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Sorry Freeballers, my bad.


Okay, with that nonsense out of the way, Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, we’re heading into the final stretch of the preseason for the Race To Social Co-Ed Football Immortality! This is historically a “wacky” week in the TSL because when Memorial Day weekend comes, weird things happen. Most of that is attributed to the fact that a good chunk of the league will be out of town on vacations and whatnot, so it's impossible for anyone (besides myself, of course) to predict what is going to happen. 


Alright fine, I owe the Freeballers a *little* more than that. I owe them a “you’re welcome”. I’m very clearly the magical inspiration that brings this team together. My words poofed whatever a Jake Valley is into existence. I made 40 Year Plan Guy play some of his best football ever (if we had Madden ratings, he’d be up to a 72!). My words somehow cause a renaissance for Talia and Jessie. And let’s not even talk about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde experience that is the D2 vs D3 version of Dylan. The rest of them are just average dudes so I don’t know their names. Rachel Grampp is legit though. Your big wins? I did that. And you’re welcome. 


But also, it’s good to see a team come together and succeed. These guys and gals have been at it for a while and based off the emails I’ve received, and the messages sent my way on the podcast, it’s clear that they play for each other. The best teams in this league do. I didn’t think there was any way in hell that they’d pull off a huge 2-0 week last week, and they did it. How you ask? Well first off, I forgot that whatever team the Keller’s/Scotty Dro put together are paper tigers who look tough for 4 games and then fall of the face of the Earth. Right on cue, when I needed them most, they vanished. And then unfortunately, the sun was very clearly in Jeremy Burr’s eyes, and I can’t predict that type of stuff. So, they owe a shout out to “the sun” as well. Jokes aside, congrats Freeballers. I’m sorry I doubted you. 


But I look forward to betting against you in the playoffs. 


Speaking of interesting times in the TSL, did anyone see this “Best Males in the League” list? I know I haven’t been at the fields consistently for years, but it feels like just about everyone on that list hasn’t done anything of note. Look at this: 


Sean - What has this guy done besides be really athletic? He’s like that guy you take off the board early in fantasy leagues because he SHOULD be good, but in reality, he ends up as the 10th best WR overall. His teams are under performing. How is he #1? 


Boccio - This is a good pick, if it were three years ago. This is just a shell of the performer we all used to love. He misses games now, and he looks as though he’s only playing on the team because Diana told him he had to just so Travis would shut up and stop asking. 


Derek - Tight Ends In Motion is 1-5. Just because you’re tall and handsome doesn’t mean you’re a top player in the TSL. Look at Topper. 


Adrian - Thank god they didn’t take QB play into account here. 


Chris Nelson - What’s the point of #FreeingChrisNelson when he doesn’t do shit on the fields if he even shows up at all? Someone misses D4, I’m sure. 


Stoner Dave - Oh, the ACTUAL top player on TEIM appears on the list. 


Nick Voss - What the hell is a Nick Voss? Seems like a sneaky good pick. Guys with short names always are.


Kyle Conniff - Get real. The only thing that disappeared faster than the days of Kyle controlling a D1/D2 game has been his hair. 


Drew Colosimo - We get it, he’s tall. Hampered by Topper, probably. 


Andy Smegma - Couldn’t make the NFL, couldn’t make Cobblestone (which is like an NFL practice squad at times) and is somehow the 4th best player on a team that’s 1-5 that also has 4 “Top 10” players? THEY’RE 1-5. I’m assuming all of TEIM voted on this list. 


Eric Delecki - Finally, someone good. 


Dave Baker - Oh, a FIFTH TEIM player in the Top 12? One for every loss this season. We’re not even sure he’s the Best Baker in the league anymore, much less a Top 20 player. 




Kevin Zack - There is nothing bad to be said about this man. He deserves to be higher. 


Keyon Elias - Who? Oh, Hogan’s Sidekick. 


Travis Cleavenger-Bernal - TCB is a lot of things, but he’s the 5th best option on his own team, so a Top 20 WR isn’t it. I’d say his defense got him on this list, but I’ve seen him play safety so that’s out. And it sure as hell ain’t because of his time management skills. 


Ron Webber - Absolutely yes. Just a class act on and off the field. 


Mike Rawdin - He’s just a discount Anthony Deak, and Deak shouldn’t be on this list either. They got that much right. 


Matt Helm - This is apparently the guy who makes the Untouchaballs good. JK, everyone knows that’s Melanie and Burr. But sure. 


George Lombardo - Isn’t this the guy that wasn’t very good in D5? Feels more like he’s having a career year than it being a consistent thing. 


Pete Wallbrandt - The biggest fish in the smallest, D6 pond. Get in a real division and let’s see where you stand. 


Well, there you have it TSL, your “Top 20” males, allegedly. It’s clear the only people who voted for this list are all of TEIM with a sprinkling of others in there.


Is this the best we can do as a league? I know that not nearly enough people vote, but are we that low on talent that this is our actual Top 20? I think we had way too many people overlooked. This is yet again a prime example of what happens when TSLers don’t participate. We get this nonsense. I’m surprised Topper didn’t make the list based off of his one catch in Breakfast Club last weekend. Maybe we can do better, maybe we can’t. It’s worth trying.


With that said, let’s get to the games! 




Last Week’s Games:

Sticky Bandits 35, Legends 34

Eyes Downtown 28, Tight Ends In Motion 16


I’m combining D1/D2 simply because we have a lot of crossover games this week, so it’s a little weird on how to format that. Anyway, D1 shows the Sticky Nation rising up and taking down the Legends in a pretty fun comeback win that has the world wondering if the Legends have the QB to win it all this year. Meanwhile, Eyes Downtown keeps on rolling as they valiantly defeat “5 of the Top 12 guys in the league” TEIM. 


Scared Hitless 42, When Dove Cries 20

DILFs 41, The Notorious BNB 14


Not a ton of D2 action last week, but we saw Scared Hitless regain their momentum after a bad week, and the Dilfs put a beatdown on BNB to really stake their claim at a D2 title. 


This Week’s Games: 


D1/D2 Crossover Edition: 


Sticky Bandits vs The Notorious BNB (+6) - What a fun story line! The Sticky Bandits vs the Sticky Bandits rejects that got left behind for not being “good enough” for Jeff Krol’s vision of a D1 team. Sticky is thriving, so it’s hard to imagine things going BNB’s way, but if anyone knows how to beat Sticky, it’s going to be BNB. UPSET TIME. THE NOTORIOUS BNB BY 1. 


Dilfs vs Tight Ends In Motion (+6) - Yeah, TEIM is so far removed from being a good team (I imagine the texts flying out to Robin, Katie’s doctor to let her come back early, and trying to convince Emily it’s really okay to play football pregnant) that they aren’t even favored. It’s not hard to see why. Dilfs have been pretty good as of late. DILFS BY 3


Legends vs When Dove Cries (+10) - I’d want nothing more than Topper to dial it back to 1987 or whenever it was that he was last in shape, and just drop Dimes all over the Legends. But sadly, WDC is in the middle of an off year, and the Legends need a win, which I never expected to really say until now. LEGENDS BY 16


Eyes Downtown vs Bullet Club (+20) - I’d make this line higher, but I’ll expect Bobby to slow things down in the second half so that nobody gets hurt for ED’s “real games” they’ll have to play in the future. A week off might’ve helped BC but playing arguably the hottest team in D1 isn’t the best test for that. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 24




Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+3) - Grey Hair has been improving each week, and with POP seemingly missing games every other week (seriously, who has 4 byes in a 9 week season?) give me the team that’s getting their reps in. GREY HAIR DON’T CARE BY 8


Scared Hitless vs When Dove Cries (+10) - The miracle of wine and scheduling give us a rematch one week removed from an easy SH win. Everyone is well aware of how good the SH girls are, and for WDC and their new group of ladies, it’s a complete mismatch. SCARED HITLESS BY 17




Last Week’s Games:


4th And Something 47, Sleazing Szn 46

Buffalo Vice 41, Show Me Dem TDs 15

Freeballers 47, 4th And Something 0

Freeballers 42, The Untouchaballs 34


The reign of the Freeballers as the D3 championship favorites has begun. They went 2-0 (as my apology from earlier stated) against their best competition. Now, this doesn’t guarantee them anything, as I’m sure they’re aware that The Untouchaballs are coming for them. Should make for some good football. Speaking of fun, remember when Andy Clark left Buffalo Vice for “greener pastures”? Well, instead, he got a beat down put on him courtesy of his old mates. And in the other matchup, 4th and Something slipped by Sleezin Szn, who just can’t quite get it done this season. It feels like they could use a veteran player or two to help them out. Hmm. 


This Week’s Games:


Freeballers vs Sleezin Szn (+7) - Logically, based off last week, Freeballers should win this games 48-0. But let’s be real here. Sleezin can play, but they just haven’t learned how to finish. Historically, once a team hits the highest of highs, they can look at an 0-4 opponent and underestimate them. They’re going to think I’m just being salty, but I’m actually inspiring another victory for Freeballers with this: SLEEZIN SZN BY 14


The Untouchaballs vs Buffalo Vice (+6) - The TSL’s top 2 women face off in a battle for the ages. Buffalo Vice hasn’t lost since Dan started emailing me weekly, and news flash: He did it again. Caitlyn vs Melanie, Burr vs Seth, Helm vs Gonzalez/Pizza. It’s going to be a fun one. Both teams have been hot, and this is a game of the week for sure. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 3


Sleezin Szn vs Show Me Dem TDs (EVEN) - Two 0-4 teams come stumbling into this week’s matchup. One of them will more than likely get their first win, but who? Honestly, this is a tale of two different 0-4 teams. SMDTDs feels discombobulated, and nothing is clicking. Sleezin just feels like if a few plays go differently, they could be 3-1. Which means: SLEEZIN SZN BY 7


Frodo Swaggins vs 4th And Something (+6) - Garrett vs Scotty in what can only be considered Must See TV for the smack talking alone. Frodo has been consistent. 4th And Something is starting a hell of a slide. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 3 ON THE LAST PLAY


Itches and Ohs vs Show Me Dem TDs (+10) - Quite the slow, quiet start for Itches and Ohs this season, but now that the hyper accomplished ladies have put school behind them (congrats!) it’s time to really focus on football. The season starts now for Itches and Ohs, and they got a good, soft opponent to whoop on to get it going. ITCHES AND OHS BY 19




Last Week’s Games:

Can’t Touch This 43, Today’s Feast 12

Cunning Stunts 50, XMD 20

Zack Attack 18, Vaspian 12

ILF 36, Varsity Has Beens 33

Practice Squad 45, Cunning Stunts 25

XMD 26, TOX 14

Puckett All-Stars 30, Spinelli’s Plumbing 23


So much D4 action last week! Can’t Touch This drops another big win, this time over Today’s Feast, who got feasted on. The Stunts smacked around XMD before getting smacked by Practice Squad themselves. XMD rebounded from their Stunts loss to beat TOX in a close one. Zack Attack handed Vaspian their first loss of the season in an 18-12 barnburner that was a true battle of the defense. ILF snuck out an incredibly important victory over Varsity Has Beens that would’ve truly put them behind the 8-ball in terms of making the playoffs. And finally, Spinelli’s go to 0-3 since getting some awful new jerseys that have been very clearly cursed, dropping a close one to Puckett, who’s been awesome lately. 


This Week’s Games:


Can’t Touch This vs XMD (+7) - I’m not sure I’d be here making CTT a favorite, but here we are. Ryan Dougherty might be my new favorite TSLer. He sent me a VERY fired up email that his team should no longer be disrespected and the completely unfair schedule the EVIL Lord Topper gave them only made them stronger. “Topper must be sick watching our success now.” I love it. I love him. I love the fire. If this team has some talented males and an alcoholic attractive girl or two, this team has ALL of the makings of a TSL favorite. Welcome to the league Ryan, you’ve finally arrived. CANT TOUCH THIS BY 18


Varsity Has Beens vs TOX (+6) - A lot of things on the line here, believe it or not. First off, despite what the media tells you, TOX can still make the playoffs. But it’s imperative they win 3 of their 4 games. And a loss to VHB will put them behind them in the tiebreakers, and potentially end the season early. VHB had a big win against ILF taken from them last week. They were so close! They HAVE to win this one to sneak into the playoffs. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 2


ILF vs TOX (+10) - TOX’s “yeah we have to win” games continue right here against ILF, who has been shaky at best. ILF can get to 4-3 with a win here, and considering we have a lot of 3-3 teams, a loss would be devastating. ILF BY 2


Vaspian vs Spinelli’s Plumbing (+3) - Vaspian finally tasted defeat last week, so they’re looking to get back into the win column asap. Spinelli’s has been looking to get into the win column ever since they first put on their awful new jerseys, which again are very clearly cursed. If Spinelli’s wises up and wears black again, they’ll win. If they’re stubborn and keep these rags, they’ll lose. I think they’ll be stubborn. VASPIAN BY 8


Puckett All-Stars vs Today’s Feast (+7) - Today’s Feast had been showing signs of life before getting mauled last week. Puckett has been maulers for weeks now. It’s a bad combo for TF, that’s for certain. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 19


Practice Squad vs Zack Attack (+10) - Practice Squad arrived for real last week with a big win over the Cunning Stunts. Now they get a Zack Attack team that just took down the top team in the division. PS has a real shot at the division’s #1 seed, but they have to win this one. They boast the top point differential as well. Scoring against ZA will be difficult, but not impossible. At the end of the day, they’ve got B’s Brother’s Brother throwing for them and that may be all they need. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 8




Last Week’s Games:

Come From Behind 42, Two Tuddies 16

Cobblestone 24, Not So Sticky 0

TMA 28, 716 22

Tater Tots 25, Red Zone Mafia 20

716 19, Red Zone Mafia 6


Come From Behind continues to get it together, easily dispatching the Tuddies. Cobblestone continues to rock and roll in the league, shutting out Not So Sticky. 716 goes 1-1 on the day, losing a hard fought battle to TMA but they got to get into the win column with a victory over the Red Zone Mafia, who ended up 0-2 on the day as the Tater Tots brought Jeff Easton out of retirement to QB them to a victory. 


This Week’s Games:


716 vs Passing While Intoxicated (+8) - 716 isn’t getting quite the love they should be this year, but they’ve been scoring a lot, and playing really good defense. PWI isn’t quite on this level yet. 716 by 7


Two Tuddies vs Not So Sticky (EVEN) - These teams are going to tie again, aren’t they? The Tuddies have their best shot at win this season, and I think they’re going to get it! TWO TUDDIES BY 1




Last Week’s Games: 


Blitzkrieg 44, Woodpeckers 14

Travis Henry’s Kids 65, Southside 14

Lettuce Win 34, Lenny’s Ladies 25


Blitzkrieg remembered how to play football and beat up on the Woodpeckers. THK really, really wanted to get some revenge and just simply poured it on a Southside team that has apparently gone through another roster reconstruction after the team bailed. Lettuce Win took a fun game from Lenny’s Ladies as well. 


This Week’s Games: 


Blitzkrieg vs Woodpeckers (+10) - Not much to say here. BK just blew the Peckers out, kind of hard to not see history repeat itself. BLITZKRIEG BY 15


Travis Henry’s Kids vs Woodpeckers (+17) - THK is just burying the division and that’s not even fun anymore. At this point, with only 9 teams in D5, we should just bump them up to play in the D5 playoff tournament after the season. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 30


Lettuce Win vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) - Another rematch from last week, although I believe the Ladies will have Joe K back instead of George throwing for them, which means things are only going to get worse for them. LETTUCE WIN BY 20


Blitzkrieg vs Southside (+10) - I don’t know much about the new new look Southside, but it didn’t look great against THK. Blitzkrieg is finding their game at the right time though, and this could be a big 2-0 week. BLITZKRIEG BY 12




1.      Who’s Winning Breakfast Club? As I said last week, I’d have more in depth chatter about this this week. Now that everyone has played each other once, it seems like the Liddle Deaks and Jennatalia are headed towards an awesome BC final. They just standout over the others. 


2.      Could we actually put THK in the D5 playoffs? It’s Topper, so anything is possible. D5 only has 9 teams, so putting THK as the 10 seed could give us a fun 7-10 and 8-9 opening round to get into the playoffs there. It would definitely add some fun and intrigue. I can already hear Prim complaining, and he didn’t even read this yet. 


3.      Why aren’t the Legends dominating? You’d like to think that they would be, given their talent. The rumor mill this week has been all about how horrible Joey Batts is, and he’s the problem there. All of this, of course, is false. Joey Batts is one of the best QBs to ever do it. The issues clearly are with a shoddy defense, and these overrated receivers running the wrong routes. 


4.      Are you ready for Lenny and Rameer Day? I can’t stress enough how much fun June 4th will be at the fields. Topper has already told me that he has a band, and the dunk tank. Now Thurman Thomas is going to be there. He claims he’ll get drink specials! Once again, if you’re ever going to stay at the fields all day and have fun, this is the time to do it. 


5.      Who could use a win more than ever this week? Well, our winless teams for sure. Bullet Club and Sleezin Szn stand out more than the others. But with Two Tuddies taking on Not So Sticky, we’ll get one team their first win (unless they tie again), and Sleezin is taking on Show Me Dem TDs so TWO teams should get their first wins this year. TOX has a very winnable game against Varsity Has Beens as well. 




1.      It’s supposed to rain in the morning, so get prepared for the mud and the fun that comes with that. Here’s hoping the grass is cut. 


2.      Here are the best games to watch this week: 

a.      10:00 - Dilfs vs Tight Ends In Motion

b.      11:00 - Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

c.      12:00 - Buffalo Vice vs The Untouchaballs

d.      1:00 - Two Tuddies vs Not So Sticky

e.      2:00 - 4th And Something vs Frodo Swaggins

f.       3:00 - Zack Attack vs Practice Squad


3.      Breakfast Club predictions:

a.      Liddle Deaks 50, Dominatrix 14

b.      Jennatalia 37, The EsCourts 20

c.      Steph Infection 43, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 37


4.      Shoutout to Jordan Lawson for coming in to referee for us. It’s always telling when the first thing someone does when the minor leagues close to run right back to where they should be. You know he’s looking at D2 right now thinking he could’ve won that title again. See you in the Fall. 


5.      I’m really enjoying listening to the podcast on Spotify now. It’s much easier for sure. If you have Spotify, search “Topper Sports Report” and subscribe. We need more new guests though, last week’s show felt too quick. 


6.      The three hottest teams in the TSL: Freeballers, Practice Squad, Sticky Bandits


7.      The three teams I would bet on having a fantastic next few weeks: Itches and Ohs, Grey Hair Don’t Care, Puckett All-Stars


8.      The three most fun teams in the TSL currently: Can’t Touch This, Travis Henry’s Kids, Cobblestone


9.      The three most disappointing teams in the TSL currently: Legends, Tight Ends In Motion, Bullet Club


10.  Early MVP votes: D1: Bobby McConnell, D2: Jonny Football, D3: Jeremy Burr, D4: Brandon “B” Ford, D5: Darryl Carr, D6: Pete Wallbrandt. But again, it’s early. 


Enjoy the last week of TSL football in May, as always email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to whine about whatever I said (or actually support your team), be nice to Jeff May, buy B’s Brother a drink (on Topper’s tab), vote on these power rankings lists so they aren’t terrible, and have a fantastic Memorial Day! 



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