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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE TSL UNIVERSE!

 

WE’RE BACK!

 

For the second time in a month, the Topper Sports League began play in its #TSL2020 season! After a brief, two week hiatus, we re-acquired the proper paperwork and WNY’s greatest co-ed touch football league is playing.

 

It wasn’t the best, having to wait two more weeks to play some games, but the important thing is that we’ve officially restarted the race to co-ed football immortality! Thank you again to everyone that helped make our dreams a reality. The weather was nice, the football was even better (for most of you, anyway), and we got things back on track.

 

It really was a downer to have Topper tell me we were going “radio silent” last week, as I always try to write this article to keep the 7 people who read it entertained. It’s good to be back. Again.

 

Sadly, all of the nonsense and noise really puts a hold on Week 5 storylines. They’re developing, however slowly. If you have something to say or hype about your team, as always, you can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Please do!

 

There wasn’t too much to report from my investigative team last week, but I will say thank you to Brent McKenzie of TMA, as he caused me to have to Google what a “baby bird” is. This league is something else man.

 

But, the TSLQBPRC is back with some points lines fresh off the press, so it’s time to make some picks. Even if we do only have 2 games in 4 weeks to base them off of. And off to the games we go. . . .

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Marketing Mayors 33, Why So Serious? 19

Public Enemy 27, Gryffindor 21

Eyes Downtown 46, Tight Ends In Motion 29

 

Three games, and they all end up with the expected results. Eyes Downtown, Public Enemy, and Marketing Mayors have been the top of D1 for a long time now. While most people (correctly) feel that the rest of the division is catching up to them, a long time off and a lack of a spring session caused everyone else to stagnate a bit. Why So Serious got off to a bad start, and I’m scared to say that Pete might not be the answer to the QB question, AND THAT’S THE BEST THING FOR THEM. Pete, a former Best Tommy Hughes winner, is a fantastic WR in this league and while he may want to play QB, its best for him to catch the TDs instead of throwing them. Eyes Downtown showed up looking a little bit different, as Jeremy Burr was ON FIRE. Bobby still looks like he’s the best QB in the league, and it seems like they added Mike Radon as well, which means his OnlyFans account didn’t go as well as he had hoped during Covid. Gryffindor apparently looks like a relatively new version of itself, adding some fresh faces. Joey played pretty well surprisingly (smaller people rust faster) but they still couldn’t keep up with Mike Boccio, who looks great in his 24th year.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Public Enemy vs Marketing Mayors (+1) – Both teams are not far removed from D1 championships. Both teams look to be clicking with all of the distractions. The Mayors are a little more athletic, PE has the better QB. This is a very underrated game, but I heard that perhaps both sides are going to have some roster issues. It’s hard to bet against the champs, but look for an early season upset, if you can call it that. MARKETING MAYORS BY 3

 

Gryffindor vs Why So Serious? (+11) – If Pete plays QB again, take Gryffindor covering. If he plays WR, I’m not sure if he can be covered. Although, I’d take Gryffindor, but not covering the spread here. Joey may have some new players, but he’s going to continue to lean on the people he knows until he gets more comfortable. This is a good game for them to figure stuff out. GRYFFINDOR BY 6

 

Eyes Downtown vs Marketing Mayors (+3) – I don’t know what the Mayors did to Topper, but to schedule the league’s hardest possible doubleheader is rough. You hate to see it. The Mayors will be coming off a hard fought game against PE just to be handed to the buzz saw that is Eyes Downtown. Fatigue might be a problem here. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 10

 

Public Enemy vs Tight Ends In Motion (+9) – Tight Ends always uses this game as a measuring stick. It just feels like they play harder against PE. A full squad PE handles this with no problem, but a squad missing some people on their second game? TEIM pulls the upset for the biggest win in their history. TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION BY 7

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Slytherin That End Zone 31, Bullet Club 28

Jabronies 37, HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO 36

Peachy Platoon 25, Sticky Bandits 18

DILF’s 28, Morning Wood 15

Sticky Bandits 36, HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO 28

 

The league’s closest division this season is right here in D2. Good games up and down the line. Starting with HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO, last year’s top seed, looking like this year’s bottom seed in the playoffs. While most people got in better shape during the quarantine, Topper was not on that list, and that combined with a lot of key roster losses has lead to a rough start for our fearless leader. The only thing that SITE vs BC had more of than touchdowns was interceptions. Slytherin went down big in the first half, only to make a pretty nice comeback over Bullet Club in the second half. Remember when Morning Wood was going to go undefeated? The Dilf’s sure didn’t, handing Morning Wood that all too familiar losing feeling. Sticky Bandits handled Team Topper with a win, but it’s the loss to Peachy Platoon that’s going to sting them the most. After taking the lead with a Dr. Christine touchdown with 2 minutes to play, Dean casually tossed the game winning touchdown on the first play of the next series. However, there’s some unexpected breaking news coming out of Peachyville. . .

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Peachy Platoon vs Jabronies (+5) – DEAN THOMPSON IS OUT FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON!!. Regular TSL correspondent Josh Thompson broke the news to me in email form this week: Dean is just really good at everything ever, and as a result his job wants him to work Saturdays with a cool promotion. Good for Dean, good for D2. Josh also reports that they have a QB of the future already in line, and they’re comfortable knowing he’s behind center. Even still, it’s impossible to replace the TSL’s version of Lamar Jackson. Peachy’s title hopes take a hit, but they’re still a top contender. Oh, the Jabronies are in this game too, fresh off their one point win against Team Topper. They’re coming along nicely, but I’m not sure they’re able to keep up with the Platoon, Dean or not. PEACHY PLATOON BY 3

 

Dilfs vs Bullet Club (EVEN) – A rematch from the D2 championship last year, where the Dilfs won by a slim margin in a fun game. I’d expect a bit more of the same here, with a fun back and forth contest. The Dilf’s haven’t much of a warm up just yet, but as usual Katie Keller is already doing Katie Keller things, with a pretty spectacular one handed TD last week. Bullet Club beat Peachy with Ricky at QB, and then watched Jeff Easton throw away last week’s game against SITE with 4 Interceptions after taking a two score lead. I don’t think there’s a QB controversy just yet if that’s how things are going to go. Bullet Club wins this game if Ricky plays, they lose if Jeff plays. It’ll be interesting to see which QB trots onto the field this week. BULLET CLUB BY 3 WITH RICKY, DILFS BY 7 WITH EASTON.

 

Slytherin That End Zone vs HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO (+12) – How the mighty have fallen. Topper already lost to Mo this season, and now he’s staring at losing to Gary as well? He might retire right there, on the spot if that happens. SITE gave away the game to Bullet Club early, as Newman threw three interceptions and wasn’t very good. Luckily, that SITE D is VERY good and kept getting the ball back too. If SITE feats on ducks like that, it could be a big day for Gary and Co. We’re not entirely sure Topper can throw over Coach Jay, so it’ll be GREAT if Coach Jay rushes Topper. Just saying. SITE BY 10

 

Sticky Bandits vs Morning Wood (+1) – I don’t love this line. Sticky beat the Dilf’s Week 1, who handily beat MW last week. I think it’s a little too close. Mike Thomas has really settled into his own, and in the email Josh from Peachy sent me, he went out of his way to talk about how nice Jeff Krol is, but more importantly how much better at football Dr. Christine is than Jeff. She was awesome last week, and it’ll be interesting to see if MW has any females that can keep up with them, other than Rachel Parker. STICKY BANDITS BY 12

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

All We Do Is Quinn 45, Vaspian 20

En Fuego 20, Scared Hitless 17

Scared Hitless 22, Vaspian 14

Grey Hair 41, The Untouchaballs 30

D3/D4 Crossover game: Frodo Swaggins 68, Family Feud 41

 

 

Vaspian had some really bright shirts, but they may be the lone bright spot of the season so far. After getting beat up on by AWDIQ, they went back onto the field much more determined against Hitless. . . and lost again. The season is young, of course, but that can’t be the best of signs. Grey Hair Don’t Care went out and smacked the Untouchaballs, which is exactly what they should’ve done in that game. Dark horse championship contender right there. En Fuego got a win against Scared Hitless as well, although it seems they were more concerned with the referees over their opponents. Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: Matt Kieta and a referee have words and an issue. At least he didn’t get beat up this time. But seriously, abuse of officials is the fastest way to get kicked out of this league. Especially for a repeat offender. Calm it down man, Ive heard nothing but good things about you since the last incident. Don’t ruin that. And in the Crossover game, Scotty Dro decided to score a bunch, so he did. 68 points in fact. Frodo might want to be worried about that 41 allowed though.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins vs All We Do Is Quinn (+2) – Here’s a good matchup. Both teams elbow dropped their competition this season in the D3/D4 crossover games. This could very well be a preview of the D3 final. Garrett Beesing still has tremendous hands and is hard to cover. Quinn boasts a very talented roster, even with the losses they’ve had. Rawdog can’t cover Garrett, so it’ll be interesting to see who Quinn puts on him. It’s a close matchup, but give me the team with the better QB every time. SCOTTY SWAGGINS BY 10

 

En Fuego vs The Untouchaballs (+4) – The Untouchaballs still haven’t done much in their TSL careers, but its still early. En Fuego got a nice win to get them on track in the division, so let’s just hope they keep their heads in the game on the field and not on the sidelines. EN FUEGO BY 13

 

Grey Hair Don’t Care vs Scared Hitless (+7) – THIS IS FUN. The rivalry is on as these two teams that were formed when End Game divorced in the offseason clash in a fun battle. Brandon Farr took a good chunk of the roster to start Scared Hitless, but it seems they forgot they need a quarterback (and no, current guy isn’t the answer, sorry guys). Meanwhile, Grey Hair replaced the players they lost with better versions of the players that left. Some are younger too. Hitless still needs to figure it out a bit to win this one. GREY HAIR BY 12

 

D3/D4 Crossover game:

Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian (+4) – Well, there’s a really, really good chance that the Stunts break the trend of “D3 team stomps D4 team in this game”. CUNNING STUNTS BY 17

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Buffalo Solar Solutions 46, Cunning Stunts 37

The Angels 35, Uncle Rico’s 32

Over Compensators 36, Freeballers 25

 

How about Buffalo Solar? I don’t want to call this a “signature” win by any means, but that’s a pretty great result for them. Getting a win over the Stunts is huge, regardless of which girls were and weren’t there. The Angels seem, well, mortal without Matty Ice. I’m sure Bobby is a great guy and stuff for them to have, but the Angels just seem to be missing that “Matty after 5 shots” swagger that would routinely lead them to 60 points a game. Maybe they’re just rounding into form though. Uncle Rico’s comes close to the upset that wouldn’t have been an upset. Finally, the OC gets a nice win in D4 at the expense of the Freeballers. 40 year plan guy has put together a nice squad it seems, and it’ll be fun to watch them figure it out.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers vs Family Feud And Some Dudes (+17) – The battle of the teams who have way too long names and I’m just going to stop typing them out eventually! Uncle Rico’s has already made their claim to the D4 title, and it’s a good one. They have potentially the best male in the division with Chris Nelson, and arguably the best female that isn’t on a gender team full of D1 girls in Jackee Thompson. QB Timmy has made strides in recent seasons as well, and things just keep trending up for them. Family Feud is a new team as far as I know (as they won’t email me to tell me, jerks), and while they put up some points on Frodo, they allowed 68. They need to figure that defense out, and fast. UNCLE RICOS BY 20

 

The Angels vs Over Compensators (+10) – A battle of current champions here as the D4 champs take on the D5 champs from last season. I don’t quite know what to make of the OC this season, but they did a good job in beating the Freeballers last week. Whatever they do, they need to schedule the makeup game with En Fuego, please. The Angels, as I said earlier, feel “off” without Matty. Usually they’d score 35 points in a half. Playing a gender team is always about the girl TDs, so if the OC wants to pull off the upset, they’ll need some stellar play from their females. STEP OUT AT THE 1 GUYS. THE ANGELS BY 12

 

Buffalo Solar Solutions vs Freeballers (+2) – I think I’d bet this line in Vegas. BSS feels much more polished as a team right now, and they’re riding the high of the win over the Stunts. FB is learning, we know that, and they’re figuring it out as a team. They have a relatively new QB in Boy George, they’re saddled with Scott Klussman, and the rest of the guys on the team are from the usual 2-7 teams, so nobody here really knows what it takes to win. Not yet anyway. They’re up and coming. You can tell because 40 year plan guy has yet to email me talking about how great they are. They *do* have an impressive female roster for sure. I’m sure blackmail was involved for that to happen. BUFFALO SOLAR SOLUTIONS BY 10

 

Cunning Stunts vs Family Feud (+10) – The best chance FF had was for the Stunts to have won last week. Now, with a loss to BSS underneath them, Joey Batts and Co will be more focused than ever to avoid a repeat of that loss. CUNNING STUNTS BY 14

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Mountain Dew Me 37, ILF 12

Practice Squad 32, PTERATACOS 22

Intentional Pounding 39, TOX 35

Cobblestone 39, Zack Attack 14

 

Hey Cobblestone! That’s a great win, so clearly Darryl was there throwing dimes. Zack Attack got their bell rung in this one, but I still believe that they’ll make some waves in this division. Practice Squad did what they expected to do and beat the Pteratacos. Ho hum. Mountain Dew Me ran all over the Falcons, it was a McGregor family marathon as the various blonde dudes just did WORK over ILF. They’ve settled in quite nicely. The best game of the day is seeing the new Keller Squad get a win over Team Topper 2 in TOX. A really nice back and forth game here, with Scott Keller apparently picking off Topper after “flashing” him? Yeah, I saw The Sentinel say that one. It’s hilarious. More people read my article, so I had to get more eyes on that gem.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Cobblestone vs Pteratacos (+1) – This is a game pitting very similar teams for sure. While the guys are about the same, Pteratacos have the edge in females. But of course Cobblestone has the edge at QB. I think the combined age of the starting QB’s is just over 157 years old. This should be a fun, high scoring affair. In the end, the hair wins out. COBBLESTONE BY 7

 

Mountain Dew Me vs TOX (+22) – MDM is taking the division by storm, and they’re looking like the biggest challengers to Practice Squad this season. The McGregor Brothers may all look the same, but its clear that Jordan is the standout. I think. Anyway, Cody is the one that throws the ball, I know that much. And they’re all ridiculously fast. TOX is the opposite of MDM, they’re loaded with more veteran talent than youth. They don’t believe in things like “speed” across the board. They do have the brains to play the game the right way, and many a time has brains defeated brawn. This looks like a mismatch, for sure. MOUNTAIN DEW ME BY 17

 

Zack Attack vs Intentional Pounding (+11) – The numbers aren’t kind to the Keller clan. After a feel good win, it may be right back to reality for the TSL’s #1 family. Zack Attack laid and egg last week, and I don’t think a single person on that team was okay with it. They’ll be looking to get back on track this weekend in spectacular fashion. ZACK ATTACK BY 14

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Graves Bros 20, TMA 14

The BiPolar Express 40, Tater Tots 24

The Bambs 44, Lenny’s Ladies 28

 

Graves Bros and TMA met in a pretty close battle that was a bit low scoring. There were quite a few great defensive plays on both sides, be it rushing, interceptions, or just good coverage. The QB’s were off on both sides all day, but I think a rushing Gronk really befuddled the TMA QB. BPX got by the Tater Tots as the Non-Award Winning Tommy Hughes stepped in this week for Gordon. The offense was humming in that one. The Bambs took advantage of a Lenny’s Ladies team defense that’s still working on figuring things out. Even when The Bambs got in trouble in their own end, usually a deep ball ended up giving them a key big play.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Blitzkrieg vs Lenny’s Ladies (+12) – Blitzkrieg is looking to capitalize on their Week 1 start, and this may be the right matchup for them to keep that up. It’s awesome that we have another gender team in the TSL, but as we’ve learned with BiPolar, it takes a season or two for the girls who aren’t used to playing certain positions to understand what’s going on. It’s a learning process for sure. All of the reports point to the Ladies being talented, that’s for sure. Regardless, if QB Alex calls a good game, BK should walk away with this one. BLITZKRIEG BY 10

 

PC Plumbing vs TMA (+9) – I’m not exactly sure why PC Plumbing would be given that high of a line against TMA, but here we are. PC boasts the best girl in the matchup with Katie Swanson, but TMA has the better compliment of guys, lead by Brian Ferger, who according to one source is “always open”. The QB’s are about the same, and perhaps both need to work on scanning the field a little bit better. I think the TMA defense is better overall, however, and that should give them the edge. TMA BY 3

 

Graves Bros vs The BiPolar Express (+3) – Which QB will BPX see? Graves Bros had a nice win over TMA, but they didn’t score nearly as much as they should’ve in that contest. Are we starting to see some offensive woes from them? They’ll need to do a bit better on that side of the ball if they want to keep pace with the BPX girls, who are led by Cat Peters. This should be a fun contest. THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS BY 7

 

The Bambs vs Tater Tots (+13) – The Tots are very, very much improved this year, but The Bambs seem to be taking a hold of the division. In both games this season, The Bambs relied on the long ball to hit some nice touchdowns. They’re hard to defend against, and even when you think you have them pinned down, they break for a long score. I don’t think the Tots’ D is ready for that challenge just yet. THE BAMBS BY 15

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. Will the police come again? Word is that the Lancaster Police and the Health Department are considering starting their own team if they’re going to be called there every week anyway.

 

2. Will Morning Wood ever win again? After Mo declared they’d go undefeated, they have yet to win a game.

 

3. Will people remember to exit on the other side of the fields this week? The biggest “issue”, if you can even call it that, is people not realizing that you can’t leave the fields the same way you came in and they get redirected. We’ll all catch on soon, I’m sure.

 

4. What storylines will start to emerge? The biggest shame of the #TSL2020 season has been that the main storyline has been just getting the season to get going after all. With that finally settled, what stars are going to show up and make things interesting?

 

5. Who’s going to get their makeup games in? Seriously, we have some time to get these games in at 9 and 4. Work with your fellow captains and get these straightened out. The sooner the better, please.

 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1. Please remember that YES, you’ll have to sign into the Topper Sports Covid App each and every week.

 

2. The whispers of the TSL Indoor Winter League are growing louder.

 

3. It was a weird week without being able to read the weekly media from the TSL that isn’t this article. It’s funny how much I look forward to the QB Power Rankings, The Sentinel, and listening to the podcast each week.

 

4. Games of the Week: Public Enemy vs Marketing Mayors, Dilfs vs Bullet Club, Grey Hair vs Scared Hitless, Buffalo Solar vs Free Ballers, Cobblestone vs Pteratacos, PC Plumbing vs TMA.

 

5. Teams trending up: Mountain Dew Me, Slytherin That End Zone, The Bambs, Buffalo Solar Solutions

 

6. Teams trending down: Tight Ends In Motion, TMA, Vaspian, Peachy Platoon

 

7. Has anyone seen B’s Brother? Seriously.

 

8. Maybe we’ll have a winter wine tournament, complete with wine slushies. Who’s in?

 

9. It always seems to be someone’s birthday each week. I really hope Brent is okay. Someone needs to mail me a piece of cake.

 

10. Again, thank you to everyone who came out of the woodwork to help with the league with our issues the last few weeks. It truly shows how much the league means to each and every one of you. You’re the reason Topper does what he does in working so hard to keep this league running as smoothly as possible.

 

The weather is looking to be about 80 degrees tomorrow, so wear your sunscreen, and have a ton of fun out there. I can’t wait to hear about how Saturday goes down. Email me, let me know.

 

I’ll be looking for the cut.

 

-GF

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