• Print
• Email

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE TSL UNIVERSE!

Stop me if I said this before, but:

ITS ON!!!!!!!!!!

One the TSL’s biggest rivalries of all time takes center stage on Field 1 at 1:00pm as Public Enemy takes on Eyes Downtown. So many interesting questions come into play for this one, as it always does. Can Eyes Downtown break Public Enemy’s winning streak? Will we see Bobby McConnell yet? If we don’t, and Chadwick leads ED to a victory, should Bobby be permanently replaced? Can you imagine we’re very close to world where Bobby McConnell and Ricky Austin are both Free Agents? Why did Public Enemy decide to get themselves a bunch of Eyes Downtown jerseys? Who’s going to wear white instead? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. Not enough answers. But at 2:18pm (I hear the fields are running behind a lot these days) we’ll know who stands tall. As of now, the betting line stands at Eyes Downtown (+3). This game is too close to call, so I’m just going to predict it now: PUBLIC ENEMY TIES EYES DOWNTOWN.

Anyway, Week two of the great adventure that is the TSL Spring 2019 season brought us some highlight reel plays, some teams having more questions than answers, and while it was apparently warmer out, it rained a bit. But, that’s a step up from the snow you guys had to deal with last week. Fun fact: it’ll be 65 degress and sunny here in Des Moines, while it seems like you’ll be playing in 51 with a smidge of wind. Plus side, doesn’t look like rain for you guys…yet. The season’s picture got a little bit clearer last week for some teams. Others need to go back to the drawing board as soon as last Sunday. All of the up and down play makes calling these games harder than ever for me.

Note: There’s no reason for us to have divisions labeled “C1”, “C2” and “R1-R4”. It’s stupid, and I like D1-D6 better, so while I thank you for your emails “showing me how wrong I’m being about division names”, I don’t care. Some of you need to focus on your play and stop worrying about what I have to say about you. Don’t @ me.

Just kidding. Keep ‘em coming at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

Onto the games:

D1:

Marketing Mayors vs 1 Todd 2 Many (+3) – Never thought I’d see the day where I’d routinely see a Topper-led franchise be in our highest division AND not have double digit point spreads given to them. But here we are. Team Topper gave Public Enemy a run for their money, but ran out of steam near the end, dropping a 41-35 decision. Marketing Mayors had an incredibly fun 35-31 victory over Tight Ends that came down to the wire. Cory Turner’s squad should use that big momentum to get them over the feisty Topper bunch, but it’ll be close. MARKETING MAYORS BY 3

Tight Ends In Motion vs #XTC@Angry Buffalo (+7) - #XTC needs a win here to start to salvage their season. After a 33-14 drubbing by Public Enemy, this group of fan favorites find themselves 0-3 just 2 weeks in. Tight Ends is 0-2 themselves after another close loss to the Mayors 35-31. The team won’t say it, but they’ve been questioning how they’d do with a different QB for a while now, and Alex’s unfortunate injury may give them chance to see. Will this be a Drew Bledsow-Tom Brady scenario that takes TEIM to new heights? Either way, we’d like Coach Jay to get a big win over Emily Curry. He’s just nicer. BUT TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION BY 6

D2:

Title Shot vs Bullet Club (+8) – Title Shot is legit. Dubey is slinging the rock like its 1997, but more importantly, Devon is back making men turn into little boys, as is her specialty. TS brought A&A to school 44-29, not too long after a comeback victory 22-19 against Gryffindor. This puts Title Shot at 3-0 and on top of the division. Bullet Club might have some fun new jerseys, but it’s the same old issues already affecting them. Attendance is always a problem for this team, yet they still won relatively easily against Energy Buff 32-26 in a game that wasn’t as close as the score suggests. If Bullet Club has their entire team on hand, this could be the game of the day. If not? You can skip it. TITLE SHOT BY 6

Money Ball vs Energy Buff (+6) – Two new teams trying to find their way. Energy Buff has proven that their preseason odds to win the division were extremely off as they played a Bullet Club team WITHOUT most of its best players and lost 32-26. This team isn’t the second coming of Bad Apples, they’re more Cintas with a few upgrades in their women. Not a good sign. Money Ball is being accused of having too many alpha dogs it seems, but they have a lot of players who know how to play the game so we still think they can figure it out. A 30-22 loss to A&A is a step in the right direction. This game is going to come down to which team can gel sooner, as both teams need to get their first win of the season, and avoid going 0-3.   MONEY BALL BY 12

Gryffindor vs A&A (EVEN) – The TSL is already considering giving out free earplugs to everyone at the fields during this game. A matchup between Matty Ice, Joey Batts, and Jeremy Burr will prove to be a loud one. Gryffindor lost 22-19 to Title Shot last week, but as usual, that was Anthony’s fault and NOT Joey’s. A&A went 1-1 last week with a 30-22 win against Money Ball, followed by a 44-29 loss to Title Shot. Matty apparently had to scramble for a roster when he had some late cancellations so we can’t read too much into those games. These two teams are looking for a big win since there’s a good chance that this game could mean the difference between a first round bye in the playoff or not. This game is another ITS ON!!! Game if you ask me. Budding rivalry? Maybe. It’ll be close for sure. A&A BY 1

D3:

Slytherin That End Zone vs 3^rd And Schlong (EVEN) – Look out for a potential Game of the Day right here! 3AS remembered who they were this week and handed Morning Wood a 26-0 beatdown. SITE, after some positive reviews from Week 1 took a bit of a hit from AWDIQ in a 42-28 loss, but rebounded to defeat the Ultimate Warriors 39-12 to salvage Week 2. This game is an early D3 season matchup between two of the legit contenders for the title. This game should absolutely come down to the wire, and if you’re at the fields between 10 and 11, watch this and let me know the details. 3^RD AND SCHLONG BY 2

Peachy Platoon vs Ultimate Warriors (+10) – Oh THERE’S the Peachy Platoon I was talking about in the preseason! I got a lot of emails about this “Dean” fellow making a crazy catch. Thanks for making me look like a dummy Week 1 guys. Peachy looked every bit the part of a D3 contender last week, defeating the Sticky Bandits 42-28. The Ultimate Warriors went 0-2 last week, losing 39-12 to SITE and then 35-26 to Sticky Bandits. The Warriors aren’t having the best of starts this spring, but the last time we were down on them this early in the season, they won the D4 title as the Shredders from like the 7^th or 8^th seed in the playoffs when Sam Lattuca made Katherine Keller her bit…well, you get the idea. You can’t ever count them out. But, for now, I’m going with PP. PEACHY PLATOON BY 13

All We Do Is Quinn vs Sticky Bandits (+12) – Here we are in Week 3, and already LOTS of bets are coming in for that AWDIQ D3 championship. Quinn is arguably the most impressive team of the season so far, as they sit at the top of the D3 standings with a 2-0-1 record that includes wins over two big title contenders, SITE and 3^rd and Schlong. Quinn can argue they’ve had the toughest schedule so far as well, and Sticky in Week 3 only helps that argument. Jeff Krol’s Sticky Bandits are one of the smartest teams in the TSL, but last week they lost 42-28 to Peachy before coming back with a 36-25 win over the Ultimate Warriors. Things aren’t looking as bright as they’d like them to, and with Alex on the shelf with his groin injury, things could get worse in a hurry for the Bandits if they don’t find a QB soon. If Alex was playing, the line would be about +6. He’s VERY important to the Sticky game plan, and while losing your QB hurts just about ANY team, it just feels like its even worse here. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 15 (AWDIQ BY 3 IF ALEX PLAYS)

Frodo Swaggins vs Morning Wood (+3) – Morning Wood gave Dave Wilbern a present for his birthday last Saturday that he already has enough of: blowout losses. A 26-0 dismantling of MW by 3^rd And Schlong did have Dave’s birthday start off on the right foot, but rumor has it that he more than made up for it at the bar afterwards. Frodo Swaggins was off last week, but Garrett Beesing’s squad is looking to get their first win of the season. They’re sitting at 0-1-1 right now, and while they had a 44-21 loss to Sticky Bandits, they’re also the only team to really give AWDIQ a game so far, tying them 26-26. So which Frodo will show up this week? Which Morning Wood will show up this week? This is a game where the loser is going to start hearing the whispers of “maybe they should’ve been in D4”. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 4

D4:

Buffalo Solar Solutions vs Full Throttle (+8) – How about BSS? It appears the scores emailed to me last week that had them losing to Indecent Exposure 28-22 was incorrect and they won, according to toppersports.com. And then, they came out last week and just beat up on No Punt Intended 49-15. BSS is sitting at 2-0 on the season, and looking GOOD. Full Throttle didn’t take too kindly to some of the things being said about them, and took it out on Puckett All-Stars with a 36-28 victory. Lou and friends on FT are looking forward to this big Week 3 game, as its quite the measuring stick for who’s going to do what in this division. I liked seeing Full Throttle come out strong in Week 2, but I think BSS is gearing up for an eventual crash course with End Game for the D4 title. BUFFALO SOLAR SOLUTIONS BY 9

No Punt Intended vs Hung Buffalo (EVEN) -  Hung Buffalo has been a good, solid, consistent team for most of the last 100 years (or however long they’ve been playing together) and last week’s 1-1 effort (a 34-30 loss to Uncle Rico’s and a 46-34 win against Indecent Exposure) show that they’re a team to be reckoned with this season. NPI’s nice start was pretty much extinguished in the 49-15 loss to Buffalo Solar Solutions, and they find themselves staring a 1-4 record in the face by Week 3’s end if they don’t get themselves on the right page. They’re the epitome of a team with more questions than answers in the TSL and its on Kyle Conniff to get this team moving, or they’re looking at a long season. HUNG BUFFALO BY 6

Indecent Exposure vs Cobblestone (+10) – Cobblestone was smacked around by End Game last week 49-12. Granted, Darryl Carr QB Superstar was away on a business trip of some sort, but I’m not sure even HE would’ve mattered for that one. IE comes into the game with a 1-2 record in the division, after a loss to Hung Buffalo 46-34 last week. They’re right “in the mix” and should easily be a playoff team, but a game against Cobblestone is one they can’t afford to lose in what looks to be a tight divisional race all season. INDECENT EXPOSURE BY 14

No Punt Intended vs Cobblestone (+7) – Same as above for IE, No Punt Intended can’t afford a loss against Cobblestone here, as an 0-2 day gives NPI a very good chance to miss the playoffs completely. Cobblestone hasn’t shown the TSL much the last few seasons, so if they’re going to make their move, this week is as good as any. But, until they show us anything, I’ll take NPI giving the points. NO PUNT INTENDED BY 9

End Game vs Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers (+4) – Here we go. A big time matchup between two of the division’s better teams. Jon Senn’s Time Travelers played a bit true to form from what I said last week, as they beat Hung Buffalo 34-30, but a rested GLBS team caught them in the next game and beat them 24-0. This will be a true early test to really see if they have a shot at the D4 title or not. End Game is currently the class of the league. They boast an embarrassment of riches in the female department with Emily “I’m playing two divisions too low” Schilling and Stephanie “I get better every week” Czaja. Now, I had THREE people email me about ANOTHER girl who “looks pretty good too”, but I don’t know her name or what she’s about. If anyone can tell me, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and let me know. Hell, if this girl is reading this, SHE can email me. Anyway, End Game waltzed over Cobblestone 49-12, and they look to be in the driver’s seat for D4, with BSS charging hard. This game will be a good one, but the girl advantage wins out. END GAME BY 3

GLBS vs Puckett All-Stars (+10) – What happened to you Puckett? Was my faith in you misplaced? A 36-28 loss to Full Throttle has a preseason favorite 0-2 and at the bottom of the division. GLBS, however, is getting noticed around the fields. A 24-0 stomping of Uncle Rico’s after a close loss to End Game will do that. This truly looks like a classic matchup of two teams traveling in opposite directions right now. GLBS BY 7

End Game vs Puckett All-Stars (+14) – What a hell of a doubleheader for Puckett this week. First they get the surging GLBS, and right after they’re getting End Game. Both teams will have good battles before they meet each other, but if both teams come out healthy, End Game should be able to take this one. We can’t account for exhaustion or injuries here, so END GAME BY 10

D5:

Matty’s Angels vs Hope and Ruin (+7) – Matty’s Angels are sitting pretty atop the division at 3-0 after a close 54-46 win against Five Star Generals and a not so close win against HomeTech 56-25. There’s not much more to say about the Angels that we haven’t said before. If Matty Ice is firing on all cylinders, there’s simply too much talent from this collection of most of WNY’s best female football players to stop them. But then again, Hope and Ruin has stopped them before. Hope and Ruin comes in at 1-1 on the season after last week’s 43-26 setback against the Cunning Stunts. Whether or not they learned anything from that game against a squad of amazing women for this week’s game against a squad of amazing women remains to be seen. MATTY’S ANGELS BY 8

Come From Behind vs Over Compensators (+6) – The OC was a great TV show. The OC is a not too bad football team. Yes, they’re 0-2, but they played the Angels tough in week one, and last week they had a 23-12 loss to the Pink Pteratacos. The OC needs to work on their consistency and they’ll be fine. Come From Behind has been working on their consistency together since 1995. That came in handy for their 29-27 win against HomeTech last week. Look for that consistency to reign supreme once again. If this matchup were a little later in the season, I’d consider going the other way, but COME FROM BEHIND BY 3

Ugandan Warriors vs HomeTech (+6) – HomeTech had an 0-2 week last week, dropping a very close 29-27 contest against Come From Behind before being taken behind the wood shed by the Angels, losing 56-25. The Ugandan Warriors (not to be confused with the Ultimate Warriors, by the way) were off last week after their 33-31 loss in Week 1 to the Cunning Stunts, which was ANOTHER game falsely reported to me (They had a 31-23 UW win, for the record). Anyway, props to Blasé LaDuca, who even on his team’s off day hung out at the bar all day and made friends with everyone. Reports came flying in that he even had a HUGE plate of pasta at the outside bar. It’s good to hear Blasé assimilating (you guys can google the definition) himself to the TSL Universe more and more. UGANDAN WARRIORS BY 10

Pink Pteratacos vs Five Star Generals (+3) – Okay, after having sent more scouts out to see who the hell the Generals were, it turns out its mostly (if not all) of our old friends the Cellino Sewer Rats. Somehow, it seems they got back in with our DJ friends and got the sponsorship back! Good for them! After the dismal showing in Week 1, The Generals came out swinging at Matty’s Angels, and almost pulled the upset before losing 54-46. The Pteratacos played their first two games of the season last week, and went 2-0, beating the Over Compensators 23-12 and then beating up a bit on Vandalay Industries 40-22. This should be a great game between two teams vying for the “best non-gender team in D5” title. I know that 5 Star sits last in their division, but they’re one good win away from 4^th. FIVE STAR GENERALS BY 1

Matty’s Angels vs Pink Pteratacos (+7) – I’m not yet sure the Pteratacos will be able to slow down the Angels for two full halves yet. Playing a “should be” tough game against 5 Star just before this might prove to be too much. MATTY’S ANGELS BY 15

Cunning Stunts vs Vandalay Industries (+12) – Team Topper Lite has some great females in Melissa and Karissa, but until they get a bit more seasoning they wouldn’t even crack the Stunts’ lineup. And that’s not a knock on the “issa’s” as much as it is a compliment to the strong roster the Stunts trot out. The Stunts are on a mission to get to Matty’s Angels, and I think poor vandalay may just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. CUNNING STUNTS BY 13

D6:

The Bambs vs Practice Squad (+8) – What a big Week 3 matchup for D6! Both teams are 2-0, but one of them is just playing a bit better than the other. The Bambs have seamlessly returned to the TSL and a Week 2 36-12 victory over TMA has us feeling like they’re becoming the divisional favorites. Practice Squad, a week after squeaking out a 24-22 victory comes back to beat The Bi-Polar Express 32-25. PS doesn’t think they’ve been playing their best football yet this season, and The Bambs will represent the true test on if “this year is the year” for them. THE BAMBS BY 6

pAssless Chaps vs TMA (With Rameer Green on Drums) (+7) – These two teams don’t really like each other, as some not surprising bad blood stemming from Prim’s actions (stop me if you’ve heard this before) got the Chaps in a tizzy last year. Things got even more bitter this offseason when Valerie Testa decided to spurn the Chaps to go play with TMA, knowing she’s crossing enemy lines. However, the Chaps have an inspirational leader in Coach Jay who will convince them to turn the other cheek like a modern day Jesus Christ. The Chaps didn’t fare too well in a 47-26 loss to the Jabronies last week, but they still did better than TMA did in a 36-12 loss to The Bambs. TMA has been a mess all season and it’s only been two weeks. Allegedly, they’ll have the entire 52 man roster there this week so there shouldn’t be any “we’re missing our QB” or “we’re missing two of our best girls” excuses this time around. If the time is now for TMA, they need to focus on the two things they do best: Drink Moonshine and throw the ball to Ron Webber. The entire league is a better place when this team is happy and winning. I think this is the week they find their mojo. TMA (WITH RAMEER GREEN ON DRUMS) BY 8

The Bi-Polar Express vs TMA (EVEN) – This game should be a fun one, as two of the league’s most fun teams square off in a battle that everyone should go down and watch. We already touched on the early season struggles of TMA, so lets talk about BPX. The Express finally got their season kicked off last week, but they came up short against the Practice Squad 32-25. Gordon stayed in his yellow shirt all day, but there was a “questionable” safety call by Billy Gunn that almost let the fans see the red. BPX played well in their first game together since last season, even if they were missing a few key girls. If they can keep the good plays going, there’s a chance that they’ll be able to score a mild upset, especially if TMA falls apart in the game before. THE BI-POLAR EXPRESS BY 4

Jabronies vs The Bi-Polar Express (+8) – The Jabronies continued their nice start to the season with a 47-26 victory over the pAssless Chaps that gives them a 2-0 start and a division lead. They boast some nice talent, and they’ll be looking to capitalize on a late game against Gordon’s girls that will be full of people playing their 3^rd game of the day. JABRONIES BY 9

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

1.      Seriously, if Chadwick goes out and beats Public Enemy, Eyes Downtown has to stick with him, right? Could Bobby be out of a job?

2.      If Dave Wilbern is the Captain of the “Guys who consistently ask themselves if they should play for a different team because it feels like they’re wasting their talents on their current one” All-Stars, is Ron Webber the Co-Captain?

3.      Can we PLEASE get to June 8^th with both the Cunning Stunts and Matty’s Angels being undefeated before their big matchup? Imagine an entire team vs team bra bet! Might have to build a bigger Brall of Shame.

4.      Where’s the music been? I’ve heard several complaints that there hasn’t been enough beats bumping at the fields.

5.      Would you play another night of TSL football? Rumors are starting to surface that there *might* be some night football in the future. But you didn’t hear that from me.

10 FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

1.      One thing I’ve been told a few times: more and more TSLers are NOT drinking and driving home this season. While this was a slight issue in the past, not only are more people sobering up or Ubering home, others in the league are making people who shouldn’t be driving stay at the bar. And to their credit, people aren’t arguing it and they stay! Way to be safe TSL!

2.      While the “Big One” is ON for this week, there’s quite a few games that are going to be pretty awesome to watch. Most notably Pink Pteratacos vs Five Star Generals, Gryffindor vs A&A, and End Game vs Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers.

3.      June 1^st is the TSL Spring Party! Clear your calendars and make sure you’re at the fields for this one!

4.      The Breakfast Club continues to do it right with the inclusion of bets for each game. Kelly Liddle is 0-2 in her bra bets and I’ve been told she’ll keep doing it until she wins one. Emily Curry having to write Emily Schilling a poem was awesome. And something happened in the other game that included Travis’ underwear that we can ignore, but alcohol was also involved. I can’t wait to see what happens this week. Bern Them All 34 - EmC HammerTime 32 , Schilling ‘Em Softly 46 – Hot TaMolly’s 32 , Natural Born Kellers 25 – Peanut Butter Kelly Time 17.

5.      I know I’ve taken a lot of shots at Alex of TEIM/Sticky over the years, but its been in good fun. Groin injuries are no joke, and I truly hope he’s going to be okay. He’s a great guy from what people tell me.

6.      My early season nominees for biggest surprise and biggest disappointment so far: Surprise: All We Do Is Quinn, Disappointment: Energy Buff.

7.      Someone tell Topper to get the wheel out and spin the thing. This league is always more fun when people can win bar tabs. Or when they have to direct traffic.

8.      I’ve been often imitated but never duplicated during my years writing this column for everyone. Even still, props to “The Build” Rameer Green and “The Sentinel” (whoever they are) for putting out some high quality stuff to read at the beginning of our week.

9.      Thanks to everyone that’s been emailing me about their teams and giving me some info on them. It’s hard not being at the fields and trying to get a feel for what’s going on without an hour phone call from Lenny every week. If you want your team or a player on them to get more pub, you really just have to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . That’s all. 

10.   I’ve been seeing some cool pictures of some of the new jerseys in the league. I joked earlier, but Public Enemy’s new threads to mimic Lenny’s red visor/shirt combo was a nice touch. Multiple teams have added some form of “LTA” as well. The Pink Pteratacos look cool. So do the new American Bullet Club jerseys. If you have some cool jerseys that you think should get the shout out, send me a picture.

Go out there this weekend and have fun. Remember, its just a game.

• Prev
• Next