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And just like that, we’re off. That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality is on! Week 1 is in the books, and it gave us everything we wanted and more! There were close games, there were blowouts, there were ambulances, there were suspensions, there was the surprise that neither of the last two things were related to the Wet Uptowns vs Eyes Downtown game in any way, there was Joey Batts not answering B’s Brother’s request for a way to the fields on Facebook, the weather was hot, Field 5 wasn’t that terrible besides a rock here and there, and lots of teams had fun. 

 

There were quite a lot of things going on, and as usual it’s on me to sort out what’s really happening after the first week of TSL action. Don’t forget that the results of Week 1 tend to have next to no effect on the outcomes of Championship Saturday. Teams could’ve just been missing players last week, teams could’ve been getting new players used to their system (most TSL teams don’t have mandatory two-a-day practice sessions like Bobby does for Eyes Downtown), etc. There’s enough proof out there that a bad Week 1 doesn’t mean it’s the end for your season already. But a good Week 1 can be the beginning of your Story of Immortality. Who had a good start? Who had a bad one? 

 

GOOD NOT BAD

 

 

• Select showed up as a new team, got through some uh, challenging times during both of their games, and ended up 2-0 on the day with two 1-point victories over the GirthQuakes and Vaspian.

• Wet Bandits start off 2-0, and score a lot of points in doing so as they continue looking for the championship they haven’t won for over a calendar year now. 

• Vaspian is 1-1, but they were an inch away from starting 2-0 and being on top of D4. 

• Sticky Laces jumped out to a 2-0 record in D6 after a trying first season. 

• Day By Day (Just Joshing) continued their rising trend from last season with a blowout win. 

• Power Puffs lay the smack down on multiple candy asses, unleash new secret weapon on the league, start off 2-0. 

• The Malones easily win their first game in D2, whispers about why they were scared of D1 already beginning. 

• Wanderers do Wanderers things, start off 2-0 and seem poised to finally win that title. Of course if Week 1 decided the champions, they’d have 3 titles already. 

• Can’t Touch This is 1-1, but had a close, 5 point loss against Frodo in a Crossover game. 

• Freeballers show they have guts, move up to D1 without Sean (who is going #1 in TSL fantasy drafts on espn.com) and lose to the defending champs. But only by 8 points, proving they belong. (And they didn’t have Hogan throwing, but that may have helped.)

 

 

NOT GOOD NOT BAD

 

 

• The Jabronies are 1-1, beating TAST but couldn’t hang with the Wanderers. Bad Klecker (not to be confused with Good Klecker, the QB everyone likes) may need to sacrifice a potted plant once again.

• Practice Squad gets a great win to start the year, but also it was against 5 people. 

• Cunning Stunts kill a team. Typical. 

• Two Tuddies change QBs, get a win over fierce rival Not So Sticky, but they’ve played them enough that it isn’t impressive. 

• Spinelli’s Plumbing put up 38 points in their return, but also allowed 50. 

• D1/D2 Crossover Games have D1 at 2-0 so far this season, but results were split in that one game was very close and the other wasn’t. The Malones are coming. 

 

 

BAD NOT GOOD

 

 

• TMA moves back to D6, promptly gets stomped. 

• Bullet Club is the first team to allow 100 points this session, dropping to 0-2 very quickly. 

• PWI makes a grand entrance to D3 with only 5 players, proving what everyone already knows: women just want to avoid being around Colorado Mike at all costs. 

• Cobblestone starts off 0-2, looks to be crumbling from the outside, Darryl Carr QB Superstar wants to knock down the roster and rebuild, people won’t let him. He can only do so much. 

• Jeremy Burr didn’t play last week, which isn’t good for anyone. 

• Eyes Downtown 0-1 again, under .500 for their last 10 games, considering changes at QB and DL. 

• Jeff Krol worries more about moving into his new mansion and parenting over updating the website poll, Topper rumored to return to power. 

 

 

And there you have it, that’s where the TSL stands currently after an exciting first week. What does Week 2 hold? Let’s find out. 

 

D1

 

Last Week’s Games

 

Sticky Bandits 37, Freeballers 29

Wet Bandits 39, Eyes Downtown 34

 

All of the Bandits got wins last week in D1 games, but more importantly they were close games, which bodes well for the future of the division. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Wet Bandits vs Frodo Swaggins (+7) - Frodo got their win back over CTT in a Crossover game last week as a nice tune-up, but it’s time to see if this version of the team is up to the test of the top D1 teams, or if they’re still a step behind. WET BANDITS BY 13

D1/D2 CROSSOVER CORNER!

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins 34, Can’t Touch This 29

Wet Bandits 57, Grey Hair Don’t Care 22

 

D1 is leading the season series 2-0. 

Frodo Swaggins lost to CTT last year in the crossover games, but snuck out a win this time around, as Can’t Touch This continues to show they can probably be a pretty good D1 team if they keep it up. The Wet Bandits beat up on a returning Grey Hair Don’t Care, playing their second game of the day, in the heat. Not the best way to start things off for them. 

 

This Week’s Games: 

 

Sticky Bandits vs The Malones (+3) - YES YES YES, ABSOLUTELY YES. Not only do we get The Malones playing a D1 game, they get the DEFENDING CHAMPS RIGHT AWAY. After wondering for so long if The Malones can keep up with the best teams in the TSL, we get to see them go against the reigning champs. What fun! Game of the Day is right here. If you’re not playing at 10, you should be watching this game. THE MALONES BY 2

 

Frodo Swaggins vs The Untouchaballs (+6) - So right after we get a Sticky - Malones matchup, we’re gifted a Garrett vs Jeremy Burr QB Battle? Thank you scheduling gods! I don’t love that UT didn’t play a game yet this season together, but they’re getting Frodo on the back half of a double header too? There’s rumors of this being the end for The Untouchaballs after this season, so expect them to go extra hard all season. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 8

 

Freeballers vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (EVEN) - In a matchup that once sounded like a ‘pretty okay’ D2 game that would happen at 3:00 on Field 4, we get a matchup SOAKING in intrigue and drama. The Freeballers won D2 last year with Dave Eickhoff throwing darts around the field and his offense (which was more than just “throw it high to Sean) was the change the FB needed to win it all. And then he left them for Grey Hair to return to the TSL after a season off. A rusty Hogan, Eickhoff knowing how to pick apart the defense of the team he just played for, and Garbacz there to make a crucial bad call that makes a Keita or two flip out? Stick this directly into my veins. FREEBALLERS BY 1

 

Eyes Downtown vs Scared Hitless (+10) - This game doesn’t really have the flair the others do, but don’t let that fool you, it’ll be a good game. Just two months ago these two met in a Crossover game that Eyes Downtown won 34-28, so Scared Hitless can absolutely hang here. I’m just not exactly sure if they’re going to. Eyes Downtown just feels like they NEED this win more than SH does. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 7

D2

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

The Malones 43, Scared Hitless 28

Can’t Touch This 36, Grey Hair Don’t Care 16

 

The Malones start off their D2 campaign the same way they rock every game, scoring over 40 points and winning comfortably. Can’t Touch This continues their winning ways that they ended their season on last year (save for winning the title, sure) with an easy win over GHDC. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Can’t Touch This vs Mavericks (EVEN) - The Mavericks are becoming a little forgotten in the D2 world. Last season, they got off to a hot start, and played a bunch of games early, which may have hurt them come playoff time. Either way, the lack of games later in the season last year, plus missing Week 1, has given them a sort of “under the radar” status to some degree. Let’s remember that this is a VERY good team that has it all - Great Girls, Good-Great Guys, and arguably the best QB in the division. Last year, they had all the good vibes too. This year? I’m not feeling it just yet. A big win here should help with that, but for some reason I don’t feel it just yet. CAN’T TOUCH THIS BY 8

 

The Malones vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+12) - I’m not entirely sure Grey Hair Don’t Care will be able to keep up with The Malones. That’s really all it comes down to. THE MALONES BY 17

D3

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Wanderers 28, Jabronies 24

Buffalo Vice 48, Bullet Club 31

Jabronies 34, Topper’s All Stars & Todd 12

Wanderers 53, Bullet Club 29

Practice Squad 44, Passing While Intoxicated 8

 

The Wanderers went 2-0 with wins over the Jabronies and Bullet Club, proving everyone right that they’re the team to beat this session. Speaking of Bullet Club, they fell to 0-2 on the season by also losing to Buffalo Vice. The Jabronies may have lost to the Wanderers but they did go 1-1 on the day with a win over TAST, and PWI got dunked on in their “Welcome to D3” game by B and The Lantzes (which is also the name of their secret underground jazz band). 

This Week’s Games:

 

Jabronies vs Bullet Club (+10) - The Jabronies lost to the Wanderers by 4, and Bullet Club lost to them by 24. That should be all you need to really know going into this game, but last year these two played a very close game that came down to the wire. I expect more of the same here, but BC is staring 0-3 in the face. JABRONIES BY 8

 

Buffalo Vice vs Practice Squad (EVEN) - An early matchup between two teams trying to get to 2-0. Every D3 game has playoff tiebreaker implications, meaning every game is close, and I feel like these two teams will be battling to be above the 7 seed so they get a “bye” of sorts, which means this game is BIG. Vice dropped 48 last week, which shouldn’t be too surprising since they DID drop 66 in a playoff game last season. They’ve figured out the “D3” learning curve after some ups and downs. The Caitlyn Mason vs Renee Lantz battle should be a great one to watch too. I think we’re going to see some B magic this time around. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7

 

Passing While Intoxicated vs Straw Hats (EVEN) - This game was hard for the oddsmakers to give a line to because they didn’t know what to expect from Straw Hats yet, and PWI just had a brutal debut a week ago. But PWI has Buddy Lee, quietly one of the better QBs in the league, and I’ve seen enough from PWI over the years to know that when they have a bad week, they bounce back better than just about anyone.  PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 12

 

Let’s Get Reccked vs Straw Hats (+6) - LGR continues to be an enigma of sorts because you’re always left thinking “This team should be much better than its record ever shows.” They have the smarts and the talent to be great, although there’s some questions about the depth of the roster at times. Regardless, they’ll be a tough task for a Straw Hats team we know nothing about (but they can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to let me know who they are!). LETS GET RECCKED BY 13

 

D4

 

Last Week’s Games

 

ILF 26, Cobblestone 0

Select 28, GirthQuakes 27

Vaspian 31, Creekers 12

GirthQuakes 21, Cobblestone 0 (Forfeit)

Select 27, Vaspian 26

Cunning Stunts 52, The Herd 24

The Stunts and ILF both won their games pretty easily, as expected, as they move towards a D4 title game battle with each other. Cobblestone dropped to 0-2, but that was due to player issues unfortunately. The GirthQuakes end up 1-1, losing by a point to Select, and getting a forfeit win. Speaking of Select, they’re 2-0 after two victories, and they’ve gotten off to a (mostly) great start! Vaspian lost to Select by a point, but they beat up on the Creekers 31-12, perhaps signaling a Vaspian return to glory? We can only hope. 

This Week’s Games

 

ILF vs Select (+7) - Select has the good feelings from being 2-0, but it’s one thing to beat a brand new team and Vaspian, and another to play ILF, who has been at the top of the division for a little while now and with Buddy Lee at QB for them (giving ILF their first “actual” QB ever) it should be what they need to get over the hump and win it all. If Select is truly going to factor into the D4 title picture, a win (or at least a close loss) is needed here. Not sure they’re going to get it. ILF BY 13

 

Cunning Stunts vs Creekers (+8) - Stop me if you’ve heard this before. The Cunning Stunts easily put up 50+ points after adding another top flight female (this time it’s Maddie Norton) to the squad. It’s still weird that the Stunts haven’t won D4 yet, Matty’s Angels would’ve done it twice by now. It’s still par for the course for the Stunts, but for the Creekers I’m not so sure. A 19 point loss to Vaspian is a bit surprising (I’m going to assume they were missing people), and a game against the Stunts isn’t a way to stop the bleeding. CUNNING STUNTS BY 20

 

ILF vs The Herd (+14) - The schedule makers didn’t do The Herd any favors, giving them the best two teams in the league right out of the gate. On the other hand, they’ll get the hard ones out of the way, learn from these two games, and be able to apply those lessons to the “weaker” teams they have left on the schedule. At least, in theory anyway. ILF BY 17

 

Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian (+10) - Great start for Vaspian, as I’ve said ten times now. I’d like to see them keep it rolling, but the Stunts are just built different….. CUNNING STUNTS BY 14

 

Vaspian vs The Herd (+10) - ….but The Herd is not. Another doubleheader for Vaspian, another 1-1 week. VASPIAN BY 10

D5

 

Last Week’s Games

 

PowerPuff Girls 44, Come From Behind 26

PowerPuff Girls 50, Spinelli’s Plumbing 38

Two Tuddies 23, Not So Sticky 18

 

The PowerPuff Girls have very, very clearly planted their flag and let the world know that they’re coming for that D5 title. They beat perennial contender Come From Behind rather easily, and then they beat former D5 champions Spinelli’s as well. That’s a GREAT start for the Girls. The Two Tuddies started off on the right foot with their new look roster, getting a win over Not So Sticky. 

 

This Week’s Games

 

Stir The Sauce vs Pit Harade (+8) - Stir The Sauce had a really good first season last spring which saw them stay close in most games and then upset GUCCI in the playoffs as well. They fell short of winning the title by 4 points against THK, so they’re well positioned to have a really good season. They get a good start to the season playing Pit Harade, who came up from D6 despite not winning the championship. They were 12-5 the last two seasons though, so it kind of makes sense to move up. QB Dave Walter will have his hands full in PH’s first D5 game. STIR THE SAUCE BY 15

 

Come From Behind vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+7) - This could be a high scoring affair if everything goes right. Both teams are looking to bounce back after beatings by the PPGs, so it will be quite interesting to see who does a better job of it. It’ll be weird seeing CFB at 0-2. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 8

 

Not So Sticky vs Pit Harade (+8) - Not So Sticky looks to get back to some winning ways after last week, and getting the brand new D5 team on the back end of a double header seems to be the way to do it. This should be a fun game, but look for NSS to exploit PH as they’re learning the D5 game. NOT SO STICKY BY 13

D6

 

Last Week’s Games

 

Day By Day 44, TMA 7

Sticky Laces 19, Dogg Pound 17

Sticky Laces 28, Balls Deep 18

Sausage McMuffins 46, Purple Nurples 29

Day By Day gets a huge win over TMA to start the season off right. Sticky Laces is 2-0 after a 2 point win over Dogg Pound (these teams always play close, good games), and then they beat Balls Deep as well. Lastly, The McMuffins dropped 46 on the Purple Nurples. Not sure if that’s the result of the McMuffin offense being really good again, or the Nurples’ Defense being really not so good again. Time will tell. 

 

This Week’s Games

 

Day By Day vs Dogg Pound (+7) - The DPs were close yet again last week, but couldn’t quite get there. After going through the QB carousel last year, here’s hoping they’ve settled on one and they can continue to improve Week By Week. DBD, on the other side of the field, has really figured it out ever since about Week 5 last spring, and the statement win last week is a sign of things to come. While both of these teams started out at the same time, one of them is a little further along with their development. DAY BY DAY BY 11

 

Sausage McMuffins vs TMA (+10) - SMM finds themselves in an all too familiar position of D6 title contenders who can score, usually, but something always creeps up and ruins the season for them. While this team likes having fun (as it is full of good people), I’m thinking this is the season they need to go for everyone’s throats and have a bit of an edge to them. They get a good candidate to do that in TMA, who didn’t quite get the “Welcome Back to D6!” respect they maybe should’ve gotten. Dorene mentioned on the TSL podcast (Listen on Spotify!) they were short handed, so let’s hope that that was just a blip on the radar. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 8

 

Fall Blitzkrieg vs Balls Deep (+7) - I don’t know who’s throwing for BK, and as always I’m hoping it's Light Red Hoodie Guy. Unless Alex found a way to play, which would be great for BK. The TSL’s version of “When is it finally going to be their time??” got a gift this offseason when Pit Harade and Back That Pass Up left the division, which means they have the best chance to win they’ve had in a while. Balls Deep is one of the contenders to take them down, and BD DID beat them last season, but I think that was a fluke. FALL BLITZKRIEG BY 14

 

Fall Blitzkrieg vs Purple Nurples (+10) - Same as above for BK, the Nurples COULD represent a D6 challenger, as they’ve been a tough D6 team for a couple of seasons before last spring, where the wheels fell off for some reason, and they couldn’t even cover the “Shady Pines Retirement Home All Stars” in a scrimmage game in July, losing 58-14. (In their defense, Edith Granderson is the greatest 77 year old female football player of all time. She’s slippery.) It’s hard to say if they figured it out yet, but this will be a good test. FALL BLITZKRIEG BY 19

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

 

 

• Who’s going to win Breakfast Club? Breakfast Club starts this week for the Fall season, and for the most part the sign ups were encouraging! We have 3 new captains this season - Sydney from Two Tuddies, Carly from Jabronies (teaming up with Jenna), and Rylee from Sticky Bandits. They join Dorene, Dri, and Hall of Fame Breakfast Club Captain Steph in battle this year. The rosters all look really, really even this time around, but my “preseason” prediction is that we’ll be seeing All Ryled Up losing in the finals to Dri Girls 1 Cup. 

• WILL JOEY (OR B) GIVE B’S BROTHER A RIDE TO THE FIELDS SO HE CAN BLESS US WITH HIS PRESENCE? I don’t know the answer to this, but I know B reads this article every week, so he better get his brother to the fields. Still not sure Joey Batts can read at all. 

 

 

 

• Why was Field 5 so rough to play on? What’s the deal with it? As stated last week, Field 5 is a brand new field that we’ve never played on before. All of the other fields have had years upon years of TSL history played upon them, which over time has led to everyone unearthing random rocks, etc and clearing them away. The more we play on F5, the better it’ll be. 

 

 

 

• What forms of TSL Media are there? I’m new to the league and there’s a LOT going on! Well, I’ve said it before but I’ll get into it again. Every week you can read The Sentinel, usually on Mondays. On Thursdays the TSL QB Power Rankings Committee puts out their article. I’m The Godfather, and I’ve been bringing you this article on Fridays for well over a decade now. There’s also the TSL podcast that comes out on Tuesday or Wednesday (usually) to listen to. There’s also “The Roost”, which some other members of the league record and it's lighthearted and funny most of the time, it's a bit of a different vibe for sure. I think they come out with an episode near the end of the week. Either way, you can check the website nearly every day for more TSL content. 

 

 

 

• If a D2 team wins all of their D1 crossover games and look to be a legit D1 title contender, can they choose to be in the D1 playoffs instead? I think Jeff Krol’s brain would explode, but how fun would it be if, say, The Malones win all of their crossover games, and challenge whoever ends up in 5th place in D1 to a game that determines who plays for what title? I think this should be an option of some sort. How interesting would that be? 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

 

 

• Games of the Day: 

• 10:00 - Sticky Bandits vs The Malones

• 11:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Practice Squad

• 12:00 - ILF vs Select

• 1:00 - Come From Behind vs Spinelli’s Plumbing 

• 2:00 - Freeballers vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

• 3:00 - The Herd vs Vaspian

 

 

 

• Breakfast Club Predictions:

• All Ryled Up 37, Carlyac Arrest 24

• Syd On My Face 31, D’z Nuts 30

• Dri Girls 1 Cup 38, Steph Infection 30

 

 

 

• Using my Weather Channel App here in Des Moines, Iowa, it says that the Buffalo weather for Saturday is looking to be 78 degrees, but there may be some rain. That’s a bummer. 

 

 

 

• I know it’s really early to even think about the TSL Banquet and the awards that come with it, but good luck to the committee for trying to pick a D2 QB of the Year. Jordan Lawson vs Andy Strug vs Dave Eickhoff vs Ryan Dougherty vs Jeremy Burr is going to be one of the absolute hardest awards to ever decide. That’s a LOT of talent. 

 

 

 

• I think Select is really going to stick around at the top of the D4 standings. 

 

 

 

• Thanks again to all of you who email me each week about the games and what’s going on with your team. But there’s still a bunch of teams I don’t know about! Email me ( This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ) and say hi! You don’t have to be a captain to email me, just do it anyway. I want to get as many people noticed as possible. 

 

 

 

• I’m sure that this week is going to have some weird results because it’s Labor Day weekend. 

 

 

 

• I know Garrett has needed some help finding a ref or two already this year, so if you’re willing to referee to help out (and make $30 a game), reach out to him, or Jeff Krol, ASAP. Every little bit helps. 

 

 

 

• Three teams that already “need a win” just to get some confidence going: Bullet Club, Eyes Downtown, TMA. I know it’s early in the season, but based on how things have been going, it’ll do all of these teams some good. 

 

 

 

• I’m pretty sure the only reason D3 has all 10 teams make the playoffs is because Jeff Krol is being nice to Topper and Joe K to make sure their teams make it. 

 

 

-GF OUT

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