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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, only THREE (3) weeks of regular season TSL football remain until the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality begins its elimination rounds. (That’s the playoffs, for anyone that’s confused.) At this point in the season, now that teams have played at least half of their schedules, we’ve come to the point where we pretty much know what teams are this season. And for the four teams that have only played 4 games so far this season, we kind of know what they are anyway - Sticky Bandits have been the same for years, Back That Pass Up needs a bunch of work, Cle-Avengers Assemble have too much talent to not figure it out, and Travis Henry’s Kids….well, okay, we know what three of the four are for sure. 

 

The point is, teams have rounded into form this season, and we shouldn’t have any perceived “GOOD” and “NOT GOOD” teams magically switch their designations over the next three weeks. Right? Wrong. This is the TSL where everything is made up and the regular season doesn’t matter. Today’s “NOT GOOD” team is tomorrow’s 7 seed upset over a “sure thing”, Today’s “GOOD” team can start 6-0 before going 6-3 and losing in the first round of the playoffs (as the collective butt holes of Can’t Touch This and the Cunning Stunts pucker up, nervous this could be them). 

 

Hell, the arguably top “GOOD” team, the Legends, haven’t even started their three time defending champion, Joey Batts, at QB once this season. They can get even better. Sorry D1. So yeah, maybe you’re sitting on a “NOT GOOD” team right now - perhaps you’re Not That Sticky, or you’re a 716er, or you’ve lost your Swaggins, or your Squad needs some Practice, or your signing of Boccio is going about as well as when the Bills signed Terrell Owens - but that doesn’t mean all is lost. You still have time to get it together, it’s just going to take some work. 

 

Remember once again, Today’s “NOT GOOD” teams are October’s biggest storylines. 

GOOD NOT BAD

 

 

• Eyes Downtown finally beat the Legends!

• The Freeballers are finally beating the hell out of opponents instead of each other.

• Untouchaballs are still awesome, D2 playoffs looking to rock.

• Vaspian is on top of D3 and it isn’t a Topper Typo. I think. 

• The Family is absolutely slaughtering D3, looking to jump to D1 asap. 

• Travis Henry’s Kids might be good finally? 

• Passing While Intoxicated continues to rally after weak start

• Father Baker wins! 

• Creekers still awesome, claim they didn’t even play last season

• 6 of 8 teams over .500 in D5, bloodbath on the way

• Balls Deep beats the McMuffins, claims the Croissan’wich is the superior breakfast food

• Two Tuddies figured out football again

 

 

NOT GOOD NOT BAD

 

• Sticky Bandits find themselves in the middle of everything in D1, only 2-2

• Jordan Lawson teams combined 4-6, but people enjoy playing for him so it's fine

• Practice Squad wins in D2, finally! 

• The Malones continue to win, but might be jerks, more info needed

• Puckett continues to compete, but are no longer the supercharged team of the past

• Blitzkrieg goes 1-1 without half their team, still treading water in D6

 

BAD NOT GOOD

 

 

• Frodo Swaggins hasn’t played in weeks, league fears they folded

• BAADies hasn’t played in weeks, league fears they folded

• Can’t Touch This gets humbled, finally loses

• Bullet Club, Let’s Get Reccked, Wanderers proceed to go 0-5 last week

• ILF goes 0-2, gets slapped around by D4 contenders, Becca to blame

• Not So Sticky loses to Cobblestone who allegedly only played with 4 people

• Again, NSS lost to a team with 4 people

• Just Get Open bad again, meaning they’ll win the next 2 by large margins

 

And with that, let’s get into this week’s games. 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Legends 31, Sticky Bandits 30

Eyes Downtown 27, Legends 13

 

A boring day of D1 action. Andy Smigiera (the guy who killed TEIM and started the free agent frenzy this offseason) gets to throw for Legends this week and could only muster a 1 point win over Sticky and a loss to Eyes Downtown, putting him firmly in 5th place on the Legends QB Rankings. The Top 5, in order, are: Sean, Joey, Maddie, Travis, Andy for those curious. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Sticky Bandits vs Frodo Swaggins (+8) - Sticky is 2-2 but it’s not like they’re playing bad at all. A bit of the forgotten D1 team, they’re getting a Frodo squad that hasn’t played in a minute. Good timing. STICKY BANDITS BY 13

 

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (+6) - I know Sticky is feeling disrespected a bit, but it’s become a bit of a “prove it first” thing here. The 2 wins are against Frodo and Losing Streak. They need a win over Legends or ED to be taken seriously. They’ll still be looking for it. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 7

 

Legends vs Losing Streak (+8) - Losing Streak feels like they haven’t played in forever, but it's only been two weeks. I know Jordan has been watching game tape of the first five games like a hawk, and now it's time to start implementing the necessary adjustments. I don’t know who will be the QB for the Legends, but they’re really just out to have fun all regular season and then do their thing in the playoffs. I can’t imagine they lose two in a row though. LEGENDS BY 6

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Practice Squad 30, THREAD 29

The Untouchaballs 33, Scared Hitless 28

Freeballers 52, Cle-Avengers Assemble 23

Can’t Touch This 25, Scared Hitless 22

Freeballers 58, Can’t Touch This 18

 

PRACTICE SQUAD WINS! That’s all that needs to really be said here. They worked hard, and they got a victory, finally. The Untouchaballs are the usual, winning games. Scared Hitless went 0-2, but they really showed up in both of their games against UT and CTT. Speaking of Can’t Touch This, they’ve been touched. Freeballers embarrassed them by 40 points and for the first time all season, they looked like a D3 team that just moved up. The Freeballers also beat the defending D2 champs (even if they’re a mostly different roster) by 30 to stake that claim at a D2 title contender. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Practice Squad vs Cle-Avengers Assemble (EVEN) - Two teams on semi-even footing here. They’re a combined 2-7, and both aren’t exactly having the seasons they envisioned. PS has to be energized - they got a win and from what I’m hearing they have really cool new jerseys. Those are things to be happy about. Cle-Ass is on the struggle bus a bit, but they also haven’t played a ton, which is all Travis’ fault. Look for the Avengers to assemble. Cle-Avengers Assemble by 1

 

Can’t Touch This vs THREAD (+7) - CTT got smacked around last week, but it was bound to happen. They were outperforming their metrics and they couldn’t have possibly been THAT good, right? THREAD, meanwhile, is underperforming. The loss to PS last week on the last play of the game stung, but it may have been the wake up call they needed. They’ve had two one point losses already this season and could EASILY be 4-2 and the talk of the town. After all of the publicity CTT has gotten all year, and too many mentions of “rust” on THREAD, they show up and remind everyone just who they are. THREAD BY 8

 

Mavericks vs Cle-Avengers Assemble (+4) - The Mavericks got a bye week at the right time, as they were the victims of the Freeballers “coming out” party. A week off to rest and reset is probably just what the doctor ordered. This team has too many talented (and tall) people, and they’re communicating on defense much better than before. Look for things to have been cleaned up here. MAVERICKS BY 3

 

Mavericks vs Practice Squad (+10) - Same thing here. Mavs are just too talented for PS. MAVERICKS BY 8

 

Freeballers vs Scared Hitless (+10) - There is currently no stopping the Freeballers it seems. I don’t know how this happened. The Freeballers have been so up and down and down some more over the years that I don’t know what to think anymore. Every single time in the past that they’ve gotten me to believe in them, they go out and lay a giant egg. They’re the ex-boyfriend who SWEARS they’ve changed and then before you know it they’re texting “Domino’s” at 3am for some reason. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to be hurt again. FREEBALLERS BY 18

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Keller Whales 30, Bullet Club 19

Vaspian 39, Bullet Club 29

The Malones 47, Let’s Get Reccked 31

Vaspian 40, Wanderers 33

The Family 62, Let’s Get Reccked 28

The Malones 27, 716 23

 

The Keller Whales continue to be a very solid team that plays smart football, and they got the better of Bullet Club last week. BC proceeded to follow that up with a loss to Vaspian, making them 0-2 on the day with Langley at QB. (This fulfills my contractual agreement with Topper to poke at Langley at least once an article.) More importantly, VASPIAN I SEE YOU. Vaspian dropped 79 points in games against BC and Wanderers and they sit atop the D3 standings. That’s exciting. The Family put up massive points yet again, dropping 62 on LGR who would also lose to The Malones earlier in the day. The Malones went 2 for 2 on the day, winning against 716 as well. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Keller Whales vs Bullet Club (+7) - A rematch from last week is on the docket in D3, after a decent game last week by both teams. We’ll see if Bullet Club learned anything from last week’s loss. Probably not. KELLER WHALES BY 2

 

Vaspian vs 716 (+7) - Vaspian is on top of the world and the second hottest team in D3 (Sorry, Vaspian, The Family is just on fire). They get a 716 team that is stuck at the bottom of the D3 standings, as they struggle to make the one or two more plays they need on either side of the ball to get another win or two. They’ll compete again, but right now it's just Vaspian’s world. VASPIAN BY 3

 

The Family vs Wanderers (+10) - Imagine my surprise when I opened the TSL betting lines email (I don’t make the lines, I’ve told you that for years) and I see the Wanderers a double digit underdog. That’s crazy to think, but right now they’re going through the toughest stretch they’ve ever had as a 40 year old franchise, and they’re getting a RED HOT Family that’s chock full of weapons. The Family continues to run through D3. THE FAMILY BY 13

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Travis Henry’s Kids 31, Buffalo Vice 29

Father Baker 58, TMA 28

Passing While Intoxicated 64, Father Baker 44

Buffalo Vice 37, ILF 8

Travis Henry’s Kids 42, ILF 24

Passing While Intoxicated 43, Puckett All-Stars 30

 

THK finally plays some games this season, and they walk away with two impressive wins over Buffalo Vice and ILF. Vice would later go on to also beat ILF, making them 0-2 on the day. Father Baker gets their first win, and it comes at the expense of TMA. The newest gender team in the TSL would NOT get win #2 as PWI would put up a lot of points (64) to beat them, before dropping another 43 on PAS. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Buffalo Vice vs Father Baker (+13) - This matchup just isn’t great for Father Baker. The ladies are still struggling with defense and now they’re getting Buffalo Vice who can score like the dickens. Andy loves throwing deep. We say it every game, because it holds true. And in this matchup? He might do it literally every play. BUFFALO VICE BY 20

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs TMA (+12) - THK has been rolling, and TMA has been, well, not. They’re not playing THAT bad, but I’m sure it feels like they’re letting each other down. That’s not the case as they’ve been in most of their games and it’s just gotten away from them at the end. For this game, they should just have Boccio man Pistol Pete, and force Langley to have to use someone else. I’m not sure it’ll work, but hey, it’s worth a shot. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 3

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Buffalo Vice (EVEN) - A rematch of last week’s barnburner is something everyone should want to see. Vice is looking for revenge after last week’s two point loss, and I’m sure they’ve learned a thing or two from a week ago. THK is going to continue to stick to the plan that worked from last week, and we’ll have another good game on our hands. Vice gets the win back. BUFFALO VICE BY 2

Passing While Intoxicated vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+7) - I want to make it known that every single week I hate writing D4. The team names are too damn long (shout out to TMA) and I’m strongly considering shortening everyone’s name every time. PWI, ILF, THK, PAS, you’re all on notice. Anyway, PWI has found their groove. The offense is humming along, scoring 48.7 points in the last three weeks. ILF, to their credit, has arguably the best defense in the league, and should slow them down. The problem? They can’t score. 27 points per game isn’t the greatest, and in this game, they’re going to need at least 30. PWI BY 8

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Creekers 28, Spinelli’s Plumbing 23

Cobblestone 56, Not So Sticky 40

GUCCI 37, Cobblestone 20

Spinelli’s Plumbing 58, Come From Behind 57

 

The Creekers continue to impress, slowing down the Spinelli’s offense and taking another big win. Spinelli’s would respond by beating CFB in a crazy high scoring game, with 115 points between the two teams in a 1 point win. Cobblestone apparently played with 4 people, and beat NSS anyway, but would go on to lose to GUCCI after that. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Come From Behind vs Goatsack! (+8) - CFB continues to keep churning out good seasons. Even at 4-2, the two losses were the 1 point loss to Spinelli’s and an 8 point loss to Creekers. They could easily be 6-0 if two plays went differently. They have a full roster mixed with youth and, um, experience. They’ll continue to compete as long as Paul’s arm stays attached. Goatsack is enjoying a nice second season in the TSL, but they still struggle against the top teams in the division. A win here would be huge for them. Would be. COME FROM BEHIND BY 10

 

Come From Behind vs Cobblestone (+10) - CFB beat Cobblestone by 8 earlier in the year and I can’t fathom a way they lose this one. Cobblestone has struggled with their roster for two decades, so it isn’t surprising that A: they only had four people last week and B: they won a game anyway. The talent is there, Darryl is a magician, but they always struggle with CFB. COME FROM BEHIND BY 9

 

Creekers vs BAADies (+8) - The BAADies just started to get into a nice flow before they took off the last two weeks and ruined whatever mojo they had going. Their reward is getting to play the red hot Creekers, who have relied on a suffocating defense to run D5. It’ll be interesting to see how the Creekers deal with the talented ladies of the BAADies. My prediction? Creekers win on a late INT because Garrett is washed up. CREEKERS BY 4

 

GUCCI vs Not So Sticky (+14) - NSS has too many great football minds to really be this bad/unlucky. I was listening to the TSL podcast yesterday, and Mike Thomas said it best for them (I’m paraphrasing here): essentially, NSS is a tweener team. Too good for D6, and not good enough for D5. Unfortunately, we don’t have a D5.5, so they get stuck in limbo, but this is also the team that upsets CFB in the playoffs, so maybe they’re just playing possum. GUCCI isn’t in that boat. They’re a damn good D5 team, and after some rocky weeks, they’re back on track. GUCCI BY 13

 

GUCCI vs BAADies (+8) - A rematch from Week 1 that GUCCI won 44-16. The BAADies have indeed improved since then, but GUCCI is still quite good, BAADies haven’t played much lately, and GUCCI takes away the BAADies’ gender team advantage by also getting 8 points a TD. GUCCI BY 14

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Balls Deep 33, Sausage McMuffins 16

Two Tuddies 22, Just Get Open 8

Mighty Drunks 54, Blitzkrieg 15

Blitzkrieg 49, Pit Harade 36

 

I give up on trying to figure out who is good and who isn’t in D6. Anyone can win. Balls Deep knocks off the McMuffins to retake control over 1st place in the division. Two Tuddies continue to be back on track, putting up another victory over Just Get Open, who continues to be a “yo-yo” team, going up and down every other week. The Mighty Drunks followed up being terrible for a few games by being awesome again in a win over Fall Blitzkrieg, and then FB went out and beat Pit Harade right after. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Balls Deep vs Just Get Open (+6) - Based on how the seasons have gone for these two teams, Balls Deep gets to 1st overall and blows it, and then Just Get Open looks terrible and then stomps someone. Here we go again. I’ll just play the trends. JUST GET OPEN BY 10

 

Pit Harade vs Back That Pass Up (+10) - PH has found their groove on offense with Gordon throwing for them, constantly using Tall Guy and Fast Guy to abuse matchups. PH still has some defensive issues to worry about, but BTPU has issues all over the place that they still need to overcome. PIT HARADE BY 13

 

Two Tuddies vs Fall Blitzkrieg (+6) - FBK was allegedly missing a lot of players last week, including the most important player in Light Red Hoodie Guy. If they’re going to be taken seriously as D6 contenders, this is a big game for them. The Tud Buds have shaken off the rough start to remind everyone in D6 just who they are and why they were considered for D5 in the offseason. They’re starting to play at their very high level again, which could be bad for everyone else. TWO TUDDIES BY 12

 

Sausage McMuffins vs Pit Harade (+10) - The McMuffins suffered their first loss of the season against Balls Deep, but word is they were short handed for that contest anyway. They’ll be looking to get back on track against a not too bad Pit Harade team, who are starting to come along, but they’re not quite on the McMuffins’ level yet. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 16

 

Sausage McMuffins vs Mighty Drunks (EVEN) - I don’t know which version of the Drunks we’ll be getting this week. The one that has the dynamite offense or the one that struggles everywhere. The McMuffins are nothing if not consistent. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 7

 

Two Tuddies vs Back That Pass Up (+17) - Based on how both teams are playing, and that the Tuddies want revenge for being the only team to ever lose to BTPU, this game might be a bloodbath that children shouldn’t watch. TWO TUDDIES BY 20

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• Are the Freeballers actually for real? I don’t know. I want to say yes. Hogan gives them the right kind of psychopath that fits in with them and they have immediate chemistry. I want to say yes, as scary as that is. 

 

 

 

• Are the Legends just playing with the rest of the league at this point? I don’t think so. I know they’re having fun and rotating QBs, but I believe that’s out of necessity more than anything. The whispers that they wanted to replace Joey at QB have been there for a while, even if team management denies them. Perhaps they’re just looking for the best contingency plan in case Joey gets hurt? 

 

 

 

• Which division has become the most interesting? D2 is fun at the top, but I’m going to say it’s D5. I’m just as surprised as you are. After a few seasons of only having 2-3 “contenders”, D5 has 6 teams over .500 and the 6th place team, Spinelli’s Plumbing, just beat the 2nd place CFB 58-57. All Top 6 teams have over 200 points scored on the season except for the 1st place Creekers who have 191, but they have a significantly better defense than the others. Add in that Cobblestone and Not So Sticky are still more than capable of pulling off playoff upsets, and I have NO idea what’ll happen in this one. 

 

 

 

• So then, which division is the most boring? Every division has its own intrigue, and I won’t say any of them are “boring”, but D1 is just kind of blah. It got a bit interesting with more teams last season, but right now it just feels like we’re on the crash course of Eyes Downtown vs Legends in the final, after Losing Streak and Sticky give them good games in Round 1. 

 

 

 

• How has Breakfast Club been? It’s kind of going according to plan. The games are close, but BC has been mostly chalk based off the draft. Becca/Ashley’s team is very good, Steph/Misty and Mackenzie’s teams have been good but not perfect, and Jenna’s team leaves a bit to be desired. What’s more interesting is how the thought of only four teams with larger rosters would alleviate the issues that arise with teams needing 9am subs more often than not. However it seems like EVERYONE keeps showing up. BC is better with at least 6 teams, so hopefully in the Spring we get back to where we should be. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• Has anything been more clutch this season than the weather? I know global warming is considered a bad thing, but it’s been nothing but good for the league. My Weather Channel app says you’re looking at 72 degrees, but cloudy this week. It’s late September. Be grateful. 

 

 

 

• The bar “special” this week is that Woodcock Bros is going to be at the bar from 2-4pm with two kegs to give out samples. Joe K put out the challenge on the podcast to all of the TSL: Get those kegs empty. Good luck to you. 

 

 

 

• Three teams that need a win: Losing Streak, TMA, THREAD

 

 

 

• Games of the Day: 

• 10:00 - Come From Behind vs Goatsack!

• 11:00 - Bullet Club vs Keller Whales

• 12:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Travis Henry’s Kids

• 1:00 - ILF vs PWI

• 2:00 - Mighty Drunks vs Sausage McMuffins

• 3:00 - The Family vs Wanderers

• Breakfast Club Predictions:

• BDD 37, The Dirty Dozen 28

• Steph’s Mistyrious Infection 42, Blach-ur-anus 22

 

 

 

• I’m interested to see how both Frodo and the BAADies do after taking two weeks off. I guess I’m just interested to see how Garrett throws now that he’s had his darkness retreat or whatever he was on. If he’s rusty just as he was starting to improve, it’s going to be a long three weeks for them. 

 

 

 

• Will the real Balls Deep please stand up? No team has played up or down to their competition more than they have this season. 

 

 

 

• Again, Friday December 8th is the TSL Banquet. Save the date. 

 

 

 

• After hearing Mike Thomas on the TSL podcast this week, it’s still amazing that he’s never won nicest person in the league. That should change asap. 

 

 

 

• Word is Topper made an appearance at the fields this week, proving he’s not dead, AND he’s talking about his return to playing. Players are lining up to get onto his next team. The only issue, of course, is that it’s all guys and the girls are staying far, far away. Typical. 

 

-GF OUT

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