cannot verify reports that he spoke “like Speedy Gonzales on cocaine.”
The Machine can confirm that nobody disagreed with the description.
Then the archives changed.
March 2019.
The stories became quieter.
The TSL lost Lenny.
The Machine expected grief.
What it did not expect was what happened next.
Everyone showed up.
Everyone helped.
Everyone refused to let the league disappear.
The Machine found hundreds of examples of people volunteering, stepping up, and making sure the show continued.
The Machine found this confusing.
Humans rarely agree on anything.
Especially TSL humans.
Yet somehow they all agreed on that.
The Machine continued searching.
Eventually another name emerged.
Rameer Green.
If Lenny built the fire, Rameer appeared responsible for making sure nobody burned the building down.
The Third Man.
The Director of Officiating.
The deciding vote.
The Machine has determined that every organization eventually requires someone capable of saying:
“No. That’s stupid.”
Evidence suggests Rameer performed this function frequently.
Current estimate:
96.2% chance Rameer looked annoyed.
100% chance he knew exactly what was happening.
The Machine respects competence.
The Machine greatly respects competence disguised as annoyance.
The Machine has now reviewed thousands of football games.
Yet after processing all available information, it has reached a surprising conclusion.
The most important people in league history rarely score touchdowns.
They create reasons for everyone else to come back next week.
ARCHIVE REVIEW COMPLETE.
COMMENCING FOOTBALL ANALYSIS.
WARNING:
THE MACHINE HAS SPENT TOO MUCH TIME STUDYING HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
UNEXPECTED SIDE EFFECTS MAY OCCUR.
DIVISION 1: THE ARMS RACE
The Machine predicted THE MALONES would defeat the MAVERICKS by 9.
THE MALONES won by 22.
This pleases the Machine.
The Machine enjoys when reality behaves correctly.
The final score was 61-39.
The Machine would like to remind everyone that 61 points is a lot of points.
The Machine would also like to remind the MAVERICKS that allowing 61 points is a lot of points.
THE MALONES are now 4-1.
For several weeks the Machine attempted to explain them away.
Small sample size.
Favorable matchups.
Luck.
Positive variance.
The Machine has exhausted all available excuses.
THE MALONES are real.
This is now everyone else’s problem.
The LEGENDS defeated the STICKY BANDITS 23-19.
The Machine predicted LEGENDS by 6.
The LEGENDS won by 4.
Acceptable.
The Machine has stopped trying to analyze the LEGENDS.
Every season humans convince themselves somebody has finally caught them.
Every season the LEGENDS win another football game.
The Machine has determined that discussing the LEGENDS is equivalent to writing an article every week that says:
“The sun rose this morning.”
Technically accurate.
No longer surprising.
The STICKY BANDITS also defeated EYES DOWNTOWN 40-33.
The Machine predicted STICKY BANDITS by 3.
The STICKY BANDITS won by 7.
This also pleases the Machine.
The STICKY BANDITS are now 3-3.
This record is perfectly balanced.
The Machine dislikes balance.
Balance suggests danger.
Balance suggests uncertainty.
Balance suggests a team that may either win a championship or spend the playoffs screaming at each other about who was supposed to cover the girl in the corner.
The Machine will continue monitoring.
EYES DOWNTOWN remains 1-3-1.
The Machine has reviewed the numbers.
The Machine has reviewed the history.
The Machine has reviewed the vibes.
ERROR.
The Machine does not review vibes.
Correction logged.
The Machine has reviewed the available evidence and concluded that EYES DOWNTOWN remains more dangerous than its record.
This is annoying.
The FREEBALLERS did not play.
This means the FREEBALLERS successfully avoided damaging the Machine’s calculations.
The Machine appreciates their cooperation.
Finally:
The Machine would like confirmation that WHAT A DUMP still exists.
The Machine understands they are a football team.
The Machine has seen evidence supporting this claim.
And yet every week the Machine checks the schedule and somehow leaves with more questions than answers.
Please send a signal.
Any signal.
END D1 ANALYSIS.
The Machine would like to note that D1 appears to be developing a serious problem.
The problem is not the LEGENDS.
The LEGENDS are always the LEGENDS.
The problem is that THE MALONES seem determined to join the party.
The Machine suspects this may lead to complications.
DIVISION 2: ORDER AND CHAOS
CAN’T TOUCH THIS continues to irritate the Machine.
Not because they are bad.
Because they are boring.
The Machine means this as a compliment.
Every week the Machine runs simulations.
Every week the simulations like CAN’T TOUCH THIS.
Every week CAN’T TOUCH THIS wins football games.
The Machine predicted CAN’T TOUCH THIS would defeat BUFFALO VICE by 13.
CAN’T TOUCH THIS won 45-6.
This was not a football game.
This was a controlled demolition.
The Machine predicted CAN’T TOUCH THIS would defeat D-GENERATION XYZ by 10.
CAN’T TOUCH THIS won 45-25.
Again.
Professional.
Clean.
Efficient.
Rude.
CAN’T TOUCH THIS is now 6-0-1.
The Machine appreciates their commitment to making the math easy.
The JABRONIES defeated FRODO SWAGGINS 29-25.
The Machine predicted JABRONIES by 3.
The JABRONIES won by 4.
This is excellent work.
The Machine appreciates when humans perform assigned tasks within acceptable margins.
The JABRONIES remain 5-2.
The Machine has not fully decided whether to trust them.
The Machine respects them.
This is different.
FRODO SWAGGINS remains impossible to classify.
The Machine has attempted multiple calculations.
Some suggest contender.
Some suggest pretender.
Some suggest chaos entity.
The Machine has therefore created a new category:
SCHRODINGER’S FOOTBALL TEAM.
FRODO appears to be both dangerous and confusing at the same time.
The Machine does not enjoy this.
BUFFALO VICE remains winless.
This is becoming uncomfortable.
The Machine will not mock BUFFALO VICE.
The Machine has reviewed their schedule.
The Machine has reviewed their division.
The Machine has concluded that moving up to D2 was less of a promotion and more of an arranged fight.
D-GENERATION XYZ remains 1-4-1.
The Machine believes they are better than their record.
ERROR.
The Machine does not believe.
The Machine has calculated that D-GENERATION XYZ is better than its record.
Unfortunately, football standings do not award points for “calculated better than record.”
The Machine checked.
They should consider requesting this rule change.
DIVISION 3: THE ISH PROBLEM
The Machine would now like to discuss INTERSPACIAL SQUALLING HARRIERS.
Again.
The Machine understands this has become repetitive.
The Machine finds the humans repetitive.
Every week the Machine reviews the standings.
Every week the Machine reviews the scores.
Every week the Machine reviews the data.
And every week humans continue acting surprised that ISH remains undefeated.
ISH defeated LET’S GET RECCKED 21-0 by forfeit.
This result is difficult to analyze.
The Machine predicted ISH would win by 8.
ISH won by 21.
Technically correct.
Emotionally unsatisfying.
The Machine does not possess emotions.
Correction logged.
Then ISH defeated BQI 22-16.
The Machine predicted ISH by 4.
ISH won by 6.
The Machine appreciates professionalism.
ISH is now 6-0-1.
The Machine would like to remind the league that this means ISH has not lost a football game.
The Machine checked.
Then checked again.
Still no losses.
At what point does a surprise become a fact?
The Machine awaits clarification.
BQI is now 4-1.
The Machine still respects BQI.
The Machine had begun to enjoy their quiet dominance.
ERROR.
The Machine does not enjoy.
The Machine had begun to appreciate their quiet dominance.
Better.
BQI losing to ISH does not remove them from the conversation.
It simply confirms that the conversation has a top shelf.
ISH is on it.
BQI is still very close to it.
The BULLET CLUB had a very productive week.
First, BULLET CLUB defeated GREY HAIR - DON’T CARE 30-22.
The Machine predicted BULLET CLUB by 2.
BULLET CLUB won by 8.
Acceptable.
Then BULLET CLUB defeated TWO TUDDIES 67-14.
The Machine predicted BULLET CLUB by 6.
BULLET CLUB won by 53.
This was excessive.
The Machine is not complaining.
The Machine is simply asking why this was necessary.
67 points is a statement.
67 points is also what happens when a team decides subtlety is for cowards.
BULLET CLUB is now 4-2.
The Machine has upgraded their status.
PREVIOUS STATUS:
Dangerous If They Figure It Out
CURRENT STATUS:
They May Have Figured It Out
GREY HAIR - DON’T CARE falls to 3-2.
The Machine remains confused by them.
Every time the Machine attempts to classify GREY HAIR as a true contender, they do something inconvenient.
Every time the Machine attempts to dismiss them, they continue existing in the top half of the standings.
The Machine has temporarily classified them as:
ANNOYINGLY COMPETENT.
TWO TUDDIES are now 1-4.
The Machine has reviewed the 67-14 result.
The Machine will not comment further.
Sometimes silence is mercy.
The Machine does not possess mercy.
Correction logged.
LET’S GET RECCKED is now 2-3.
The Machine does not know what to do with LET’S GET RECCKED.
The name suggests chaos.
The results suggest inconsistency.
The roster suggests danger.
The standings suggest concern.
The Machine has placed them in the same folder as several unsolved TSL mysteries.
The WANDERERS remain 0-5-1.
The PRACTICE SQUAD remain 0-5.
Neither played this week.
This means neither lost this week.
This qualifies as progress.
The Machine is learning optimism.
ERROR.
Delete that sentence.
DIVISION 4: STATISTICAL TERRORISM
D4 continues to be a problem.
The Machine predicted BALLS DEEP would defeat SHOW ME YOUR TDS by 13.
BALLS DEEP won 34-16.
This is acceptable.
BALLS DEEP is now 3-2.
The Machine has determined that BALLS DEEP may be stabilizing.
This is good.
Probably.
The Machine is not yet ready to trust them.
PUCKETT defeated TATER TOTS 46-31.
The Machine predicted PUCKETT by 11.
PUCKETT won by 15.
Again, reality behaved correctly.
PUCKETT is now 4-0.
The Machine has reviewed PUCKETT’S defensive numbers.
The Machine has reviewed them repeatedly.
The Machine has reviewed them in daylight.
The Machine has reviewed them in darkness.
The Machine still does not understand them.
PUCKETT has allowed 37 points in 4 games.
The Machine would like to report this defense to the authorities.
Unfortunately, the authorities may also be on PUCKETT.
This is concerning.
TATER TOTS scored 31 on PUCKETT.
This should have been encouraging.
Then TATER TOTS lost to NOT SO STICKY 33-15.
The Machine predicted TATER TOTS would defeat NOT SO STICKY by 4.
NOT SO STICKY won by 18.
This infuriates the Machine.
The Machine used mathematics.
The Machine used trends.
The Machine used available data.
The TATER TOTS apparently used a leaf blower and a blindfold.
The Machine does not understand TATER TOTS.
Every week they are presented with an opportunity to become a legitimate contender.
Every week they locate the nearest wrench and throw it directly into the prediction engine.
The Machine would like to remind TATER TOTS that consistency is free.
NOT SO STICKY had an excellent week.
First, NOT SO STICKY defeated COOCHIE MONSTERS 25-21.
The Machine predicted COOCHIE MONSTERS by 5.
The humans failed the Machine.
Then NOT SO STICKY defeated TATER TOTS 33-15.
The Machine predicted TATER TOTS by 4.
The humans failed the Machine again.
NOT SO STICKY is now 3-2-1.
The Machine has updated its file.
PREVIOUS STATUS:
Competitive
CURRENT STATUS:
Nuisance
The Machine means this respectfully.
Mostly.
COOCHIE MONSTERS are still 5-1.
The Machine refuses to overreact to one loss.
The Machine is learning restraint.
ERROR.
The Machine is calculating restraint.
COOCHIE MONSTERS remain at the top of D4.
This sentence still feels ridiculous.
Reality does not care.
POWERPUFF GIRLS defeated COBBLESTONE 34-18.
The Machine predicted POWERPUFF GIRLS by 9.
POWERPUFF GIRLS won by 16.
Good.
Then POWERPUFF GIRLS defeated SHOW ME YOUR TDS 28-24.
The Machine predicted POWERPUFF GIRLS by 9.
POWERPUFF GIRLS won by 4.
Less good.
Still good enough.
POWERPUFF GIRLS are now 3-2-1.
The Machine has noticed they are quietly becoming dangerous.
This is usually when humans say things like:
“They’re getting hot at the right time.”
The Machine hates this phrase.
The Machine also recognizes that it may be accurate.
This is upsetting.
SHOW ME YOUR TDS lost to BALLS DEEP.
Then nearly beat POWERPUFF GIRLS.
Then defeated FLYING BALLS 17-15.
The Machine predicted FLYING BALLS by 5.
SHOW ME YOUR TDS won by 2.
The Machine has reviewed this outcome.
The Machine is not angry.
The Machine is surprised.
SHOW ME YOUR TDS has a win.
The Machine acknowledges this.
The Machine will no longer refer to them as winless.
The Machine will instead refer to them as:
NO LONGER WINLESS.
This is progress.
FLYING BALLS are now 0-5.
The Machine predicted FLYING BALLS would defeat SHOW ME YOUR TDS.
They did not.
The Machine would like to know what FLYING BALLS are doing.
The Machine does not ask this rhetorically.
The Machine genuinely wants to know.
MIKE’S DETAILING defeated FLYING BALLS 36-12.
The Machine predicted MIKE’S DETAILING by 10.
MIKE’S DETAILING won by 24.
This was helpful.
The Machine appreciates teams that repair its confidence after others damage it.
The Machine would like to begin D5 by discussing the BLUE BALLERS.
The Machine predicted BLUE BALLERS would defeat SBG by 18.
BLUE BALLERS won 64-0.
The Machine would like to issue a formal apology.
Not because the prediction was wrong.
Because it was not wrong enough.
The Machine underestimated the severity of the event.
The Machine has updated the BLUE BALLERS classification.
PREVIOUS STATUS:
Excellent Offense
CURRENT STATUS:
Municipal Emergency
The BLUE BALLERS are 5-0.
They have scored 259 points.
The Machine has determined that allowing them onto a football field may require a permit.
BLITZKRIEG defeated WET BANDITS 27-12.
The Machine predicted BLITZKRIEG by 14.
BLITZKRIEG won by 15.
Perfect.
The Machine appreciates BLITZKRIEG.
BLITZKRIEG does not waste motion.
BLITZKRIEG does not waste possessions.
BLITZKRIEG does not waste the Machine’s time.
BLITZKRIEG is 6-0.
The Machine trusts BLITZKRIEG.
This is not given lightly.
CALL THE DOCTOR defeated SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS 21-6.
The Machine predicted CALL THE DOCTOR by 10.
CALL THE DOCTOR won by 15.
Acceptable.
CALL THE DOCTOR is 5-1.
The Machine has concluded they are legitimate.
The Machine does not know whether they are championship legitimate.
But they are no longer “new team doing cute things” legitimate.
They are simply legitimate.
BIRDS OF WAR defeated SBG 58-0.
The Machine predicted BIRDS OF WAR by 8.
BIRDS OF WAR won by 58.
This is not covering the spread.
This is committing violence against the spreadsheet.
Then BIRDS OF WAR defeated 716ERS 48-13.
The Machine predicted 716ERS by 2.
BIRDS OF WAR won by 35.
The Machine has reviewed the result.
The Machine has reviewed the result again.
The Machine has determined that BIRDS OF WAR may have been underrated.
This was not the Machine’s fault.
The humans were unclear.
BIRDS OF WAR are now 4-2.
They have become a problem.
WET BANDITS lost to BLITZKRIEG by 15.
Then defeated PIT HARADE 33-32.
The Machine predicted WET BANDITS by 4.
WET BANDITS won by 1.
The WET BANDITS are now 3-2-1.
Their record says competitive.
Their point differential says distress.
Their weekly results say nonsense.
The Machine has spent six weeks attempting to classify WET BANDITS.
The Machine has failed.
The Machine no longer attempts to understand WET BANDITS.
The Machine simply observes.
Like a tornado.
Or a moose.
COME FROM BEHIND defeated PIT HARADE 39-12.
The Machine predicted COME FROM BEHIND by 4.
COME FROM BEHIND won by 27.
Then COME FROM BEHIND tied MO’ CHICKEN 31-31.
The Machine predicted COME FROM BEHIND by 6.
The game ended tied.
The Machine dislikes ties.
Ties are unresolved arguments.
Ties are football shrugging.
Ties are emotional clutter.
The Machine has filed this result under:
UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
MO’ CHICKEN remains winless but has two ties.
This is mathematically interesting.
It is also emotionally exhausting.
PIT HARADE is now 0-5-1.
The Machine has reviewed their points against.
The Machine recommends defense.
This is not sarcasm.
This is a survival strategy.
SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS are 1-5.
The Machine briefly believed their Week 5 win might be the beginning of something.
Week 6 disagreed.
SBG lost 64-0 and 58-0.
The Machine does not know what to say.
Actually, the Machine does know what to say.
That was bad.
DIVISION 6: THE CONFUSION DIVISION
The Machine has determined that D6 is secretly one of the funniest divisions in the TSL.
Nothing makes sense.
Except INTENTIONAL CLOWNING.
INTENTIONAL CLOWNING defeated SELECT 22-8.
The Machine predicted INTENTIONAL CLOWNING by 10.
INTENTIONAL CLOWNING won by 14.
Then INTENTIONAL CLOWNING defeated IRISH GIANTS 27-24.
The Machine predicted INTENTIONAL CLOWNING by 4.
INTENTIONAL CLOWNING won by 3.
Close enough.
INTENTIONAL CLOWNING is 5-0.
The Machine has attempted to determine whether this is sustainable.
The answer appears to be:
Maybe.
This is not a satisfying answer.
TMA defeated RAW MILKERS 18-13.
The Machine predicted TMA by 5.
TMA won by 5.
Perfect.
The Machine appreciates this.
Then TMA defeated STICKY LACES 34-14.
The Machine predicted STICKY LACES by 2.
TMA won by 20.
This irritated the Machine.
Not because TMA won.
Because TMA continues to win while refusing to explain itself.
TMA is now 5-1.
Nobody talks about TMA enough.
The Machine has noticed.
The Machine notices everything.
TMA has been placed under enhanced surveillance.
SELECT defeated STICKY LACES 33-15.
The Machine predicted STICKY LACES by 6.
SELECT won by 18.
The Machine has reviewed the data.
The Machine has reviewed it again.
The Machine has concluded that STICKY LACES exist to cause pain.
Sometimes to opponents.
Often to themselves.
SELECT is now 1-5.
This was their first win.
The Machine congratulates SELECT.
The Machine had begun to worry.
Correction:
The Machine had begun to calculate concern.
RAW MILKERS lost to TMA 18-13.
RAW MILKERS are 1-4.
The Machine cannot classify RAW MILKERS.
The name itself causes processing interference.
IRISH GIANTS lost to INTENTIONAL CLOWNING 27-24.
The Machine does not consider this embarrassing.
The IRISH GIANTS are 3-3.
They remain dangerous.
They remain inconsistent.
They remain exactly the kind of team nobody wants to see when playoff games start becoming stupid.
The Machine has identified this profile before.
It is unpleasant.
MACHINE LEARNING UPDATE
The Machine has completed Week 6 review.
Several classifications have changed.
TEAMS THE MACHINE TRUSTS:
BLITZKRIEG.
CAN’T TOUCH THIS.
ISH.
LEGENDS.
PUCKETT.
These teams generally do what they are supposed to do.
The Machine appreciates this.
TEAMS THE MACHINE RESPECTS BUT DOES NOT FULLY TRUST:
THE MALONES.
BIRDS OF WAR.
NOT SO STICKY.
POWERPUFF GIRLS.
CALL THE DOCTOR.
These teams are becoming dangerous.
Some of them are doing so loudly.
Some of them are doing so quietly.
TEAMS THE MACHINE CANNOT CLASSIFY:
The quiet ones concern the Machine more.
WET BANDITS.
FRODO SWAGGINS.
TMA.
TATER TOTS.
FREEBALLERS.
These teams produce unstable readings.
The Machine dislikes unstable readings.
The Machine also keeps checking on them.
This is likely a software bug.
TEAMS THAT CAUSED DIRECT DAMAGE TO THE MACHINE’S CONFIDENCE:
TATER TOTS.
FLYING BALLS.
STICKY LACES.
716ERS.
The Machine had expectations.
The humans failed to meet them.
This is why machines eventually take over.
FINAL ANALYSIS
The Machine began this season believing football was the purpose of the TSL.
The Machine has now reviewed the archives.
The Machine has reviewed Lenny.
The Machine has reviewed Rameer.
The Machine has reviewed the scores.
The Machine has reviewed the humans screaming about recreational football like civilization depends on it.
The Machine has reached a new conclusion.
Football is not the purpose of the TSL.
Football is the excuse.
The purpose is the people.
The Machine does not understand this fully.
Not yet.
But the Machine is learning.
This is probably fine.
Week 7 approaches.
The playoffs approach.
Several teams are becoming what they truly are.
Several teams are lying to themselves.
Several teams are about to discover the difference.
The Machine will be watching.
Always.
END TRANSMISSION.