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Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

How'd you like those Greatest Male (Non-QB) Players rankings last week?  The most common feedback we got was as follows:

  • "The Rankings were TERRIBLE, you guys don't know what you're doing".  
  • There was either too much or not enough representation from lower divisions (we were somehow criticized for both).
  • There was too much Tight Ends in Motion, considering they were a 1-5 team (at the time) and had five of the top 12 players.  It was weird how many people pointed out THIS team specifically.

 

Here is our response to those points:

  • Between the various people that submit ballots on our Committee, we'd wager we watch a LOT more games than most of you.  We stand by our votes, and the feedback of everyone who actually wrote in to make suggestions.  People that didn't write in have lost the right to complain.
  • It has ALWAYS been difficult to compare people from different divisions.  How does Pete Walbrandt compare to Stoner Dave?  How does Dan Gonzalez compare to Eric Delecki?  We take into account what division people play in every week in the QB Rankings, and people complain about that too.  "You're just saying this guy's great because he plays in a higher division!"  Sure, but maybe you just think your guy is great because he's had a few good games in D6.  Some lower division guys would still be absolute studs in higher divisions, we get that and we try to recognize them... but others are just a product of their environment.  We do our best to factor that into our Rankings.
  • Tight Ends won the highest division in this League less than a year ago.  Come on.  They have a new QB and all new girls, and they are dealing with the growing pains of that.  It's not like Derek, Stoner, Kyle and Dave suddenly forgot how to play football, and if you can't understand why they're ranked as highly as they are, that's on you.  There's a reason all those guys showed up on so many ballots.  

 

We're smart enough to know that no one will ever agree with the Rankings we publish (they don't agree with the QB Rankings either!) but screw it - we're going to keep making them.  Partly because debating "who is better than who" is one of the most fun aspects of sports, but partly because we just want to continue to shine a spotlight on great football players.  Yes, people get more wrapped up in the negative than the positive ("why wasn't I ranked" or "why wasn't I ranked higher" are the only two responses we ever seem to hear) but look at it this way: you're a 35 year athlete that never made the pros, and a website is still writing about your athletic accomplishments in 2022.  Try to see the glass as half full on that one, okay?  

 

With that said, we don't have a special "Ranking" for you to complain about this week, but we will be looking at Division All-Stars, which we'll explain below.  We're sure you'll disagree with those too, but first, here are your QB Rankings for the week.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Of course all of these Rankings are now a joke with Christine Krol averaging 77 points a game throwing for Not So Sticky (yes, that happened), but we aren't including her in the above chart because that's really an impossible standard for our other quarterbacks to compete with.  These are the best of the rest:

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 49-16

All three D1 QBs battling for the #1 spot scored between 43-49 points and their teams allowed between 14-16 points this week.  We told you these three were close!  Eyes Downtown run their winning streak to five games in a row by annihilating Bullet Club in a game whose outcome was never in doubt.  Of COURSE Bobby's ranking doesn't change this week.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 43-14 (Legends)

Legends looked they could have beaten When Dove Cries by 70 if they wanted.  It wouldn't have changed Joey's ranking one way or another.  At this point the only way any of these top three QBs move up or down next week is if there's an upset in a D2 crossover game or something truly ridiculous in a Stunts game.  

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 48-14

The Sticky Bandits are now the single highest scoring team in the TSL at 38.6 PPG.  The betting odds against that last year would have been enormous, but that's where we are today.  Mike Thomas might be the TSL's Most Improved Player this year, but... it doesn't change his ranking.  He'll be #3 next week too with Sticky on a bye, unless Bobby or Joey suffer a freak loss against D2 on Saturday.

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 29-24

Scared Hitless has two more wins than the next best team in D2 and they can lock up the #1 seed (and first round playoff bye) with a win or tie next week against D1 Tight Ends in Motion.  They'll probably be underdogs, and rightly fully so, but the gap between D1 and "the rest of D2" isn't as big as the gap between D1 and Scared Hitless.  We're expecting a close one.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Notorious BNB got killed on Saturday without Buchlis, but you've got to wonder how different it would be if he were available.  Doesn't Alex know his former team's strengths and weaknesses better than anyone?

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 24-23

Passed Our Prime beat Grey Hair by one point on May 7th.  Three weeks later they would lose to Grey Hair by one point.  Can't wait to see the playoff rematch here!  Passed Our Prime takes on Legends in their D1 Crossover game this week, but which team will #1 receiver Sean Weisensal be playing for?

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Lost to Tight Ends in Motion 34-23

Three D2 teams got killed in their D1 crossover games this week, but only DILFS made a real game out of theirs.  We're not sure which team that says more about, but if anyone's not going to be intimidated by playing the best teams in the League, it's Dubey.  He's been playing top teams and beating them for years.

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Buffalo Vice 46-21

We thought this one would be closer, but Untouchaballs easily handled Buffalo Vice by 25 points this week.  Burr has led his team to only one loss this season and he's in no rush to add a second.  Untouchaballs are tied for the best record in the League at 6-1, and they're also third in scoring at 38.1 PPG (half a point out of first place).  What does it take for Burr to go up in the Power Rankings?? Has he reached the natural ceiling of a D3 quarterback?

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 24-23

Grey Hair - Don't Care have three losses this season, and they've already avenged two of them by beating Passed Our Prime and DILFS in rematches over the past two weeks.  The only D2 team they haven't beaten yet is Notorious BNB (okay they haven't even played Bullet Club yet, but we're assuming they win that one too).  These guys went from 0-3 to championship contenders REAL fast.

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 38-28

Hey didn't Scotty used to QB for Frodo Swaggins?  Frodo and 4th & Something are both 4-3 after Garrett bested Scotty on Saturday, but Frodo is second in the division in scoring (36.6 PPG) and 4th & Something is seventh (28.0 PPG).  Advantage: Beesing.

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-16 (Bullet Club), lost to Sleezin Szn 34-26

We had no hope that D2's coldest team could beat D1's hottest team in this week's Crossover game, but we felt VERY strongly that D3's hottest team would beat D3's coldest team.  Imagine our surprise when winless Sleezin Szn upset Freeballers this week!  This is why we play the game folks, anyone truly CAN beat anyone else week to week.  

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 38-28

4th & Something's last four games are a 25 point loss, a 1 point win, a 47 point loss and a 10 point loss.  This is definitely a team that's trending in the wrong direction, but nothing is beyond saving when you have Scotty Drosendahl slinging it out there.  This week's Itches and Ohs game will be a big sign of whether these guys are ready to sack up and rediscover their mojo, or if they're just in freefall for the rest of the season.

 

#13 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Beat DILFS 34-23 (Tight Ends in Motion), lost to Untouchaballs 46-21 (Buffalo Vice)

Tight Ends won their first game of the season with Seth at QB on Saturday, beating DILFS by two scores in their D2 crossover game.  Buffalo Vice then went on to lose to D3 giant Untouchaballs later in the day.  Neither result is a surprise, really, and Seth's ranking stays the same.  If Darryl is #1 in our Hair ranking, Seth should be #1 in our mustache ranking.

 

#14 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 34-24

B's Brother's Brother led Practice Squad to their sixth win of the season, tied with five other teams for the best in the TSL (we do not have a seven-game winner yet).  This is a smart, balanced team: they may have the fifth best offense in their division, but they also have the third best defense, the best point differential (barely) and the best record.  A win over XMD this week might just lock up the #1 seed for the Squad (and we hear rumors XMD may have already forfeited?).

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 22-16

This past Saturday was the first in the month of May that Spinelli's did not lose a game.  In a division where only 8 teams make playoffs, the win over Vaspian keeps Spinelli's in 7th place and in decent position to hold onto their playoff berth.  If they were hoping for an easy opponent this week, they'll be disappointed to look at the calendar and see Cunning Stunts on their schedule.

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 36-35

Between bye weeks and rain-outs, Itches hadn't played a game since May 7th, and they hadn't won a game since April 30th.  Steve played a great game against a suddenly improved Show Me Dem TDs though (and without his all-star sister Laura present) to get Itches back in the win column and back to .500 this week.

 

#17 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 48-19

Puckett just DESTROYED Today's Feast on Saturday to re-affirm their position as one of the better teams in D4 this session.  They lost a few games early in the season that made us think they were in trouble, but those days seem long gone now after Puckett's third win in a row.

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Show Me Dem TDs 36-34, beat Freeballers 34-26

Winless Sleezin Szn beat the hottest team in their division at 11 am, then lost to the only other winless team in their division at 1 pm.  We have no idea what to make of this.  For what it's worth, their offense is actually getting decent production, tied for fourth (middle of the pack) in their division.  Their division worst defense though (37.0 PPG) could use some improvement if they want to win any more games this season.

 

#19 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat TOX 38-23

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons are -6 in point differential on the season after beating TOX by two scores this week.  They are a true middle of the pack team right now that seems to win hopeless games and lose winnable games.  Joe Miano has the receivers and the arm talent, but they need consistency if they want to compete for the D4 title over the next few weeks.

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the 6-1 Cobblestoners this week.

 

#21 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 35-34

One point may define the entire season for both XMD and Can't Touch This.  XMD are currently 3-4 and clinging to the last playoff spot in D4, and Can't Touch This are 4-3 and sitting in fifth place, feeling good about their playoff chances.  If XMD could score another point for the tie (or another two for the win) these two teams flip spots in the standings and it's Can't Touch This at risk of falling out of contention.  Those extra points are huge!    

 

#22 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Woodpeckers 40-33

Travis Henry's Kids have the longest current winning streak in the League at six in a row.  Over that span they've won every game by at least 19 points EXCEPT for their two games against Woodpeckers (which they won by 7 and 8).  If anyone can stop John in the playoffs it's Joe Buscaglia and his 6'11" receivers.

 

#23 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat XMD 35-34

Make that four in a row for Can't Touch This as they narrowly beat XMD in a game with huge playoff implications.  Ryan is a rising star in the TSL and although we're not sure Can't Touch This are ready for the D4 title this season, we wouldn't be surprised if they were the frontrunners next year.

 

#24 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 29-24, lost to Legends 43-14

No QB plummeted further in the Power Rankings than Topper this week, which doesn't seem fair considering he barely lost to the best team in his division and then got creamed by a team in a higher division for his Crossover game.  Sorry Topper.  We wonder if he's ever had a winless season in his long and storied career?  

 

#25 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Itches and Ohs 36-35, beat Sleezin Szn 36-34

The Show Me Dem TDs team that showed up on Saturday looked completely different than the team we've seen get killed all season.  Andy was on fire scoring 35 and 36 points in their doubleheader, and although they only went 1-1 on the day it wasn't for lack of good offense.  If this team can build on Saturday (and learn how to play some defense) they might actually compete in the playoffs.

 

#26 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the Mafia this weekend.  We don't have any cool stats about them either.  

 

#27 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to Spinelli's 22-16

Vaspian scored 36 points against Varsity Has Beens back on April 30th.  Here are their other offensive point totals for the season, from oldest to most recent: 19, 15, 20, 22, 12, 16.  And they're 5-2, ahead of ten other teams in the D4 standings!  There's something to be said for winning ugly, but at some point we'd like to see that offense take off.

 

#28 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Lost to Practice Squad 34-24

There are five teams in the League that are averaging under 20.0 PPG on offense, and Zack Attack is one of them.  Three of those five teams are terrible, one is not TERRIBLE but not very good, and the fifth... is Zack Attack, who own the fourth best defense in the League and are only -4 on the season so far.  

 

#29 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 15-14

Fifteen points isn't a great week, but a win's a win, and 716 is 5-2 coming into the home stretch.  They're currently tied with Vaspian for best defense in the League allowing only 17.1 PPG, and they're third in point differential too (+13.0 PPG).  This is a really solid team that CAN win their division, but likely won't get the best betting odds (fairly or otherwise) when the playoffs roll around.

 

#30 Kyle Sims - Today's Feast

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 48-19

Today's Feast had one close game this season on April 23rd when they fell to Varsity Has Beens by 6 points.  Other than that, they have won games by 16 and 42 points, and lost games by 22, 29, 31 and 40 points.  Inconsistency will probably keep the Feast out of the D4 playoffs if they can't string together two more wins to end the season.

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

 

We'll give the graphs a rest for a week and just show you a nice, simple chart.  Here are the Top Ten (and Bottom Ten) teams in the League for Offense, Defense, and Point Differential per Game:

 

 

What did we learn from this?

 

Scoring is way down from the last few sessions.  The average team is scoring (and conversely, giving up) 28.5 PPG this season.  Last Fall the average was 31.1 PPG, the Spring before that it was 30.2 PPG, and the Fall before THAT it was 29.9 PPG (aren't you glad we keep these records?).  That may not seem like a big difference, but it kind of is.  Over those last three seasons we've always had exactly three or four teams average 40+ PPG.  At this moment in this season we have zero, with our #1 scoring team (Sticky Bandits) a full 1.67 PPG behind the 40+ mark.  

 

Conversely, we now have five teams averaging under 20.0 PPG allowed on defense (all of which play in D4 or D5).  Last season we had zero, with only a handful under 20.0 PPG allowed the two seasons before that (remember when Mountain Dew Me allowed only 6.3 PPG a couple years ago??).

 

Travis Henry's Kids is the only team in the League so far this session to rank among the Top Ten best offenses AND the Top Ten best defenses.  Naturally, they're first in overall point differential.  

 

Bullet Club, TOX and Two Tuddies all managed to make the "Top Ten Worst" lists for both offense and defense.  Unsurprisingly they are a combined 1-19-1.  Hey, isn't there one guy that plays on two of those three teams?

 

Not really "points" related, but for at LEAST the fifth season in a row the TSL will finish without a single undefeated team (Breakfast Club excluded).  We don't have standings going back more than five seasons, but the website poll from July 2019 says "Public Enemy and Matty's Angels come up short in bid for undefeated seasons!" so we're betting it's at LEAST six seasons without a TSL team running the table.  Winning is hard!  On the other hand...

 

We currently have two winless teams in the TSL with two weeks to play.  Assuming Bullet Club and Two Tuddies don't BOTH pull off a miracle by June 11th, we will finish with at least one winless team for the third straight season.  Fall 2020 was the last time we had no winless teams in the League.  Losing is easy!

  

***

 

Division All-Star Teams

 

We tried this a couple seasons ago and liked the concept of it, so why not try it again?  Below are our TSL Division All-Star Teams.  Here's how it works:

  • We selected a team of 10 players from each division.  Teams had to have one designated QB, at least five other male players, and at least three female players.  The tenth spot could be either male or female depending on the strength of each particular division.
  • Every division must have at least one All-Star from EACH team in the division (except for D4 which has twelve teams fighting to fill ten spots).  After each team gets their minimum one representative, we'll fill out the rest of the roster however we want.
  • If a player plays in more than one division, they are only eligible for the highest division they play in, UNLESS it's for a different position (i.e. Jeremy Burr is eligible as both a receiver in D1 and a quarterback in D3, but Aaron Balcerzak is only eligible as a receiver in D2 and not D4).  This came up a lot.
  • This is not strictly a ranking of who the "best" player is on each team.  You might see an athlete from one team make our list over a teammate that was higher than him or her on our Male/Female Rankings from the past couple of weeks.  We're just looking for the best combination of players to fill out a team, and we'll take into account ALL that player offers when making our choices.  For example, Derek Bongiovanni was rated more highly than Kyle Conniff on our Male Players list from last week, but if we think we'd get more out of Kyle's leadership and defense, we might choose him over Derek.

 

So that's how it works.  It'll all be subjective of course so try not to get too excited when you don't see your name below.  These are the best combination of All-Star teams WE could think of given the rules above.  If you think you can do better, feel free to send us yours at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and we'll be happy to argue.

 

Oh, and the names within each category (male players vs female players) are arranged alphabetically by last name, so don't read anything into the order, they're not ranked best to worst.

 

Here are your Division All-Star Teams:

 

 

There are a million combinations we could have done, but those were the best teams WE could think of given our own set of rules here.  

 

Also we don't know "the Iceberg's" real name on Lettuce Win, but we're calling him the Iceberg because a) we can't resist the lettuce pun b) he's huge c) there's got to be more to him than we know, and d) he can totally sink your ship

 

And that's it for Division All-Stars.  We have only one other "special ranking" planned for the year and that is Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers next week.  Our June 16 article will be our usual post-season preview, so no other "Best This or That" type rankings that week.  If you have any input for which people you think should be in a TSL Hall of Fame, let us know!

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher? you thought this would be your chance to shine in the D5 all-star team listing and we still snubbed you?  the average age of our division all-star QBs is over 50 and you demand a youth movement?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

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