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"I have two secret weapons: my legs, my arms and my brain" - Michael Vick

 

Welcome back to Week Seven of the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  Here's what we've got for you this week:

• QB Power Rankings - Our most comprehensive rankings yet
• Division Breakdown - Graphs of all teams in the League and where they stand in their divisions: Favorites, Contenders, and Pretenders
• Final Observations

 

QB Power Rankings

 

Here are the Week Seven Rankings below.  We've shown the Top Ten every week since we started doing Power Rankings (this is our third season) and we've expanded to show the top 15 or 20 from time to time in the past.  This will be the first time showing the Top 25 though, for our most inclusive Power Rankings yet.

 

Due to the League's COVID protocols several games were cancelled this week, and in some cases QB's for games that weren't cancelled were told that they were unable to play in the interests of League safety.  As a result, there are a few top level quarterbacks that didn't get the chance to play this week.  Generally we've adopted a "your Ranking doesn't change if you didn't play" philosophy this week so less movement than usual, although (SPOILER ALERT) inactive Vince Taverna did jump up one spot in the rankings this week as a result of an injury to Alex Buchlis that we're told may put Alex on the shelf for the rest of the season.  Tight Ends in Motion were just getting their momentum back after a rough schedule to start the season, so the timing couldn't be worse.  Best of luck and a speedy recovery to Alex, who is one of the best quarterbacks in the League when healthy.  

 

 

 

 

#1 Chris Cole - Public Enemy - Previous Rank (#1)

Last Week:  Lost to Marketing Mayors 37-26 (Eyes Downtown game cancelled this week)

Summary:  Last week we said Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown "play each other at 9 a.m. this week, so we will have a definite answer on who the undisputed king of the TSL Power Rankings is... unless, of course, that game ends in a tie."  We did not anticipate a COVID incident that would cancel half a dozen games this week.  Interestingly this is the SECOND time this year that the Public Enemy vs. Eyes Downtown showdown has been cancelled, as they were scheduled to go head-to-head back in August during "the Shutdown" as well.  Maybe this is just the Football Gods' way of saying that the regular season is too small a stage for this game, and that they shouldn't meet until the Finals?  THE REMATCH ONE FULL YEAR IN THE MAKING... Topper could charge admission to watch that one.  But we're getting ahead of ourselves.  Public Enemy didn't play Eyes Downtown this week, but they DID play Marketing Mayors, who upset the defending champs, handed them their first loss of the season, and broke the League's longest active winning streak.  Public Enemy still has a better record than Marketing Mayors and even a better record head to head (1-1, outscored them a combined 67-52) so Chris keeps the #1 spot for now, but the whispers about Bobby deserving the top spot grow a little louder this week...

 

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown, The Angels - Previous Rank (#2)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#3 Mark Dalfonso - Marketing Mayors - Previous Rank (#3)

Last Week:  Beat Gryffindor 49-15, beat Public Enemy 37-26

Summary:  Dominant performance by Mark this week.  Marketing Mayors crushed a short handed Gryffindor team, then snapped Public Enemy's latest undefeated streak.  There's a reason Cole, McConnell and Dalfonso never seem to fall out of the Top Three in the Power Rankings.  Mark seems stuck in a Rankings rut unfortunately, because he's too good to drop to #4, and he's still stuck behind Cole and Bobby, each of whom he has lost to once this season.  If Marketing Mayors can stay hot for playoffs in October, then Mark can prove us wrong when it matters most.  

 

#4 Joey Batts - Gryffindor, Cunning Stunts - Previous Rank (#4)

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 30-23, lost to Marketing Mayors 49-15 (Gryffindor), lost to Uncle Rico's Time Travelers 53-44 (Cunning Stunts)

Summary:  A loss to a higher ranked QB in the Marketing Mayors game?  Sure.  A win against a Tight Ends in Motion team who were playing without their injured starting QB for much of the game?  Yep.  A high scoring game with Cunning Stunts where they put up a boatload of points and lost because they can't play defense?  Again... no surprises there.  Minus the injury to Buchlis, we could have predicted all of this last week.  Gryffindor and Cunning Stunts are both dark horses for their respective divisions, and both teams need Joey to get hot at just the right time to have any chance in the playoffs.

 

#5 Matt Newman - Slytherin That End Zone - Previous Rank (#5)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#6 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits - Previous Rank (#6)

Last Week:  Lost to Bullet Club 38-35, beat Jabronies 39-28

Summary:  We predicted that the Sticky Bandits would go 1-1 last week, but we expected Mike to beat Bullet Club and then come up short against Jabronies.  Instead Sticky Nation collapsed on the last defensive play of their first game, letting Bullet Club escape with a walk-off TD, and then took down one of the best teams in D2 a couple hours later.  The Sticky Bandits are now 4-3 and have surpassed Jabronies for the highest scoring offense in D2.  If Newman is available to play next weekend, Sticky Bandits vs SITE (yes, that's the agreed upon acronym, doesn't make any sense to us either) will be a battle for the #5 slot in the Power Rankings as well as a possible D2 Finals preview.

 

#7 Vince Taverna - All We Do is Quinn - Previous Rank (#6)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#8 Brandt Dubey - Dilfs - Previous Rank (#11)

Last Week:  Beat Peachy Platoon 43-19, beat Slytherin that End Zone 35-22

Summary:  The D2 defending champs are suddenly leading their division again after two resounding wins this weekend.  Tough to tell how much of this is skill and how much of it is just the easiest schedule of all time.  Their last three games: 1) a Slytherin team missing both its QB and top female.  2) a Peachy team that could only field three guys (none of which are named Dean) and played with three girls all game.  3) a forfeit win over a D1 team.  Even Topper could have gone 3-0 over that stretch (well, at least 1-2... he would have won the forfeit game, we think).  Still, the Dilfs are exactly where they want to be, and control their own destiny as they chase the #1 seed.  Regardless of their opponents, Dubey is killing them, and the Dilfs are probably the favorites in their division right now.

 

#9 Joe Miano - Jabronies - Previous Rank (#9)

Last Week:  Beat Morning Wood 35-24, lost to Sticky Bandits 39-28

Summary:  The Jabronies had a shot at first place, the #1 offense, and the #1 point differential in D2 this weekend.  They finished their double header in fourth place, the #2 offense, and the #2 point differential.  Although they beat Morning Wood as expected (Jabronies had about 57 picks in that game, give or take), they dropped their grudge match vs the Sticky Bandits, making the D2 standings that much more crowded.  Joe had a clear shot at passing Mike Thomas in the Power Rankings this week, but that's tougher to justify now that Mike has the head to head win AND a higher points per game.  

 

#10 Scott Drosendahl - Frodo Swaggins - Previous Rank (#10)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#11 Tim Zielinski - Uncle Rico's Time Travelers - Previous Rank (#12)

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 53-44

Summary:  Another day, another shootout in the "D4 Wild West" of the TSL.  Uncle Rico's are now averaging 42.3 PPG, second in the League behind only Frodo Swaggins.  Dominant, right?  Nope, the Stunts and the Angels are both less than two points behind.  Last year Uncle Rico's didn't find their groove until the second half of the season, and then they were steamrolling opponents every week.  God help the rest of D4 if they find another gear at the end of this season too.

 

#12 Ricky Austin - Bullet Club - Previous Rank (#16)

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 53-44

Summary:  Ricky jumps up four spots this week by upsetting the Sticky Bandits 38-35.  Just when we're ready to write off Bullet Club, they come back with a statement win like this to remind everyone why they were in the Finals last year.  Ricky has great chemistry with his receivers, but is it enough to beat the top teams in D2?  Well, Bullet Club beat Sticky Bandits, who beat Jabronies, who beat Dilfs, who beat Slytherin, who beat Morning Wood, who beat Hofbrauhaus, who beat Peachy, so anything is possible.  

 

#13 Andy Clark - Buffalo Solar Solutions - Previous Rank (#15)

Last Week:  Beat Over Compensators 42-20

Summary:  Andy remains undefeated this year, and the QB of the #1 team in D4 somehow remains the fourth rated QB in our Power Rankings this week.  There's no justice in the world.  True, Buffalo Solar is fifth in their division in offensive points per game, but they're #1 in point differential per game.  Someone should really make a graph of this to illustrate it better... (we call that "foreshadowing")

 

#14 Pete Nguyen - Why So Serious? - Previous Rank (#14)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#15 David Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care - Previous Rank (#13)

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 26-14

Summary:  Grey Hair - Don't Care is in a full on nosedive in the D3 standings.  After starting the season 3-0 and looking like a potential championship contender, they've lost a double header to the top two teams in the division (understandable) and then followed up with a loss this week to previously winless Vaspian (less understandable).  No disrespect intended to Vaspian who have all kinds of talent, but Grey Hair is supposed to be the veteran team that wins games like this.  A 14 point showing in a losing effort is not going to do Eickhoff any favors in the Power Rankings.

 

#16 Cody McGregor - Mountain Dew Me - Previous Rank (#19)

Last Week:  Beat Cobblestone 32-6

Summary:  Whatever line we're providing the Godfather for Mountain Dew Me games never seems to be enough.  Their team stats in D5 are beyond ridiculous, and Cody's showing no signs of losing momentum now.  Not really QB related, but our favorite MDM stat seven games into their season is that they've allowed only 44 points so far for the YEAR.  9 teams allowed at least that many points in a single game on Saturday.  Can they keep it up, or will they go 2007 Patriots on us and crumble under the pressure of being the undefeated favorites in the playoffs?

 

#17 Aaron Ertel - Morning Wood - Previous Rank (#17)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#18 Blase LaDuca - En Fuego - Previous Rank (#18)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

 

#19 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - Hofbrauhaus Buffalo / TOX - Previous Rank (#22)

Last Week:  Beat Peachy Platoon 48-8 (Hofbrauhaus Buffalo), lost to Practice Squad 45-26 (TOX)

Summary:  Topper gets his FIRST Quarterbacking win of the year this week against a short handed Peachy Platoon team that could only field three men.  Someone give him a trophy, we don't want this achievement to go unrecognized.  Unfortunately his "winning streak" lasted only three hours, as he reverted to form against Practice Squad in the TOX game that afternoon.  Topper claims he was missing two of his "speed guys" for that game, but he wasn't exactly lighting the world on fire when he had them either...

 

#20 Darrick Castronova - Peachy Platoon - Previous Rank (#20)

Last Week:  Lost to Hofbrauhaus Buffalo 48-8, lost to Dilfs 43-19

Summary:  Normally getting outscored 91-27 would be cause for a real beating in the Power Rankings, but we understand Darrick didn't have his usual weapons (or hardly any weapons) at his disposal this week.  Plus we heard that his son Sam  QBed some of the games as well, so not really a week to draw any conclusions about Castronova Senior.  It's weird seeing Peachy Platoon towards the bottom of the standings though isn't it?  They had such a meteoric rise from the lower divisions up to D2, and they were debatably the best team in that division for most of last season.  The Platoon will rise again we have no doubt... but we're not sure it'll be this season.

 

#21 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless - Previous Rank (#21)

Last Week:  Did Not Play... but we only showed 20 spots in our Power Rankings last week when Dylan just missed the cut, so we didn't get to talk about him then.  Scared Hitless is one of only three D3 teams with a positive point differential, and Dylan has been a big part of their success to date.  We're told he's been battling an ankle injury for the past couple months, but in spite of that he's been improving every week and he's quickly picking up the co-ed football game.  Fairly or not, Scared Hitless will naturally be compared to Grey Hair - Don't Care since the teams have a shared history, so it's worth pointing out that Dylan is currently scoring 28.2 PPG while the veteran QB on Grey Hair is scoring only 27.7 PPG.

 

#22 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad - Previous Rank (NR)

Last Week:  Beat TOX 45-26

Summary:  Practice Squad has been riding the QB Carousel all season, starting four different quarterbacks in five games.  Brian Stoldt has only been able to play one game this season due to coaching conflicts with UB football, and the team was looking for stability at the most important position. Enter B.  Not just another pretty face, not JUST your favorite ref, B is a VERY capable QB who had a nice tune-up game beating up on TOX this week.  Practice Squad is a very talented team.  With B taking snaps for the rest of the season, does the Squad have a shot at taking down the Mountain Dew Me juggernaut?  Their odds aren't great... but every other D5 team's odds are effectively zero.  

 

#23 Steve Moser - Family Feud and some dudes - Previous Rank (#23)

Last Week:  Did Not Play... but like Dylan, we haven't gotten a chance to write about Steve yet, so we'll do it now.  Family Feud has been mentioned in this article before mostly to highlight how historically terrible their defense has been (51.8 PPG... do they have ANY defensive stops on the year yet?) but the flip side of that is that the offense is actually playing pretty well.  They're the fifth highest scoring team in the entire League right now, which sounds a lot more impressive than saying they're the fourth highest scoring team in their own division (both statements are, weirdly, true).  Steve's sisters Rylee and Laura are two of the more underappreciated girls in the League, and they've got the Feud putting up big numbers on offense.  Eventually that has to translate into wins, we think?

 

#24 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone - Previous Rank (#24)

Last Week:  Lost to Mountain Dew Me 32-6

Summary:  It's taken us THREE SEASONS of Power Ranking quarterbacks but we're finally here.  Darryl Fuckin' Carr, TSL Legend, Global Shampoo and Conditioner Icon (we assume).  Cobblestone is 3-2-1 and chasing only D5 powerhouses Mountain Dew Me and Practice Squad in the standings.  Sure, Cobblestone got destroyed by the Dew this week.  No shame in that, the Green Bay Packers couldn't beat the Dew Crew right now.  But Cobblestone has a winning record and TSL fans worldwide are rejoicing.  

 

#25 Larry Chruscial - Over Compensators - Previous Rank (#25)

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Solar Solutions 42-20

Summary:  Remember last year when Over Compensators were murdering everyone in D5?  They did the right thing by moving up when they won the division, but we're a little bit shocked at how they're struggling right now.  A 2-4 record and the second worst offense in D4 doesn't sound like the team we know and love.  Old rivals En Fuego raised a few eyebrows by skipping D4 entirely and making the jump to D3, but they've somehow managed a winning record.  There's got to be something going on with the O.C.  Do they still have all the same people from last year?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Larry is a former Top 10 QB in our Rankings, and it feels wrong to have him down at #25 right now.

 

Division Breakdown - Favorites, Contenders & Pretenders

 

Has it really been seven weeks without ANY graphs in this article?  We've let our faithful readers down FAR too long, so it's time to fix that.

 

For each division, we've graphed average point differential per game, per team.  This includes all games that teams have played, including Crossover weeks with other divisions (which yes, skews the data a bit, since not all teams have played Crossover games yet).  Forfeit games are NOT included below.

 

Teams highlighted in GREEN are your division favorites, YELLOW are your contenders, and RED are your pretenders.  We did NOT make any subjective decisions as to which team belongs in which category, so don't send us any angry emails - this is strictly math.  If your team is one of the dozen in this league that are winning by an average of more than 6 points per game (one male TD), congrats, you're a favorite in your division.  If your team is one of 11 in this league that are losing by an average of more than 6 points per game, sorry, you're a pretender in your division.  The other 21 teams that are either winning or losing games by less than 6 points on average fall into the contender bucket.

 

Let's get to it!

 

 

The "+/- 6 PPG" cutoff seems to work perfectly in D1.  You have two favorites to win the division, three teams that are clearly underdogs but could still conceivably get hot and make a playoff run, and one team that is going to be one-and-done in the playoffs (sorry WSS).  Can't really argue this division.

 

 

Our "+/- 6 PPG" system isn't nearly as strong in D2.  Truthfully any of these teams can beat any other team in the division, and if you throw out Peachy's two short handed games this week, both Dilfs and Peachy Platoon would fall into the "Contenders" bucket (and Hofbrauhaus Buffalo would fall into the "Pretender" bucket after you strip away their 40 point win over Peachy Lite).  We tend to think of this division as mostly Contenders, but our system says otherwise.

 

 

Quinn and Frodo Swaggins are D3 superpowers.  No surprises there.  Vaspian doesn't look ready to contend this season, but we think of all the other teams as Contenders.  The only real outlier in this graph is Scared Hitless, who are averaging +10 PPG... however this would drop to -0.5 PPG if we threw out their 52-0 Crossover game against the D4 Freeballers, which is BADLY skewing their data here.  So take that "favorite" with a grain of salt.

 

 

D4 is really spot on, isn't it?  Three teams seem to be a notch above the rest, Cunning Stunts is dangerous but flawed with their nonexistent defense, and then the other three teams aren't really expected to compete for the championship.  If you're one of those three pretenders, don't blame us, that's the graph talking.

 

 

There are two contenders in D5, and one of them is much better than the other.  The "eye test" says it's true, and the graph confirms the hell out of it.  A few teams have respectable point differentials and you never know, they could make some noise in the playoffs, but it would be a shock if our finals was anything other than the Dew vs the Squad.

 

 

One of the reasons we love graphs so much is they tell us stories we might not have known otherwise.  D2 somewhat deservedly has a reputation as the most wide open division this year, but take a look at D6.  We did NOT realize there was this much parity.  If the Bambs had scored one fewer touchdown in ANY of their games this season (or allowed one more touchdown on defense), we would be looking at 8 teams ALL within 6 PPG one way or the other.  There would be no favorites, no pretenders, just a division of 8 contenders.  And we think that's pretty awesome.  But hey, good for the Bambs for ruining this graph by being SLIGHTLY better than their peers.

 

 

Final Observations:

• Last week we had four remaining undefeated teams and four remaining winless teams, but this week Public Enemy suffered their first loss while Vaspian and Hofbrauhaus Buffalo won their first games.  There are now THREE remaining undefeated teams, including Eyes Downtown, Mountain Dew Me and All We Do is Quinn, and TWO winless teams, including Freeballers and Why So Serious?
• With Public Enemy's loss this week, there are officially NO division champions remaining from last year that are still undefeated in 2020. 
• The new longest active winning streak in the League belongs to Mountain Dew Me who are currently at 7 games and counting.  The longest active losing streak belongs to Freeballers at 5 games and counting.
• Chris Cole is our highest ranked QB of the season so far, and Garrett Beesing leads the highest scoring offense.  But who has the highest passer rating in the League?  That may belong to Scott Keller Jr. of Intentional Pounding with a 158.3 perfect rating.  This "next generation" Keller QB is 1 for 1 this season for a full field TD.  Unless there's someone out there whose only throw was a full field GENDER TD, we think Scotty's record is safe.

 

 

That's it for this week.  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher? graphs are for nerds? you wish we'd expand to Top 30 next week but you're KIND of nervous you won't make the cut for that either?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..   Remember, with the COVID regulations we have in place at the fields this year, it's a lot harder for spectators to watch games... which means it's a lot harder for the people on the QB Committee to watch your games.  If we're not writing about the action in your games, odds are we didn't see it.  Please email us to tell us what you're seeing out there - make our lives that much easier.  

 

What's YOUR ranking?

 

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