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Hello and welcome back to your TSL Quarterback Power Rankings... with a heavy emphasis on the "Quarterback" part. Maybe we SHOULD stick to ranking passers after all the feedback we got on our Male Receiver Rankings last week!  The common theme that emerged was "you ranked me as one of the best receivers in an entire League of talented athletes, but I STILL choose to be offended that I wasn't ranked higher".  We knew it was coming of course, but it still always surprises us that people choose to dwell on the negative instead of the positive.  It is no insult to say there are a handful of people who MIGHT be better than you at getting open and catching a football.  Oh, and your friends that you're complaining to about how you should be ranked higher? They're probably thinking THEY belong on the list ahead of you, so you're probably not getting as much sympathy from them as you think...

 

But that'll be the last receiver ranking for the year, male or female, so whatever your Power Ranking was (or lack of Ranking if you didn't make the list) you're stuck with it for the rest of 2021.  Sorry you weren't ranked #1.  Try playing better.

 

With that, we're back to the Quarterback Power Rankings, including Matty Ice's "NFL Comparison QBs" that he shared on the most recent TSL Podcast, for at least the top QBs (you should listen to the Podcast if you haven't already).  Then we'll share our first team offense/defense charts of the year below, now that we're far enough into the season that we feel the data is meaningful.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Chris Cole - Public Enemy - (Previous Rank #2)

NFL QB Comparison:  Tom Brady

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 29-22, beat Eyes Downtown 47-14

 

Look who's back at #1 with a record setting third reign as TSL Top QB (and a record setting 19th overall week atop the chart).  People ask us all the time what our criteria is for judging QBs.  What division do you play in?  Cole is D1.  What's your win-loss record?  Cole is undefeated in a division where every other team has at least two losses.  How easy/difficult has your schedule been so far?  After this past week, Cole has played and beaten all the best teams in the League.  What's your offensive production?  Cole is not just the highest scoring QB in D1, he's the highest scoring QB in the TSL at 46.0 PPG.  Checks every box, zero debate.

 

#2 David "Bro" Kleckler - Tight Ends in Motion - (Previous Rank #1)

NFL QB Comparison:  Russell Wilson

Last Week:  Lost to Public Enemy 29-22

 

Bro had only one loss last year.  He has only one loss this year.  The sky isn't exactly falling for Tight Ends in Motion, and they're still "the Champs" until they lose a playoff game.  But at this time last season their stats were just incredible as they were leading the League in just about every category.  This season they're +14 after five games.  That's not bad of course (they're one of only two teams with a positive point differential in D1) but it's not the domination we've seen from them before.  They used to be the hungry challenger trying to prove to the world that they were better than Public Enemy... and now it looks like the roles might be reversed.

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown - (Previous Rank #3)

NFL QB Comparison:  Philip Rivers

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 36-17, lost to Public Enemy 47-14

 

Eyes Downtown are exactly where we thought they'd be at this point in the season, a step above the bottom teams in D1 but a step below the top two teams.  They win the games they're supposed to but they're also losing the games they're supposed to, and last week it wasn't particularly close: Public Enemy stomped them by 33 points, which has to be a little discouraging for Bobby if he's planning to get past these guys in the playoffs.  We're not ready to count him out yet though... there's still a decent chance that Eyes Downtown are playing in the D1 finals this session.

 

#4 Matty "Ice" Ditullio - A&A / The Angels - (Previous Rank #5)

NFL QB Comparison:  Aaron Rodgers

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 49-34 (A&A), beat Super Freaks 45-16 (The Angels)

 

The self-proclaimed Aaron Rodgers of the League had a pair of 45+ point games last week as he moves up to the 4th spot in the Power Rankings.  A&A is the last remaining undefeated team in D2 and they're a two point conversion away from tying Passed Our Prime for the highest scoring offense in the division as well.  Meanwhile the Angels have won three in a row in D3 since starting the season 0-2, with their latest W coming by nearly 30 points against some of the best pure athletes in the League.  We're not sure who would lead the TSL Most Hilarious QB Rankings, but it's some combination of Matty, Scotty, Garrett, Cole and Bro at the top, right?

 

#5 Jordan Lawson - Losing Streak / Victorious Secret - (Previous Rank #4)

NFL QB Comparison:  Matt Ryan

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 43-42, lost to Slob Kabombs 48-38 (Losing Streak), lost to Travis Henry's Kids 38-32 (Victorious Secret)

 

Tough week for Jordan Lawson as Losing Streak and Victorious Secret combined for three one-score losses.  Losing Streak is now 1-4 in D1 with their sole win coming against a backup QB, but we still have Jordan ranked above the next two QBs who have both beaten him head to head.  No, that's not a mistake (although we DID furiously debate the order of the #4 through #7 spots this week) as Jordan still has the second highest PPG in D1 and the fifth highest PPG in the entire TSL.  It's the Losing Streak defense that seems to be letting them down as they are dead last in D1 and third last in the TSL on that side of the ball.  Wouldn't you think a team with Chris and Ralph would be dominant defensively?

 

#6 Seth Molisani - Slob Kabombs / Buffalo Vice - (Previous Rank #11)

NFL QB Comparison:  Josh Allen

Last Week:  Beat Losing Streak 48-38 (Slob Kabombs), beat Today's Feast 41-14 (Buffalo Vice)

 

Hard to imagine Seth started the season outside of our Top Ten, but just watch the guy play.  He's making phenomenal throws while scrambling at full speed, and he's got Slob Kabombs at 2-2 in their inaugural D1 season (okay, 2-3 if we count their forfeit loss, which we should).  We are very confident that there is no better athlete playing the QB position in the TSL right now than this guy.  Buffalo Vice also had a 40 point showing this week as they remained unbeaten on the season.  We don't KNOW this, but our guess is that Seth won't be allowed to QB a D4 team next session once the League learns how effective he is.

 

#7 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits - (Previous Rank #6)

NFL QB Comparison:  Dak Prescott

Last Week:  Beat Losing Streak 43-42, lost to Eyes Downtown 36-17

 

Sticky Nation picked up their first win of the season on Saturday with a thrilling walk off extra-point over Losing Streak, but only got to enjoy the feeling for a couple hours until they were soundly beaten by Eyes Downtown.  What an unforgiving division.  Mike actually dropped in the Power Rankings this week which doesn't feel right, but Seth has the better record, the head-to-head win, AND a better points per game, so Mike becomes a victim of Slob Kabomb's success.  That 43 point offensive explosion should give the Sticky Bandits some confidence going forward though... and they're going to need that kind of production to beat Public Enemy this week.

 

#8 Dylan Jaloza - TopShot - (Previous Rank #7)

NFL QB Comparison:  Baker Mayfield

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 33-32, beat Passed Our Prime 37-30

 

What more can we say about TopShot this week?  They've been as good as Blase said they would be this season (although to be fair, he says his teams are going to be invincible every season) as they run their record to 5-1.  Dylan's only loss this session came by four points against A&A, a game that easily could have gone the other way.  Don't take that as a sign that TopShot can't win close games though, as they've beaten Scared Hitless by 1, XTC by 3, and Passed Our Prime by 7.  Barring a complete collapse in the postseason (like, you know, last season) this team should already be thinking Finals.

 

#9 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless - (Previous Rank #8)

NFL QB Comparison:  Joe Burrow

Last Week:  Lost to A&A 49-34, lost to TopShot 33-32

 

From undefeated to 4-2, it was not a great day for Scared Hitless.  Whatever.  One bad day won't define their season.  And it wasn't even THAT bad, as they scored 32 and 34 points in their games, hardly an indictment on Dylan's Quarterback play.  Giving up 49 points is a little surprising given all the talent on this team, but if there's one team that can match Scared Hitless for female athleticism in D2, it's probably A&A.  Dylan drops one spot in the Rankings to 9th place (not bad for the "Joe Burrow" of the TSL).

 

#10 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB - (Previous Rank #9)

NFL QB Comparison:  Ben Roethlisberger

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 29-28

 

Notorious BNB picked up their second win of the season this week over winless Bullet Club.  They still seem a step below the four teams with winning records in D2, but is the gap really that big between Team Buchlis and the top contenders in their division?  When their whole team is present and focused (ie letting Alex QB instead of his brother) they're as dangerous and capable as anybody.  This is the team you DON'T want to draw in the first round of the playoffs, because they've got the talent and the experience to pull off an upset.

 

#11 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries - (Previous Rank #12)

NFL QB Comparison:  Drew Brees

Last Week:  Beat XTC 37-22

 

Patrick "Commissioner Topper DrewBrees" McGovern gets another win this week over XTC and is on the verge of cracking our Quarterback Rankings Top Ten for the thirteenth time in our five seasons of Ranking.  If he does, he will become one of only three QBs to make the Top Ten at least once in all five seasons.  Cole, McConnell, McGovern... what elite company.  Of course, he'll probably have to get past TopShot next week if he wants to move up a spot, and that's a tall task this season.  We think it'll be a close game at least, but we're not sure we'd bet on Topper...

 

#12 Jeremy "Hogan" Olsen - Passed Our Prime - (Previous Rank #10)

NFL QB Comparison:  Matt Stafford

Last Week:  Lost to TopShot 37-30

 

Hogan's first failure to score 38+ points in a game this season led to a 37-30 loss to TopShot this week.  No word on whether or not they were missing people or whether it was a rare off game by the League's most ridiculous gunslinger.  Passed Our Prime is 4th in the TSL in offensive points per game, and 5th last in the TSL in defensive points per game allowed (which sounds really shitty until you realize what an improvement it is over last year's effort).  Can these guys just play Losing Streak every week so we can forget about defense for a while and enjoy some fireworks?

 

#13 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins - (Previous Rank #14)

NFL QB Comparison:  Sam Darnold

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 31-22

 

Frodo Swaggins is 26th in the TSL in offense and 28th in defense.  They're a very balanced team right now having allowed 4 more points than they've given up, but we have to think they wanted better than "balanced" to start the season, given how good they played at times over the Spring session.  The schedule should get a little easier for the next few weeks as Frodo has only played teams with winning records so far this season (and gone 2-1-1 against them).  Eventually they'll pad their numbers with some games against cellar dwellers and start to look more like the Frodo Swaggins we expected.

 

#14 Brandt Dubey - XTC - (Previous Rank #13)

Last Week:  Lost to When Dove Cries 37-22

 

We're not sure what's a more hurtful: dropping a spot in the Power Rankings by losing to Topper, or becoming the first QB on our Power Rankings without an NFL Comparison from Matty Ice.  If WE had to choose one for Dubey it would be Eli Manning: former world champion, top ten all time in every meaningful stat in the TSL, doesn't get the proper respect from current QBs for all he's accomplished... and yet he's losing more games than he's winning at this stage in his career.  If he were 2-0 against Cole in Finals games that would really seal the comparison, but sadly our data doesn't go back that far.

 

#15 Jeremy Burr - The Untouchaballs - (Previous Rank #16)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

No game for the Untouchaballs this week.  Burr moves up because Scotty went 0-2.

 

#16 Scott Drosendahl - Bullet Club / 4th & Dong - (Previous Rank #15)

NFL QB Comparison:  Jameis Winston

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 29-28 (Bullet Club), lost to Show Me Dem TDs 49-40 (4th & Dong)

 

Last week we mentioned that Scotty was winless in D2 but undefeated in D3.  Sadly only one of those things is still true.  4th & Dong took their first loss of the season to an otherwise struggling Show Me Dem TDs.  Hmmm not sure how that went down.  And Bullet Club lost when Scotty slipped and fell in the mud at a pivotal time in an otherwise good game.  Not his best week, but Scotty Ballgame will rise again.  We still desperately want a Garrett vs Scotty grudge match in the D3 finals.  Is that too much to ask for???

 

#17 Joey Batts - Cunning Stunts - (Previous Rank #17)

NFL QB Comparison:  Cam Newton

Last Week:  Lost to Zack Attack 43-16

 

Cunning Stunts lost their first game of the season this week when they ran into the buzz saw that is the Zack Attack defense.  It happens to the best of us honestly; we've been writing about how good the Zack Attack defense is for a long time.  The Stunts are now 4-1 and they have the fourth best point differential in the entire TSL.  They're going to be fine.  There are five 4-Win teams in D4 right now, and in our opinion Cunning Stunts is maybe the second best of the bunch behind Buffalo Vice (who they have yet to play).  

 

#18 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care - (Previous Rank #18)

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 31-22

 

Eickhoff just doesn't seem to do very well against Frodo Swaggins for whatever reason, and yet he owns The Angels, who in turn seem to beat Frodo Swaggins.  It's a weird little Rock Paper Scissors game there... odd how some teams just match up well against others.  Eickhoff stays in the 18th spot this week as Grey Hair - Don't Care falls to 3-2, one of SEVEN teams in D3 with a winning record, and he can move even higher next week if he beats Scotty Dro and his division-leading 4th & Dong.

 

#19 Travis Cleveanger - Breast Friends - (Previous Rank #19)

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 44-39

 

Breast Friends have lost three games so far this season despite a point differential better than two of the 4-1 teams in their own division.  What does this mean?  They're PROBABLY due to rebound and win more games in future weeks.  The problem with gender teams is that even moreso than co-ed teams attendance can be a mixed bag as their players have conflicts with their "other" teams, so some weeks they just don't have the personnel they're used to.  We're not sure if that's the case here, just speculating.  Hey, what's the NFL comparison of a QB that scrambles around for 30 seconds every play?  Is Travis a dog-friendly Michael Vick?

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone - (Previous Rank #20)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

No game this week for TSL living legend Darryl Carr.

 

#21 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs - (Previous Rank #22)

Last Week:  Beat Puckett All-Stars 38-23

 

Itches and Ohs are 4-1-1 despite having the 7th best point differential in D4.  Oh, their offense is doing great, third best in the Division behind Breast Friends and Buffalo Vice (which it really should be, with the all-world Moser sisters and very underrated Jeremy Streit catching passes), but their defense holds them back from being a more complete team.  They have the talent to make some noise in the playoffs, but will they stay focused enough to win three games when it counts the most?  

 

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian - (Previous Rank #25)

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 24-15, beat Breast Friends 44-39

 

Vaspian remains undefeated when Brian O plays this season, which is KIND of an awesome story considering the struggles this team had the past couple seasons.  Moving down to D4 was the absolute right move for these guys and they're fitting in great (better than their competition would like, really).  Throw out their 30-8 loss without their starting QB the first week of the season and Vaspian's numbers look even better.  Are they good enough to win a stacked D4 this year?  Mmmmm we kind of don't think so.  Stunts and Vice are still the teams to beat, but Vaspian is showing strong improvement, so who knows?

 

#23 Joe Miano - Falconies - (Previous Rank #23)

Last Week:  Beat GUCCI 27-17

 

Each season follows the same formula: 1) Forget about Joe Miano 2) Check standings at mid-season 3) Marvel at how well Joe Miano is doing.  Of course it's not just Joe as the Falconies are second in D4 in defense right now, but with all their parts clicking this team is really capable of making a deep postseason run.  People aren't discussing them as contenders yet, but they're 4-1 and have the third best average point differential in the division.  With Joe's veteran experience, that should be enough to label them as real threats for the D4 title.

 

#24 Brandon "B" Ford - (Previous Rank #21)

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 24-15

 

Practice Squad is apparently going off the rails with injuries right now which is sad to see.  B and his squad have been such consistent winners over the past few seasons it's odd to look at the standings and see 2-4 next to their name.  You hate to write a team off and say "this just isn't your year" with three weeks left in the regular season (especially such a well respected team like Practice Squad) but it just isn't feeling like their year.  But hey, we said that about All We Do is Quinn last session, so clearly we're idiots!

 

#25 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack - (Previous Rank #27)

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 43-16

 

What a thorough annihilation of one of the best teams in D4.  Zack Attack is only 3-3 but as far as we're concerned that win over Cunning Stunts immediately puts them in the conversation as a force to be reckoned with in their division.  Yes, it's the same story as last season (Zack Attack's defense is stronger than its offense) but the discrepancy isn't as strong as it used to be.  Can they win D4 just one session after winning D5?  No one has won consecutive divisions since... well okay, that just happened last year with Sticky Bandits, but it's still impressive if they can pull it off.

 

***

 

No Receiver Rankings for y'all to hate on this week, so we're just going to leave you with these charts of the best (and worst) offenses and defenses in the league:

 

 

 

What tiny and nauseatingly colorful graphs!  Here's a cleaner chart with the Top Ten Best/Worst Offenses and Defenses if graphs aren't your thing:

 

 

 

***

 

And that's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you want more info on this League worst Titsburgh Feelers team?  you wanted to know who Josh Rosen's TSL equivalent is?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..   Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

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