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Welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  If you've read our article in the past (if for no other reason than to complain about how wrong we are) then you’re familiar with the concept – every week we share our rankings for the Top QBs in the League and discuss who’s trending up and who's trending down.  We on the QB Power Rankings Committee are not what you'd call "great writers" (or even "very good" writers... check out the Godfather if you want better writing) so we typically lean heavily on graphs and stats instead... at least, we do after a few weeks, when there's significant enough data to bother sharing.  In our season opening articles we also make a few predictions for the session and re-print an explanation of how these Power Rankings work, which we've copied and pasted almost verbatim from previous articles.

 

So a little Q&A to refresh your memories:

 

“There are 52 teams in the TSL this season!  Are you going to show rankings for all 52 starting QB’s every week?”

Not even close.  At minimum, the Top Ten will be shown EVERY week.  We always expand as the season goes on, so you'll see a Top 15, Top 20... last season we got to a Top 30, so we do try to be inclusive.

 

“Is this going to be heavily biased towards the higher divisions?”

In a word: yes.  The purpose of a Power Ranking is to highlight the absolute best in the League, and for the most part the best are competing AGAINST the best.  We will absolutely be acknowledging the performances (good and bad) of Quarterbacks in the lower divisions as well, but it's rare that a lower division QB will crack the Top Ten or Fifteen, and that's the way it should be.  Generally speaking if you don't like your ranking, our advice is to try moving up a division next session.  The better your competition, the more credibility you earn for beating it.

 

"Are gender team QBs treated differently in the Rankings?"

Not really.  A team's a team, and although gender team scores tend to be a little higher (every TD = minimum 8 points) we don't see much difference.  It takes skill to win with men; it takes skill to win with women.  The biggest knock on gender teams is that they tend to play in lower divisions and as we said above, we do factor THAT into our rankings.

 

"How are you ranking backup QBs if they come in and play better than some other team's starter?"

Generally we're only ranking one QB per team, even if you've got a player on your bench that you think could be a successful starter elsewhere.  And for teams with unreliable QBs who don't show up often enough for us to even KNOW who the starter is, we often leave them out of our rankings entirely... as they say, the best "ability" is "availability".  If you want to get ranked, show up and play as often as you can.  

 

"I'm new to this League and people don't know me yet!  How do I get ranked when I'm still an unknown?"

For starters, you should play really well.  If you're scoring a lot of points, we WILL notice you.  There are several new teams this session, so we probably DON'T know who you all are yet.  Email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to introduce yourself, and please, be patient.  If you're the highest scoring team in the League in Week 2, that doesn't mean we're anointing you as the next Chris Cole just yet.  Keep at it, play well, and we promise eventually we will recognize you.

 

"What about Breakfast Club QBs?"

Breakfast Club is for fun, not crushing your opponents.  We don't put a lot of stock in the stats from Breakfast Club, and typically don't include it in our Rankings.

 

“So you’re only ranking QB’s… what about the rest of us?”

Oh, we didn’t forget about the rest of you.  In addition to the QB Rankings, we will do our best to put out other rankings that the rest of you can enjoy – best team offenses, best team defenses, best referees, best male receivers, best female receivers, best at bar …  ranking anything is always fun.  Unless we rank you last, of course.  Unlike previous years where we just sort of threw out random rankings throughout the season, we're going to TRY to keep a little more structure this session.  See a list of dates below for what we plan to rank each week (besides, of course, quarterbacks).

 

“You keep saying ‘we’.  Who is writing this?  Who determines these rankings?”

Don’t worry about who’s writing this.  Let’s be honest: If you knew who was on our Committee (there's a few of us), you would incessantly whine to them about why you or your QB should be ranked higher every week.  Anonymity is key for journalism THIS important.  

 

And that's how the Power Rankings work.  We expect it's going to be an incredible season, with fifty-ish teams battling for TSL supremacy.  Our official predictions for this year (with the benefit of one week already being in the books, of course): 

  • There are no undefeated teams in any divisions, but at least one team will go winless
  • Spinelli's Plumbing wins a championship for the second season in a row
  • There will be exactly three different QBs to reach #1 in our Power Rankings this season
  • Zack Attack finishes with the #1 defense in the League
  • Steph Infection beats Liddle Deaks in the Breakfast Club finals
  • TMA makes, and loses, the D5 Finals game this session

 

But what do we know?  We went "2 and a half" out of 6 on last year's predictions:

  • Chris Cole goes undefeated in the regular season and reclaims the top spot in the Power Rankings [We were MOSTLY right here as Cole finished #1, but Public Enemy (R.I.P.) did lose a single game.  We'll take half credit.]
  • Passed Our Prime will be the highest scoring team in the TSL this season across all divisions [Nope.  They weren't even the highest scoring in their own division, and finished 9th in the League.]
  • Breast Friends will be the highest scoring gender team in the TSL, and win exactly zero games by forfeit this season [Right and right.  40.6 PPG and not one forfeit win, after taking three the season before.]
  • TSL Legend Darryl Carr finishes the season with a higher rank than TSL Legend Topper [Wrong.  Topper, presumably motivated by this slight, finished last season 10th to Darryl's 20th.]
  • A QB we've never heard of will finish the season in the Top 15 [You know what?  We're going to say we got this right with Jeremy Burr.  Sure, we'd all heard of Burr the receiver, but Burr the QB was an unknown and he finished last season ranked #13.]
  • Dave Eickhoff, ranked 26th at the end of last season, will make his return to the Top Ten at some point this season [Not quite, as Eickhoff peaked at #15 last season.  It had been 31 weeks in a row with Eickhoff missing the Top Ten, until (spoiler alert) he finally made it back this week, courtesy of his D3 championship win last season.]  

 

So there you go.  Let's get to the first QB Power Rankings of the Spring 2022 Season.  It's going to look a LOT different at the top this season without some of the League legends you're used to seeing at the fields: 

  • Perennial #1 Chris Cole retired on top, and this will mark the first Power Rankings in TSL history where he isn't ranked... he had been in our Top Three for 39 consecutive weeks spanning all five seasons we've been doing this.  Bobby McConnell would have to remain in our Top Three for another three straight seasons to tie that mark.  Which might become easier than you'd think for Bobby, because...
  • Bro Kleckler has retired (or is taking a break) from football this session, which means 100% of our D1 champions from 2021 are not playing this season.  Tight Ends in Motion have merged with Slob Kabombs to make their super team even more super, and Seth Molisani will now be QBing for last season's runner-up team.
  • Matty Ice retired within SECONDS of winning D2 and declared himself the all-time greatest on his way out.

 

Who's left and ready to step up in the absence of these legends?  Let's take a look!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 37-16

Eliminating Cole and Bro in the same week was supposed to cement Bobby as the undisputed #1 in the TSL.  Instead he puts up 16 points in a losing effort to Legends, and is now the lowest scoring QB in D1.  So why is he starting the season at #1?  A body of work at least a decade in the making, that's why.  Putting anyone else in the #1 freakin' spot one week into the season would feel very premature considering only four people have EVER earned that honor to date (there's a trivia question for you, name all four).  Bobby has earned the right to the top spot this week.. but he's going to have to do better it if he wants to stay on top.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends

Last Week:  Beat Eyes Downtown 37-16

Mrs. Battaglia's baby boy made a strong D1 debut with Legends this week, decisively beating Eyes Downtown.  This was a lot better than his Gryffindor D1 debut... didn't those guys go like 0-9?  Someone ought to look that up.  In fact up until last season (when he only QBed for the Stunts) Joey was one of only two QBs (the other being Chris Cole) to have NEVER fallen out of the Top Ten before.  Now he's immediately in contention for the #1 spot.  Oh, and the Stunts won too.  Batts 2, Opponents 0.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Tight Ends in Motion 48-42

For the second straight D1 pairing in these rankings, we've ranked the losing team's quarterback higher than the winning team's.  Doesn't make a lot of sense to you?  We don't care.  Thomas dropped 42 points on one of the best defenses in the League last week.  No disrespect to the Sticky Bandits, but they are not the best defense in the League, and they needed every point from their QB to keep up, which Mike gave them.  Everyone else in D1 seems to have loaded up on new superstars this session, but the Sticky Bandits just keep doing their thing with the same guys.  We respect the consistency.

 

#4 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 48-42 (Seth did not play)

People often said to us "Bro's not THAT good, ANYONE could win with that kind of talent on Tight Ends!"  Huh, maybe they were right.  No Bro, no Seth, no Kyle, and Tight Ends in Motion won with like their fourth choice of QB in Andy Smigiera this week (sorry if we're spelling that wrong).  Andy is actually REALLY good, as anyone who has played against him will attest to, but yeah, Seth gets penalized a bit this week because a) he wasn't there, and b) Tight Ends didn't seem to need him that much.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 45-36

Finally, a winner ranked higher than the QB of the team he just beat.  BNB struggled last season with their new team, turned things around in the winter session, and are now off to the races with 45 points in their first game of the Spring session.  This is the sort of performance we were expecting more of last Fall. Also the Power Rankings Committee demands to know the status of Alex's father, as he hasn't been seen at the fields in at least a few seasons.  If B's Brother can make a comeback, why not Doctor Buchlis?

 

#6 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 33-14

Dubey peaked in our Power Rankings at #2 three years ago, and then climbed back to #3 a year and a half ago.  We think he's back on the "dominant" part of his up-and-down cycle, at least for the time being.  DILFS could be serious contenders this season, but like most years, it may come down to the consistency and attendance of their QB.

 

#7 Jeremy Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to the Notorious BNB 45-36

[Editor's note: Sorry Hogan, your original write-up got lost in the copy/paste process and we never replaced the #7 Week One blurb from last season.  Clearly Topper doesn't have the budget for proof-readers, since all his money goes to his poolside cabana.  The TSL sends its deepest regrets that we weren't able to promptly describe your loss this week to our readers.  This is what we meant to say:]

 

Stop us if you've heard this before:  Passed Our Prime was missing some players, Hogan scored nearly 40 points, lost anyway with poor defense.  Sean is going to be an absolute monster on this roster and you know Hogan is going to deliver on offense (Passed Our Prime nearly won the whole winter session behind their high scoring attack) but defensive questions always seem to plague this team.  We suspect they'll get some of their swagger back when they crush When Dove Cries next week.

 

#8 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 31-29

The implosion of TopShot is Bullet Club's gain this season as they get a steady hand to guide their team at QB.  It'll be interesting to see how Dylan responds to the change in team - TopShot was all young guns, while Bullet Club has the veteran leadership and savvy, especially with the addition of Non-Award Winning Tommy Hughes.  A two point loss in week one won't define their season, but how Dylan gels with his new receivers over the next eight weeks will.  We think he'll do fine.

 

#9 Patrick McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Did Not Play

When Dove Cries starts the season with a bye but the rumor is that Topper isn't physically cleared to compete yet after some off-season surgery.  Expect his Power Ranking to drop the longer he's absent (although hey, it might drop even faster if he comes back and plays like his usual self...)

 

#10 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 33-14

Grey Hair - Don't Care was a little outclassed by DILFS in their D2 debut but we think they've got the talent to do fine in their new division this session.  Eickhoff is coming off a D3 championship and a surprisingly dominant indoor season, so we expect he'll be a contender this season come playoffs.  Welcome back to the Top Ten Dave!

 

So that's a look at where we stand after one week.  As always, we will expand coverage throughout the season to cover more and more QBs, but it's difficult when seemingly half the League hasn't played a game yet AND we're not even sure who's throwing for every team yet.  We'll get there.

 

**

 

For all you TSL history buffs out there that want to know QB Power Rankings data stretching back before the Top Ten chart shown above, here is the entire history of the Top Ten going back the past four seasons that we've been Power Ranking (season three being shortened by one week due to COVID issues):

 

 

UGLY chart... but thorough!  This is our summary version of the above, showing cumulative points for the last five seasons for every QB who has EVER cracked the Top Ten.  Here's how it works: you get 10 points for a first place week, 1 point for a tenth place week, and zero points for not making the Top Ten at all that week.  Active QBs (as far as we know) are highlighted so you can see who has the best chance to move up this season.  Gives you a fairly accurate sense of who our top QBs have been over the past five seasons we think (obviously biased towards people that have been here the longest over that stretch):

 

 

**

And finally, here is our schedule for what we plan to rank this season OTHER than just our usual QB Rankings.  If you have feedback ahead of these articles and you want to weigh in, you can always email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  If you email us AFTER the fact to complain about how much you hated them, we'll just tell you that you should have let us know sooner!

 

  • May 12: Best Teams All-Time in the League
  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you want to see those "Best in the League" graphs while your team is riding a hot 1-0 start to the season?  you are already angry that you're not going to be mentioned in all those Non-QB rankings and you want to complain in advance?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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