Week 5 Rankings

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Created: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:08

Published: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:08

Written by Patrick McGovern

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Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

Last week we looked at the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  This week we look at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL (and we even have one of our fancy "Team Graphs" for you).  Next week we look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  And of course, this week and every week we will also be looking at the Greatest QBs in the TSL (it's what we get "paid" for, after all).  

Enjoy!

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 38-16 (Legends)

There have been ten D1 games so far this session, excluding crossover games.  Four games been decided by 11+ points (more than one score).  All four were Legends games (three wins and a loss).  Cunning Stunts aren't exactly struggling either, though they didn't play this week.  Still #1 in your Rankings and in your heart, Joey Batts.

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 49-48

Bobby moves up one spot in the Rankings with a nearly flawless game against the Sticky Bandits.  Eyes Downtown have won three in a row now against all three of their D1 opponents after starting the season 0-2.  Whatever was wrong with these guys doesn't seem like a problem anymore.

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-48, beat Scared Hitless 33-30

Thomas is still the highest scoring quarterback in D1 and is just a few plays away from being 6-0 this season.  Of course he's also a few plays away from being 1-5 this season, so tough to know what to make of that.  The Sticky Bandits are the only D1 team to have not lost a game by more than 6 points so far this session (Legends will look to change that this week).

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 54-14

There are only two teams in the TSL averaging more than 40 PPG right now: one of them is Notorious BNB, and the other plays in D4.  Bullet Club is struggling but 54 is a good day for Buchlis no matter who the opponent.  Notorious BNB is now the only team in D2 with only one loss in the standings (even though our website has them in 4th for some reason).

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 27-8

It's strange when Passed Our Prime is NOT leading their division in scoring, but right now they're #2 to Notorious BNB (there's a chart below if you want to scroll down a bit).  Bullet Club is allowing the fourth most points per game in the League, so we're a little disappointed Hogan couldn't put up 50+ against them.  Must have been an off day.

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 14-0, lost to Sticky Bandits 33-30 (Crossover game)

We don't care even a little that Dylan lost the TSL's first Crossover game of the season against a D1 team.  If anything it's impressive that they almost won.  That shutout loss against Grey Hair - Don't Care though... that was unexpected.  We know they weren't at full strength, but getting blanked is enough to drop Dylan a couple spots in the Rankings this week.

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 38-16 (TEIM), beat Frodo Swaggins 47-46 (Buffalo Vice)

The Tight Ends in Motion offense is averaging 17.5 PPG in their last two weeks, both losses.  The Buffalo Vice offense is averaging 39.0 PPG in their last two weeks, both wins.  We suspect Seth is having more fun with the latter.  Maybe Dan Gonzalez is a faster receiver than Ben Stack.  Can we have them race?

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 37-15

The Untouchaballs have the best record, best offense, (second) best defense, and the best point differential in D3.  Do they have the best quarterback too?  What's the highest a pure D3 quarterback has ever gone in our Rankings before?  We should look that up.  Next week will be the Battle of the 'Balls between Untouchaballs and Freeballers, debatably the next best team in the division, in what should be the game of the week.

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 14-0, beat DILFS 40-39

Grey Hair - Don't Care started the season 0-3, and they're on a 3-0 tear ever since.  Shutout win over division-leading Scared Hitless, huge win (with absolutely zero controversy) over DILFS... Eickhoff has completely turned around his team's season over the past couple of weeks.  Grey Hair looks to be one of maybe five real contenders in D2 this season.  

#10 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

DILFS went 1-1 without Dubey this week.  We wonder how he would have reacted to the "Garbacz Incident"...

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 54-14, lost to Passed Our Prime 27-8 (Bullet Club)

Hey how about those Freeballers?  They had a bye this week and they've only played three games this session.  We THINK they're still undefeated with Dylan quarterbacking, so that's pretty exciting.  Yes, there is absolutely nothing else to talk about with teams that Dylan quarterbacks, so let's move along to the next guy in our Rankings...

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 47-46

Oh, Garrett.  You love the TSL so much that you're committed to giving the fans their money's worth every week as they watch the end of your games.  Never a dull moment.  Frodo seems destined to finish 4-4-1 with a +0 point differential.  We look forward to their quadruple overtime playoff games next month.  

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Scotty lost one game against Untouchaballs and he needed a week off to regroup.  After two straight weeks of meditation and silent reflection, we expect he will never lose another game.

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 46-29

We were ready to crown these guys as D4 champions a couple weeks ago when they were murdering everyone in their path.  Obviously it's too early to panic (they still have the best point differential in their division, and the best offense in the entire League at 42.6 PPG) but still, maybe they aren't as destined for the championship game as we once thought.  

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Itches and Ohs game this week due to the weather situation for our 3 o' clock games.  Lucky for them, we hear they were missing Steve anyway.

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 22-15

Fifteen points?  B, you're supposed to be better than that.  This was Practice Squad's first loss of the year (and against another undefeated team) so we'll let it slide and keep you in the #16 spot this week, despite all the pressure we get from your detractors to #MoveBdown.

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play

XMD is 0.5 PPG away from joining the elite 40+ PPG club.  Maybe next week Jeff!

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 32-17

We learned this week that before Puckett All-Stars were "Puckett All-Stars", they were "Cupcake" and "Go Fumble Yourself".  No word on whether TJ QBed all those iterations of this team, but we short-changed them on our All-Time Team Rankings last week by treating the four time champs as three separate teams.  Sorry guys... don't change names so much!  The combined Puckett All-Stars/Cupcake/Go Fumble Yourself Team has won two D4 championships as well as a D5 and a D6 title (good for #29 on our all time Ranking).  They're also tied with A&A for second most championships of all time, and if they win D4 this session they will tie Public Enemy for most championships in TSL history with five.  

#19 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 51-12

Red Zone Mafia had their second 50+ point game of the season on Saturday and they're one of three 1-Loss teams at the top of the D5 standings.  We don't factor in non-QB contributions to these rankings, but if we did Blake would be towards the top our list.

#20 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Sleezin Szn has only played three games, and Newman didn't make at least one of them, and they haven't won a game yet.  Slow start to this Szn!

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Lost to Today's Feast 36-20

Joe Cool has had an up and down season for the Falcons, beating Spinelli's one week and losing to the Feast the next.  We're still not sure how good this team is, and they've been in the League forever now.  Lump them into that "dangerous enough that they can beat anyone, but also inconsistent enough that they could get rocked in the first round of playoffs" category.

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 22-15

Vaspian is undefeated and yet they have only the 34th best points per game in the TSL.  The fact that they allow 16.0 PPG on defense is a huge part of their success, and frankly the reason Brian isn't higher on this list despite having a better record in his division than six of the quarterbacks ranked higher than him.  Is that fair?  We're not sure!

#23 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Tater Tots 34-14

Cobblestone is #1 in the D5 standings with a 5-1 record after thoroughly handling the Tots this week.  They're a fairly balanced team this year boasting the division's third best offense and third best defense.  But their defense doesn't have famous hair and the offense does, so Darryl gets the credit.  Sorry LeSeaon.

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 46-29

Who is this guy?  We don't know much about Ryan Dougherty or Can't Touch This (if only they would e-mail us!) but after a miserable start to the season (0-3 and averaging 11 PPG) they've now ripped off two wins in a row against Practice Squad and... Spinelli's Plumbing?  Okay.  We'll keep an eye on these guys.

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for John "The Arm" Langley this week.

***

Here's a quote from our very own Power Rankings Committee two weeks ago: "We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below."

Well, it's two weeks later!  This is usually the cut-off in the season where most teams have actually played enough games for stats to have SOME meaning.  The average team has played 4.82 games so far (more than halfway through our season), and TMA has already played seven games somehow, so we're ready to actually start discussing trends.  Here's the same graph, but with more meaningful results:

So what have we learned from this?

Spinelli's Plumbing is still the highest scoring team in the League two weeks after they dominated our original chart, but their ridiculous lead over the next best team has dwindled from nearly 10 PPG to less than 1 PPG as Notorious BNB is right on their heels for best offense in the TSL.  Spinelli's and BNB are the only teams in the League scoring more than 40 PPG.

If 40+ PPG is the gold standard for great offenses, then 20 PPG or less should be considered the "gold standard" for terrible offenses.  And we've got several of them with TEN teams failing to average 20+ PPG.  We won't name them all (you can read a graph, right?) but TOX, Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers are currently battling it out for last place offensively.

The League is currently averaging 28.0 PPG, so if your team is scoring more than that, you're better than average.  The same works for defense by the way (which we haven't shown above), if your team is averaging giving up more than 28.0 PPG, you can throw a little blame on your defense.

D1 appears to be the most even division top to bottom with only 10.3 PPG separating the Sticky Bandits from Tight Ends in Motion (if you'd asked us pre-season for best and worst D1 offenses, we might have guessed it'd be these two teams but in the reverse order).  There's a lot more disparity in other divisions though:  D2-D5 all have more than 20 PPG separating the top from the bottom, and D6 is a story of two sub-divisions (three teams that can score, and three that cannot).

The teams leading their respective divisions in offense right now are a combined 21-8.  The teams that have the FEWEST points per game in their divisions right now are a combined 2-24-1.  Tough to win without a productive offense.

Untouchaballs are undefeated in D3 and they lead their division in scoring, which makes sense.  Vaspian are undefeated in D4 and they are 9th in their division in scoring, which makes... less sense.  

Nothing to do with the TSL of course, but the Bills' best two offensive seasons during their '90s run came in the years they got destroyed in the SuperBowl, and the years their offense wasn't as good were the years they almost won.  Go figure.

***

The Greatest Female Players in the TSL

Remember when we had all those championship statistics to support our "Greatest Teams of All Time" last week?  Yeah, we don't have ANY of that for what we're about to attempt.  Below are the greatest active female players in the TSL, as determined by our own panel of experts along with input from everyone that emailed us this week to weigh in.  We didn't take all of your suggestions (we don't even know who some of the girls we were emailed about are) but when you see the same names over and over again it's kind of obvious who the best really are.  It's also kind of obvious when we look at the names being submitted that we're going through an interesting transition period with females in the League, as many of the top names from years past have gotten pregnant, injured or simply retired since last season.  Robin Makula, Katie Salisbury, Emily Curry, Lindsay Stoddard, none of those girls are playing this session.  And holy shit, that was just the Tight Ends in Motion roster.  Damn, they were stacked.  Margo is gone, Taylor is a part timer / awesome ref, Val is pregnant, Maggie seems to be gone.  It's a whole new era for the TSL and time for new women to step up and fill some pretty big shoes.

So here's what we're looking for on our "Greatest Female Players" list:

• Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best female players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
• Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
• They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned her, you won't see her name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

• Brittany Clarke - Cunning Stunts
• Ashton Fiegel - Practice Squad
• Amanda Paolucci - Passed Our Prime
• Emily Schilling - Frodo Swaggins, Cunning Stunts
• Elena Schratz - Passed Our Prime
• Jennifer Stachura - Come From Behind
• Katie Swanson - Spinelli's Plumbing, Lenny's Ladies
• Amy Taylor - The Notorious BNB
• Jackie Ufholz - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Red Zone Mafia

And now... your top Twenty Female Players in the TSL:

#20: Mackenzie Neary - Eyes Downtown, Blitzkrieg

The only girl in our League to play both D1 and D6 (how good to you have to be in D6 for D1 teams to start recruiting you?) Mackenzie Neary has never dropped a pass in her TSL career.  No, that can't be true, but it feels like it sometimes.  She's also a really solid route runner.

#19: Talia Calabro - When Dove Cries, Freeballers

Remember when Talia was just the really fun party girl everyone loved?  Oh she's still that girl, but somewhere along the line she got like 50x better at football, and now she's ripping it up in D2 and D3.  If we had a "Most Improved Player" award, she'd be one of our finalists.

#18: Renee Lantz - Practice Squad, Cunning Stunts

Renee "Best Lantz" Lantz always seems to be diving for the ball on offense AND defense.  She must be fairly durable to be flying around so much and not break everything.  Renee plays like her hair is on fire and has great instincts and athleticism.  Every team would be improved with a Renee.

#17: Nicole Sharick - Sticky Bandits

Nicole Sharick is an elite pass rusher on defense and one of the fastest girls in the TSL once she reaches her top speed.  She's capable of turning a 5 yard out into a 20 yard run after catch, which makes her especially dangerous when teams try to cover her with another girl.

#16: Maddie Norton - Legends, Varsity Has Beens

The former Cobblestone star has emerged from Darryl's Hair's shadow (how many times did we hear "who is THAT girl and why isn't she playing in a higher division?") and is now making a name for herself on the best team in D1, as well as running her own team in D4.  Maddie's a baller.

#15: Kelly Liddle - Legends, Cunning Stunts

Oh of course Kelly Liddle was going to be on this list.  She's been playing for like twenty years (sorry Kelly!) but she doesn't look like she's even close to losing a step.  Combine brains with athleticism and speed (and sure, good looks) and this is what you get.  Always a terror to play against.

#14: Sam Lattuca - Red Zone Mafia

By far the TSL's all-time female leader in passing touchdowns, Sam has the arm to throw and the vision/decisiveness to always make the RIGHT throw.  Oh, she can do everything else too, tenacious defense, catch passes, whatever you need, but it's her passing abilities that truly separate her from the rest of the League.

#13: Cat Peters - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

This All We Do is Quinn legend has gone on to fame as part of the Scared Hitless three-headed dragon that every D2 opponent cries about after they lose.  Cat is fast as hell and often ends up covered by another girl which is a recipe for disaster for that team.  And she's super nice too!

#12: Brandy Clarke - Cunning Stunts

If we're underrating one player on this entire list, we are confident it's Brandy Clarke.  She could play with any team in any division and immediately excel, but it's harder to stand out now that she's only on one team and surrounded by other Stunts talent at that.  She MIGHT be the single best defender in our Rankings too (see: #4 on this list for her only competition).  

#11: Rachel Parker - Sleezin Szn, Lenny's Ladies

Her teams are a combined 1-6 right now but don't blame that on Rachel Parker.  She's still a bad-ass who demands male coverage or she'll absolutely torch your team (and she'll probably torch it even covered by a guy).  Speed, route running and hands, she's the total package.

#10: Misty Himes - Zack Attack, Lenny's Ladies

There's speed and there's speed.  Looking at our Top Twenty here there's maybe ONE girl who's truly "faster" than Misty Himes?  It changes the way teams play defense when they have to account for speed like hers.  How does Zack Attack not average 40 PPG when they can just dump it off to Misty and watch her run?

#9: Laura Streeter - Sticky Bandits, Itches and Ohs

Laura Streeter is one of the most well-rounded players in the League.  Speed and hands on offense, aggressive and smart on defense, AND the stamina to go both ways all day for two teams.  She's a big part of why the Sticky Bandits are suddenly competitive in D1, and we're pretty sure she's at least 60% of the reason Itches and Ohs won D4 last session.

#8: Amber Hay - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Legends

If Talia doesn't win our fictional "Most Improved Player Award", it's because it went to Amber.  Remember when she wasn't THAT good a couple sessions ago?  Well she's picked up a few tricks since.  The speed was always there, but better hands and route running and defense and general play-making have made Amber a real asset to her teams.

#7: Cheryl Julicher - When Dove Cries

This is what we wrote last year: "Cheryl may go down as the GOAT whenever she retires (does she ride off into the sunset with Public Enemy?), and she has been the standard for years on what a top female can be in this League.  Her speed isn't elite, but she has great hands, she's tough as nails, gets open, and always makes the play that needs to be made."  All still true, except she's downgraded from Chris Cole to Topper at QB!

#6: Rachel Grampp - Eyes Downtown, Freeballers

Bobby's best weapon in D1 and Dylan's best weapon in D3, Rachel is just a great athlete and seems to thrive at everything on the football field.  With the game on the line and down by 8 points, she's the one her quarterbacks will be looking to for the big play.  

#5: Heather Cepuchowski - Legends

Heather is the highest ranked Public Enemy girl??  How about that.  She's really thriving this season on Legends and has been their best girl so far.  Heather always knows how to get open short or deep, and always seems to make a play on the ball.  There was a lot of debate about the ranking of the #6-#20 spots (and honorable mentions) but Heather (and the girl directly above her) made nearly everyone on our Committee's ballot in their Top Five.

#4: Jaimie Warren - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

Jaimie is elite in just about every aspect of the game (though we're not sure we've ever seen her rush the passer; presumably she'd be great at that too).  Route running and hands are A+ caliber and she's constantly nominated for "Best Defender" awards at our banquets for a reason.  Scared Hitless, we hope you know how lucky you are to have three of the top 13 girls in the League.

#3: Katie Keller - DILFS, 4th & Something

Now we get to the Top Three.  Every single one of our Committee members that submitted ballots had the exact same Top Three, though in slightly different orders.  In other words, no one ranked Katie Keller lower than 3rd best in the TSL.  She isn't the fastest girl in the League (we'll get to her next!) but her playmaking ability and instincts make the pride of the Keller clan (sorry Scotty) a threat on every play.  

#2: Caitlyn Mason - Buffalo Vice, Lenny's Ladies

Caitlyn is the fastest girl in the League.  Top speed and quickness are two different concepts we realize, but Caitlyn might be the best at both.  How many times have we seen her take routine catches and turn them into massive gains by juking around the entire defense?  It's almost unfair to the rest of us.  It's impossible to imagine another girl covering Caitlyn with any success.  Oh and she's great on defense too.

#1: Melanie Linsmair - Scared Hitless, Untouchaballs

Melanie Linsmair is the best female athlete in the TSL.  We ranked her third last year and said "you may not be aware of her yet.  You'll learn the name soon, we promise."  By now you must know who she is.  Teams KNOW the ball is coming to her and they still can't stop it.  Speed and toughness and hands and toughness (which we know we just said twice).  If you've played against her, you understand why she's #1.  She's also young and just seems to be getting started.  The future is bright.  

So now that you've seen our Greatest Female Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("Amber is way too high!  Kelly is way too low!  How is Katie Swanson just an honorable mention?!") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on the next set of rankings!  Next week we'll be looking at the Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a male player that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

• May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
• June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
• June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

***

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  that random girl who caught a touchdown once on your team isn't in our Top Females list?  graphs remind you of how dumb you felt in high school?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

What’s YOUR ranking?

TSL Business Contacts

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Created: Sunday, 19 September 2021 12:19

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Sports Injury & Therapy

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Week 3 Thoughts, Picks & Stuff

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Created: Friday, 03 September 2021 14:27

Published: Friday, 03 September 2021 14:27

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, as you prepare yourselves for battle this weekend upon the hallowed grounds at the Rose Garden, I have one simple request for you:

Help Topper and Lenny’s friend Kathy.

You see, Topper asked me to mention that Kathy is helping with the “Stand Down” event to assist Veterans. In fact, to make this easier to explain, here is what Topper sent me for information on the event:

“On behalf of the Veterans One-stop Center of WNY, for the next two Saturdays we will be collecting items at the fields.  If you can please help out and pass this along to your teammates, it would be great for the TSL to come through in a big way for them.

Here is list of items that we could use for the Stand Down event. It is the 20th anniversary of the event in Buffalo and it is a resource event for veterans that are homeless or at risk of homelessness. It is open to all veterans though, because they’re great resources for all to know. If you wanted to do a collection at football that would be awesome, we’d greatly appreciate it. All of the items will still need to be in packaging.

We are in need of the following:

•  Socks

•  Underwear- all sizes

•  Soap

•  Shampoo

•  Toothbrushes/Toothpaste

•  Blankets”

In other words, Let’s get donating and really show a big friend of the TSL some love in her efforts for a really good cause. Kathy has graciously donated her time again and again to being Topper’s wedding date recently, so she’s really earned the TSL’s help here as she’s “jumped on the grenade” more than once for all of us. If that wasn’t enough to show you that she’s family, she also used to work for Lenny, and one time wore a Lobster costume for him and sang “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” at his birthday request.

I truly can not believe I just typed that sentence out, but here we are. The point is, she’s earned her TSL stripes over the years, so if we can give back to a good cause for her, we should. Please share this with your team chats and see what you can do, if anything. If you don’t donate that’s okay too, it isn’t a prerequisite, but if you don’t you’ll be silently judged by the masses. Then again, that was probably happening anyway.

Let’s show the community why the TSL is the greatest football family in the world.

Anyway, with that said, let’s talk some football.

D1:

Last Week’s Games:

Losing Streak 32, Tight Ends In Motion 26

              Really dynamite stuff out of D1 last weekend, as Slob Kabombs bailed on their rematch with Public Enemy early Saturday morning. But the one matchup we did have was quite exciting, sort of. TEIM decided to put the schedule requests into the hands of known Potted Plant Assaulter Eric Kleckler who, instead of asking for the exact day of Bro’s wedding off, he just asked for “Week 1” off. You can see where this is going. A decent chunk of TEIM couldn’t be at the fields. They went up 26-0, but Losing Streak figured them out and got the big comeback win. Good for LS, who sit at 1-1 on the season. They lost a game they should’ve had when they were shorthanded, and got one when their opponents were. They fit in just fine here.

This Week’s Games:

Tight Ends In Motion vs Slob Kabombs (+13) – Assuming we don’t get another forfeit, TEIM should get their shot to wipe the floor with Slob Kabombs this week. You know they’re already going to be annoyed that they’re 0-1, so they’re going to make up for that this week with a big win. TIGHT ENDS BY 20

Tight Ends In Motion vs Sticky Bandits (+6) – Hey look! It’s Sticky Bandits, finally. Sticky Nation returns after properly requesting off for a teammate’s wedding to finally play their first game of the season. And what a game to return to. When we last saw these two teams on the field together, Mike Thomas was throwing a game winning TD to Dean Thompson in the semi-finals. Only, he wasn’t. He was sacked, allegedly, and TEIM would go on to win it all. Like they will here. TIGHT ENDS BY 8

D2:

Last Week’s Games:

A&A 39, When Dove Cries 30

A&A 41, XTC 38

The Notorious BNB 42, Passed Our Prime 39

              A&A beat two QBs who are a combined 352 years old last week to move on to a 3-0 record, tops in the division. They’re currently the #1 ranked team in the TSL according to the very mysterious “Topper Metrics” in the standings, but rightfully so. Meanwhile, The Notorious BNB is essentially a low-end D1 team hiding out in D2, and they stole a win from Passed Our Prime on a rather controversial call.

This Week’s Games:

When Dove Cries vs Bullet Club (+7) – The Topper vs Joe K rivalry has been going on for quite sometime now. I have to assume they have alcohol on the line. Right now though, I feel like WDC currently has the edge on Bullet Club, who may just be a D3 team hiding in D2. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 12

The Notorious BNB vs Top Shot (+7) – Top Shot attempted to go to D1, but eventually dropped to D2 when Chris Nelson broke up with them. BNB, as we said, is essentially a D1 team. So if Top Shot is looking to see how they measure up in D1, this is a good start. I’m already certain that this will be some dumb Dark Blue vs Black shirts matchup where nobody is smart enough to wear white. All jokes aside, this is a good measuring stick matchup. THE NOTORIOUS BNB BY 3

Scared Hitless vs XTC (+1) – Scared Hitless is off to a better start in D2 than they were last year, and now they get to play the “haven’t won a game since we added Joey Batts because he’s secretly trash” XTC. XTC is 0-2, but they’ve lost both games by a combined 4 points. They’re very close to being 2-0 and flipping the narrative. XTC BY 6

When Dove Cries vs Scared Hitless (+7) – These two teams are very similar. They both have great females and suspect QBs. It’ll come down to which group of guys are better, and right now I think it’s the team wearing orange. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 7

Top Shot vs XTC (+4) – The second game for both teams as we have a lot of D2 action this weekend. XTC is smart, but the truth is Sean for Top Shot is a superstar. Dylan isn’t. Yet. This guy will win QB of the Year multiple times in his career. Watch. Give me the younger team with the best player on the field in the second game of the day. TOP SHOT BY 9

Passed Our Prime vs Bullet Club (+6) – Another D2 team with a double header as Bullet Club also goes up against Passed Our Prime this weekend. POP can score, that’s for sure. They struggle with defense though. Anyone who has seen Bullet Club for the last decade knows you can describe them the same way. This could be a really fun shootout. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 9

A&A vs Passed Our Prime (+7) – POP gets their real test in A&A, who are the cream of the crop currently. I’m looking forward to this game, assuming both squads are at full strength. This could be a fun one. A&A BY 5

D3:

Last Week’s Games:

Grey Hair 20, The Angels 17

The Untouchaballs 36, Show Me Dem TDs 8

Last Dance 48, Cobblestone 6

Show Me Dem TDs 32, Super Freaks 21

Cobblestone 30, The Untouchaballs 6

4^th and Dong 38, Super Freaks 30

              Grey Hair continued their dominance over The Angels who lose a close one again. Meanwhile, Cobblestone lost 48-6 but then beat Untouchaballs 30-6, after Untouchaballs beat SMDTDs 36-8, who would then beat Super Freaks 32-21. My point is that D3 is a blender of ridiculousness that is must see TV since anyone can beat anyone on any given Saturday.

This Week’s Games:

Last Dance vs The Angels (+7) – If there’s one thing the girls want less in this world than having to wake up for a early game, its to hear JZ screaming at 10:02am. That alone is motivation for them to remind the TSL just who run the world. Girls. THE ANGELS BY 12

Frodo Swaggins vs The Untouchaballs (+6) – Garrett drops back down to play QB in D3 where he belongs, after a 72 interception performance in D1 last week. Frodo is weirdly just 0-0-1 this season. Do they have an answer for Jeremy Burr, Melanie Linsmair and the “look out because we’ve arrived except for that last game just ignore that” Untouchaballs? Yes. Yes they do. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 19

Grey Hair Don’t Care vs Super Freaks (+10) – The Super Freaks when 0-2 last weekend but they were in both games. Ralph Finney might not be a QB, but he’s too smart at this game to not figure it out fast. I think they’re going to be a very tough out as the season goes on. Grey Hair is just par for the course right now. 2-0, cruising along. They know what they need to be doing, and they do it. Like they will here. GREY HAIR BY 8

Freeballers vs Show Me Dem TDs (+10) – One of my esteemed informants gave me some information that Freeballers are moving away from George Lombardo at QB and going with Dylan Jaloza instead. It’s a great move when you consider Dylan is a better QB anyway, but George hasn’t been too shabby either. I mean, they did win D4 with him. I’m not entirely sure why, but it seems its work related. I’m still not sure what SMDTDs is yet. This is a good test for them. FREEBALLERS BY 11

Cobblestone vs 4^th And Dong (+20) – It’s the summer of Darryl. 4^th and Dong are nice people, but Cobblestone is clearly America’s team, and Darryl is looking to drop 37 points in the first half alone on 4^th and Dong.*

*-this preview was sponsored by and paid for Darryl Carr, QB Superstar.

D4:

Last Week’s Games:

Cunning Stunts 34, Puckett All-Stars 22

Buffalo Vice 20, Zack Attack 14

Zack Attack 20, Puckett All-Stars 14

Itches and Ohs 51, Practice Squad 38

Gucci 26, Today’s Feast 22

Itches and Ohs 36, Breast Friends 35

Practice Squad 46, Breast Friends 35

              The Puckett All-Stars are in the middle of realizing that when you pick up All We Do Is Quinn players, you get their ability to lose in the regular season as well as they go 0-2 this past week. Zack Attack gets their first win in D4, a 20-14 tilt over Puckett after losing to Buffalo Vice by the same score earlier in the day. Eventually, the TSL is going to have to admit Steve Moser is good at football whether they like him or not. He took two more wins home, and has Itches and Ohs sitting as the #2 team according to Topper Metrics. Breast Friends had a tough day at the office, but I’m pretty sure Travis Cleavenger-Bernal was exhausted by the end of his 4^th game in the brutal heat. Gucci takes home their first win in the TSL, giving Today’s Feast their first TSL loss as well. A lot of fun firsts!

This Week’s Games:

Today’s Feast vs Vaspian (+7) – I’m not sure if TF is the baller team from Week 1 or the team that lost in Week 2. They take on a veteran Vaspian squad that is still finding itself. Good times are ahead for Vaspian. VASPIAN BY 8

Cunning Stunts vs Today’s Feast (+8) – Things don’t get easier for TF as they’re thrown into the fire that is the Cunning Stunts. They’re just a great gender team led by a tiny QB with a big mouth. These girls know how to play, don’t underestimate them. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12

Practice Squad vs Puckett All-Stars (+3) – Two 1-2 teams who really could use this victory for tiebreaker purposes. Both teams are off to shaky starts, and they’re kind of in the same position, except that PS might have the worst defense in the league right now. They’ve allowed a ridiculous 44 points a game, which is just a trend that I can’t imagine continuing. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 8

Zack Attack vs Breast Friends (+3) – The two best teams from D5 face off in a D4 matchup this season. BFs got off to a rough start last week, but that shouldn’t be the norm. As for the Attack, they’re getting better every week. The defense is still very good, even if it isn’t as great as its been. This should be a fun one. ZACK ATTACK BY 2

Zack Attack vs Titsburgh Feelers (+10) – The only data we have on the Feelers is that they got their shit kicked in in their first game ever by Today’s Feast who may not even be that good. That doesn’t bode well for the newbies. Zack should roll in this one. ZACK ATTACK BY 16

Itches and Ohs vs Buffalo Vice (+1) – I really hope Seth shows up so we can have the 58-55 final this game deserves. It’s going to be high scoring, and it’s going to be exciting. These are two of my favorite teams and yes, this is a D4 championship game preview. ME. I AM THE WINNER HERE. ALSO BUFFALO VICE BY 1.

Falconies vs Titsburgh Feelers (+6) – I’m not 100% sure who either team really is yet. But I do know that Joe Miano is a star who is wasting his talents in D4. This should be his “secondary” team. FALCONIES BY 10

Cunning Stunts vs Gucci (+8) – If the rumors are true, and we have Gucci rocking their female QB, then this is everything we’ve ever wanted. A fantastic gender team vs a gender QB who could also be fantastic, I mean, we don’t know. Historically, co-ed teams try to get gender TDs to keep up with the girls teams. But what if you just get one star QB female? Let’s find out. CUNNING STUNTS BY 2

D5:

Last Week’s Games:

716 41, TOX 31

Not So Sticky 20, Wasted Potential 14

Lettuce Win 28, Come From Behind 16

               Perhaps the demise of TOX was a little overblown, as they hung in there with 716 before ultimately falling. Not So Sticky accidentally beat Wasted Potential, which just means they weren’t drunk enough. And Lettuce Win took a victory from CFB, who were making their TSL return!

This Week’s Games:

Wasted Potential vs Lettuce Win (+1) – I still need more data points on Lettuce Win to really give them the edge over a team in WP that I know can play very, very well when they want to. You know, when they play to their potential. WASTED POTENTIAL BY 8

Wasted Potential vs Come From Behind (+3) – CFB is a veteran team that knows what they’re supposed to be doing, even if they don’t execute it properly every time. But they’re smart, and that can’t be understated. WP not having Big Brain Coach Jay behind center brings them down a notch. And I’ll take brain power over athletes any day. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs TOX (+8) – Spinelli’s is looking for their first win in D5, and TOX is a team that more than likely will give it to them. I know, I just said that perhaps they’re better than we thought, but Spinelli’s put on a clinic in D6 last season, and their girls are just much better than TOX’s. Look for Katie Swanson and Chelsea Lapore to just take over the game here at some point. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 8

WoodPeckers vs TOX (EVEN) – The Woodpeckers make their triumphant return to the TSL in the division they should’ve been in this whole time! Joe B has consistently given everyone in TSL management his updated roster, and currently it seems like none of the names involved have been recently cut by any NFL teams or major wrestling federations. WOODPECKERS BY 2

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Come From Behind (+3) – I don’t know much about CFB in terms of if they’re a “new look” or we’re getting the same, um, classic roster. Spinelli’s is young and hungry, maybe, so I’m going to give this to them. Looking forward to being wrong here. SPINELLI’S BY 7

716 vs Not So Sticky (+8) – I don’t know if Not So Sticky is playing for keeps for playing for funsies this season. The Jeff Krol passion project rolls on against a 716 team that’s been impressive so far in D5. If 716 wants to make a name for themselves, winning this one will do that for them. 716 BY 7

D6:

Last Week’s Games:

TMA 25, Blitzkrieg 16

Graves Bros 48, Travis Henry’s Kids 47

               TMA continues to roll as the big fish in a small pond took out Blitzkrieg with awesome human being Johnny Dio under center yet again. TMA was at full strength this week and didn’t have much of an issue winning this one. Graves Bros beat THK by a point in a crazy fun game that both teams really needed to get their season on the right track.

This Week’s Games:

Lenny’s Ladies vs Blitzkrieg (+6) – Lenny’s Ladies had an impressive Week 1 win, even though Chris Cole played for them. Joe K should be back at QB this time around with his ladies roster that is very sneaky good. I’ve had 3 different people tell me how Lenny’s has a great roster that nobody realizes is good. Blitzkrieg really isn’t Blitzkrieg this time around as QB Alex isn’t playing and neither is superstar Allie Metzger. This puts other players in positions they may not be used to and they’ll be adjusting. LENNY’S LADIES BY 9

TMA vs Blitzkrieg (+9) – We just saw this matchup last week, but in a 6 team division you need to get used to that. TMA shouldn’t have much of an issue getting the same result here, as they looked very good with their full team intact. Teams that are true families always play better together. TMA BY 18

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

1. Are we going to start getting more bets in the league? It seems like the only time we really get some good bar bets is when Breakfast Club is happening. We need more captains calling each other out. Stop being weak.

2. Do you want to be a referee? Seriously, the TSL needs a few more people to sign up to referee. Shout out to those that already have stepped up to help the league out.

3. How many donations will we get for the veterans? Topper will give the team that donates the most a pizza party. He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. I’m excited to hear about how well we do.

4. What’s the biggest surprise of the season so far? That gender teams are a combined 3-4 this season, and that Lenny’s Ladies and Victorious Secret have two of those wins.

5. What’s the biggest disappointment so far this season? Practice Squad can not be happy with how many points they’re allowing. I’m disappointed in them. Topper told me its Kenny’s fault. I’m not sure I agree.

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1. After two weeks of way too humid and hot weather, it appears that the weather has chilled out a little bit for you guys in Buffalo. This weekend should be a lot nicer.

2. As always, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to get your team its proper publicity. Don’t complain if you don’t talk to me. I actually have some emails to catch up on now that I think about it.

3. Did you guys see that “Top Female Receiver Rankings” part in the QB Power Rankings Article? I would’ve loved to have voted in that. I don’t know who the committee is fully made up of, but I have some questions about that. Like, how was Emily Curry not a unanimous top 10 vote getter? Or Margo? This is some nonsense. Melanie Linsmair is good for sure, but it feels like recency bias came into play. My Top 5, in some order, off the top of my head would be Robin Makula, Margo Jablonski, Jaimie Warren, Emily Curry, and Cheryl Julicher. For the record.

4. And no, nobody cares about the males for this stuff.

5. I think its almost a fair complaint that the “non-Godfather” TSL media has been off lately. The podcast still needs a new intro and its hard to listen to when nobody saw any games. The Sentinel at least got their information right this week. The QB Rankings just had that questionable female receiver list. The point is, you’re welcome everyone for yet again giving you the best social co-ed football media for 10 years running now.

6. Joe K emailed me to ask the TSL universe if anyone wants to be in the 3^rd annual Leonard T. Alba III Memorial TSL Fantasy Football league. They need a few more players this season. Please see him at the fields if you want in, or if you just want more info.

7. Top teams that will fade out during the season: Falconies, Cobblestone, Eyes Downtown

8. Bottom teams that will rise up the standings: XTC, The Angels, Breast Friends

9. Good teams that will stay good: Top Shot, 716, TMA, Itches and Ohs.

10. Bad teams that will stay bad: Super Freaks, Bullet Club, Vaspian

And that’s going to do it for the article this week. Again, PLEASE tell your teammates about the donation drive for the veterans. I think you can do great things for the community with this! Week 3 is fast approaching, it’s going to be the best week yet. Stay safe out there.

-GF