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"You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the end zone" - John Madden, certified football genius

Welcome back to Week Five of the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  Here's what we've got for you this week:

• Weekly News
• QB Power Rankings - Top 10 in detail, and a blurb on the next 5 as well
• Team Stats - our first charts of the 2020 season!
• Final Observations

Weekly News

The Godfather already broke the story last week (TSL QB Rankings had unfortunately already gone to press) but our Rankings will look a little different this week without Dean Thompson of Peachy Platoon fame.  The #4 ranked QB in the TSL now has work commitments on Saturdays and we hear he won't be back until Spring.  Tough loss for the League, as Dean was not only a top QB but an elite defender and one of the nicest people to play the game.  He'll be missed this session, though maybe not by the D2 teams that had to play against him.  Dean's replacement's name is Sam, and we don't know much about him yet.  You won't see his name in the Rankings below (losing your debut 52-23 is not the best way to get ranked) but he's surrounded by some of the best young athletes in the League so might just be a matter of time.  Best of luck to Sam and the rest of Peachy - Dean's going to be a tough one to replace.

We're starting to think there's something cursed about that #4 spot.  First Matty leaves, and now Dean.  Does no one want to step up and complete the Mount Rushmore of TSL Quarterbacking??  We're not sure anyone else in the Top Ten is really ready to etch their face into the mountain quite yet, but time will tell.

QB Power Rankings

Here are the Week Five Rankings, with a Bonus #11-15 shown in the chart below.  Without Dean, all the other active QBs (the winning ones, at least) generally slotted up a spot this week in the Power Rankings. 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown, The Angels - Previous Rank (#1)

Last Week:  Beat Marketing Mayors 38-21 (Eyes Downtown), beat Over Compensators 53-32 and Family Feud and Some Dudes 51-30 (The Angels)

The Headline:  The number one QB in the Power Rankings remains unbeaten - top spot unchallenged this week

The Stat:  Bobby is now 6-0 between both of his teams this season, and is averaging 43.5 ppg

Next Week: Jabronies in D2 Crossover Game (Eyes Downtown), Buffalo Solar Solutions (The Angels)

#2 Chris Cole - Public Enemy - Previous Rank (#2)

Last Week:  Beat Marketing Mayors 41-13, beat Tight Ends in Motion 30-29

The Headline:  Public Enemy overcomes significant personnel absences, remains undefeated atop the D1 standings

The Stat:  Chris and Bobby are still 0-0 against each other this season, as the national sporting community holds its collective breath for the eventual clash of titans

Next Week: Slytherin That End Zone in D2 Crossover Game

#3 Mark Dalfonso - Marketing Mayors - Previous Rank (#3)

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 38-21, lost to Public Enemy 41-13

The Headline:  Marketing Mayors does NOT overcome personnel absences in brutal schedule against top two D1 teams; Dalfonso not punished in Rankings for losing to QBs already ranked ahead of him

The Stat:  Marketing Mayors are scoring only 23 PPG, worse than every other D1 team but newcomers Why So Serious?  Is it the schedule, or is something wrong here?

Next Week: Dilfs in D2 Crossover Game (which would just be a D1 game if Dilfs had moved up when they won the D2 title...)

#4 Matt Newman - Slytherin That End Zone - Previous Rank (#5)

Last Week: Beat Hofbrauhaus Buffalo 31-22

The Headline:  Winners keep winning as SITE remains the only undefeated D2 team, and losers keep losing (Topper 0-8 on the season, plummets in QB Rankings)

The Stat:  Slytherin third in D2 in scoring behind Jabronies and Sticky Bandits, but first in defense.  Winning because of Newman or in spite of him??  Critics want to see more before engraving his face on Mount Rushmore of TSL QBs.

Next Week: Public Enemy in D1 Crossover Game

#5 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits - Previous Rank (#6)

Last Week: Beat Morning Wood 37-31

The Headline:  Sticky Nation is (surprisingly?) one of three teams in D2 with a winning record, and their only loss came against a now-inactive Dean Thompson.

The Stat:  Every Sticky Bandits game this season has been within one score, proving these guys can hang with (or potentially lose to) anyone.

Next Week: Gryffindor in D1 Crossover Game

#6 Vince Taverna - All We Do is Quinn - Previous Rank (#7)

Last Week: Beat Frodo Swaggins 40-38

The Headline:  Quinn wins the Frodo Swaggins grudge match/D3 Championship preview, remains undefeated.  Vince looks fantastic in winning effort, plays other unbeaten D3 team Grey Hair - Don't Care next week.  

The Stat:  This balanced AWDIQ team has the second best Offense, second best Defense, and the very best Point Differential in D3.

Next Week: Untouchaballs, Grey Hair - Don't Care

#7 Joey Batts - Gryffindor, Cunning Stunts - Previous Rank (#10)

Last Week: Beat Why So Serious 44-26 (Gryffindor), beat Vaspian 36-26, lost to Family Feud and Some Dudes (Cunning Stunts)

The Headline:  Gryffindor re-writes early season team narrative with win, now owns third best offense, defense, point differential, and record in D1.  Stunts go 1-1, including surprising loss to TSL newcomers Family Feud and Some Dudes.

The Stat:  Gryffindor wins their first ever pure D1 regular season game. We looked it up - they had previously won two D1/D2 crossover games, including a win over D2 Dilfs on August 31st 2019 (while Gryffindor was in D1) and a win over D1 #XTC@Angry Buffalo on June 8th 2019 (while Gryffindor was in D2).  And they beat Marketing Mayors in the first round of the Fall 2019 Playoffs, which is when you want to be winning games anyway.  But this was the first regular season D1 vs D1 win we could find.  The new Gryffindor is trending up.

Next Week: Sticky Bandits (Gryffindor), Freeballers, Over Compensators (Cunning Stunts)

#8 Scott Drosendahl - Frodo Swaggins - Previous Rank (#8)

Last Week: Lost to AWDIQ 40-38

The Headline:  Quinn wins the Frodo Swaggins grudge match/D3 Championship preview (yeah, we copy/pasted that from above).  Somebody had to lose that game, and unfortunately for Scotty, it was Swaggins.

The Stat:  Frodo Swaggins is still the highest scoring team in the League at 48.7 PPG.  They are also the 35th ranked defense at 35.7 PPG allowed.  To quote Scotty Ballgame himself, "we're handing out 36 PPG like I'm dong this shit for charity.  IT ENDS NOW".  No comment from defensive scapegoat Garrett Beesing as of yet.

Next Week: Grey Hair - Don't Care

#9 Alex Buchlis - Tight Ends in Motion - Previous Rank (#9)

Last Week: Lost to Public Enemy 30-29

The Headline:  TEIM couldn't get past a short handed Public Enemy team for their first win of the season (although how "short handed" can a team really be with arguably the league's best QB AND best non-QB in Boccio?) 

The Stat:  The Tight Ends defense is second worst in D1, and only 0.3 PPG better than newcomers Why So Serious?  Is something wrong here, or is that just a product of starting their season against Eyes Downtown and Public Enemy?  If TEIM doesn't right the ship defensively, it's going to put a lot of pressure on Alex and the O to keep up.

Next Week: Bullet Club in D2 Crossover Game

#10 Joe Miano - Jabronies - Previous Rank (#13)

Last Week: Beat Dilfs 36-20, beat Peachy Platoon 52-23

The Headline:  Jabronies vaulted from middle of the pack to second best record in D2 by beating the reigning champ Dilfs and crushing the Dean-less Peachy Platoon.  Their reward - a juicy D1 ladder match against Eyes Downtown next week.

The Stat:  It's a little skewed from dropping 50+ against a suddenly vulnerable Peachy team, but Jabronies are now the highest scoring team in D2 at 36.75 PPG.  Joe Miano was QBing in D6 literally two sessions ago, and now he's leading D2.  Don't be afraid to swing big, kids.

Next Week: Eyes Downtown in D1 Crossover Game

A few quick hits on the QBs on the verge of cracking the Top Ten... but not quite there yet:

#11 Brandt Dubey - FINALLY we get to rank a Dilfs QB.  They've always been good, they just seem to shuffle around too much for us to commit to one in our rankings.  Dubey went 1-1 this week, dropping the Jabronies game 36-20 and then beating Bullet Club 27-15.  Dubey is one of only five QBs in the history of our Power Rankings to ever crack the Top Two.

#12 David Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care are still undefeated and they play BOTH of the D3 Superpowers this week in AWDIQ and Frodo Swaggins.  Win them both and Eickhoff will absolutely punch his ticket back to the Top Ten.

#13 Pete Nguyen - Didn't see Pete at the fields on Saturday.  Absence makes him drop one spot to #13 this week.

#14 Tim Zielinski  - Uncle Rico's Time Travelers were the hottest team in the TSL the second half of last Fall, and even though it's nearly a year later they've picked up right where they left off.  URTT are the third highest scoring team in the TSL behind only Frodo Swaggins and The Angels, and Tim has been described as "a prolific pocket passer [with] great accuracy. He utilizes all of his receivers and is a great game manager".  The Time Travelers are also 2-1 in a very competitive division.

#15 Ricky Austin - Ricky lost a heated game to Dilf's this week, and Bullet Club is middle of the pack in D2 right now.  They'll need Good Ricky next week if they want to have a shot of winning a D1 Crossover Game.

Team Stats

Here are the ten best and ten worst teams in the League across ALL divisions for Offense, Defense, and overall Point Differential (+/-).  We'll do a divisional breakdown some other week.

Final Observations:

• Mountain Dew Me is now 3-0, with the fourth best offense in the League, the best defense, and by FAR the best total point differential.  They're averaging a 42-6 win per week.  They've allowed three total scores on the season, and they have given up exactly zero extra points.  Mountain Dew QB Cody McGregor has been described as "the youngest of the four brothers, made from the leftovers.  Fueled by Bud Light and McChicken Sandwiches.  Moved from receiver to QB due to lack of speed in his legs, that he makes up for with power in his arm".  Can we push them up a division mid-season?  We'd say they have D5 locked up already... except Practice Squad is ALSO undefeated, and is second in the League to Mountain Dew Me in both defense and point differential.  
• Other than Mountain Dew Me, All We Do Is Quinn and Eyes Downtown were the only teams to make all three Top Ten lists at this point in the season.  TOX, Why So Serious?, Intentional Pounding, and Interdimensional Lightning Falcons made all three Bottom Ten lists.
• Although they've done well enough on the offensive side of the ball, Family Feud and Some Dudes have given up nearly 54 PPG on defense.  That means the gap between them and the second worst defense (12.08 PPG) is larger than the gap between the second worst defense and the 22nd worst defense.  Yikes.
• There are 9 undefeated teams left in the League.  There are 7 winless teams remaining.
• Poor Intentional Pounding.  Second worst offense in the League.  Tied for second worst defense in the League.  Unsurprisingly, worst point differential in the League.  Can't be fun losing games by an average of 26 points per week.  And yet somehow they're not on the winless list, having beaten TOX already.  Damn, Topper, get your shit together.

As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  the green/red coloring on that chart was gaudy and you expected better of us?  you demand more Mount Rushmore artwork?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..   Remember, with the COVID regulations we have in place at the fields this year, it's a lot harder for spectators to watch games... which means it's a lot harder for the people on the QB Committee to watch your games.  If we're not writing about the action in your games, odds are we didn't see it.  Please email us to tell us what you're seeing out there - make our lives that much easier.

What's YOUR ranking?

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