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Quick note before we get started – every week we start our article by ranking Quarterbacks, and this week is no different.  But we’ve ALSO done a non-Quarterback ranking at the end of the article this week, which some of you may find interesting/infuriating.  Enjoy!


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The Power Rankings spotlight always shines brightest on D1, where the super heavyweights slug it out for ultimate co-ed touch football supremacy.  We start this article every week by highlighting who’s at the TOP of the Rankings, and through two seasons, that has always been a D1 quarterback (and that’s no different this week of course).  Fair enough.  But with Bobby McConnell #1 and Mark Dalfonso #2 both on byes (yes, I’m ignoring Bobby’s stellar sub work for Matty’s Angels… he’s already #1 in the rankings, we don’t have to talk him up every week), the biggest positional battle in our Top Ten this week is between Matthew Ditullio and Patrick McGovern, aka Matty Ice vs Topper. 

 

Their two “undefeated” D2 teams clashed this week (let’s ignore their inter-division losses to D1 teams for just a moment, we’ll get back to those later), which WOULD have been a showdown worthy of legend, if Matty hadn’t been out of town.  Hofbrauhaus Buffalo took the 64-34 win over A&A in a battle that proves… well, we’re not sure.  A&A apparently can’t win a game without their fearless leader, which either speaks to Matty’s irreplaceable value to his team, or their lack of planning to carry a serviceable backup QB on their roster (or both).  Either way, tricky to say how much meaning we should give to Hofbrauhaus’s win this week.  On the one hand, we try not to subscribe to the whole “punishing you in the Power Rankings for ditching your team” philosophy, so we don’t want to hold Matty’s absence against him.  On the other hand, it seems unfair not to give Topper SOME credit for the win, because it’s still 64 points he scored against A&A’s defense.

 

Ignoring their game against each other for a minute, A&A and Hofbrauhaus Buffalo have each played games against Peachy Platoon, Slytherin That End Zone, Bullet Club, Energy Buff, and We Back this season (back when We Back was STILL We Back).  Hofbrauhaus Buffalo had a slightly tougher cross-divisional schedule this season losing to Public Enemy this week (A&A lost to a slightly weaker Tight Ends in Motion team at the same time), but we’re going to ignore that for the time being, as well as A&A’s win earlier this season against Dilf’s, since Hofbrauhaus Buffalo hasn’t played them yet.  Against five common opponents, both teams went 5-0, with Hofbrauhaus outscoring their opponents 215-61 and A&A outscoring those same opponents 192-127.  Clearly Hofbrauhaus has been the better team with a massive edge in point differential in these games (+154 vs +65) but the offensive numbers really aren’t THAT different, with Hofbrauhaus leading by only 23 points against common opponents.  Still, when we look at it this way, it’s tough to come to any conclusion other than “Topper has been slightly better than Matty so far this season”. 

 

Any argument for keeping Matty ABOVE Topper in the standings essentially boils down to “we should give him extra credit for his dominating performances with Matty’s Angels”.  Is that fair?  Depends how you look at it.  Matty’s Angels is THE highest scoring team in the League by almost a full touchdown, and Matty is the straw that stirs the drink.  How do you ignore that??  We typically don’t, and credit Matty accordingly for his dominance on both teams.  But if we’re not going to punish Matty for not playing against Hofbrauhaus this week, then why would we punish Topper for not playing against D4 teams this season?  Both QBs have the same flawless record against the same opponents, but Topper’s done it a little bit better. 

 

This is all an incredibly long way of saying that Topper #4 moves up one spot this week to his highest Power Rankings position ever.  Matty drops to #5, which the self-proclaimed Fall 2019 TSL MVP won’t like – but the good news for Matty is that he doesn’t have to get used to it.  Up next is the classic we WANTED last week, as Hofbrauhaus Buffalo and A&A play each other again in the D2 #1 vs #2 Ladder Match game… and this time (hopefully) it’ll really be Matty vs Topper, with D2 supremacy on the line.

 

That’s more than enough Topper and Matty coverage.  Here are your Week Seven TSL Quarterback Power Rankings:

 

 

One question we get ALL the time is “how do you compare QBs in different divisions?”  If you’ve read this article at all, you know it’s an issue we struggle with every week, and we’re not always completely consistent with the way we address it.  Generally you’re going to be ranked higher if you’re playing against better competition, which is why the QB of 1-7 Gryffindor is always going to be higher than the QB of 7-2 Zack Attack (does anyone think Joey wouldn’t be undefeated in D6?).  This isn’t always true, as the QB of We Back likely would have struggled against All We Do Is Quinn (everyone struggles against AWDIQ) but as a guideline it makes sense to weight the division you play in.  People will “politely” say to us “but I’m X-X and throwing for XXX points per week, how am I not rated higher???”.  If your standing in the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings means a lot to you, our suggestion is to move up a division next year.  You WILL win fewer games, and feel like less of a badass when you’re not rolling to 30 point wins every week, but there’s no better way to show people what you’re made of than to take on and beat the established QBs on this chart.  Look at Joe Miano, who couldn’t move higher than the 17th ranking last season in D6.  He and his (admittedly improved) Jabronies squad moved up to D3 this season, and although they’re not setting the world on fire (tied for the third in the division, 5-3-1 record, -5 point differential on the season) it absolutely got Joe noticed, and he’s now a regular contender for the Top Ten.

 

If you still think level of competition shouldn’t matter for the Ranking, and that maybe your QB is “just as good” as people in higher divisions, remember this: D1 had five crossover games against D2 teams this session and they won them all, by a combined score of 212-92.  Gryffindor is 0-7 to date against D1, and 1-0 against D2.  As we said earlier, Hofbrauhaus Buffalo and A&A were undefeated against their own division, and both got smoked by D1 teams this week (Chris Cole #3 of Public Enemy, and Mike McKenrick #10 of Tight Ends in Motion respectively).  We’re not saying it’s EASY to move up a division, but at least you can understand why some of these guys are consistently ranked towards the top.

 

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Peachy Platoon beats Schilling Em Softly 39-20 this week, but Dean’s thumb is injured so he didn’t quarterback.  Dean #6 keeps his spot this week.  Slytherin That End Zone also had the week off, so Matt Newman #8 is not moving either.

 

Vince Taverna #7 is lucky to keep his ranking too this week, after dropped a 38-36 game against Frodo Swaggins.  Just when we were all ready to count Scotty Drosendahl #12 out, Frodo comes up with the huge win.  This is a team that scored 70+ points late last season against 3rd & Schlong.  Maybe Scotty saves his best work for the end of the season?  AWDIQ finish at 6-3 and currently hold the #2 seed in Division 3, but if Frodo can finish out next week with one more win against the Sticky Bandits, they’ll jump both Jabronies and Quinn in the standings to steal the #2 seed for themselves.  That’d be pretty good, for a quarterback that was recently described on our own website as “all the makings to be great with his witticism, skill set and can-do attitude but seems to always fall short when the games on the line”.

 

Joey Batts #9 went 1-1 this week for Cunning Stunts, beating Buffalo Solar Solutions 43-42 (who were without Andy Clark #17) and losing a shocker to Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers 62-44.  Uncle Rico’s started the season on our “worst point differentials, worst defense” etc lists, but they’ve clawed their way back to respectability lately by winning their last three games by a combined 152-97.  Sure, their defense is still abysmal (DEAD last in the League at 45 ppg against) but Tim Zielinski #20 has the offense rolling (11th best in the League at 34 ppg) and has earned his way into our TSL QB Power Rankings Top Twenty.  Uncle Rico’s plays Buffalo Solar Solutions this week, which could cause Tim and Andy to flip spots if Rico’s can keep the magic going.

 

No Punt Intended finish the season 7-2 with a 42-35 win over Ultimate Warriors, and they’ve locked up the #1 seed in D3.  We wish we could reward Kyle Conniff #11 in the Power Rankings, but with Mike McKenrick guiding TEIM past A&A this week, there’s really no path for promotion here.  Kind of ironic, since Kyle plays on TEIM as well – maybe he can drop a few passes next week to make Tight Ends lose to Marketing Mayors?  That WOULD open up a spot for him in the Top Ten…  

 

Joe Miano #13 drops a spot as the Jabronies beat Vaspian 34-18 (who themselves had just beaten Ultimate Warriors 28-22) and then immediately drop one to End Game by a score of 25-7. Lots to unpack here in this D3 Power Rankings knot.  The Jabronies have had incredible shootouts this year, but they’ve also lost two games with scores in the single digits.  Which team is going to show up for playoffs?  Doesn’t seem fair that Joe gets punished one spot in the Rankings this week for going 1-1, but we’ve rewarded the Vaspian quarterback they just BEAT (he moves up one spot this week) for going 1-1 as well.  Lucas Kramer #19 is really benefiting from Scott Pinto #21 dropping out of the Top Twenty (great offense, but you have to win some games!) and Joe is unfortunately being punished because Scotty beat AWDIQ… that’s just the way it goes sometimes, as you’re competing with the people right around you in the Power Rankings.  David Eickhoff #16 moves up two spots this week with his win over Jabronies.  End Game struggled at times this season, but they’ve beaten two good teams in the last two weeks (Frodo being last week’s victim) and they’re poised to make a playoff run if they can keep it going.  We really wish D3 teams didn’t play so many doubleheaders, as these paragraphs aren’t fun to write.

 

Scott Keller Sr #14 drops one ranking this week due to his bye week combined with the Frodo win.  Ricky Austin #18 rises one ranking this week due to his bye week combined with the Ultimate Warriors loss.  Larry Chruscial #15 had a bye week and kept his ranking from last week.  And there’s your Top Twenty.

 

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Here are a few quick hits on your TSL team leaders after six weeks (excluding We Back):

 

·         Best Offensive Team (total points) – Matty’s Angels, 419

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender (total points) – All We Do Is Quinn, 370

·         Best Offensive Team (points per game) – Matty’s Angels, 52.4

·         Best Offensive Team Non-Gender (points per game) – Over Compensators, 46.4

 

·         Worst Offensive Team (total points) – Pink Pteratacos, 85

·         Worst Offensive Team (points per game) – Pink Pteratacos, 14.2

 

·         Best Defensive Team (total points against) – En Fuego, 127

·         Best Defensive Team (points against per game) – En Fuego, 15.9

 

·         Worst Defensive Team (total points against) – Ultimate Warriors, 347

·         Worst Defensive Team (points against per game) – Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers, 45

 

·         Best Point Differential (total points) – Matty’s Angels, +254

·         Best Points Differential Non-Gender (total points) – Over Compensators, +180

·         Best Point Differential (points per game) – Matty’s Angels, +31.8

·         Best Point Differential Non-Gender (points per game) – Over Compensators, +25.7

 

·         Worst Point Differential (total points) – Blitzkrieg, -130

·         Worst Point Differential (points per game) – Pink Pteratacos, -19.0

 

·         Longest Current Win Streak – TIE: Eyes Downtown, Over Compensators, 7

·         Longest Current Losing Streak – TIE: Pink Pteratacos, Blitzkrieg, 6

 

·         Remaining Undefeated Teams: Over Compensators

·         Remaining Winless Teams: Pink Pteratacos

 

Neither of our “longest win streak” teams played this week, so no change there.  Blitzkrieg “caught up” to Pink Pteratacos (who were also on a bye) for a share of the League’s longest losing streak.

 

There’s a bit of bullshit in the table above for En Fuego seizing the “best defense in the League” title this week, as they benefited from not one but two forfeits over Cobblestone, which are recorded as 21-0 wins in the standings.  Without those forfeit wins, their PPG would rise from 15.9 to 21.2, which would make them only the 9th best defense in the League (pAssless Chaps would take over the title of best defense at 17.9 ppg if we made that adjustment).  Still a great job by En Fuego, and certainly not their fault that Cobblestone couldn’t make the games, but take that stat with a grain of salt.

 

Two of our three undefeated teams lost this week, so Over Compensators is the last team standing with a shot at a perfect season.  We Back was pulled from the stats above, and Shattered Dreams finally won their first game of the season, so our last winless team this season is Pink Pteratacos. (Schilling Em Softly hasn’t won either, but they’re an 0-2 replacement team… they barely count.)

 

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And now for something a little different.  Every week we analyze the best Quarterbacks in the TSL (that IS the premise of our article) but we largely neglect the rest of you who aren’t gifted enough to sling a football down the field.  For the first time ever, we’re going to try to recognize some of those people now.

 

The list below represents the Top 21 Impact Players of the TSL.  What does that mean?  These aren’t necessarily the 21 BEST players in the League (which might just be the rosters of Public Enemy, Marketing Mayors and Eyes Downtown) but these are players who make a huge difference to their teams when they’re present.  Think of it as “your team has a 50% greater chance of winning the game if THIS person shows up” (ie Lebron’s entire career in Cleveland).  This isn’t EXACTLY the same as an MVP debate, because we’ve specifically excluded Quarterbacks, but it’s similar in principle.  There’s certainly no offense intended if you weren’t recognized on this list, as there are a LOT of great and valuable players that we’re sure we’re neglecting, but these were the 21 names that stood out to us.

 

Like our Quarterback Rankings, feel free to rip us apart and tell us what a terrible job we’ve done:

 

 

Ironic that our #1 player on our Non-Quarterback List is a quarterback, right?  Dean’s contributions go way beyond QB though, as he’s the leader and best athlete/defender on Peachy Platoon in addition to being the Quarterback, so we didn’t want to slight him by leaving him off.  Similar story for Kyle Conniff, who QBs for NPI but is also just a leader on and off the field for that team. 

 

We’re not going to get into a full write-up for each of these players and why they’re great… we’re just going to leave this out here so you can get angry that you weren’t on the list.

 

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That’s it for this week!  If you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (you hate that we didn’t use Gronk’s actual name?  there’s no way a TSL Impact Players List should exist without your buddy Steve?  your last name is Ditullio and you hate seeing Topper surge past you in the QB Rankings?), please send complaints to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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