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I’m not entirely sure how, but we’ve made it to the halfway point of the regular season in the Spring 2019 session of the Topper Sports League! So far, so good. We had a couple of “questionable” weather weeks (remember, it snowed Week 1), but for the most part things have been pretty good on and off the field. Lenny would be proud. All of the teams in our league have played between 3-5 games, which means for some teams, they’re going to have to catch up a bit. As the weather gets hotter, its not always a good thing for teams to have doubleheaders later on in the Spring session.

Its Memorial Day weekend here at the TSL, which means two things: 1. Lots of teams won’t be showing up/asked for a bye and 2. The teams that ARE playing most likely will be missing a few players. It happens every single Spring session. And sure enough, those doubleheaders are already coming into play: ELEVEN teams will be playing double headers this week (And there’s only 25 games this time around): Bullet Club, GLBS, Public Enemy, Frodo Swaggins, Peachy Platoon, Morning Wood, Uncle Rico’s, No Punt Intended, The Bi-Polar Express, The Bambs, and Ugandan Warriors all find themselves playing twice this week. It’s a big week that will shake up every division and really separate the contenders from the pretenders.

As much as I love making the predictions, just remember that the lines are based on the teams being at full strength. And really, don’t read so much into it. I love your emails, but please, keep the focus on your players that aren’t getting recognized more than “OMG WTF YOU SAID WE’D LOSE BY 12 AND WE ONLY LOST BY 3 SO HA!” I’ll tell you right now:  Nobody cares.

So, again, keep letting me know who’s a standout on your team and email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

Onto this week:

D1 (But some people want me to really stress that this is C1):

Public Enemy vs #XTC@AB (+10) – Hey! Nick Sooch shows up, slings the rock, and Coach Jay gets his first victory of the season with a 36-30 victory over Team Topper! Public Enemy, meanwhile, kept the streak going as they snuck by Marketing Mayors 40-32. The biggest hope here is that #XTC can keep up the momentum and catch Public Enemy sleeping on a holiday weekend. PUBLIC ENEMY BY 12

Eyes Downtown vs 1 Todd Too Many (+10) – The Team Topper Train was derailed yet again with a close 36-30 loss to #XTC, followed by Tight Ends in Motion getting some revenge in a 39-6 win. This puts our hero at the bottom of the standings. Granted, 1 Todd was without most of their team, so hopefully they can get the band back together this weekend as they face a rested Eyes Downtown team. I don’t know if Bobby is back yet, or if Chadwick will continue to lead ED. If Topper doesn’t have all of his horses, well, this Memorial Day we’ll be remembering him. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 7

Public Enemy vs Tight Ends In Motion (No Line) – I can’t put a line on this game. First off, there’s still a brooding rivalry here between general loud mouth (Non Award Winning) Tommy Hughes and like, all of Tight Ends. Secondly, I don’t know who’s throwing for TEIM, as Ricky Austin lead them to a 39 – 6 win over 1 Todd Too Many in a “I can’t believe Topper beat us Week 1” revenge game. That gives TEIM a three headed QB monster between Alex, Ricky, and Seth. I think Seth gives them the best chance to beat Public Enemy, but who knows if he’s available. Expect some fireworks in this one. PUBLIC ENEMY BY 2.

D2 (Although my lawyers say that I have to acknowledge this is also C2):

Bullet Club vs Gryffindor (+3) – Gryffindor got into the winning mood this weekend after beating Money Ball 43-34 before losing later on to Energy Buff 40-28. Bullet Club ended up losing to the same Money Ball team 34-23, but word is that they “softened them up” for Gryffindor beforehand. Bullet Club has yet again shown that attendance issues are a problem, as they could only trot out Travis, Joe K, Todd, and Paul Nieman to go along with their girls. If they don’t start getting people to the games, a promising season could be ending poorly. These two teams have had some memorable battles over the years, and this weekend looks to be no different. BULLET CLUB BY 4

Bullet Club vs A&A (EVEN) – The Gordon Kus vs Matty Ice saga will write its next chapter as the two biggest non-female ‘frienemies” in the league go head to head. Will Gordon just show up to this game with a red shirt on? Will both do that weird “be overly nice to each other” thing? Who will show up for A&A? I have to assume they’ll have a packed roster for this rivalry game. Matty Ice is fresh off of his Italian vacation, and he’s recharged. This should be a barnburner. Take the over. A&A BY 3.

Title Shot vs Energy Buff (+7) – Title Shot was off last week, so it’s hard to really talk about how well they’re playing. This team of “The Ghosts of TSL Past” are out here scaring the pants off the competition. We last saw them lose a game, but that was without Dubey, who apparently only signs a 5 game per season contract. TS is still on top of the division, which is right where Energy Buff wants them. EB was the preseason favorite to win this division, but fell on some hard times to start the year. They got it together this weekend, beating Gryffindor 40-28. If they’re going to do well in D2 (C2), they had to go out and beat the weakest team in the division. They did just that. Now they have their sights set on the top of the mountain. I’m not sure they’re ready for them just yet. TITLE SHOT BY 8

D3 (However our corporate sponsors consider this R1):

Peachy Platoon vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) – I give you some of the best “Game of the Day” potential here, provided both teams all show up. Peachy has been torching the division since the Week 1 hiccup, and they’re coming off of a bye last week. Frodo Swaggins had the full crew in tow last week: Garrett, Nick, Josh, Tammy, and new signee Emily 2.0. Frodo walked up to 3^rd and Schlong last week, and slapped them in the teeth. They walked away with a relatively easy 48-35 victory that left 3AS looking for answers. These two teams both need a big win. If you’re not doing anything at 10:00, walk over to Field 3 and watch this one. PEACHY PLATOON BY 4

Frodo Swaggins vs Ultimate Warriors (+14) – Its just not a good year for the Warriors. They’re already sitting at 0-6, and 0-7 is staring them in the face. They hung tough with Quinn this week, losing 31-25. They’re getting it together late in the season, and that will make them a team you don’t want to play come playoff time. With Frodo focused on Peachy, look out for an upset here. ULTIMATE WARRIORS BY 1.

Peachy Platoon vs Morning Wood (+7) – Morning Wood showed some fight this week in a 27-16 loss to SITE. Word is that they apparently only played with 5 players, and for them not to lose by that much in this type of game is impressive. Mo Saleh and Dave look pretty good in red (we have ANOTHER red team everyone), and that’s a loss you can rally the troops around. They’re going to need everyone to show up with week as the division’s hottest team is coming to play. PEACHY PLATOON BY 10

All We Do Is Quinn vs Morning Wood (+10) – This might be the worst case scenario for ANY team in D3(R1): a double header, with no break in between, against Peachy Platoon and then All We Do Is Quinn. I don’t care how good of an athlete you think you are, you’re going to be DEAD TIRED after running with these squads for two hours. Quinn continued to do Quinn things this week, getting by the Ultimate Warriors 31-25. They tend to play better later in the day anyway. I feel bad for Morning Wood this week. That’s a rough draw. I can’t see them being energized enough to play through two hours of this madness. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 14

D4 (But a court order from the State of Iowa tells me I must acknowledge this is also R2):

Buffalo Solar Solutions vs End Game (Even) – Well, what a difference a week makes. BSS was on fire in their division and were really looking like they were the favorites to win the title. Then they ran into Uncle Rico’s and lost 48-38. Okay, it was a good game and BSS was a little off. But then they ran into GLBS and lost again, 46-25. I don’t know if they were shaken up from the first loss, but if you’re going to contend for this title, you need to win one of those two. End Game is still reeling from losing Emily Schilling, and the fact that it appears they’re not thrilled that the guys on the team don’t get enough publicity on the site. Until someone learns who the hell any male on that team is, they’ll continue to seem like they only stars on the team are the girls. Why? Because they ARE. End Game did win last week, 23-12 against Full Throttle, winning a game they should’ve won. This game is huge for both sides, as both could definitely use the high profile win. Right now, I think End Game is hungier to prove they’re more than just a bunch of talented girls. END GAME BY 8

Indecent Exposure vs Full Throttle (+4) – Full Throttle always feels like they’re on the edge of breaking out in this division, and then before you know it they blow a game they really needed. They had two shots at a signature win, but the 23-12 loss to End Game and the 35-16 loss to Hung Buffalo prove that they have some work to do if they’re to be considered “in the hunt” for the title. Enter Indecent Exposure, a staple of the TSL that had some trouble of their own last week in the form of a 35-12 loss to GLBS. This game is big for both teams, as a loss by either could put them on the outside looking in of the playoff picture. I think both teams have similar defenses, but Indecent Exposure boasts a better offense. Look for Josh and company to pull out a win. INDECENT EXPOSURE BY 7

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers vs Puckett All-Stars (+14) – Uncle Rico’s is DESPERATE for attention, as though they haven’t already gotten some from me. Well, I definitely have to give them even more attention after last week’s statement win against Buffalo Solar Solutions 48-38. They also went out and did what good teams are supposed to do, and beat Cobblestone 44-24. Uncle Rico’s find themselves at 5-1 in the division, sitting at the top of what is our most competitive division. Granted, they played one more game than Hung Buffalo and End Game, who are right on their heels. Puckett All-Stars don’t feel like the team they used to be (which tells me that chances are they aren’t), and their 1-3 record just feels wrong every time I look at it. They were off last week, so here’s hoping they regrouped and are refocused coming into the season’s second half. Catching a potentially too cocky Uncle Rico’s could do wonders for them. UNCLE RICO’S TIME TRAVELERS BY 14

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers vs No Punt Intended (+10) – File No Punt Intended in the same “not as good as they once were” folder as some of the other teams in this league. Kyle Coniff hasn’t been able to find the answers for his squad just yet, and right now they just feel lukewarm and “just kind of there” in this league. Uncle Rico’s is seriously staring down 7-1 and if they don’t slip up this week, they know they can win the regular season title. Hopefully we’ll get the NPI of old and have an awesome game. But, they have to prove it before I can believe in them again. UNCLE RICO’S TIME TRAVELERS BY 14

Hung Buffalo vs GLBS (EVEN) – Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, if you’re around the fields at 2:00pm this week, get yourself to Field 2 and watch two of the hottest teams in all of the TSL square off against each other. Hung Buffalo is more than “Just a smart veteran team” as they’re putting up points on everyone. I’m sure it’s because everyone is too scared of Kate to actually cover her. She’s still terrifying. Hung Buffalo slapped around the teams you’d expect a title contender to beat, getting by Full Throttle 35-16 and then Cobblestone 26-14. Hung Buffalo looks to be the most dialed in team in the entire TSL right now. Except for GLBS, that is. GLBS took my words to heart it feels, and showed me, and the league, that OH BOY THEY SURE CAN SCORE. Glenn, Rachel, and Jay (they’re the only ones Ive been told about) are doing work, and they earned every bit of their wins against Buffalo Solar Solutions  (46-25) and Indecent Exposure (35-12). GLBS made a statement that they’re a contender last week, and this game is absolutely a “prove it” game for BOTH teams. HUNG BUFFALO BY 1

GLBS vs No Punt Intended (+8) – I already touched on both of these teams. Its going to come down to if NPI can solve the best defense in the division or not. I can’t believe they will yet. GLBS BY 14

D5 (There are Alien Overlords that DEMAND we refer to this as R3 though too):

Matty’s Angels vs Come From Behind (+14) – A week without the Angels and their record setting scoring pace is just a world I don’t want to live in. However, they’re back, and they take on Come From Behind, who lost to the Five Star Generals 42-31 last week. While the Angels boast some of the league’s most fun girls, they still don’t have Molly and Leslie, so they don’t have the top two. As much as we all love CFB, I just can’t imagine they’ll be able to keep up with the speed of the Angels. MATTY’S ANGELS BY 20

Five Star Generals vs Ugandan Warriors (EVEN) – This matchup should be a good one. Both teams average 30 points per game on offense and while the Generals aren’t as good defensively (according to the ALBA metrics) they have some nice momentum on their side, as evidenced in their 42-31 victory against CFB last weekend. The defense got torched by the Stunts in a 52-30 loss however. So its going to depend on how the defense for Five Star works against Ugandan. The Warriors (who are going to have to change their name because this Ugandan Warriors vs Ultimate Warriors thing is so annoying) beat up on the Over Compensators last week, 33-7. Blasé LaDuca has his squad focused, and they should be considered a threat for the title. I need to see a little bit more from them before I think they can stop Matty’s though. UGANDAN WARRIORS BY 7

Cunning Stunts vs Over Compensators (+15) – The Stunts got back on track last week, notching wins against Five Star (52-30) and HomeTech (26-1). Joey Batts actually looked like a QB, allegedly, and the girls just rolled to some wins as they try to keep pace in the division. The Over Compensators started out with a bit of promise this season, but its been trending mostly downhill for them. A 33-7 loss to Ugandan dropped them to 0-4, and they’re only scoring 18 points a game, which is the worst in the TSL. The defense isn’t bad, but if you can’t score, you can’t keep up with the Stunts. CUNNING STUNTS BY 17

Vandalay Industries vs HomeTech (+11) – I love HomeTech. I always have. I can’t believe Lenny isn’t here, because he may have been the only person to know if HomeTech is the ONLY team to have scored 1 point in a game in TSL history. A 26-1 loss to the Stunts provided that. QB Austin Weber improves weekly, but there’s still a little bit to be done here. Vandalay boasts a roster that would make any Universal Sub List jealous. They’re sitting at 1-3, fresh off a 47-38 loss to Hope N Ruin.  Team Topper Light is full of smart players that know what to do, just sometimes their bodies are unable to actually do it. They’re going to have to win this one if they hope to make any noise this season. HOMETECH BY 3

Ugandan Warriors vs Hope N Ruin (EVEN) – I’m giving the Warriors another game with no line, essentially, because I want them to show me something this week. Hope N Ruin is having an up and down season so far. Currently, they’re on the upswing with a 47-38 win over vandalay. Does that mean they’re due for a downswing this week? I’m going to play the trend here and say yes. Erica needs to get her squad consistent, and fast. UGANDAN WARRIORS BY 2

D6 (However, some indigenous peoples call this R4):

Practice Squad vs TMA (+7) – TMA was off last week, so here’s hoping they’ll be keeping with the positive trend they showed us two weeks ago. (Moonshine helps). Practice Squad, well, they were also off last week. They’re sitting at 3-0, and look to boast a better offense and defense than TMA. But TMA’s numbers are skewed from the first two weeks. Bottom line, this game is a preview for what should be a crazy playoff run in the division. Practice Squad, to me, feels like the more consistent team right now. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 4

The Bambs vs Jabronies (EVEN) – Potential championship preview here! Both of these teams were off last week, as was all of the division actually, and it’ll be interesting to see which of these two teams can keep their momentum going. The Bambs did lose to Practice Squad already, but there’s a good chance they learned from that one. Jabronies haven’t had a tough test yet this season. THE BAMBS BY 5

The Bi-Polar Express vs pAssless Chaps (+7) – I can’t really consider the Chaps a favorite in any game just yet. Reports are they look incredibly disjointed and have some work to do (besides Ricky). Coach Jay is doing his best, but it doesn’t seem like his sage words are being heeded. BPX looks to retool after the bye week and if they’re going to get on the winning track, this is it. THE BI-POLAR EXPRESS BY 8

The Bambs vs The Bi-Polar Express (+8) – The Bambs aren’t quite pAssless Chaps here. Look for Bi-Polar to struggle a bit more here than they would an hour earlier. THE BAMBS BY 10

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

1.      Will it rain? The forecast hasn’t been looking too kind for everyone in the Buffalo area.

2.      What teams will take control of their divisions? Big weeks are in store for Uncle Rico’s, GLBS, Peachy Platoon, and Bullet Club. Whether it’s a good big week or the bad big week remain to be seen.

3.      WHY DID TOPPER UPDATE THE WHEEL OF HOPE TO NOT SPIN IT?!?!?!!?

4.      WHERE’S THE PODCAST JOE K?

5.      Who has the best jerseys in the league? The answer is simple: Cobblestone. They unveiled some amazing Lenny jerseys this week that deserve to be in some art museum.

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1.      Can the Ugandan Warriors and the Ultimate Warriors PLEASE play a game where the loser of the contest has to change their name? It’s causing scheduling errors!

2.      Shout out to the refs. While they aren’t perfect, they’re more than willing to admit mistakes and check with other refs/Rameer if they’re incorrect on something.

3.      Lots of good games this week. If you’re going to be at the fields all day, here’s the “Where to be” schedule: 9:00 – Field 2 for Hot TaMolly’s vs Bern Them All, 10:00 – Field 3 for Peachy Platoon vs Frodo Swaggins, 11:00 – Field 2 for Bullet Club vs A&A, 12:00 –  Field 1 for Tight Ends In Motion vs Public Enemy, 1:00 – Field 5 for Jabronies vs The Bambs, 2:00 –Field 2 for Hung Buffalo vs GLBS, 3:00 – Field 2 for Ugandan Warriors vs Hope N Ruin.

4.      Speaking of Breakfast Club: EmC HammerTime 31 - Natural Born Kellers 23, Hot TaMolly’s 24 – Bern Them All 22, Schilling Em Softly 40 – Peanut Better Kelly Time 25.

5.      Don’t think we didn’t notice that 3^rd and Schlong barely beat the Ultimate Warriors (40-39) before getting beat up by Frodo Swaggins (48-35). And we know its because 40 year plan guy was missing.

6.      Coach Jay wins! He improves to 1-12 on the season!

7.      Props to teams that are properly using the Universal Sub List. Remember, if you’re short a player, USE IT. There’s some talent there.

8.      I’m most excited to see the result of the Buffalo Solar Solutions vs End Game game. Honestly, if you don’t want to watch Bullet Club and A&A potentially kill each other, you should watch this game at 11:00 on Field 4.

9.      If you have a player that is killing it in this league and nobody is talking about them, EMAIL ME. It’s difficult for me to find new stars when Lenny isn’t here calling me. I’d come to the fields but it’s a long drive from Des Moines people. Help me out.

10.   Speaking of new standout players: Pink Pteratacos has a female (Allegedly named Jamie or Jaime or Jamy) who wears #55 that looks like a future STUD in this league according to multiple reports. Looks like Mark found someone to be a game changer for his squad.

Have fun out there this weekend, and enjoy your holiday. Wear Sunscreen. Only buy alcohol from the bar. Yada yada yada telegram. GODFATHER OUT.

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