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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe! Hello!

 

We made it. I don’t know how we did it, but we’re here. The Topper Sports League is FINALLY a go! I know you’re beyond excited, as am I. I’ve always enjoyed hearing and writing about this league, and while the world went crazy, I didn’t get to write about our favorite sports league. It made an even more boring time worse!

 

But, none of that matters now. What truly matters is that on Saturday, August 15^th in the Year of Our Lord 2020, the TSL 2020 Season will begin. 44 teams will begin the race for social co-ed football immortality across six divisions. And it’s going to be a race unlike any other we’ve seen before. The absolute biggest reason this season will be different of course is NOT COVID-19.

 

Let’s face it, this season is going to be so weird without Rameer. Rameer was the guy who held this league together at times. He always made people feel included. That was his greatest strength. He talked to everyone, and really made them feel at home. The reason we’re such a family at the TSL is partly due to his example. Yes, a lot of TSLers have followed his lead in including as many people as possible, but it’ll never be the same as getting the “Rameer” experience.

 

It’s incredible that in two years, I’ve had to talk about such a HUGE loss for this league. I can’t express how badly we need to wrap Topper in bubble wrap and put him in a cryogenic freezer after football each week. We can thaw him out on Friday mornings. It’s the safest plan for the league.

 

As usual, just like we did last year, the TSLers have been stepping up to make sure this league can run as smoothly as possible. Coach Jay has taken over the title of Head Referee. He has some big shoes to fill, but I really think he’s a fantastic choice for this position. Anything I’ve ever heard of him has been positive. Topper has started the “TSL BOD”, which is a bunch of well known TSLers who have stepped up to help run the league. Unsurprisingly, Joe K and Val Bernal are a part of this team. Emily Curry, Jeff Krol, and, yes, even Travis have been included with this group in order to help things along. It takes about 3-4 “regular” TSLers to even come close to doing what a Lenny or a Rameer did for us, so try to cut them some slack as they try to enforce the new rules for the league.

 

Ah yes, the new guidelines. The TSL was not safe from COVID-19’s reach, and as a result, we had to change a lot of things in order for us to play this year. Your captain’s should’ve passed along the new guidelines, but if not, here’s a fun review of the new rules:

 

 

1.  logistics of how and when to arrive/play; we are asking that teams enter and exit the fields at designated areas.  The entrance will be located near Topper’s car(see attached field layout) the field exit will be located by the tree line furthest away from the bar. Teams may start to enter the fields 10 minutes before their game times, again practice social distancing, and only once the teams leave the playing fields may the next games teams enter the field.  Teams must setup behind opposite endzones.  After your game is over, we ask you to put on your mask, clean up your bags and trash, and exit the playing fields as soon as possible so that the next games can begin.

 

Yeah, all of this is a lot. Apparently, you’ll arrive at the fields (We only have four this season) and you’ll notice that they’re surrounded by orange snow fencing. You enter (with a mask on) by Topper’s car, and you’ll exit at a different point. You can’t hang around the fields. Once your game ends, mask up and get moving. I know it sucks for those post-game “How did we blow that game?” convos that Slytherin has to have, but it’ll have to be done in the parking lot.

 

 

2.  be patient with the safety guidelines, it’s the only way we can play ball; this is new to all of us, so please keep that in mind if things are a bit different this season.  Hopefully we can get through the full season together, but only if you and your teammates cooperate and follow our guidelines as well as those of the Angry Buffalo

 

This is pretty simple: If you choose to ignore this stuff, you won’t be allowed to play. It’s harsh, but this is a scenario where one person can mess everything up for the entire league. DON’T. BE. THAT. GUY. OR. GIRL.

 

3.  Everything is subject to change as we see what’s working and what’s not.  Again, this is new to all of us, so please let one of us know if there is an issue or concern.

 

I’ll stress this part here too: PLEASE tell us your ideas and what concerns you may have. The only bad ideas are the ones you don’t tell us. Or the ones that come from Joey Batts.

 

 

Those three rules are just the beginning. Here’s the Updated TSL Guidelines for the season. I’ll jump in with some emphasis where I think it’s needed:

 

Updated Guidelines

·        The TSL and The Angry Buffalo will have Covid-19 guidelines in place and posted at the fields, all players MUST have a mask, and follow the posted instructions on when they must wear their mask. There won’t be any tolerance for players and patrons who don’t follow the posted guidelines.

·        We have put together a group of volunteers to help manage the game day experience

o   Volunteers: Joe K, Valerie Bernal, Travis Clevenger, Jay Jaskier, Emily Curry and Jeff Krol

o   I have asked them to help make sure players are checking in, entering the fields and exiting the fields in the designated areas

o   They will be wearing orange shirts in honor of Rameer

o   They will be enforcing our guidelines.

o   Please do not be disrespectful to them, any rude behavior will not be tolerated.

·        Please make sure your players/teammates have masks or they will not be able to play.  Games will not be held up because players aren’t signing in on time

 

Like I said above, these TSLers are doing what they can to make sure things run smoothly. Don’t be dicks to them, other than, again, Travis. We understand that one. So yes, if you’re a super tough macho guy getting told what to do by Emily or Val, just listen to them. Please. Don’t make it a thing.

 

·        Prior to entering the fields, all players must sign into our Covid Tracing App.  There will be signs posted with a QR code that will take you to this form https://toppersports.com/covid/ where you and your teammates will have to sign in, and answer the questions.  It’s quick, and it’s necessary!!

 

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. MAKE SURE ALL OF YOUR TEAMMATES ARE AWARE.

 

·        Teams may start to enter the fields 10 minutes prior to their game time, so please make sure you have checked in on the app.

·        Teams will not be permitted to be on the sidelines, rather please setup behind the endzones.  Because of potential subbing issues, we have added a 4th time out for each team to use this season.

 

Please remember you’ll have four timeouts. You just know there’s going to be those LONG personnel changes.

 

·        Please practice social distancing: do not warn up where other teams have congregated, please wait for the teams playing prior to your game to leave the field before entering the field.

·        Masks must be worn when entering the fields.  There will be a designated field entrance area, and a designated field exit area.  Please use the entrance and exit areas as intended.  The field entrance will be located near my truck(for those of you who have played before) for those new to the league, look for the Silver ford explorer.

 

·        The Rosegarden has setup a lot of outdoor seating for us, please be patient with their staff, and understand that food must be ordered when purchasing alcohol.  Please follow the current restaurant covid policy’s, face mask must be worn until you are seated.  Do not table jump, meaning if you have friends at a table nearby, do not walk over to them without a mask. 

·        Unfortunately, we cannot have spectators at our fields.  Those of you who play on more than 1 team, we suggest that you bring a lawn chair and tailgate so to speak, or go up to the bar and grab a table.

 

This sucks, I know. A great part of the TSL is having our moms and dads, our other friends, and our kids there to watch us play. Please don’t bring them, don’t make it weird. Nobody wants to be the person who has to ask someone to remove their 3 year old from the premises.

 

·        There is expanded parking behind the bar, so please park up against the tree lines, and make sure to leave room for cars to get out. (see attached layout)

·        Dogs are permitted, must be accompanied by an adult and on a leash at all times, and obviously, not permitted in the bar area or the fields.

 

This is something we hoped to return this season, but it’s going to be much harder now with no spectators. So yes, if you’re going to bring Fido, please do, but make sure your teammates will be willing to hold onto the leash on the sidelines. And clean up after them please. Remember, there will be no tethering the dogs to a stake in the ground. Just really want to be clear here.

 

·        While playing you do not have to wear a mask, however we do encourage that gaiter scarfs be worn if at all possible.

 

·        I encourage all players download the telegram messaging app and join our channel, this is the fastest way for us to update everyone on league news and events

 

I know we pimp the telegram app every single season, but it’s very, very true: Getting the app will allow you to get the most up to date information for the league. It could save you a trip to the fields if say, your game gets rained out.

 

That just about covers everything. It’s going to be weird for everyone. Please keep an open mind and don’t have a freak out right away about the new rules. Topper is doing the best he can to make sure we can have some semblance of fun this year. Don’t ruin it. Work with us, not against us.

 

 

And now, what you’re really here for. SEASON PREDICTIONS!

 

These predictions aren’t going to be as dialed in as I like them to be. It’s a different world. So many players have changed teams or some teams have simply lost players who aren’t playing because of the virus, and that’s understandable. But, I get to pick who’s going to win anyway! Let’s get it going!

 

D1:

 

Public Enemy (2-1)

Eyes Downtown (2-1)

Marketing Mayors (4-1)

Tight Ends in Motion (8-1)

Gryffindor (10-1)

Why So Serious? (100-1)

 

Here’s the lowdown: As usual, it’s a two horse race between Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown. I had heard that Bobby Basketball upgraded his rosters a bit more in order to overcome PE once more. Public Enemy are the reigning champions, and from what I’ve been told they’ll have mostly everyone back. I had heard Pauly J is still on the fence about playing, and his loss would be huge for a Public Enemy team looking to repeat. Marketing Mayors come in where they always do: slightly underappreciated, but they can win the title if you sleep on them. They’re capable of putting it all together, as we’ve seen in the recent past, but Cory Turner gave me the inside scoop that they’re going to struggle a bit with the roster each week. Tight Ends is still the desperate team hoping to finally break into the upper echelon. They get better every season, but with Katie Salisbury sitting the season out, things looked bleak. Instead, TEIM has signed Free Agent Maggie LaMantia, who is hands down the best rusher in the league. Their biggest issue will once again be at QB, as Alex will be back under center. We’ve said it for years now, he doesn’t have the arm strength to put TEIM over the top. Perhaps he got incredibly strong during quarantine? Gryffindor must have some sort of revamped roster, but all I know for sure is that Travis has been added to the team. He’ll help Joey Batts and Co a bit, but is he enough to help them ascend to the top of the Division? We’ll find out. Finally, Why So Serious? comes in to the league and goes straight to D1. I love their moxie, but the only thing anyone could tell me about Pete’s new team is that they got beat up pretty badly in one of the winter tournaments, even losing to a Game On! team. They may be in over their head.

 

Prediction:  Eyes Downtown take the D1 title away from Public Enemy.

 

D2:

 

Peachy Platoon (3-1)

DIlf’s (4-1)

HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO (5-1)

Bullet Club (7-1)

Slytherin That End Zone (9-1)

Sticky Bandits (10-1)

Jabronies (12-1)

Morning Wood (20-1)

 

Here’s the lowdown: Peachy Platoon returns as the favorites this season. A big reason for that? They’re getting slightly older and in their prime while the other teams are pretty much getting slightly older and further away from their prime. Honestly, this division is VERY close among it’s best teams. Peachy may have lost Dave Wilbern, and a few other pieces, but they’ve already told me that they’ve replaced them with younger, better versions. They’re just always dangerous. The Dilf’s were too scared to make the jump to D1 after winning the D2 title last season, but they’ve added a lot of firepower anyway. They’re definitely favorites to repeat this time around, and adding speedster Casey Oliphant can only make things better for them. HOFBRUHAUS BUFFALO, Team Topper, is back but they’re all a little older and they’ve lost Pete to Why So Serious?. I haven’t heard if they added anyone to replace him. Bullet Club’s roster remains mostly the same, but they’ve added Glenn Bird for this season. Joe K has apparently gotten hurt, so one could say that’s an addition by subtraction as well. SlTE has always been a team that’s up and down. At their best, they can win the division. At their worst? They can lose any game by 30. They’re incredibly hard to predict with the inconsistency, which is why they find themselves smack in the middle here. Gary reached out to me to talk about the roster changes, and while they had some big losses, they patched those holes with Coach Jay, Taylor Pagano, Sal Gandalfo of “We Back” fame, and newcomer Chelsey Milleville. More importantly, Gary and Jess got married this offseason and she’s pregnant! Congrats guys. That’s awesome. The Sticky Bandits aren’t scared to move up when they win a title, and they find themselves in D2. Jeff Krol and the gang tend to be smarter than just about any team they’ve faced before. D2 is another animal though. Personally, I expect a solid .500 season from them in their first go. After a season of getting their feet wet, look out for them to contend in the Spring. The Jabronies have fared well since they’ve started in the league, but D2 might be a heck of a jump for them. They were a solid “middle of the road” team in D3 last time around, and perhaps they’re biting off more than they can chew here. Finally, Dave and Mo have left Peachy Platoon to raise Morning Wood from the dead. They were a bit overmatched in D2 last time they appeared in the TSL, so unless they got a complete roster overhaul, I’m not sure they’ll do much better than 2-7. Besides, it’s like one unidentified Topper said “Either way, they still have Mo, so it doesn’t matter.”.

 

Prediction: Dilf’s repeat, defeating Slytherin That Endzone in the final.

 

 

D3:

 

Frodo Swaggins (2-1)

All We Do Is Quinn (5-1)

Scared Hitless (7-1)

En Fuego (10-1)

Grey Hair – Don’t Care (12-1)

Vaspian (12-1)

The Untouchaballs (15-1)

 

Here’s the lowdown: This is Frodo Swaggins’ division to lose. Which means they probably will. Garrett, Scotty, and their merry band of bland guys who all look the same will be hard to beat, simply because they have the most time playing together. These guys and gals have been working hard to win a title, and they’ve had mostly the same team together for years now. It’ll be harder with two girls on the IR this season, but they have the best QB in the division easily. Quinn appears to be on their last legs, as they’ve had some big losses to their roster. Apparently they’re getting the band back together (or what’s left of it) for a final run. They’re still talented, so they can take this for sure. If I have my information right, Scared Hitless and Grey Hair are two sides of the split of End Game. Sources say that Scared Hitless got most of the talent though. That remains to be seen, but Hitless vs Hair might be a great grudge match. En Fuego is in D3 for some reason. When we last saw them, they were losing to Cobblestone in the D5 playoffs and crying about it. Somehow that warrants a jump to D3. These are strange times we’re living in. I admire Blasé’s trust in his team, but I don’t see them dominating like they did before. If anything, it seems like they’re avoiding getting beaten up on by the Angels and Stunts. Vaspian was a great addition to the league, and I’m thrilled they’ve returned. They still have a bit to work out though, so I don’t think a championship run is in them. And honestly, I don’t know who The Untouchaballs are. They could be amazing. They could be terrible. We’ll find out.

 

Prediction: Scared Hitless upsets Frodo Swaggins in the title game.

 

 

D4:

 

The Angels (2-1)

Cunning Stunts (3-1)

Over Compensators (6-1)

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers (7-1)

Buffalo Solar Solutions (9-1)

Freeballers (12-1)

Family Feud And Some Dudes (25-1)

 

Here’s the lowdown: The Angels come into to defend their D4 title, which is surprising because you’d have thought they’d go to D3. You’ll notice they’re not “Matty’s” this season. Matty Ice won’t be gracing the TSL with his presence this season, for reasons that have yet to be explained to me. Anyway, the front runners that the Angels are, they just went out and got Bobby McConnell to QB the team. I’m pretty sure they’re almost completely made up of D1 players now, yet it seems like we’re going to stay in D4 for some reason. That’s pretty weak. The Stunts are the favorites to beat the Angels, because well, they’re the only ones that have really done it in the last few seasons. No idea who is in or out for the Stunts this season. The OC come in hot after dominating everyone in D5 last season. Larry is a stud at QB, and it’s going to be awesome to watch these guys take on better competition. They just keep getting better. Uncle Ricos was a ridiculously hot and cold team last season. If they can ride out the hot streak they ended last season on, they can take this title. Buffalo Solar comes in with largely the same roster they had last time out. Captain Dan is nice enough to email me to give some info, and it seems they’ve added another female to really help them compete. No pressure there, Kayla. They’re going to be missing a ton of people each week, so look for them to be a playoff sleeper after maybe not the best regular season. The Freeballers are the creation of 40 year plan guy, who proceeded to separate from 3^rd and Schlong. This is going to be a mixed bag of players who tend to think they’re much better than they are. It’s really going to come down to QB play and whatever females 40 YPG paid to play for them. I think they’re the ones that stole Steph Czaja from TMA, but I’m not 100% sure. Finally, FFASD is a team I yet again know nothing about. As a result, they get horrible odds until we get some data on them.

 

Prediction: The Angels stay the big fish in the small pond, defeating the Stunts yet again.

 

 

D5:

 

The Practice Squad (4-1)

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (4-1)

TOX (6-1)

Zack Attack (7-1)

Intentional Pounding (9-1)

Cobblestone (11-1)

Mountain Dew Me (12-1)

Pink Pteratacos (20-1)

 

Here’s the Lowdown: I think just about any team can win this division. I know the odds suggest otherwise, but it’s a lot closer that it seems. The Practice Squad feels like it’s finally their turn, after being close to a championship the last few seasons but just barely not being able to get the job done. ILF comes in with some fanfare, as it seems that come from the Sticky – Tight Ends – Jabronies mold, which means at the very least, they know how to play the game. TOX is the fun team Topper threw together, which should remind us of the last few D5 teams he used to trot out. This team should be full of league icons. Zack Attack ran through D6 last season, so it only makes sense they move up to D5. I think they’ll fit right in here. Intentional Pounding is what’s left of our lovely friends from 3^rd and Schlong. Team Keller is strong here, but I don’t yet know who they added to get this team to the top of the division. Cobblestone, as far as I know, returns everyone from the team that upset En Fuego in the last playoffs. Mountain Dew Me is right where they need to be in D5, as they bit off more than they could chew in D4 last season. They weren’t terrible last season, but dropping a division while they figure things out a bit more really feels like the right move. Finally, we have the Pteratacos who, I think I was told, were the final team to register. I’m glad they’re back, but here’s hoping they added some players from last season’s team where they may have been the worst team in the entire league.

 

Prediction: Zack Attack defeats Practice Squad for the title.

 

 

D6:

 

TMA (4-1)

The BiPolar Express (7-1)

Graves Bros. (8-1)

The Bambs (9-1)

PC Plumbing (10-1)

Tater Tots (13-1)

Lenny’s Ladies (22-1)            

Blitzkrieg (30-1)

 

Here’s the lowdown: Well, I say this a lot, but this division is TMA’s to lose. TMA should’ve moved up to D5 for this season, but it appears that they’ve lost some female firepower. Steph left for greener pastures, and then word dropped recently in TSL circles that team icon Drunk Meg isn’t playing either. TMA has always relied on how strong all 4 girls are, and now they’re a bit weaker. They’re going to lean on Diana Bernal and Val Testa more than ever this season, which isn’t a bad thing. However, they still boast a very good roster, even with Prim, and they’re talented enough to overcome the losses. As always with TMA, they just need to get out of their own way. The BiPolar Express comes in with consistency within their roster. Gordon’s girls have been getting better and better as the seasons have gone on, and they were in the Final 4 last season. The biggest hurdle for the team was when they would lose 4 girls from the lineup when they played for TMA. With the recent roster changes, that’s lessened. Graves Bros was just behind the leaders last season, and another season under their belts can only lead to improvements. They went head to head with BPX, and with TMA changing it up a little bit, AND with the Passless Chaps nowhere to be found, AND with Zack Attack moving up, well, they absolutely have a shot at this title. The Bambs (2.0) come back yet again, and its just great to have a league staple playing. It’s weird without them. PC Plumbing is a new-ish team but with Payton Spinelli running the team, that means we’ll probably see some form of The Replacements. The Tater Tots return and well, I don’t know if they got any better or not. Rumors have it that Drunk Meg has joined her beau in orange, which is a great improvement to a team that was semi-devoid of star power. Lenny’s Ladies is our newest gender team that was supposed to be QB’d by Joe K, but his offseason injury means that he’ll be on the sidelines. Who QB’s the team from here? What’s important, however, is that we have another gender team showcasing the league’s fantastic women that the TSL is lucky to have. Finally, Blitzkrieg returns! They had a very rough go last season, but it was their first one together. Team Captain Alex emailed me and immediately declared that Tom Hineman is *THE* best deep threat in D6. I look forward to see if they can prove it.

 

Prediction:  The BiPolar Express takes the D6 title, winning over Graves Bros in the final.  

 

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. WILL B’S BROTHER GRACE US WITH HIS PRESENCE AND TAKE EVERYONE’S TEMPERATURES? We can only hope.

 

2. How smoothly will everything go with the new COVID guidelines? I’d actually wager that we’re so excited to even be playing that people will follow the rules as best as they can.

 

3. How quickly will the bar empty out? I just have this feeling that people are going to leave a lot earlier than usual with all of the new rules in place. Remember, if you go to the bar to get your buckets, you’ll need to order food apparently. That’s not how Iowa works, but it seems New York is stupid.

 

4. How many of my predictions are going to look bad after Week 1? Probably all of them. This isn’t easy.

 

5. How weird are the fields going to feel without Rameer stomping around keeping an eye on everyone? I can’t even begin to think about how weird it’s going to be for everyone Saturday.

 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

 

1. I think the Angels really wussed out here and they should’ve gone to D3. Weak.

 

2. The TSL just won’t be the same without Matty Ice being around either. Not seeing A&A on the standings page is just so weird.

 

3. I hope everyone that signed up for Breakfast Club still wants to do it next Spring. We had the most sign ups ever for it, and it was going to be awesome!

 

4. I’ve said this 100 times, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOLLOW THE NEW GUIDELINES AND DON’T RUIN THIS FOR EVERYONE.

 

5. It’s early, but here are the top games for each game time:

               10:00 – Uncle Rico’s vs Over Compensators

               11:00 – Slytherin That End Zone vs Jabronies

               12:00 – Practice Squad vs Cobblestone

               1:00 – TMA vs The Bambs

               2:00 – Zack Attack vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

               3:00 – Dilf’s vs Sticky Bandits

 

6. The weather looks pretty good! 86 degrees and only a slight chance of a thunderstorm!

 

7. If you want to get your team noticed, or have any questions for me, you can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . Give your team a shout out! I emailed all of the captains already looking for some scoops.

 

8. I know, you were probably looking for some game predictions, but currently the TSL Power Rankings team has yet to send the lines to me. Also, it was more important to stress the new guidelines. Don’t worry, they’ll be back next week.

 

9. Its EXTREMELY important for everyone on your team to complete the TSL COVID Tracing App prior to your game at the fields.. Go to Toppersports.com/covid to fill it out. If you don’t, you can’t play. Please make sure your entire team does it.

 

10. This will easily be the weirdest season we’ve ever faced. With so many guidelines we’ve added, and COVID security measures put in place, it may not feel exactly like a TSL season, but it’s something. Be good to each other. Wear sunscreen. We’ll all be thinking of Rameer, and Lenny, when this season kicks off. Let’s make this the best we possible can.

 

I’ll be in the cut. Wherever that is.

 

-The GF.

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