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Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  This week we look at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL (and we even have one of our fancy "Team Graphs" for you).  Next week we look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  And of course, this week and every week we will also be looking at the Greatest QBs in the TSL (it's what we get "paid" for, after all).  

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 38-16 (Legends)

There have been ten D1 games so far this session, excluding crossover games.  Four games been decided by 11+ points (more than one score).  All four were Legends games (three wins and a loss).  Cunning Stunts aren't exactly struggling either, though they didn't play this week.  Still #1 in your Rankings and in your heart, Joey Batts.

 

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 49-48

Bobby moves up one spot in the Rankings with a nearly flawless game against the Sticky Bandits.  Eyes Downtown have won three in a row now against all three of their D1 opponents after starting the season 0-2.  Whatever was wrong with these guys doesn't seem like a problem anymore.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-48, beat Scared Hitless 33-30

Thomas is still the highest scoring quarterback in D1 and is just a few plays away from being 6-0 this season.  Of course he's also a few plays away from being 1-5 this season, so tough to know what to make of that.  The Sticky Bandits are the only D1 team to have not lost a game by more than 6 points so far this session (Legends will look to change that this week).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 54-14

There are only two teams in the TSL averaging more than 40 PPG right now: one of them is Notorious BNB, and the other plays in D4.  Bullet Club is struggling but 54 is a good day for Buchlis no matter who the opponent.  Notorious BNB is now the only team in D2 with only one loss in the standings (even though our website has them in 4th for some reason).

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 27-8

It's strange when Passed Our Prime is NOT leading their division in scoring, but right now they're #2 to Notorious BNB (there's a chart below if you want to scroll down a bit).  Bullet Club is allowing the fourth most points per game in the League, so we're a little disappointed Hogan couldn't put up 50+ against them.  Must have been an off day.

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 14-0, lost to Sticky Bandits 33-30 (Crossover game)

We don't care even a little that Dylan lost the TSL's first Crossover game of the season against a D1 team.  If anything it's impressive that they almost won.  That shutout loss against Grey Hair - Don't Care though... that was unexpected.  We know they weren't at full strength, but getting blanked is enough to drop Dylan a couple spots in the Rankings this week.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 38-16 (TEIM), beat Frodo Swaggins 47-46 (Buffalo Vice)

The Tight Ends in Motion offense is averaging 17.5 PPG in their last two weeks, both losses.  The Buffalo Vice offense is averaging 39.0 PPG in their last two weeks, both wins.  We suspect Seth is having more fun with the latter.  Maybe Dan Gonzalez is a faster receiver than Ben Stack.  Can we have them race?

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 37-15

The Untouchaballs have the best record, best offense, (second) best defense, and the best point differential in D3.  Do they have the best quarterback too?  What's the highest a pure D3 quarterback has ever gone in our Rankings before?  We should look that up.  Next week will be the Battle of the 'Balls between Untouchaballs and Freeballers, debatably the next best team in the division, in what should be the game of the week.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 14-0, beat DILFS 40-39

Grey Hair - Don't Care started the season 0-3, and they're on a 3-0 tear ever since.  Shutout win over division-leading Scared Hitless, huge win (with absolutely zero controversy) over DILFS... Eickhoff has completely turned around his team's season over the past couple of weeks.  Grey Hair looks to be one of maybe five real contenders in D2 this season.  

 

#10 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

DILFS went 1-1 without Dubey this week.  We wonder how he would have reacted to the "Garbacz Incident"...

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 54-14, lost to Passed Our Prime 27-8 (Bullet Club)

Hey how about those Freeballers?  They had a bye this week and they've only played three games this session.  We THINK they're still undefeated with Dylan quarterbacking, so that's pretty exciting.  Yes, there is absolutely nothing else to talk about with teams that Dylan quarterbacks, so let's move along to the next guy in our Rankings...

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 47-46

Oh, Garrett.  You love the TSL so much that you're committed to giving the fans their money's worth every week as they watch the end of your games.  Never a dull moment.  Frodo seems destined to finish 4-4-1 with a +0 point differential.  We look forward to their quadruple overtime playoff games next month.  

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Scotty lost one game against Untouchaballs and he needed a week off to regroup.  After two straight weeks of meditation and silent reflection, we expect he will never lose another game.

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 46-29

We were ready to crown these guys as D4 champions a couple weeks ago when they were murdering everyone in their path.  Obviously it's too early to panic (they still have the best point differential in their division, and the best offense in the entire League at 42.6 PPG) but still, maybe they aren't as destined for the championship game as we once thought.  

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Itches and Ohs game this week due to the weather situation for our 3 o' clock games.  Lucky for them, we hear they were missing Steve anyway.

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 22-15

Fifteen points?  B, you're supposed to be better than that.  This was Practice Squad's first loss of the year (and against another undefeated team) so we'll let it slide and keep you in the #16 spot this week, despite all the pressure we get from your detractors to #MoveBdown.

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play

XMD is 0.5 PPG away from joining the elite 40+ PPG club.  Maybe next week Jeff!

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 32-17

We learned this week that before Puckett All-Stars were "Puckett All-Stars", they were "Cupcake" and "Go Fumble Yourself".  No word on whether TJ QBed all those iterations of this team, but we short-changed them on our All-Time Team Rankings last week by treating the four time champs as three separate teams.  Sorry guys... don't change names so much!  The combined Puckett All-Stars/Cupcake/Go Fumble Yourself Team has won two D4 championships as well as a D5 and a D6 title (good for #29 on our all time Ranking).  They're also tied with A&A for second most championships of all time, and if they win D4 this session they will tie Public Enemy for most championships in TSL history with five.  

 

#19 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 51-12

Red Zone Mafia had their second 50+ point game of the season on Saturday and they're one of three 1-Loss teams at the top of the D5 standings.  We don't factor in non-QB contributions to these rankings, but if we did Blake would be towards the top our list.

 

#20 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Sleezin Szn has only played three games, and Newman didn't make at least one of them, and they haven't won a game yet.  Slow start to this Szn!

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Lost to Today's Feast 36-20

Joe Cool has had an up and down season for the Falcons, beating Spinelli's one week and losing to the Feast the next.  We're still not sure how good this team is, and they've been in the League forever now.  Lump them into that "dangerous enough that they can beat anyone, but also inconsistent enough that they could get rocked in the first round of playoffs" category.

 

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 22-15

Vaspian is undefeated and yet they have only the 34th best points per game in the TSL.  The fact that they allow 16.0 PPG on defense is a huge part of their success, and frankly the reason Brian isn't higher on this list despite having a better record in his division than six of the quarterbacks ranked higher than him.  Is that fair?  We're not sure!

 

#23 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Tater Tots 34-14

Cobblestone is #1 in the D5 standings with a 5-1 record after thoroughly handling the Tots this week.  They're a fairly balanced team this year boasting the division's third best offense and third best defense.  But their defense doesn't have famous hair and the offense does, so Darryl gets the credit.  Sorry LeSeaon.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 46-29

Who is this guy?  We don't know much about Ryan Dougherty or Can't Touch This (if only they would e-mail us!) but after a miserable start to the season (0-3 and averaging 11 PPG) they've now ripped off two wins in a row against Practice Squad and... Spinelli's Plumbing?  Okay.  We'll keep an eye on these guys.

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for John "The Arm" Langley this week.

 

***

Here's a quote from our very own Power Rankings Committee two weeks ago: "We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below."

 

Well, it's two weeks later!  This is usually the cut-off in the season where most teams have actually played enough games for stats to have SOME meaning.  The average team has played 4.82 games so far (more than halfway through our season), and TMA has already played seven games somehow, so we're ready to actually start discussing trends.  Here's the same graph, but with more meaningful results:

 

 

So what have we learned from this?

 

Spinelli's Plumbing is still the highest scoring team in the League two weeks after they dominated our original chart, but their ridiculous lead over the next best team has dwindled from nearly 10 PPG to less than 1 PPG as Notorious BNB is right on their heels for best offense in the TSL.  Spinelli's and BNB are the only teams in the League scoring more than 40 PPG.

 

If 40+ PPG is the gold standard for great offenses, then 20 PPG or less should be considered the "gold standard" for terrible offenses.  And we've got several of them with TEN teams failing to average 20+ PPG.  We won't name them all (you can read a graph, right?) but TOX, Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers are currently battling it out for last place offensively.

 

The League is currently averaging 28.0 PPG, so if your team is scoring more than that, you're better than average.  The same works for defense by the way (which we haven't shown above), if your team is averaging giving up more than 28.0 PPG, you can throw a little blame on your defense.

 

D1 appears to be the most even division top to bottom with only 10.3 PPG separating the Sticky Bandits from Tight Ends in Motion (if you'd asked us pre-season for best and worst D1 offenses, we might have guessed it'd be these two teams but in the reverse order).  There's a lot more disparity in other divisions though:  D2-D5 all have more than 20 PPG separating the top from the bottom, and D6 is a story of two sub-divisions (three teams that can score, and three that cannot).

 

The teams leading their respective divisions in offense right now are a combined 21-8.  The teams that have the FEWEST points per game in their divisions right now are a combined 2-24-1.  Tough to win without a productive offense.

 

Untouchaballs are undefeated in D3 and they lead their division in scoring, which makes sense.  Vaspian are undefeated in D4 and they are 9th in their division in scoring, which makes... less sense.  

 

Nothing to do with the TSL of course, but the Bills' best two offensive seasons during their '90s run came in the years they got destroyed in the SuperBowl, and the years their offense wasn't as good were the years they almost won.  Go figure.

 

***

The Greatest Female Players in the TSL

 

Remember when we had all those championship statistics to support our "Greatest Teams of All Time" last week?  Yeah, we don't have ANY of that for what we're about to attempt.  Below are the greatest active female players in the TSL, as determined by our own panel of experts along with input from everyone that emailed us this week to weigh in.  We didn't take all of your suggestions (we don't even know who some of the girls we were emailed about are) but when you see the same names over and over again it's kind of obvious who the best really are.  It's also kind of obvious when we look at the names being submitted that we're going through an interesting transition period with females in the League, as many of the top names from years past have gotten pregnant, injured or simply retired since last season.  Robin Makula, Katie Salisbury, Emily Curry, Lindsay Stoddard, none of those girls are playing this session.  And holy shit, that was just the Tight Ends in Motion roster.  Damn, they were stacked.  Margo is gone, Taylor is a part timer / awesome ref, Val is pregnant, Maggie seems to be gone.  It's a whole new era for the TSL and time for new women to step up and fill some pretty big shoes.

 

So here's what we're looking for on our "Greatest Female Players" list:

• Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best female players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
• Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
• They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned her, you won't see her name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

• Brittany Clarke - Cunning Stunts
• Ashton Fiegel - Practice Squad
• Amanda Paolucci - Passed Our Prime
• Emily Schilling - Frodo Swaggins, Cunning Stunts
• Elena Schratz - Passed Our Prime
• Jennifer Stachura - Come From Behind
• Katie Swanson - Spinelli's Plumbing, Lenny's Ladies
• Amy Taylor - The Notorious BNB
• Jackie Ufholz - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Red Zone Mafia

 

And now... your top Twenty Female Players in the TSL:

 

#20: Mackenzie Neary - Eyes Downtown, Blitzkrieg

The only girl in our League to play both D1 and D6 (how good to you have to be in D6 for D1 teams to start recruiting you?) Mackenzie Neary has never dropped a pass in her TSL career.  No, that can't be true, but it feels like it sometimes.  She's also a really solid route runner.

 

#19: Talia Calabro - When Dove Cries, Freeballers

Remember when Talia was just the really fun party girl everyone loved?  Oh she's still that girl, but somewhere along the line she got like 50x better at football, and now she's ripping it up in D2 and D3.  If we had a "Most Improved Player" award, she'd be one of our finalists.

 

#18: Renee Lantz - Practice Squad, Cunning Stunts

Renee "Best Lantz" Lantz always seems to be diving for the ball on offense AND defense.  She must be fairly durable to be flying around so much and not break everything.  Renee plays like her hair is on fire and has great instincts and athleticism.  Every team would be improved with a Renee.

 

#17: Nicole Sharick - Sticky Bandits

Nicole Sharick is an elite pass rusher on defense and one of the fastest girls in the TSL once she reaches her top speed.  She's capable of turning a 5 yard out into a 20 yard run after catch, which makes her especially dangerous when teams try to cover her with another girl.

 

#16: Maddie Norton - Legends, Varsity Has Beens

The former Cobblestone star has emerged from Darryl's Hair's shadow (how many times did we hear "who is THAT girl and why isn't she playing in a higher division?") and is now making a name for herself on the best team in D1, as well as running her own team in D4.  Maddie's a baller.

 

#15: Kelly Liddle - Legends, Cunning Stunts

Oh of course Kelly Liddle was going to be on this list.  She's been playing for like twenty years (sorry Kelly!) but she doesn't look like she's even close to losing a step.  Combine brains with athleticism and speed (and sure, good looks) and this is what you get.  Always a terror to play against.

 

#14: Sam Lattuca - Red Zone Mafia

By far the TSL's all-time female leader in passing touchdowns, Sam has the arm to throw and the vision/decisiveness to always make the RIGHT throw.  Oh, she can do everything else too, tenacious defense, catch passes, whatever you need, but it's her passing abilities that truly separate her from the rest of the League.

 

#13: Cat Peters - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

This All We Do is Quinn legend has gone on to fame as part of the Scared Hitless three-headed dragon that every D2 opponent cries about after they lose.  Cat is fast as hell and often ends up covered by another girl which is a recipe for disaster for that team.  And she's super nice too!

 

#12: Brandy Clarke - Cunning Stunts

If we're underrating one player on this entire list, we are confident it's Brandy Clarke.  She could play with any team in any division and immediately excel, but it's harder to stand out now that she's only on one team and surrounded by other Stunts talent at that.  She MIGHT be the single best defender in our Rankings too (see: #4 on this list for her only competition).  

 

#11: Rachel Parker - Sleezin Szn, Lenny's Ladies

Her teams are a combined 1-6 right now but don't blame that on Rachel Parker.  She's still a bad-ass who demands male coverage or she'll absolutely torch your team (and she'll probably torch it even covered by a guy).  Speed, route running and hands, she's the total package.

 

#10: Misty Himes - Zack Attack, Lenny's Ladies

There's speed and there's speed.  Looking at our Top Twenty here there's maybe ONE girl who's truly "faster" than Misty Himes?  It changes the way teams play defense when they have to account for speed like hers.  How does Zack Attack not average 40 PPG when they can just dump it off to Misty and watch her run?

 

#9: Laura Streeter - Sticky Bandits, Itches and Ohs

Laura Streeter is one of the most well-rounded players in the League.  Speed and hands on offense, aggressive and smart on defense, AND the stamina to go both ways all day for two teams.  She's a big part of why the Sticky Bandits are suddenly competitive in D1, and we're pretty sure she's at least 60% of the reason Itches and Ohs won D4 last session.

 

#8: Amber Hay - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Legends

If Talia doesn't win our fictional "Most Improved Player Award", it's because it went to Amber.  Remember when she wasn't THAT good a couple sessions ago?  Well she's picked up a few tricks since.  The speed was always there, but better hands and route running and defense and general play-making have made Amber a real asset to her teams.

 

#7: Cheryl Julicher - When Dove Cries

This is what we wrote last year: "Cheryl may go down as the GOAT whenever she retires (does she ride off into the sunset with Public Enemy?), and she has been the standard for years on what a top female can be in this League.  Her speed isn't elite, but she has great hands, she's tough as nails, gets open, and always makes the play that needs to be made."  All still true, except she's downgraded from Chris Cole to Topper at QB!

 

#6: Rachel Grampp - Eyes Downtown, Freeballers

Bobby's best weapon in D1 and Dylan's best weapon in D3, Rachel is just a great athlete and seems to thrive at everything on the football field.  With the game on the line and down by 8 points, she's the one her quarterbacks will be looking to for the big play.  

 

#5: Heather Cepuchowski - Legends

Heather is the highest ranked Public Enemy girl??  How about that.  She's really thriving this season on Legends and has been their best girl so far.  Heather always knows how to get open short or deep, and always seems to make a play on the ball.  There was a lot of debate about the ranking of the #6-#20 spots (and honorable mentions) but Heather (and the girl directly above her) made nearly everyone on our Committee's ballot in their Top Five.

 

#4: Jaimie Warren - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

Jaimie is elite in just about every aspect of the game (though we're not sure we've ever seen her rush the passer; presumably she'd be great at that too).  Route running and hands are A+ caliber and she's constantly nominated for "Best Defender" awards at our banquets for a reason.  Scared Hitless, we hope you know how lucky you are to have three of the top 13 girls in the League.

 

#3: Katie Keller - DILFS, 4th & Something

Now we get to the Top Three.  Every single one of our Committee members that submitted ballots had the exact same Top Three, though in slightly different orders.  In other words, no one ranked Katie Keller lower than 3rd best in the TSL.  She isn't the fastest girl in the League (we'll get to her next!) but her playmaking ability and instincts make the pride of the Keller clan (sorry Scotty) a threat on every play.  

 

#2: Caitlyn Mason - Buffalo Vice, Lenny's Ladies

Caitlyn is the fastest girl in the League.  Top speed and quickness are two different concepts we realize, but Caitlyn might be the best at both.  How many times have we seen her take routine catches and turn them into massive gains by juking around the entire defense?  It's almost unfair to the rest of us.  It's impossible to imagine another girl covering Caitlyn with any success.  Oh and she's great on defense too.

 

#1: Melanie Linsmair - Scared Hitless, Untouchaballs

Melanie Linsmair is the best female athlete in the TSL.  We ranked her third last year and said "you may not be aware of her yet.  You'll learn the name soon, we promise."  By now you must know who she is.  Teams KNOW the ball is coming to her and they still can't stop it.  Speed and toughness and hands and toughness (which we know we just said twice).  If you've played against her, you understand why she's #1.  She's also young and just seems to be getting started.  The future is bright.  

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Female Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("Amber is way too high!  Kelly is way too low!  How is Katie Swanson just an honorable mention?!") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on the next set of rankings!  Next week we'll be looking at the Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a male player that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

• May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
• June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
• June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  that random girl who caught a touchdown once on your team isn't in our Top Females list?  graphs remind you of how dumb you felt in high school?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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