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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe I am pleased to inform you that the Race for Social Co-Ed Touch Football Immortality is officially off!

            Week 1 brought everyone at the fields some football, some great games, and a little too much sun from what I was told. I know how you feel, it’s about to also be the season for the second best football league around, the NFL, and you’re feeling like the Fall Session should be a little more like, well, Fall. Good luck, as this week it seems as though you’ll be dealing with another nearly 80 degree day. Prepare accordingly.

            Regardless of all the heat shenanigans, Week 1 was like a little trial version of the TSL. For example, in any given week, the TSL could play up to 35 games. Last week, due to an overwhelming amount of requests off, a Bills game, and some other vacations and events, we only had 19 games overall played. That’s just slightly over half of a “full” TSL day. It didn’t matter, however, as Week 1 of Fall 2022 gave us a LOT to think about. As we’ve learned before, every week matters in the TSL, as it is just the first chapter in this session’s story. So what exactly did we find out?

THE GOOD:

• Joey Batts continues to prove he’s a God among men, going 3-0 on the day.
• B’s Brother was at the fields
•  The Usual Suspects change their name back to Bullet Club, but no matter what they’re called they went 2-0 on the day, the best start for a Joe K team in a decade
• Scott Senior’s Starting went out and pummeled their opponents to go to 2-0
• TMA looks every bit in top form with a 45-6 win
• D6 looks like it’ll be very competitive overall; TUDDIES WIN! TUDDIES WIN!
• Mountain Dew Me returns and looks apparently “even faster and even more Swedish somehow”

THE BAD:

• The divide between new D1 teams and old D1 teams looks to be wider than we thought
• Can’t Touch This starts out 0-2, but looked competitive in both games
• Travis Henry’s Kids jumps up to D4, Langley can’t avoid being terrible as his team carries him to a one point loss
• Vaspian forfeits already in Week 1.
• Let’s Get Reccked does exactly that, drops first two games of the season

THE UGLY:

• The Replacements scramble to get replacements, proceed to lose both games by a combined 118-32 score
• Get Schwifty also goes to 0-2, scrambles to get anything going on both sides of the ball
• Puckett All-Stars start out 0-2, the heat gets to them and they have a reported bad day at the office in the being nice department
• Woodpeckers go ‘old school’ and scramble for players at the last minute, lose by 40
• Topper takes the day off completely, doesn’t have a team for the first time since 1974

Lots of storylines developed in just one “small” week of TSL football, what’s going to happen this week when we play 27 games? Let’s take a look!

D1:

Last Week’s Games:

Legends 44, Grey Hair Don’t Care 16

Grey Hair Don’t Care 34, Scared Hitless 24

A very tiny slate of games for D1 this week that saw the Legends immediately reassert their dominance over the newest D1 team, before Grey Hair took the lessons they learned from the reigning champs and put them to good use, beating Scared Hitless to be 1-1 on the season.

This Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits vs Scared Hitless (+10) - I can’t ever imagine a world where Johnny Football would go 0-2, or, at least I thought I couldn’t. Scared Hitless didn’t have their best day at the office on the scorched Earth fields last week, but things aren’t going to get any better for them as they take on a Sticky Bandits team that is more motivated to prove last season’s Championship final appearance wasn’t a fluke that anything. STICKY BANDITS BY 12

Sticky Bandits vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+6) - Grey Hair didn’t look as good as they wanted to against the Legends, but it was helpful in that it showed Dave exactly what his team needs to do if they want to be D1 champions. GHDC should give Sticky a better game, especially with Sticky just coming off a game the hour before. Fun little upset time. GREY HAIR DON’T CARE BY 2

Tight Ends In Motion vs Passed Our Prime (+7) - TEIM had their worst season ever last year, so they decided it would be best to go back to the well and dust off a couple of Klecklers to see if it’ll work better for them. (Hint: It's more missing Emily/Robin than anything kids). Meanwhile, Passed Our Prime won D2 and I’ll give Hogan credit, he apparently declared immediately that they would move up and it didn’t matter if they had Kyle Conniff or Sean Weasel on their team, even if they were the big reasons POP went from “4-5 D2 team” to “Champions”. I don’t know what we’ll see from either squad, but I’m excited to hear about it. TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION BY 10

Gray Hair Don’t Care vs Passed Our Prime (+3) - GHDC is apparently getting their games in before September starts. There’s a decent chance they could be looking at being 3-1 here. Grey Hair has all the continuity in the world right now, and I think that Hogan’s squad needs a little more time to figure it out in D1. GREY HAIR DON’T CARE BY 9

Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion (+7) - Bobby McConnell had arguably his worst D1 regular season in 10 years last year. If you don’t think he was out in a random park doing wind sprints and envisioning live games, completing practice passes while blindfolded, you’re nuts. There are some whispers, apparently, that his new relationship has taken his eyes off the D1 prize and that he might be finished. Until I’m told it happens on the field, I have to take this probable Hall of Famer. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 8

D1/D2 Crossover Bonus Game: Legends vs Freeballers (+17) - The Freeballers get absolutely kicked in the ribs as their first game ever in D2 isn’t just a crossover game, but it's against the reigning and defending D1 champions. That, that just isn’t even fair. LEGENDS BY 22

D2:

Last Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins 65, The Replacements 18

Dilfs 53, The Replacements 14

Not a lot of D2 excitement as two of the big contenders to the D2 championship just absolutely slaughtered The Replacements. Hopefully this won’t become the norm for D2’s newest team.

This Week’s Games:

Frodo Swaggins vs Dilfs (EVEN) - And here we are, just a week later after the dual beat downs of the same team, Frodo v Dilfs. This matchup is going to be pretty great. Both teams have great guys, both teams have great girls, Dilfs have a better QB, but Frodo has Sean. This is your game of the week right here kids. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 1

The Untouchaballs vs Buffalo Vice Retro (+6) - Apparently, according to my good friend Dan Gonzalez, this version of BV is a bunch of the newer (see: mostly younger) players joining up with some old Sleezin Szn members to make a new squad. Last season, Vice was okay, and Sleezin wasn’t very good. I don’t know how that equates to a D2 team, but then again any team with Cailtyn Mason on it has a chance. However, it's against Jeremy Burr’s passion project, his buzzsaw D3 title team that moved up too. The UTB can defend Caitlyn with Melanie Linsmair of course, although there’s a growing number of people who think Caitlyn has surpassed Melanie and is now the #1 girl in the TSL. Should be a crazy fun to watch matchup. THE UNTOUCHABLES BY 10

D3:

Last Week’s Games:

Practice Squad 28, Mountain Dew Me 18

Bullet Club 35, Can’t Touch This 23

Scott Senior’s Starting 42, Can’t Touch This 35

Bullet Club 30, Get Schwifty 21

Scott Senior’s Starting 40, Get Schwifty 14

Practice Squad got a small bit of revenge for a past D5 OT championship loss to MDM, as the D4 champs are kicking off their D3 season very nicely. Bullet Club entrusted John Langley to throw for them this week, and he trusted Non-Award Winning Tommy Hughes to make him look good in leading BC to two wins on the day in a couple of contests that weren’t that close. Scott Senior didn’t start, or even play, but SSS kicked off the season the same way Bullet Club did, going 2-0 against CTT and Schwifty, both of whom sit at 0-2.

This Week’s Games

Practice Squad vs Mountain Dew Me (+10) - In a really fun and weird scheduling quirk, MDM and PS will battle each other once again for the second week in a row. We’ll have to see if MDM learned anything from last week to upset the Squad, but I’m thinking that they probably didn’t. B gets up for games against these guys, and he’s going to be ready for them, again. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7

Itches and Ohs vs 716 (+8) - Team Moser is back and ready to improve on last year’s season. They take on a 716 team that was “middle of the road” in D5 last year, but is relying on a new, yet perhaps untested team in D3. Derek Pew has a cannon, and he’ll have to put it to good use with his pair of talented Voss’ in order for them to compete. Expect a high scoring affair and the Itches and Ohs defense to let them down for a surprise loss. 716 BY 5

Practice Squad vs Itches and Ohs (+3) - Second game for both of these teams on the day, but PS will have a little longer to rest. I’ve always wondered, is it better to play the second game right away, or is it better to wait an hour or two and play again? I guess we’ll find out here. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 3

D4:

Last Week’s Games:

Zack Attack 20, Travis Henry’s Kids 19

Cunning Stunts 51, Puckett All-Stars 44

Cunning Stunts 21, Vaspian 0 (Forfeit)

Puckett All-Stars 50, Cobblestone 40

Zack Attack sneaks by Travis Henry’s Kids by a point in a game that both offenses struggled to really click in. But jokes aside, it really does look like THK will be just fine in D4. The Cunning Stunts proceeded to start off 2-0 this season, even if one was a forfeit win against a Vaspian team that beat them last season. Puckett may have lost a VERY close game against the girls, but they took on Cobblestone (who apparently only had 5 players for most of the game) and walked away with a 10 point win to start out 1-1 on the season

This Week’s Games:

Buffalo Vice vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+6) - Andy Clark has returned to Buffalo Vice, which means that this game against Spinelli’s is going to be a high scoring track meet. Both teams can score, and both teams have talent all over the board. The Over/Under is set at 73.5. I’d bet the over. BUFFALO VICE BY 4

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Zack Attack (+7) - Now, this may not matter if Spinelli’s is still wearing those awful cursed jerseys, but many reports said Zack Attack might have too many guys on the sidelines, and none of them look like a good quarterback. Sneaking out a 1 point win against a team jumping up two divisions is one thing, beating this juggernaut offense (when they wear black) is another. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 10

Buffalo Vice vs Vaspian (+9) - Rumor has it that Vaspian had a bit of a roster shakeup this offseason, and as a result hasn’t played a game with everyone on the team together just yet. Playing a team that’s been together since 1965 isn’t the best way to start things off. BUFFALO VICE BY 13

Cobblestone vs TOX (+17) - Considering all of the things I’ve heard from league management that was centered around making divisions even and putting teams in the right divisions, how on Earth did TOX get put into D4 again when they clearly needed to be in D5? This doesn’t bode well for TOX, and since they’re a team with some great people, you don’t want to see them get stomped a bunch again. Here’s hoping it’s different this time. COBBLESTONE BY 14

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons vs TOX (+10) - ILF is always an interesting team as Andrew Kicak’s side project has always produced decent, yet underwhelming results. However, they always feel like they’re on the precipice of taking it to the next level. If they can get some better female play and have Alex Baker play more like his father (or any of the non-descript males on the team take a step forward), ,they might be a fun bet for a D4 champion. ILF BY 10

Cobblestone vs ILF (+6) - Despite all the good I said about ILF above, they’re still going to run head first into Darryl Carr QB Superstar, who played a game with 5 people and nearly won last weekend. What do you think is going to happen when he has a full team this week? COBBLESTONE BY 10

D5:

Last Week’s Games:

TMA 45, Woodpeckers 6

Passing While Intoxicated 43, Let’s Get Reccked 8

Today’s Feast 26, Passing While Intoxicated 16

Come From Behind 38, Let’s Get Reccked 24

TMA realizes my fears for one week that they’re too good for D5 in a thrashing over the Woodpeckers. PWI apparently stayed true to their name as QB Buddy Lee was “having a good time” apparently in a win over Let’s Get Reccked. But more importantly, Today’s Feast took a big win against PWI to start off 1-0. Finally, Come From Behind used their combined 1,503,023 games of experience to take down the new team in LGR.

This Week’s Games:

Passing While Intoxicated vs Let’s Get Reccked (+14) - Another repeat game so quickly that tells me that Topper shouldn’t have let someone else do the schedule just yet. These two teams just met last week, and it wasn’t even close. Imagine if PWI has a sober QB. Yikes. PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 13

Today’s Feast vs Let’s Get Reccked (+3) - Today’s Feast always hung around in D4 but they weren’t QUITE there. D5 is going to be a great proving ground for them and I just feel like they’re going to really pop off this season and surprise us all. TODAY’S FEAST BY 10

TMA vs Passing While Intoxicated (+6) - So on one hand, TMA should be stomping everyone in D5, right? On the other hand, Passing While Intoxicated 28, TMA 20. PWI knocked Brent’s Buddies from the playoffs in Round 1, and were a QB injury away from perhaps winning the entire thing. Nobody does revenge games like TMA though. TMA BY 14

D6:

Last Week’s Games:

Not So Sticky 40, Punt Cakes 39

Two Tuddies 31, Punt Cakes 25

TUDDIES WIN! TUDDIES WIN! The Tud Buds finally get into the win column after a rough start to the season, and I couldn’t be happier for them. Not So Sticky also took home a win in Week 1 (They only beat the Tuddies last season) yet even though Punt Cakes (D6’s newest team) lost both games, they were highly competitive in both. Good signs ahead.

This Week’s Games:

Blitzkrieg vs Superior Moser Squad (+3) - SMS is going to be a good chunk of Itches and Ohs (or at least the Moser part of it) and Rylee is going to throw, which gives us an awesome female QB full time. Speaking of QB’s it seems as though BK is missing Alex this season (as is customary for the Fall) and LIGHT RED HOODIE GUY IS GOING TO BE DROPPIN’ DIMES ON D6! This should be a fun game to watch. BLITZKRIEG BY 7

Two Tuddies vs Lenny’s Ladies (EVEN) - The Tuddies take on their next assignment: a gender team. Riding the high of their first win, they’ll be itching to get a second one, but the key to beating a gender team is getting girl TDs. It remains to be seen if the Tuddies females can keep up with Joe K and the girls. LENNY’S LADIES BY 8

Not So Sticky vs Superior Moser Squad (+7) - NSS might struggle on offense sometimes, but their defense is usually pretty good. I think NSS will take advantage of the new team, and as a result pull out a victory. NOT SO STICKY BY 3

Lenny’s Ladies vs Punt Cakes (+6) - Same questions for this game as the other LL game: Can Punt Cakes’ females run with the girls on Lenny’s? If they can, and the athletes on Punt Cakes can get a few turnovers, Punt Cakes could take this one. PUNT CAKES BY 8

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 1. Who’s going to win Breakfast Club? In the Race for Mimosa Morning Glory, we have some big contenders for the crown. I was given the rosters after the draft, and there are some really good teams that were drafted. It’s awesome to see new girls step up to be captains of the first ever Fall Breakfast Club. After checking out the rosters though, it's hard to ignore the female advantage of Amber Alert. I think they beat Steph Infection in the finals. And can we talk about some of the great new team names? Amber Alert and The Messy Jessie’s are fantastic, and BDSM explains Becca a lot better to everyone.

 2. What’s shaping up to be the most competitive division? Can I say D6? It really seems like there’s going to be the smallest gap between the top and the bottom in that division.

3. Will we see Topper at the fields? YES! Not to get everyone too excited, but I received word today that Patrick “Topper” McGovern will be playing in Breakfast Club as a sub this week, quieting fears that he moved to Ireland already.

 4. What teams are you worried about already? It should be too early to talk about this, but I think it's fair to say The Replacements look out of place in D2 so far. Get Schwifty also might have bit off more than they can chew in D3.

 5. What teams are you excited to see play this week? I want to see what Passed Our Prime looks like in D1 without Kyle and Sean. I want to see Jeremy Burr do Burr things in D2. I want to hope that Spinelli’s Plumbing absolutely ditches the cursed jerseys and balls out again. And of course I’m interested to see how the Superior Moser Squad experiment plays out. The league should ALWAYS be excited about a female QB.

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1. Breakfast Club is back and here are my predictions:

• BDSM 27, The Special Kay’s 20
• Amber Alert 42, The Messy Jessie’s 26
• Steph Infection 38, Jennacide 37

 2. B’s Brother came back from Atlanta to make sure he didn’t miss a single week of the TSL this session. If only more of us had his dedication, this league could be even better.

 3. The TSL Podcast was up on Spotify (and the website!) this week. It wasn’t as good without Topper and his stats, but still a good show. Good call adding long time contributor Emily Schilling as a co-host. We need new blood and fresh voices on the podcast this season, here’s hoping we get that.

 4. Also, The Sentinel has returned to the TSL for this season, and of course the Power Rankings are always there to get everyone upset.

 5. Here are the best games to watch each hour, in my professional opinion:

• 10:00 - Dilfs vs Frodo Swaggins
• 11:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Practice Squad
• 12:00 - Grey Hair Don’t Care vs Passed Our Prime
• 1:00 - Lenny’s Ladies vs Two Tuddies
• 2:00 - Practice Squad vs Itches and Ohs
• 3:00 - TMA vs Passing While Intoxicated

 6. I’m excited for next season when we go back to how we did things in 2011 and there will be only one team allowed per player. It’s been said, but getting fresh blood into the system is how we’ve stayed on top of the Social Co-Ed Football food chain for 11 years. The goal should always be to keep it that way.

 7. I’ve heard rumblings that banquet planning is already under way. For those that don’t know, the TSL Banquet is best described as “a wedding without the wedding”. An open bar dance party where everyone is dressed up nicely and we have a massively good time. Considering the pandemic stole TWO banquets from us, this one is going to be even better. Start preparing your livers now.

 8. Am I getting stuff wrong for your team? Is there a name I should be shouting out? Email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and tell me why I’m wrong or who I should be touting for these future awards. Or just tell me about your games.

 9. The outside bar being closed because of bees for Week 1 of football is very, very weak. Here’s hoping that it won’t be an issue for you guys in Week 2.

 10. I love to see how many people are stepping up to referee. Keep it going TSL. Don’t lose steam in four weeks.

Good luck out there this week and remember not to be a Travis and be nice to the refs. They don’t HAVE to be there.

-GF OUT

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