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TSL Quarterback Power Rankings – Week 1


A disclaimer before we get started:  This is NOT a ranking of just “who played the best in Week One”.  If that were the case, Topper would be #1 in the Power Rankings (which can’t be possibly be right) and Joey Batts would be lucky to crack the Top 40.  Week One performance absolutely matters, but we’re not going to pretend like history DOESN’T.  Matty Ice didn’t play a game this week, and Bobby McConnell is 0-1, but would a TSL QB Power Rankings mean ANYTHING if it didn’t rank the both of them near the top?  In other words, try to think of it this way – your QB Power Rankings should tell you which Quarterbacks your team would be most afraid to go up against NEXT week.  Yes, Bobby is 0-1, but that doesn’t suddenly make him an easy matchup on the schedule next week.


Got it?  Cool.  Let’s get to the rankings:



Is it a surprise that Chris Cole (#1) is still at the top?  Is it fair?  We’re not really sure.  You could argue that Mark Dalfonso (#2) just beat Cole head-to-head in last season’s championship game (ending a pretty epic win streak in the process) and has started this season 2-0 while averaging 40.5 ppg.  Public Enemy meanwhile is 1-0 this season with 33 ppg, and they’re no longer the reigning, defending, undisputed champs of the TSL Universe.  What more does Dalfonso have to do to claim the top spot???  Ultimately we decided that, streak aside, Chris Cole is 21-1 in his last 22 games, and if we didn’t rank him #1 it would be solely based on one loss.  And that doesn’t seem fair either.  So it’s Cole #1, Dalfonso #2, at least for the time being.  The two will go head-to-head again on September 14th, which should give us a more satisfying answer.  Until then, you’re free to second guess this decision.


As stated earlier, Matty Ice (#3) didn’t play this week, but he keeps a pretty good ranking regardless.  And Bobby McConnell (#4) got wrecked by Marketing Mayors this week, but we know what he’s capable of, so we won’t punish him too much for that yet.  A loss to Bullet Club and/or Tight Ends in Motion next week could send him spiraling though…


Two seasons ago, Peachy Platoon was what, D5?  Then last session they made the leap to D3 and didn’t miss a beat.  This session they’ve been bumped up to D2 and STILL no signs of slowing down.  Dean Thompson (#5) beat a short-handed Bullet Club team 61-20 this week, as well as his former D3 rivals Slytherin That End Zone by a score of 43-30.  Didn’t the Platoon get DESTROYED by Slytherin last season 42-7 in the first game of the season?  Yeah, they’ve gotten a little better since then.  Peachy Platoon is our highest scoring team in the League after one week with 104 points. 


Matt Newman (#7) of SITE had the aforementioned loss to Peachy Platoon but also beat Bullet Club this week by a score of 32-26.   1-1 on his first day in D2 is pretty good… just not as good as Dean and Peachy, who had the exact same schedule (and better results).


All he’s done is Qwonn, and for that Vince Taverna (#6) gets his highest ever spot in the TSL QB Power Rankings.  Quinn has been a really good team for the last few sessions, and we suspect they’re not getting the credit they deserve.  We’re not sure what division they WANTED to play in, but it must have stung a little bit to see Slytherin and Peachy promoted to D2 while they got left behind, right?  These guys know they can run with anybody.  Oh, and AWDIQ is the only other team besides Peachy Platoon to have 100 points scored after Week One.


Joseph Battaglia (#8) – you’re a great quarterback, one of the best in this League.  But you did NOT have a great day.  Our two time Spring 2019 champ walked into Week One with the longest active winning streak in the League (7 games with Gryffindor dating back to last season)… and walked out with a two game losing streak, including bad losses to Public Enemy (33-13) and Tight Ends in Motion (35-0, with the game called early).  6.5 points per game is second worst in the League after one week (TMA had only 6) which is probably not the D1 debut that Joey had in mind.  Also, that weird “Ranking” glitch on the website this week (not to be confused with the QB Power Rankings) shows Gryffindor as the 47th ranked team in the league out of 47 teams.  Pretty miserable start, but… doesn’t this all sound kind of familiar?  Week 3 of last season, the TSL QB Power Rankings noted that Gryffindor had “the single lowest points per game of ANY team in ANY division right now.  By a LOT.  [Seriously – 9.5 ppg, a full 7 points behind the SECOND WORST team in the League.  Ouch]”.  Gryffindor then turned that slow start into a D2 championship season.  These guys have been here before, and they’re (probably) not panicking yet. 


Enough about that loser Joey Batts.  Let’s talk about that WINNER, Patrick McGovern (#9).  Ah, this is one of those sports stories that just warms your heart.  Senior citizen QB, way past his athletic prime, makes an incredible Fall 2019 debut and beats We Back by a score of 58-8, with zero interceptions thrown.  Topper is currently the highest scoring QB in the League on a per game basis.  Sigh.  One more time: TOPPER is currently the highest scoring QB in the League on a per game basis.  How long can this possibly last?  Let’s not dwell on how quickly he’ll collapse (he started last session 1-0 also, and that didn’t end well), let’s just enjoy our geriatric Rudy story while we have it.  Good for him.  Good for him.


The top nine seemed pretty obvious to the Power Rankings committee this week, but it was a difficult decision for the tenth spot. What about Mike Mckenrick, making his D1 debut for TEIM and beating Gryffindor 35-0?  What about Samantha Lattuca and Scott Pinto combining for 49 points for Ultimate Warriors?  What about Johnny Dio getting the D2 win for Dilf’s?  All great choices, but we’re a sucker for a good story, and we were MOST impressed with Joe Miano (#10) making the leap from D6 to D3 and scoring 49 points in his debut, including ten on the final drive to tie the game.  Nothing intimidates this guy.  With an improved cast around him, Joe is going to make some noise in D3 this season.



Unfortunately it’s too early in the season to put together any of those charts about team offenses and defenses that we love so much, but here are a few quick hits on your TSL team leaders after one week (some of which is repeated from above):


  • Best Offensive Team (total points) – Peachy Platoon, 104
  • Best Offensive Team (points per game) – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, 58
  • Worst Offensive Team (total points) – TMA, 6
  • Worst Offensive Team (points per game) – TMA, 6
  • Best Defensive Team (total points against) – Tight Ends in Motion, 0
  • Best Defensive Team (points against per game) – Tight Ends in Motion, 0
  • Worst Defensive Team (total points against) – 3rd & Schlong, 98
  • Worst Defensive Team (points against per game) – Hope N Ruin, 59
  • Best Point Differential (total points) – Peachy Platoon, +54
  • Best Point Differential (points per game) – Hofbrauhaus Buffalo, +50
  • Worst Point Differential (total points) – Gryffindor, -55
  • Worst Point Differential (points per game) – We Back, -50
  • Longest Current Win Streak – Marketing Mayors, 6
  • Longest Current Losing Streak – 3rd & Schlong, 4




If you have any thoughts on why we suck at ranking QBs (and of course how you’d do it better), please send emails to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


What’s YOUR ranking?


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