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Welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  If you've read our article in the past (if for no other reason than to complain about how wrong we are) then you’re familiar with the concept – every week we share our rankings for the Top QBs in the League and discuss who’s trending up and who's trending down.  We on the QB Power Rankings Committee are not what you'd call "great writers" (or even "very good" writers... check out the Godfather if you want better writing) so we typically lean heavily on graphs and stats instead... at least, we do after a few weeks, when there's significant enough data to bother sharing.  In our season opening articles we also make a few predictions for the session and re-print an explanation of how these Power Rankings work, which we've copied and pasted almost verbatim from previous articles.

 

So a little Q&A to refresh your memories:

 

“There are 51 teams in the TSL this season!  Are you going to show rankings for all 51 starting QB’s every week?”

Not even close.  At minimum, the Top Ten will be shown EVERY week.  We always expand as the season goes on, so you'll see a Top 15, Top 20... last season we got to a Top 25, so we do try to be inclusive.

 

“Is this going to be heavily biased towards the higher divisions?”

In a word: yes.  The purpose of a Power Ranking is to highlight the absolute best in the League, and for the most part the best are competing AGAINST the best.  We will absolutely be acknowledging the performances (good and bad) of Quarterbacks in the lower divisions as well, but it's rare that a lower division QB will crack the Top Ten or Fifteen, and that's the way it should be (this is why "D5 Langley" will struggle to crack the Rankings this season.).  Generally speaking if you don't like your ranking, our advice is to try moving up a division next session.  The better your competition, the more credibility you earn for beating it.

 

"Are gender team QBs treated differently in the Rankings?"

Not really.  A team's a team, and although gender team scores tend to be a little higher (every TD = minimum 8 points) we don't see much difference.  It takes skill to win with men; it takes skill to win with women.  The biggest knock on gender teams is that they tend to play in lower divisions and as we said above, we do factor THAT into our rankings.

 

"How are you ranking backup QBs if they come in and play better than some other team's starter?"

Generally we're only ranking one QB per team, even if you've got a player on your bench that you think could be a successful starter elsewhere.  And for teams with unreliable QBs who don't show up often enough for us to even KNOW who the starter is, we often leave them out of our rankings entirely... as they say, the best "ability" is "availability".  If you want to get ranked, show up and play as often as you can.  

 

"I'm new to this League and people don't know me yet!  How do I get ranked when I'm still an unknown?"

For starters, you should play really well.  If you're scoring a lot of points, we WILL notice you.  There are several new teams this session, so we probably DON'T know who you all are yet.  We no longer have our own email address due to some legal restructuring stuff, so if you want to tell us about your QB, why not email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and introduce yourself?  And please, please be patient.  If you're the highest scoring team in the League in Week 2, that doesn't mean we're anointing you as the next Bobby McConnell just yet.  Keep at it, play well, and we promise eventually we will recognize you.

 

"What about Breakfast Club QBs?"

Breakfast Club is for fun, not crushing your opponents, so if you're running up the score to try to get noticed... well, that only makes you an asshole!  We don't put a lot of stock in the stats from Breakfast Club and don't factor that into our Rankings.

 

“So you’re only ranking QB’s… what about the rest of us?”

Oh, we didn’t forget about the rest of you.  In addition to the QB Rankings, we will do our best to put out other rankings that the rest of you can enjoy – best team offenses, best team defenses, best referees, best male receivers, best female receivers, best at bar …  ranking anything is always fun.  Unless we rank you last, of course.  

 

“You keep saying ‘we’.  Who is writing this?  Who determines these rankings?”

Don’t worry about who’s writing this.  Let’s be honest: If you knew who was on our Committee (there's a few of us), you would incessantly whine to them about why you or your QB should be ranked higher every week.  Anonymity is key for journalism THIS important.  

 

And that's how the Power Rankings work.  We expect it's going to be an incredible season, with fifty-ish teams battling for TSL supremacy.  Our official predictions for this year (with the benefit of one week already being in the books, of course): 

• Wanderers win their first ever TSL championship, and we'll even guess the score is 30 something to 30 something in the D3 Finals
• Whoever wins D2 will buck the trend and actually jump to D1 in the Fall... stranger things have happened!
• At least one brand new team will make it to their divisions Finals game
• GUCCI finally shake off their underperforming in the playoffs and take home the D5 championship
• The Rose Garden WILL begin construction before the end of the Spring session!
• No D6 team will finish with more than 6 wins in the regular season

 

 

But what do we know?  We went 2 out of 6 on last year's predictions:

• Legends do NOT win the D1 championship for a record fourth straight season [nailed it!  Eyes Downtown walked away with the title... as well as the 2023 Team of the Year Award]
• There will be at least one gender team vs gender team Finals.  We're counting GUCCI as a gender team here to give us some more flexibility, but we'll either seen Father Baker vs Cunning Stunts or BAADies vs GUCCI in a championship game this Fall. [we could not have been MORE wrong; Cunning Stunts was the only gender team to escape the first round, after which they promptly lost in the semis, and GUCCI, Father Baker and BAADies all lost in the first round... with Father Baker and BAADies combining for a total of zero points!]
• No one goes winless this season.  Yes, we made that prediction last Spring and got it wrong (twice) but we feel much better about it this time! [wrong yet again; Not So Sticky went winless in the regular season before shocking Spinelli's in the playoffs... but TMA won zero games the entire Fall session]
• Frodo Swaggins has the worst record of any returning team in D1, but they will make their division's Final Four. [they did!  Frodo beat Sticky Nation in the play-in game to make the Final Four, and had a reasonably competitive semifinals game against Legends before bowing out of the playoffs]
• Freeballers will play in (and maybe win, but that's not an "official" prediction) the D2 Championship game [we were so close... but Freeballers lost a classic to Scared Hitless, so the furthest they made it was the semi-finals]
• Steph's Misty-rious Infection beats the Dirty Dozen in the Breakfast Club Finals [we got the winner right... but not the runner-up, as BDD was the next-to-last team standing in Breakfast Club]

 

So there you go.  Let's get to the first QB Power Rankings of the Spring 2024 Season.  

 

As always, we do NOT overreact to one week's worth of games in our first Power Rankings of the season.  Joey Batts and Garrett Beesing both lost on Saturday - you think they're going to fall very far in the Rankings?  Not a chance.  You also might not see many new people yet because we need a larger sample size to see how some of these changes play out.  Sorry if you don't like it, but if people are good enough, their stock will rise quickly and we'll get them Ranked over the next few weeks.  

 

Here are your Top Ten starting QBs in the TSL:

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Eyes Uptown 43-34

Last season's #1 ranked QB and D1 champion picked up where he left off with a win over his biggest rivals.  Will Bobby become the first player to win Fall, Winter and Spring back-to-back-to-back?  The schedule only gets easier from here for Eyes Downtown.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Eyes Uptown / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 43-34, beat Reset Warriors 42-34

"Legends" are now "Eyes Uptown", which is trolling at its finest.  It'll be tough for TSL icon Joey Batts to reclaim the #1 spot for a few weeks at least, until he gets another shot at a head-to-head win over Bobby and Eyes Downtown.  Although success eluded his D1 team on opening day, the Stunts picked up right where they left off with a win over newcomers Reset Warriors, which should be a surprise to no one.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Frodo Swaggins 25-21

The Sticky Bandits broke a three game losing streak against Frodo Swaggins on Saturday in a battle between "the other two" D1 teams.  The game wasn't very high scoring but this was likely a result of the pouring rain at the 10 am hour.  Would Mike jump up to the #1 spot with a win over Eyes Downtown this weekend?

 

#4 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 25-21

The BAADies are no more (rest in peace) but Frodo Swaggins are still going strong in D1.  Their record is bound to look a little shaky playing against Eyes Downtown, Eyes Uptown and Sticky Bandits every week, but don't be fooled into thinking this isn't one of the three or four best teams in the TSL.

 

#5 Jordan Lawson - Mavericks

Last Week:  Beat Freeballers 32-14, beat Puckett All-Stars 44-38

Add Losing Streak to the list of disbanded teams this session, as the Mavericks are now Jordan's sole team in the League (bring back Victorious Secret!).  They started off hot by crushing Freeballers and then held on an hour later to beat Puckett and go 2-0.  Untouchaballs haven't played yet, but Mavericks might be the early favorites in D2.  Strangely Jordan DROPPED two spots in the Power Rankings after going 2-0, but that's more a product of the QBs above him facing stronger competition in Week One.

 

#6 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the reigning D2 champs last week.  Untouchaballs will open with a doubleheader this week against Mavericks and Puckett.

 

#7 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat Can't Touch This 38-36

Scared Hitless overcame Can't Touch This in a tight battle for early D2 bragging rights.  Dylan jumps ahead of Ryan in the QB Rankings, but both QBs put on a show scoring 36+ points.

 

#8 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 38-36

Scared Hitless overcame Can't Touch This in a tight battle for early D2 bragging rights.  Dylan jumps ahead of Ryan in the QB Rankings, but both QBs put on a show scoring 36+ points.  (What?  Why can't we use the same write-up twice?)

 

#9 Theo Russell - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Mavericks 44-38

Alright Puckett All-Stars, WE SEE YOU.  After adding some serious talent, Puckett made the jump from D4 to D2, and they immediately looked right at home keeping up with the Mavericks in a close Week One loss.  Theo Russell had a few moments that made you think "this guy is definitely new to QBing co-ed touch football", but he also had a few that made you think "holy shit, keep an eye on this guy after he has a full season under his belt".

 

#10 Frank Laudico - Wanderers

Last Week:  Beat Buffalo Vice 34-32, beat Let's Get Reccked 36-32

Both games were close in the end, but isn't this what we expect out of Wanderers at this point?  Their defense gives up 30+ points, Frank and the offense do JUST enough to lock up the wins?  D3 is always one of our tightest divisions from top to bottom, and a 2-0 start is exactly what the Wanderers need to build SOME separation from the pack.  

 

 

Fancy Statistics Section

Yeah, right.  You're not getting any fancy statistics out of us until at LEAST Week Four, and even then we'll tell you the sample size is too small to be meaningful (yes, we're going to copy/paste this line next week too, so get used to it)

 

 

That's it for the TSL Power Rankings this week!  As we said above, we don't currently have our own email address anymore, so if you have any thoughts about QB rankings, or you want to make sure we know who's throwing for your team, please feel free to contact our good friend This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  You tell him, he'll tell us.  

 

What's YOUR ranking?

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