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Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

This week we have the following for you:

  • The second-to-last QB Rankings of the season, since we don't update these throughout playoffs.  At this point we're eight weeks into a nine-week season, so you sort of "are who you are" at this point.  You thought you'd be better eight weeks ago, right?  We're sorry it didn't work out for you.
  • One more "best offense" graph for you, along with a short comparison of scoring by division.
  • A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT on a future TSL institution that's starting up this December.

 

But first... here are your QB Rankings for the week.  Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 53-37 (D2 Crossover)

The #1 QB in our Power Rankings is now the #1 highest scoring quarterback in the TSL at 39.4 PPG.  Eyes Downtown started the season 0-2, and hasn't lost a game since.  Remember when we thought their season was over and mutiny was brewing?  Yeah, we don't know shit.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 49-19 (D2 Crossover game, Legends), beat Spinelli's Plumbing 45-40 (Cunning Stunts)

"Imagine if Legends had a real QB!" says every Joey Batts hater. They're eighth in the entire TSL in scoring... and one of the seven teams above them is Cunning Stunts.  Joey is ONE good day away from locking up the #1 seeds in both D1 and D4.  You can relax, he's doing just fine.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for Sticky Bandits this week as Mike relaxes on a beach somewhere (probably).

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 35-31

A D2 team has finally won a Crossover game against a D1 team!  Of COURSE it was Scared Hitless.  They were the only team unlucky enough to get two D1 Crossover games on their schedule this season (an unfortunate side effect of having a division with an odd number of teams) but instead of complaining about their unfair schedule they just went out and kicked ass, beating Tight Ends this week (and nearly winning their first Crossover game a few weeks back too).  Dylan... you're ready for D1.  But try to win D2 first.

 

#5 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 45-21

If anyone is going to stand in the way of Scared Hitless taking the D2 championship, it's DILFS.  Their only three losses this year have been to Scared Hitless way back in April, a D1 crossover game they almost won, and the infamous "should Garbacz have counted down the end of the game" loss to Grey Hair - Don't Care.  Oh and Dubey is actually the highest scoring quarterback in D2 right now at 33.4 PPG.  If DILFS win the championship this season, Travis will have won three of the last five D2 titles.  

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Hogan had to miss the Passed Our Prime game this week due to a combination of COVID and a paralyzing fear of facing Joey Batts.

 

#7 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Sleezin Szn 42-25

Untouchaballs just keep scoring and keep winning, and those are KIND of our only criteria for QB Power Ranking outside of "what division do you play in?".  Burr is tied for second in the TSL in scoring at 38.6 PPG, which means that Eyes Downtown now has both the #1 and #2 highest scoring QBs on its roster. That's kind of cool for them (and a bummer for the rest of us).   

 

#8 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 45-21

Notorious BNB have now lost their last three games by 27, 34 and 24 points.  Now, two of those games were against DILFS and the other was a D1 Crossover game, but still a tough stretch of football for Buchlis and team.  They have a doubleheader to end the regular season against When Dove Cries and Scared Hitless, so they could finish anywhere from 2nd to 6th in their division based on how Saturday goes.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 53-37 (D1 Crossover)

Scoring 37 points against the hottest team in the League is nothing to hang your head about.  Grey Hair - Don't Care lost the game, but their momentum is pretty strong going into the last week of our regular season.  They've won four in a row against their own division, and let's just ASSUME they beat Bullet Club to make it five in a row this week.

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Garrett may not have won a game on Saturday, but he's a winner in our books for generously buying shots for all the TSL refs in his absence on Lenny and Rameer Day.  Garrett really ought to win TSL Man of the Year every year (or whatever the equivalent award is that we give out... most dedicated male?)

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to When Dove Cries 38-26 (Bullet Club), lost to Show Me Dem TDs 22-20, beat Buffalo Vice 34-21 (Freeballers)

So Freeballers is the only team that can beat #1 seeded Untouchaballs... and yet they've lost to both of D3's lowest seeded teams, Show Me Dem TD's and Sleezin Szn?  We're not sure if this is a statement about the parity of D3 ("anyone can beat anyone on a given day!") or if it's a statement about the inconsistency of Freeballers.  Oh, and Bullet Club lost again.  That team is not helping Dylan's Power Ranking this year.

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Itches and Ohs 45-41

Last week we said "this week's Itches and Ohs game will be a big sign of whether these guys are ready to sack up and rediscover their mojo, or if they're just in freefall for the rest of the season."  4th & Something has chosen freefall.  The offense is still great, but they've given up 37, 46, 47, 38 and 45 points in their last five games.  We're not saying they won't win another game... but we are saying they're not going to win three in a row in late June to win a championship.

 

#13 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Did Not Play (forfeit win)

Forfeit wins are still wins.  XMD fears B.

 

#14 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 35-31 (D2 Crossover, Tight Ends in Motion), lost to Freeballers 34-21 (Buffalo Vice)

A week after earning his first Tight Ends in Motion win of the year in a D2 crossover game vs DILFS, Seth earns the first D1 loss of the year in another Crossover game against D2's Scared Hitless.  Scoring 31 points isn't too bad though, so unless Scared Hitless was scoring on pick-six after pick-six, Seth's defense certainly owns a share of this L.  Buffalo Vice also lost to drop to 3-5 on the season.  Tough day.

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Cunning Stunts 45-40

Teams that score 40+ points ought to win games... unless they're playing against Cunning Stunts apparently, who have allowed 40+ points three times this season and are 2-1 in those games.  Spinelli's is 4-4 in their first season in D4 (second in their division in point differential at +59) and if our math is correct we THINK they've already clinched a playoff spot since they own a tiebreaker over XMD.  D4 playoffs will be a LOT harder than D5 was last session, so Spinelli's needs to find another gear if they don't want to be just another first round playoff exit.

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 45-41, lost to Sleezin Szn 22-8

Itches had a great showing against 4th & Something putting up 45 points in a win... and a less great showing against Sleezin Szn, putting up 8 points in a loss.  Last season we talked about how these guys put up mediocre regular season stats and then they won a D4 championship regardless, so maybe we SHOULDN'T bet against them in the playoffs.  But that's exactly what we're going to do.

 

#17 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 42-25, beat Itches and Ohs 22-8

The Szn of Sleezin is here, as Newman leads his team to its second win in the last two weeks.  Yes, they've also lost games each of the last two weeks, but when you start the season 0-4 a couple of 1-1 weeks don't sound so bad.  Three of Sleezin's losses this Szn have come by a combined 4 points, so this is a team that could easily be 5-3 right now with a little more luck.  Don't count them out for a playoff run just yet.  

 

#18 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Can't Touch This 37-33

The Falcons started the season slowly but they've now won three in a row (which we're expecting will be four next week if playoff-eliminated XMD has already mentally checked out for the season) and Miano has to feel good about his momentum right now for playoffs.  Sure, they're still -2 in point differential on the season, but winning builds confidence and the ILFers have to be feeling it now.

 

#19 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Varsity Has Beens 32-26

Regular season doesn't mean shit to these guys as they chase their record-tying fifth TSL championship rings.  Loss to 1-5 Varsity Has Beens?  Who cares?  This loss won't even be remembered when they're blowing out some team 52-17 on the way to the D4 Finals.

 

#20 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 38-26

Patrick "the Logo" McGovern won his first game of the season after being a combined 0-7ish between Breakfast Club and When Dove Cries.  That's good news for all of us, as Topper had (probably) planned to shut down the entire League after this session if he couldn't personally experience the joy of a single win himself.  He's very selfish like that.  We're not ready to name When Dove Cries playoff favorites JUST yet, but we hear Scared Hitless and DILFS are quietly making plans to "Tonya Harding" our League icon before his Comeback Player of the Year season REALLY takes off.   

 

#21 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Lost to Red Zone Mafia 34-14

Wasn't Cobblestone undefeated with Darryl under center?? All good things must come to an end it seems as they got crushed by Red Zone Mafia this week.  Cobblestone was in the driver's seat for the #1 seed in D5 all season, and now they're at risk of falling to 5th place in the standings if the worst-case scenario should happen this coming Saturday.  Darryl's been an underdog before, he can handle that role.  

 

#22 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Southside 33-29

Maybe we don't crown these guys D6 champions quite yet.  Sure, they're still winning games (seven in a row, longest streak in the TSL) but for the third time this season Travis Henry's Kids won by a single score.  What happens in the playoffs when nerves enter the picture and John isn't winning by 15 at halftime?  Anything can happen...

 

#23 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Not So Sticky 41-23, beat Cobblestone 34-14

Red Zone Mafia won their doubleheader by a combined 75-37 score in an absolutely dominant day that pushed Blake and his teammates from just over .500 to second place in the D5 standings.  Red Zone Mafia are just behind TMA for best point differential per game in D5, and if they have their full team for playoffs they might be considered the favorites.

 

#24 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play (forfeit loss)

"DMX" never would have lost a playoff spot via forfeit.

 

#25 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 37-15, beat Freeballers 22-20

Show Me Dem TDs is definitely showing life late in the season with their first "quality" win of the season (minor disrespect intended to Sleezin Szn who, in our defense, were winless going into the week that Andy played them).  Of course losing to a Garrett-less Frodo Swaggins on the same day isn't great.  This feels more like a team to keep an eye on next season, rather than one we expect to compete this season.

 

#26 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Lost to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 37-33

The four-game winning streak is over as Can't Touch This finally lost a game to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons on Saturday.  "These guys figured out the co-ed touch game, and now they're going to be unstoppable" was too convenient of a narrative.  Everyone wins and loses games.  Can't Touch This will have to scrap and claw their way to a championship just like everyone else. 

 

#27 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 47-15

This is what we've been waiting for!  Zack Attack have been competitive ALL season, but they've mostly been carried by their "third best in the TSL" defense.  Saturday's beatdown of Today's Feast was their first game scoring over 24 points since April 23rd.  The offense came to life, the defense STILL played well, and this is what Zack Attack's potential should look like.

 

#28 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to TOX 27-14

Vaspian started the season 5-0 and they are 0-3 since, averaging 14 points per game throughout their losing streak.  They are second best in the TSL in defense, and fourth WORST in the TSL for offense.  This was all fine when they were winning, but they have GOT to find another gear on offense if they want to escape the first round of playoffs.  

 

#29 Jeff Easton - Tater Tots

Last Week:  Beat 716 44-14

The Tater Tots have gone through so many QBs this season it's been tough to get a handle on how good they are as a team.  With just a week left in the regular season though they're 5-2 in the standings AND they boast the fourth best defense in the League.  If only they had a consistently great QB on their roster... and that's where former Bullet Club ace Jeff Easton comes in.  The Tots have beaten two GOOD teams with Easton under center the past couple weeks (716 and Red Zone Mafia).  Easton might just be the missing piece here to get the Tots into the D5 championship game this session.

 

#30 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Lost to Tater Tots 44-14

A 30-point loss is never fun, but what's even worse is the way the 716 offense is trending lately.  They've scored only 22, 19, 15 and 14 points in their last four games, in that order.  They're also 2-2 over that stretch so the defense has been bailing them out a bit, but what happened to the team that averaged 45 PPG over a three-game stretch earlier this season?  Derek needs to re-discover THAT offense in time for playoffs.  

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

 

Here's the same offensive "points per game" graph you've seen a half dozen times before, but with all the divisions combined into one "best to worst" view so you can see how bad you are against OTHER divisions, not just your own!

 

 

Curious how each division's scoring compares against each other?  So were we:

 

 

Looks like D1 is where our highest scoring games are being played this session by a pretty wide lead, followed by D3, D2 and D4 (which are nearly the same), D6, and lastly D5 which is dominated by good defenses (or sloppy offenses, take your pick).

 

We don't put TOO much stock in "points per game" as the biggest factor in our QB Rankings, but going back to that first graph above, it's worth noting that if Cunning Stunts had scored ONE more point so far this season, then the quarterbacks of our three highest scoring teams this season would ALSO be our Top Three QBs in the Power Rankings in that exact order.  This is more of a coincidence than anything we had planned, but to anyone who says "your QB rankings are way off"... well, least at the TOP of the Rankings, the math says we're actually spot on! 

 

If we HAD to bet on who will finish the season #1 in scoring, we'd say The Untouchaballs have the inside track.  Let's assume only teams currently scoring over 37 PPG have a realistic chance at this... what do our matchups for the last week of the season look like?

  • Eyes Downtown starts the day with a 6-point lead, but they play Legends who are by far the best defense in D1.
  • Sticky Bandits play Tight Ends in Motion, a team they scored only 20 points against in their last matchup.
  • The Untouchaballs play Frodo Swaggins, a team that has given up 40+ points on defense three times this session.
  • Cunning Stunts play Varsity Has Beens (they'll score 40+ here) and then Zack Attack (who are allowing less than 20 PPG, and historically have done well against the Stunts).  
  • Travis Henry's Kids are probably done for the season with both teams agreeing to a "rain-out reschedule tie" so their scoring average will end at 37.3 PPG.
  • Spinelli's Plumbing will play Practice Squad, the 8th best defense in the TSL and best team in their division.

It's got to be Untouchaballs here, right?  Although don't count out Two Tuddies, who need only 204 points against Tater Tots this week to catch up to Eyes Downtown!

 

***

 

The TSL Hall of Fame

 

Earlier this season when we were debating what kind of topics would be fun to rank (male non-QBs, female players, division all-stars, best teams of all time...) we thought it would be a great idea to rank future TSL "Hall of Famers".  Of course, we don't have an actual Hall of Fame, so this was just a theoretical exercise to debate who would be the most worthy inductees.  But then the more we started talking about it, the more we realized, damn... there SHOULD be an real TSL Hall of Fame!

 

So, after conferring with the boss man, here is the plan: we're going to make an actual TSL Hall of Fame.  No, Topper probably isn't going to purchase land in Cooperstown (or Lancaster) and construct an actual building for this, but we DO plan to add a "TSL Hall of Fame" section to the website and induct actual TSL legends past and present every year.  We're still working out all the details, but the current goal is to announce these Hall of Fame Inductees at the Banquet every winter.  Hall of Fame classes will be small and exclusive (three to five inductees per year) and they'll cover the full end of the spectrum: our best athletes, our best bar legends, anyone who has significantly contributed to the history of our great League.  Seems like a great way to honor people that have made huge contributions to this League that is so important to so many of us.

 

Now that we know that this is really happening, it doesn't make sense for us to "rank" Hall of Famers in this week's article.  The TSL QB Power Ranking Committee has no idea who the first Hall of Fame class will be, and we don't want to give the impression that OUR choices are first in line for the honor.  Really, how are WE qualified to do this?  We can't even get your quarterback rankings right!  So instead of us throwing out a bunch of ideas here, we'll ask the following instead: if you have an idea who should be enshrined in a TSL Hall of Fame, please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  We aren't going to take MOST of your suggestions, at least not in Year One, but will give us a sense of "we HAVE to include this man/woman" if they keep coming up in multiple emails.

 

We look forward to hearing from you!

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher? you want us to spend more time calling out teams at the BOTTOM of our charts on how bad they are? you don't plan on emailing us your Hall of Fame ideas but you're already mad about us not including you?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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