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"We keep trying to go...but they just won't let us leave"

-Anonymous

If you are reading this that can only mean one thing......Topper Sports League is once again about to begin.  It has been a long and very cold winter. Spring has sprung and with it brings nicer weather and hope for the future. On April 21st in the year of our Lord 2018 (56) teams will once again begin the chase towards social co ed football immortality. As usual there are more questions than answers right now: 

•  How will Tight Ends in Motion and Angry Buffalo fare now that they both are on the main stage as they both have made it to "the show"?
• What will Joey Batts do for an encore? If he wins back to back MVP will his mic be cut during his multiple acceptance speeches?
• Will Matty Ice and Gordon finally hug it out or is a bitter rivalry more bitter than Jacob VS Edward about to ensue?
• Rumors swirl that Team Topper and Bullet Club stacked their rosters and should be in an 8 team D2 rather than a 10 team D3, will the fact that these 2 are going to be hooking up in the D3 final be nothing more than a mere formality?
• How happy is the Purge to be back hiding out in a watered down D2?
• Did the Bambs (already with Mark Antecki on the roster) seriously ask TSL to add Steve Patterson to their roster as well? Speaking of hiding out what are the Bambs doing in D5?
• Will B's Brother have his suspension lifted? More importantly does anyone really care?
• Is Jeff Easton about to come out of no where and be a finalist for The Darryl Carr QB Superstar QB of the year award?
• Not if but when Shari and Emily fight for all the marbles who will indeed win this epic battle for female superiority the alpha blonde or the alpha brunette?
• Will Katie Keller realize her dream and become TSL's "next big thing?" Will 40 yr plan guy cry if she does and marries someone not named 40 yr plan guy?
• ACE may be gone but could a fierce rivalry be looming between Matty's Angels and Cunning Stunts? Am I the only that just realized Cunning Stunts is a cute play on words? OMG remember Sofa King Suite? Remember II: It wasn't a sofa store.....
• How will Public Enemy and more importantly the TSL survive without (2) of this league's more recognizable stars in both Boccio and Big Paulie?
• What the hell was the Klecky guy thinking when he tried to steal Bro's thunder? Hootie and the Bro Fish was sooooooo the right way to go!!!!
• So Angry Buffalo was in D1 then moved to D2 only to be moved back up to D1. I for one would really have liked to have seen Jay's face every step of the way. Will he be happy or sad week #1? No one will be happier to see Angry Buffalo in D1 than me and maybe Lenny and Tight Ends in Motion and Cory Turner but definitely not Lisa.  
• How fun will it be when TEIM and Public Enemy have at it this year? There are still alot of "irked feelings" over some comments made one sunny summer day by one Tommy Emerson Hughes. I am hearing TEIM has this game circled on their calendars.
• How will  New Gods Marketing Mayors II turn out? There are still some "grumblings" from both camps about the other. And what about Pete? Last year it was Mcgrath this and McGrath that . Now rumors are swirling Cody Williams has joined the fun. I'll ask it again WHAT ABOUT PETE?
• Is now finally the time for No Punt Intended? They have quietly gotten better and better each season. Their time could be now.
• Will the Practice Squad vs Dark Knights game be a friendly match or the beginning of a fierce rivalry in D6? Has Binder Girl returned?
• Will Paul be back and if he does return and win the D5 title for Come from Behind will this be it for him?
• ACE is done but Ronny K is not. Will playing this year force Ronny K to circle the wagons and bring ACE back for one more run in the fall? Will he demand to play Matty's Angels on Field #1 in Week #1 when he does? 
• Is this finally the season brother Nero escapes the shadow of one of the greatest TSLers of them all? Brother Nero could be in store for a big year. Will his brother let him steal the spotlight though?
• And probably the most important question of them all.....how is Darryl Carr QB Superstar doing right now? Easily our greatest, best and most easily recognizable star in this league what awesomeness does Darryl have planned this season?

Now is the time I usually go through the games but week #1 is a crap shoot. There are too many new teams, players switching etc etc. I will handicap the divisions and week #2 I will go back to handicapping games once we get a good look at week #1 action.

DIVISION #1

MARKETING MAYORS  3-2

EYES DOWNTOWN  3-1

PUBLIC ENEMY  5-1

NEW GODS  6-1

RACKS AND SACKS 8-1

#XTC     10-1

TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION  15-1

ANGRY BUFFALO   20-1

THE SKINNY: Mayors are easily the best team in this division. Mark Dalphonso has arrived, Cory Turner could be the best offensive mind in the game today and Delecki/Smith is about as good a duo as there is in this game. MM will be one tough team to beat in this division. ED should still be in the mix but they must find a way to beat Mayors. What they have done to date has not worked its time for change. PE is always in the mix but right now there is a dark cloud around them. Boccio is gone due to injury, Big Paulie is on sabbatical and no one knows if/when Cheryl makes her triumphant return. The question I would ask is who is going to step in for the Bocc? Will #XTC ever find a QB?  They are a solid team that is stacked but they just need a QB, will they find him? Rumors are swirling Cody Williams will be joining New Gods. Will someone be leaving or will Cody  be another member of an already large size squad? New Gods had a tremendous first session. I for one would like to see if McGrath takes the next step towards becoming a top 5 player in this game this session. Alex of TEIM will be under the microscope this session. The knock on him is his arm strength. He has not seen the speed and range the D1 defenders he will face this session has. Each team he faces will have a minimum of 2 studs on defense. Alex will need to be very smart and not throw lollipops or TEIM will struggle out of the gate. TEIM is very skilled it all begins and ends at QB for them. AB has the gun slinger and they have size but can their girls keep up in D1? We will find out very quickly. 

DIVISION #2

THE PURGE   2-1

NWO    3-1

THE REPLACEMENTS   4-1

GRYYFINDOR    5-1

HOOTIE AND THE BRO FISH   6-1

DMX  7-1

THE SKINNY: This division has only 6 teams but it should be bedlam each and every week. The Purge has easily the best girls in the division. They have talent but each week their fate depends on Taylor "feast or famine" Seketuski. When he's hot look out but when hes cold he's frigid. Replacements are very talented and boast the best player in the division. The question with them begins and ends at QB. Will their QB hold up?  NWO had a very solid fall session. They have good balance and very under rated females. I said it earlier but Brother Nero has things setting up nicely for a big year. DMX struggled in the fall but I think they will fit in just fine in this revamped D2. Call it a hunch but I expect big things from BRO this session,. He is the new people's champion, he is poised, he is skilled, he is well spoken, he is a man among a men, a beacon of light in an other wise dreary day and most importantly he is obviously the best brother. He is Joey Batts in this example. Bro will lead the Bro Fish into a great era of success. He will take his whole team and throw them upon his shoulders and will them to victory. They then will tell stories 10 nay 20 nay 100 years from now about Bro and his skill and how he did so much more for his team than his brother.   When they are done they will all high tail it into the bar (except Mary Poppins she will go home early) and they will win there too. The era of crush has ended the era of Hootie and his Bro Fish has begun. Incidentally the top 3 finalists for team name before  HATBF were (in no particular order) Beverly Hills 9021Bro, The Young and the Bro Less and Coming to Bromerica. I forgot to mention Joey Batts is great , easily the 2nd best player, person and humanitarian in this division and every other. I for one am a better person for just knowing him. Thank you that is all. 

DIVISION #3

1 TOPPER TOO MANY  3-2

BULLET CLUB         2-1

A&A 6-1

STICKY BANDITS 7-1

COBBLESTONE 10-1

CINTAS 12-1

MIXX 12-1

RYAN PUCKETT ALL STARS 15-1

SLYTHERIN IN THE END ZONE 25-1

MORNING WOOD 50-1

THE SKINNY: There are rumors swirling that 1TTM and Bullet Club have started an arms race now in D3. Many claim both squads should be in D2 and their battle for the D3 title is nothing more than a mere formality. A&A is right where they want to be. They are sitting at 6-1 but they are battle tested, have solid girls, a great QB and one of the best players in the division. I am hearing quiet rumbles that Casey Oliphant could be ready to take the next step towards female super stardom.When you talk about poster child for how to do things right look no further than the Sticky Nation. Solid team: Check. Fun team: Check. Good people: Check. This league is a better place due to teams like Sticky Bandits.  It is now time to talk about the human highlight reel the best player in TSL history. A leader and man of such great character there are awards named after him. The dosecki's guy doesn't have shit on him. He's awesome , hes intelligent, he is better looking and just plain better than everyone else though he hardly ever tries. And lets be honest male or female name me one TSL'er with better hair? Yeah I didn't think you could either. His name is Darryl Carr QB Superstar and on April 21st in the year of our Lord 2018 he will grab his magical football and throw spirals that you swear will enter the beautiful Spring sky and bring you back to times of your child hood when things were so much easier and so much different. Cinta's is a Joey Batts project. Joey Batts is awesome so this team should be interesting. I have no clue what SITE or Morning Wood will bring to the table. MW has struggled in D3 before and right now SITE holds the record for weirdest team name. If SITE is Morgasm making her triumphant return wrapped in a 30' python I'm leaving TSL. RPAS keep getting put in a division and they keep winning titles. Kudos to them for making the jump to hyper space. RPAS are solid top to bottom and should be able to compete. Mixx is a mongrel team of JZ, Nick, Tammy and I think Justin Martial Law Garbacz. Mixx should easily be in the running for one of the funnest teams in the TSL. I am hearing rumors MIXX signed a lighting fast girl that no one has ever heard of...till now.  So let me get this straight Bullet Club already one of the better teams in D3 replaced 2 good guys who never show up with 2 good guys that always show up.  RIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTT. I'm hearing rumors the Topper was none too happy with last seasons effort and has literally replaced people and signed everyone he could as he has marked this season on his calendar with a big red X. It's title or bust for the Topper. With his arm strength already eroding and his mind surely to follow the clock is ticking for poor Topper. This might be his best and final look at the D3 trophy. 

DIVISION #4

NO PUNT INTENDED 5-1

UNCLE RICO'S TIME TRAVELERS 6-1

FULL THROTTLE 7-1

HK4 8-1

SHREDDERS 10-1

AXA 12-1

3RD AND SCHLONG 13-1

AARP 15-1

INDECENT EXPOSURE 16-1

BREW CREW 50-1

THE SKINNY: I still am waiting for Katie Keller to bust out of her shell and become "the next big thing" in the TSL. Girl has everything you are looking for. She is a great athlete, she is well spoken and has great sentence structure, she is a walking soap opera and she is poised for big things both on and off the field. Once Katie fulfills her destiny and becomes this leagues next big star how will 40 yr plan guy react? Will he be happy for her or will his love for her grow even stronger? This is one storyline I will be watching closely. NPI has been doing things the right way for a few sessions now. They are ever improving both on and off the field. I saw them at the bar more than once last session. They continue to improve and could easily be this sessions D4 title holder. Uncle Rico crushed D5 and now sets their sights on D4. They are a very balanced team that could easily make some noise this session.  Full Throttle is back and that's a good thing. They were a solid team that just was missing one speedster. If they find one fast guy they could easily be in the hunt come playoff time.  HK4 and Shredders return. Both teams are loaded top to bottom. Both have very decent female -players. Both can be also beat on defense so they must make tightening up the D priority #1 this season. AARP returns yay. Indecent Exposure was a very solid team that was befuddled by injury it will be interesting to see how they do assuming all their horses have returned. Brew Crew struggled if memory serves me right so I think they will struggle again. 3rd and Schlong is one of my favorite teams. Team Keller is awesome both on and off the field. One must think they are very sad as long time friends and punching bags Hometech have moved down 2 divisions. I don't know what to expect from AXA all I know is it is a fun team that will have Cody Williams debuting as a QB.  

DIVISION #5

THE BAMBS 2-1

COME FROM BEHIND 4-1

HUNG BUFFALO 5-1 

ALL WE DO IS QWINN 6-1

WITTERS 7-1

HOPE N RUIN 8-1

MATTY'S ANGELS 9-1

CUNNING STUNTS 9-1

TOMMY HUGHES EXPERIENCE 10-1

UFO 15-1

VANDELAY INDUSTRIES 25-1

PASSLESS CHAPS 40-1

THE SKINNY: I think this is the division to be in it has everything you are looking for. D5 has both gender teams which naturally makes us think instant rivalry. D5 has Tommy Hughes which is a walking sop opera. CFB is the likable old vet team. The Bambs seemed to have sold their souls for one more shot at D5 glory. AWDIQ started off a few seasons ago with so much fan fare but their light is not shining as bright as in the past. HNR is always a solid stable team on both sides of the ball. UFO is taking a big gamble going from D6 finalist to a small fish in a big pond. They could struggle early out of the gate as this division is loaded top to bottom. I still don't know what to expect from Witter's but I do know they do have some talent on both sides of the ball. Hung Buffalo will once again bring their unique "attitude" with them both on and off the field. HB is one tough out and a tough team both literally and figuratively speaking. Its a shame ACE is gone as I so wanted to see ACE V Angels one more time. Vandalay Industries is a make shift team of the Topper, the prophet the most honorable Dave Walter and former ACE skipper Ronny K. This division has literally everything you could want and more. It has great teams, great story lines, walking soap operas and turmoil around every corner. D5 from week to week should be the place to be this session. I need to be honest I haven't a clue who is on nor do I know one thing about Passless Chaps.

DIVISION #6

HOME TECH 3-1 

DARK KNIGHTS 5-1

CELINO SEWER RATS 6-1

PRACTICE SQUAD 7-1

THE MCKENZIE AGENCY 8-1

DILLY DILLY 10-1

TIGHT END ZONES 10-1

JABRONIES 10-1

NICE TDS 10-1

COLLEGIATE BUILDERS 100000000-1

THE SKINNY: I only know one thing in D6 I must meet girl on crack. OK I know 2 things the other is Collegiate Builders usually struggle and I expect nothing less this season. New teams usually either are way too good for D6 or are a walking train wreck in season #1. We have some newbs so anything is possible. Dark Knights has returned but I must ask the question has Binder Girl returned with them? They have the potential to be a very solid team this session. Hometech got crushed D4 and has decided to move down to D6. Hometech should be the odds on favorite to win this thing. The McKenzie Agency is easily one of this leagues favorite teams they have the likable Ferger, the lovable Brent and the villain in Prim. They also have one of D6's most under rated players in Ron Weber. Practice Squad shocked many when they went from terrible team to a D6 semi finalist the next year. Practice Quad V Dark Knights should be a bitter rivalry in this division. It is nice to see Nice TDS return. Will the Tammy's soon follow?  CSR is back and is always in the hunt. There are alot of newbs I know little to nothing about. Anyone of these teams could shock or could be a hot mess by week #9. If Hometech does in fact win the D6 title will 3rd and Schlong immediately show up out of no where and challenge them to a game in the parking lot for said title?

5 QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

1. Now that it appears they have stacked their roster, if the Bambs do not win the D5 title  will Parrish just walk up to a podium and say "Yeah that's it I quit?" Poor guy needs a win. Though I need to be honest when the Bambs get oh so close and don't win the title I for on think its super funny. 

2. So who exactly is the best Bernal sister? On April 21st in the year of our Lord 2018 (3) sisters will enter the fray and (11) weeks later we will vote and we will pick a winner. Please make sure to check out web site votes and our special blue ribbon weekly podcast discussion on the matter. Each week will be very important as we get to see who will reign supreme both on and off the field. 

3. I know we keep asking and praying together as one, but will this be the season we finally get to interview "girl on crack"? If you see her and she is doing kool awesome "girl on crack" activities like trying to catch fictitious butterflies or debating conservative republicans that aren't even in the room with her please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. immediately so I can get a reporter to her ASAP.

4. So if the Topper does finally achieves his life long dream of securing a D3 title will he pull off the impossible and schedule a Spring banquet like nothing ever done before? Will he bring Emily's Minnion and 10 foot Panda with him to celebrate?

5. If you build an indoor football facility but no one plays in your league because they cant stand you but love your (2) competitors how long will it be until you no longer have an indoor facility?

10 FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

1. The game I have my eye on this week is in D3 when Bullet Club and Sticky Bandits have at it this week. I really see Bullet Club turning heel and becoming a team you love to hate this season. I for one think stacking your line up  in D3 is lame. Sticky Bandits are a solid team top to bottom that don't need to go heel for ratings like Bullet Club appears to be doing. Jeff Easton could be poised for a big season.  This game will go a long way in letting the other know exactly what each team is made of. 

2. Great match up looming in D1 when New Gods and Public Enemy have at it. They have played twice. Game one was an epic battle that ended in a tie. Game two saw Public Enemy beat New Gods late. This game should be interesting as Cody Williams has joined New Gods and PE seems to be reeling as news struck that Mike Boccio will be out most of the season. If you are Pete you can't be happy right now. McGrath stole his thunder last season now Cody Williams could steal his thunder this season. 

3. I'm very interested to see if the Purge runs away with D2 or if D2 turns into a weekly war. TP has solid girls and a very smart stable foundation. NWO was a surprise team last year that was balanced on both sides of the ball. They have some skill players but will struggle to keep up with the speed of the Purge Ladies. TP must fix one of the worst upper division zones in history. They can't keep giving up yards in chunks like they did last session. 

4. Full Throttle has returned and will have a very interesting opponent week #1 in Shredders. Shredders are usually in most games as they boast solid females and a decent squad. Shredders usually can get torn apart over the top long it will be interesting to see if Full Throttle goes Full Throttle and plays long ball. I wonder how Sam is doing and if she will be returning any time soon?

5. So Tommy Hughes and Co are jumping to D5 and they have a solid match up week #1 with Hung Buffalo. HB has been known to get chippy with people so this one should be interesting. If THE wants to know if they are for real this will be the week to know as HB is one tough out in D5.

6. One of the best soap operas going today is The McKenzie Agency. They are always worth the price of admission. How can't you love Ferger and Brent? How can you like Prim? These are the questions we usually hear. Practice Squad came out of no where and shocked many folks in D6 are they ready to take the next step? This game should be a good test for both to see what they are made of and how they stack up in the division.

7. I am very curious to see how Tight Ends in Motion Angry Buffalo II goes down. TEIM did an awesome job clogging Nick Sooch's passing lanes with their 10 foot monster in last session's D2 title game. It flustered Sooch and caused all kinds of issues. It's Spring so I assume Delano will make his glorious return. Sooch will need to be smart and roll out more. Tiger V Delano should be one of the better week #1 match ups. 

8. Solid match up brewing this week in D4 when HK4 and Uncle Rico's have at it. Lets be honest URTT should not have been in D5 last year so they should settle in quite nicely in D4. HK4 is hot and cold. They have the horses to take D4 over but they tend to struggle come playoff time. If Uncle Rico's want to see what they are made of a solid first test will be waiting for them.

9. We know what Matty's Angels are capable of but what of Cunning Stunts? This is a new Gender team that is ready to take D5 by storm. I very difficult week #1 test awaits them in Hope n Ruin. HNR plays tough D but can struggle a tad on offense. I have no clue who will show up for CS. I do know that they will be quick and they will be a smart squad. They should know what they are made of after a very interesting week #1 test. 

10. Before you take the field of battle this Saturday please remember a few things. First, go to Toppersports.com and download the rule book. Second, if you need a girl to sub on your team it is imperative no matter who you use that you email us before that Thursday at 6pm for said weeks game at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Please refer to the rule book for all sub rules. You must receive email confirmation from us that your sub is accepted. This also holds true for the sub list. We will be forwarding a universal  sub list for both male and female players. Please know this season the list will be smaller than in years past. If you have any issues please email us or talk to us anytime. Breaking sub rules could cause future suspension or issues for you and your team. With that being said good luck to all Saturday. 

Important emails to remember

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If you want to ref this season feel free to email Topper and he will get you in touch with Rameer to get you on the ref list.

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If you are new or returning to this league feel free to email me any time if you have any league questions or you want us to mention you/your team mates in this article

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In closing I would like to take this time to talk to you about a matter near and dear to my heart. Our very own Topper has not only won TSL executive of the year but social co ed football executive of the year in years 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017. Well I think it's time for a change. This season when you head to the polls please consider Mike Boccio for TSL Executive of the Year. Boccio is a young, aggressive, disease free gentleman that will not be on   the field due to a freak masturbation I mean football incident which has rendered his wrist incapacitated. So once again when you vote for TSL Executive of the Year award VOTE MIKE BOCCIO..... 

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