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Week 7 Power Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 02 June 2022 17:39
Published: Thursday, 02 June 2022 17:39
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 150

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

How'd you like those Greatest Male (Non-QB) Players rankings last week?  The most common feedback we got was as follows:

  • "The Rankings were TERRIBLE, you guys don't know what you're doing".  
  • There was either too much or not enough representation from lower divisions (we were somehow criticized for both).
  • There was too much Tight Ends in Motion, considering they were a 1-5 team (at the time) and had five of the top 12 players.  It was weird how many people pointed out THIS team specifically.

 

Here is our response to those points:

  • Between the various people that submit ballots on our Committee, we'd wager we watch a LOT more games than most of you.  We stand by our votes, and the feedback of everyone who actually wrote in to make suggestions.  People that didn't write in have lost the right to complain.
  • It has ALWAYS been difficult to compare people from different divisions.  How does Pete Walbrandt compare to Stoner Dave?  How does Dan Gonzalez compare to Eric Delecki?  We take into account what division people play in every week in the QB Rankings, and people complain about that too.  "You're just saying this guy's great because he plays in a higher division!"  Sure, but maybe you just think your guy is great because he's had a few good games in D6.  Some lower division guys would still be absolute studs in higher divisions, we get that and we try to recognize them... but others are just a product of their environment.  We do our best to factor that into our Rankings.
  • Tight Ends won the highest division in this League less than a year ago.  Come on.  They have a new QB and all new girls, and they are dealing with the growing pains of that.  It's not like Derek, Stoner, Kyle and Dave suddenly forgot how to play football, and if you can't understand why they're ranked as highly as they are, that's on you.  There's a reason all those guys showed up on so many ballots.  

 

We're smart enough to know that no one will ever agree with the Rankings we publish (they don't agree with the QB Rankings either!) but screw it - we're going to keep making them.  Partly because debating "who is better than who" is one of the most fun aspects of sports, but partly because we just want to continue to shine a spotlight on great football players.  Yes, people get more wrapped up in the negative than the positive ("why wasn't I ranked" or "why wasn't I ranked higher" are the only two responses we ever seem to hear) but look at it this way: you're a 35 year athlete that never made the pros, and a website is still writing about your athletic accomplishments in 2022.  Try to see the glass as half full on that one, okay?  

 

With that said, we don't have a special "Ranking" for you to complain about this week, but we will be looking at Division All-Stars, which we'll explain below.  We're sure you'll disagree with those too, but first, here are your QB Rankings for the week.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Of course all of these Rankings are now a joke with Christine Krol averaging 77 points a game throwing for Not So Sticky (yes, that happened), but we aren't including her in the above chart because that's really an impossible standard for our other quarterbacks to compete with.  These are the best of the rest:

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 49-16

All three D1 QBs battling for the #1 spot scored between 43-49 points and their teams allowed between 14-16 points this week.  We told you these three were close!  Eyes Downtown run their winning streak to five games in a row by annihilating Bullet Club in a game whose outcome was never in doubt.  Of COURSE Bobby's ranking doesn't change this week.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 43-14 (Legends)

Legends looked they could have beaten When Dove Cries by 70 if they wanted.  It wouldn't have changed Joey's ranking one way or another.  At this point the only way any of these top three QBs move up or down next week is if there's an upset in a D2 crossover game or something truly ridiculous in a Stunts game.  

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 48-14

The Sticky Bandits are now the single highest scoring team in the TSL at 38.6 PPG.  The betting odds against that last year would have been enormous, but that's where we are today.  Mike Thomas might be the TSL's Most Improved Player this year, but... it doesn't change his ranking.  He'll be #3 next week too with Sticky on a bye, unless Bobby or Joey suffer a freak loss against D2 on Saturday.

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 29-24

Scared Hitless has two more wins than the next best team in D2 and they can lock up the #1 seed (and first round playoff bye) with a win or tie next week against D1 Tight Ends in Motion.  They'll probably be underdogs, and rightly fully so, but the gap between D1 and "the rest of D2" isn't as big as the gap between D1 and Scared Hitless.  We're expecting a close one.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Notorious BNB got killed on Saturday without Buchlis, but you've got to wonder how different it would be if he were available.  Doesn't Alex know his former team's strengths and weaknesses better than anyone?

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 24-23

Passed Our Prime beat Grey Hair by one point on May 7th.  Three weeks later they would lose to Grey Hair by one point.  Can't wait to see the playoff rematch here!  Passed Our Prime takes on Legends in their D1 Crossover game this week, but which team will #1 receiver Sean Weisensal be playing for?

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Lost to Tight Ends in Motion 34-23

Three D2 teams got killed in their D1 crossover games this week, but only DILFS made a real game out of theirs.  We're not sure which team that says more about, but if anyone's not going to be intimidated by playing the best teams in the League, it's Dubey.  He's been playing top teams and beating them for years.

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Buffalo Vice 46-21

We thought this one would be closer, but Untouchaballs easily handled Buffalo Vice by 25 points this week.  Burr has led his team to only one loss this season and he's in no rush to add a second.  Untouchaballs are tied for the best record in the League at 6-1, and they're also third in scoring at 38.1 PPG (half a point out of first place).  What does it take for Burr to go up in the Power Rankings?? Has he reached the natural ceiling of a D3 quarterback?

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 24-23

Grey Hair - Don't Care have three losses this season, and they've already avenged two of them by beating Passed Our Prime and DILFS in rematches over the past two weeks.  The only D2 team they haven't beaten yet is Notorious BNB (okay they haven't even played Bullet Club yet, but we're assuming they win that one too).  These guys went from 0-3 to championship contenders REAL fast.

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 38-28

Hey didn't Scotty used to QB for Frodo Swaggins?  Frodo and 4th & Something are both 4-3 after Garrett bested Scotty on Saturday, but Frodo is second in the division in scoring (36.6 PPG) and 4th & Something is seventh (28.0 PPG).  Advantage: Beesing.

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-16 (Bullet Club), lost to Sleezin Szn 34-26

We had no hope that D2's coldest team could beat D1's hottest team in this week's Crossover game, but we felt VERY strongly that D3's hottest team would beat D3's coldest team.  Imagine our surprise when winless Sleezin Szn upset Freeballers this week!  This is why we play the game folks, anyone truly CAN beat anyone else week to week.  

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 38-28

4th & Something's last four games are a 25 point loss, a 1 point win, a 47 point loss and a 10 point loss.  This is definitely a team that's trending in the wrong direction, but nothing is beyond saving when you have Scotty Drosendahl slinging it out there.  This week's Itches and Ohs game will be a big sign of whether these guys are ready to sack up and rediscover their mojo, or if they're just in freefall for the rest of the season.

 

#13 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Beat DILFS 34-23 (Tight Ends in Motion), lost to Untouchaballs 46-21 (Buffalo Vice)

Tight Ends won their first game of the season with Seth at QB on Saturday, beating DILFS by two scores in their D2 crossover game.  Buffalo Vice then went on to lose to D3 giant Untouchaballs later in the day.  Neither result is a surprise, really, and Seth's ranking stays the same.  If Darryl is #1 in our Hair ranking, Seth should be #1 in our mustache ranking.

 

#14 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 34-24

B's Brother's Brother led Practice Squad to their sixth win of the season, tied with five other teams for the best in the TSL (we do not have a seven-game winner yet).  This is a smart, balanced team: they may have the fifth best offense in their division, but they also have the third best defense, the best point differential (barely) and the best record.  A win over XMD this week might just lock up the #1 seed for the Squad (and we hear rumors XMD may have already forfeited?).

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 22-16

This past Saturday was the first in the month of May that Spinelli's did not lose a game.  In a division where only 8 teams make playoffs, the win over Vaspian keeps Spinelli's in 7th place and in decent position to hold onto their playoff berth.  If they were hoping for an easy opponent this week, they'll be disappointed to look at the calendar and see Cunning Stunts on their schedule.

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 36-35

Between bye weeks and rain-outs, Itches hadn't played a game since May 7th, and they hadn't won a game since April 30th.  Steve played a great game against a suddenly improved Show Me Dem TDs though (and without his all-star sister Laura present) to get Itches back in the win column and back to .500 this week.

 

#17 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 48-19

Puckett just DESTROYED Today's Feast on Saturday to re-affirm their position as one of the better teams in D4 this session.  They lost a few games early in the season that made us think they were in trouble, but those days seem long gone now after Puckett's third win in a row.

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Show Me Dem TDs 36-34, beat Freeballers 34-26

Winless Sleezin Szn beat the hottest team in their division at 11 am, then lost to the only other winless team in their division at 1 pm.  We have no idea what to make of this.  For what it's worth, their offense is actually getting decent production, tied for fourth (middle of the pack) in their division.  Their division worst defense though (37.0 PPG) could use some improvement if they want to win any more games this season.

 

#19 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat TOX 38-23

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons are -6 in point differential on the season after beating TOX by two scores this week.  They are a true middle of the pack team right now that seems to win hopeless games and lose winnable games.  Joe Miano has the receivers and the arm talent, but they need consistency if they want to compete for the D4 title over the next few weeks.

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the 6-1 Cobblestoners this week.

 

#21 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 35-34

One point may define the entire season for both XMD and Can't Touch This.  XMD are currently 3-4 and clinging to the last playoff spot in D4, and Can't Touch This are 4-3 and sitting in fifth place, feeling good about their playoff chances.  If XMD could score another point for the tie (or another two for the win) these two teams flip spots in the standings and it's Can't Touch This at risk of falling out of contention.  Those extra points are huge!    

 

#22 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Woodpeckers 40-33

Travis Henry's Kids have the longest current winning streak in the League at six in a row.  Over that span they've won every game by at least 19 points EXCEPT for their two games against Woodpeckers (which they won by 7 and 8).  If anyone can stop John in the playoffs it's Joe Buscaglia and his 6'11" receivers.

 

#23 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat XMD 35-34

Make that four in a row for Can't Touch This as they narrowly beat XMD in a game with huge playoff implications.  Ryan is a rising star in the TSL and although we're not sure Can't Touch This are ready for the D4 title this season, we wouldn't be surprised if they were the frontrunners next year.

 

#24 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 29-24, lost to Legends 43-14

No QB plummeted further in the Power Rankings than Topper this week, which doesn't seem fair considering he barely lost to the best team in his division and then got creamed by a team in a higher division for his Crossover game.  Sorry Topper.  We wonder if he's ever had a winless season in his long and storied career?  

 

#25 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Itches and Ohs 36-35, beat Sleezin Szn 36-34

The Show Me Dem TDs team that showed up on Saturday looked completely different than the team we've seen get killed all season.  Andy was on fire scoring 35 and 36 points in their doubleheader, and although they only went 1-1 on the day it wasn't for lack of good offense.  If this team can build on Saturday (and learn how to play some defense) they might actually compete in the playoffs.

 

#26 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the Mafia this weekend.  We don't have any cool stats about them either.  

 

#27 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to Spinelli's 22-16

Vaspian scored 36 points against Varsity Has Beens back on April 30th.  Here are their other offensive point totals for the season, from oldest to most recent: 19, 15, 20, 22, 12, 16.  And they're 5-2, ahead of ten other teams in the D4 standings!  There's something to be said for winning ugly, but at some point we'd like to see that offense take off.

 

#28 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Lost to Practice Squad 34-24

There are five teams in the League that are averaging under 20.0 PPG on offense, and Zack Attack is one of them.  Three of those five teams are terrible, one is not TERRIBLE but not very good, and the fifth... is Zack Attack, who own the fourth best defense in the League and are only -4 on the season so far.  

 

#29 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 15-14

Fifteen points isn't a great week, but a win's a win, and 716 is 5-2 coming into the home stretch.  They're currently tied with Vaspian for best defense in the League allowing only 17.1 PPG, and they're third in point differential too (+13.0 PPG).  This is a really solid team that CAN win their division, but likely won't get the best betting odds (fairly or otherwise) when the playoffs roll around.

 

#30 Kyle Sims - Today's Feast

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 48-19

Today's Feast had one close game this season on April 23rd when they fell to Varsity Has Beens by 6 points.  Other than that, they have won games by 16 and 42 points, and lost games by 22, 29, 31 and 40 points.  Inconsistency will probably keep the Feast out of the D4 playoffs if they can't string together two more wins to end the season.

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

 

We'll give the graphs a rest for a week and just show you a nice, simple chart.  Here are the Top Ten (and Bottom Ten) teams in the League for Offense, Defense, and Point Differential per Game:

 

 

What did we learn from this?

 

Scoring is way down from the last few sessions.  The average team is scoring (and conversely, giving up) 28.5 PPG this season.  Last Fall the average was 31.1 PPG, the Spring before that it was 30.2 PPG, and the Fall before THAT it was 29.9 PPG (aren't you glad we keep these records?).  That may not seem like a big difference, but it kind of is.  Over those last three seasons we've always had exactly three or four teams average 40+ PPG.  At this moment in this season we have zero, with our #1 scoring team (Sticky Bandits) a full 1.67 PPG behind the 40+ mark.  

 

Conversely, we now have five teams averaging under 20.0 PPG allowed on defense (all of which play in D4 or D5).  Last season we had zero, with only a handful under 20.0 PPG allowed the two seasons before that (remember when Mountain Dew Me allowed only 6.3 PPG a couple years ago??).

 

Travis Henry's Kids is the only team in the League so far this session to rank among the Top Ten best offenses AND the Top Ten best defenses.  Naturally, they're first in overall point differential.  

 

Bullet Club, TOX and Two Tuddies all managed to make the "Top Ten Worst" lists for both offense and defense.  Unsurprisingly they are a combined 1-19-1.  Hey, isn't there one guy that plays on two of those three teams?

 

Not really "points" related, but for at LEAST the fifth season in a row the TSL will finish without a single undefeated team (Breakfast Club excluded).  We don't have standings going back more than five seasons, but the website poll from July 2019 says "Public Enemy and Matty's Angels come up short in bid for undefeated seasons!" so we're betting it's at LEAST six seasons without a TSL team running the table.  Winning is hard!  On the other hand...

 

We currently have two winless teams in the TSL with two weeks to play.  Assuming Bullet Club and Two Tuddies don't BOTH pull off a miracle by June 11th, we will finish with at least one winless team for the third straight season.  Fall 2020 was the last time we had no winless teams in the League.  Losing is easy!

  

***

 

Division All-Star Teams

 

We tried this a couple seasons ago and liked the concept of it, so why not try it again?  Below are our TSL Division All-Star Teams.  Here's how it works:

  • We selected a team of 10 players from each division.  Teams had to have one designated QB, at least five other male players, and at least three female players.  The tenth spot could be either male or female depending on the strength of each particular division.
  • Every division must have at least one All-Star from EACH team in the division (except for D4 which has twelve teams fighting to fill ten spots).  After each team gets their minimum one representative, we'll fill out the rest of the roster however we want.
  • If a player plays in more than one division, they are only eligible for the highest division they play in, UNLESS it's for a different position (i.e. Jeremy Burr is eligible as both a receiver in D1 and a quarterback in D3, but Aaron Balcerzak is only eligible as a receiver in D2 and not D4).  This came up a lot.
  • This is not strictly a ranking of who the "best" player is on each team.  You might see an athlete from one team make our list over a teammate that was higher than him or her on our Male/Female Rankings from the past couple of weeks.  We're just looking for the best combination of players to fill out a team, and we'll take into account ALL that player offers when making our choices.  For example, Derek Bongiovanni was rated more highly than Kyle Conniff on our Male Players list from last week, but if we think we'd get more out of Kyle's leadership and defense, we might choose him over Derek.

 

So that's how it works.  It'll all be subjective of course so try not to get too excited when you don't see your name below.  These are the best combination of All-Star teams WE could think of given the rules above.  If you think you can do better, feel free to send us yours at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and we'll be happy to argue.

 

Oh, and the names within each category (male players vs female players) are arranged alphabetically by last name, so don't read anything into the order, they're not ranked best to worst.

 

Here are your Division All-Star Teams:

 

 

There are a million combinations we could have done, but those were the best teams WE could think of given our own set of rules here.  

 

Also we don't know "the Iceberg's" real name on Lettuce Win, but we're calling him the Iceberg because a) we can't resist the lettuce pun b) he's huge c) there's got to be more to him than we know, and d) he can totally sink your ship

 

And that's it for Division All-Stars.  We have only one other "special ranking" planned for the year and that is Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers next week.  Our June 16 article will be our usual post-season preview, so no other "Best This or That" type rankings that week.  If you have any input for which people you think should be in a TSL Hall of Fame, let us know!

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher? you thought this would be your chance to shine in the D5 all-star team listing and we still snubbed you?  the average age of our division all-star QBs is over 50 and you demand a youth movement?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 6 Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 26 May 2022 15:06
Published: Thursday, 26 May 2022 15:06
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 121

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL, and this week we'll take a similar look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  If you thought you hated our rankings of the ladies, wait til you see how badly we screwed up this one!  We also have a new "Team Defense" graph if you want to see how you're doing compared to other teams, and our usual QB ranking write-ups as well.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 28-16

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 35-34 (Legends), beat XMD 50-20, lost to Practice Squad 45-25 (Stunts)

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Legends 35-34

The three quarterbacks at the top of our Power Rankings get one combined write-up this week since the difference between them is virtually nothing right now.  There are three teams in D1 that have gone 1-1 against each other after two laps through that small division, and every QB listed above has now beaten every other QB above.  Since we don't do "ties" in our Power Rankings (our millions of readers deserve better than a cop-out like that!) here's how we ranked them: 

  • Bobby may be second in D1 scoring at 35.5 PPG, but he's also on a four-game winning streak.  No other D1 team is on a two-game winning streak.  This is the team you wouldn't want to play tomorrow.  Bobby is #1 in the Power Rankings.
  • Joey Batts is last among these three in D1 scoring at 32.3 PPG, and he's lost two of his last three games with Legends after a 3-0 start.  BUT he's also the quarterback of Cunning Stunts (third in the TSL at 37.5 PPG) and he has an advantage over Mike Thomas by winning both of his games against Tight Ends in Motion (one of which Mike lost) so he has the better overall win-loss record.  Joey is #2 in the Power Rankings.
  • Mike Thomas is actually first in D1 in scoring at 37.2 PPG, and if you're wondering if the Bandits are padding their stats by playing the League's only crossover game so far, the answer is nope, they scored only 33 against Scared Hitless... which means their "D1 games" scoring average is even better at 38.0 PPG.  But Mike lost to TEIM and Bobby/Joey didn't, so that's why Mike is #3.

Up to this point in the season each teams' schedule has been more or less the same, as they've each played each other twice and the Sticky Bandits have played one D2 crossover game.  It's about to get a little wacky though as the next two weeks are exclusively D1 vs D2 Crossover games, which means the stats could shift drastically with either blow-out wins or an upset loss.  Before that happens, let's take a moment to appreciate the parity in the TSL's top division (if you're into that sort of thing).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 41-14

The Notorious BNB had their first awful game of the season on Saturday and got killed by the DILFS.  It happens.  They put up only 14 points and they're STILL the highest scoring team in D2 at 35.8 PPG (7th best in the TSL).  It was a bad day, but we still expect them to be in the D2 championship mix in a few weeks' time.  

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Is it just us or do the fields feel a little more quiet when Hogan's not out there?

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 42-20

Scared Hitless resumed their winning ways with a 42-point beatdown of Team Topper on Saturday.  Dylan is 5-1 against his division but only fourth in scoring behind BNB, Passed Our Prime and DILFS.  It helps to have the number one defense in your division (Crossover game excluded).  

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 41-14

Some days it's a real struggle and you have to rally the troops and dig deep to pull out the W.  Saturday was not one of those days for DILFS.  Their defense gave Dubey great field position all day and he took advantage.  DILFS are now 4-2 but one of those losses came when Dubey was missing, and we bet if he were there a couple weeks ago he would have gotten that last snap off in time against Grey Hair - Don't Care...

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Lost to Freeballers 42-34

There are no more undefeated teams in the TSL this season as Burr scored 34 for Untouchaballs in a losing effort against Freeballers.  It seems more and more likely that these two teams are destined to meet in the D3 championship game, as they're the only two teams in that division with both winning records AND a positive point differential.  

 

#9 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Beat Untouchaballs 42-34 (Freeballers)

The Jewish Prince slayed a giant this week leading Freeballers over previously undefeated Untouchaballs.  If the Freeballers win out, they'll be the #1 seed in D3 for playoffs.  We wonder who would win a game between Freeballers and Bullet Club right now with Dylan playing all-time QB?

 

#10 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Number ten in our QB rankings, maybe number... five in our ref rankings?

 

#11 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Did Garrett ever end up getting that TSL tattoo, or did we not raise enough money?  Remind us how that story ended...?

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Beat Sleezin Szn 47-46, lost to Freeballers 47-0

What the absolute fuck happened here?  How do you score 47 in one game (winning by a single point) and then score 0 in the next (losing by 47)?  Say what you will about the inconsistency of the QB made famous for "throwing picks and sexting dicks" but at least their defense was consistent... consistently bad, giving up 46 and 47 in consecutive games.  

 

#13 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 28-16 (TEIM), beat Show Me Dem TDs 41-15 (Buffalo Vice)

It feels like we're evaluating two entirely different guys every week with Seth.  TEIM is averaging 17.8 PPG in games Seth has started (all losses), while Buffalo Vice is on a three-game winning streak during which they're averaging 39.7 PPG.  Our Committee is split on how to reconcile those two facts, with some of us wanting him higher and some of us wanting him lower.  #13 is the compromise here.

 

#14 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 45-25

In the words of Scotty Dro, "B is a winner and winners win.  Tbh idk how he's ranked so low.  It's 2022, leave your prejudices in the past you piece of shit".  Can't argue with that!  A 20-point win over the Stunts has Practice Squad tied for first place with Vaspian.  In a division with six 3-3 teams scratching and clawing to make playoffs, B's leadership has Practice Squad a step above the rest.

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 30-23

Spinelli's scored a combined 108 points in their first two starts as we anointed them the darlings of D4.  They've scored a combined 52 points in their last two starts, both losses.  The new jerseys look incredible, but they were dominating in black.  Time to rack up some wins in the new colors Nick.  

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

It seems like there hasn't been a good Moser controversy this season yet.  It's coming, right?

 

#17 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 30-23

Puckett has recovered nicely from their three-game losing streak to drop back to back W's against Zack Attack and Spinelli's Plumbing.  This is what they do, right?  Underperform all regular season, then turn into world beaters for playoffs?  The formula seems to work for them. 

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to 4th & Something 47-46

Sleezin Szn can't seem to win a game despite scoring an obscene amount of points this week.  This is their second 40+ scoring game that they've lost already, and we wouldn't be shocked to see another high scoring loss to Freeballers again next week.  Look, these guys are WAY too good to go winless.  They ALSO play Show Me Dem TDs next week, and if that isn't a guaranteed win, we don't know what is.

 

#19 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat TOX 26-14, lost to Cunning Stunts 50-20

Allegedly Jeff missed the Stunts massacre, and then showed up to beat TOX in their second game of the day.  XMD is the lowest 3-3 team in our standings (we will never understand website tie-breakers) and if the playoffs started today, they'd be on the outside looking in.  We'd bet a bucket of High Noons that they make the Big Dance in the end.

 

#20 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 42-20

Well look who finally decided to show up.  After skipping half the season with an injury, Topper has now tested out that ancient arm of his and decided to give it a go.  The results have not been what you'd call "great" as When Dove Cries has gone 0-2 with their QB1 under center.  We still think he's the 20th best QB in the League right now though, rust and all.

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Varsity Has Beens 36-33

How many of these 3-3 teams in D4 are we going to have to cover?? Seems like an endless string of middle-of-the-pack contenders in this division.  What do the stats say about ILF, let's see... well, they're 7th in their division in scoring and 8th in their division in defense.  Also, of the six .500 teams in this division, the Falcons are the only team with a negative point differential, which doesn't bode well for future success.

 

#22 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Not So Sticky 24-0

Darryl was missing half his team on Saturday and still could have won by 50 if he wanted.  Cobblestone is alone in first place in D5 right now with a 6-1 record and OH BY THE WAY they also have the second-best defense in the entire TSL, allowing only 17.3 PPG.  This is your time, Cobblestone, you've waited long enough for a championship.

 

#23 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Southside 65-14

Speaking of teams that could have won by 50 if they wanted, this team DID win by 50 on Saturday and could have made it much worse.  Travis Henry's Kids just annihilated Southside in every way possible on Saturday.  They're the class of D6 right now and they're ready to move on and show that they can win D5 next season also.  Langley cannot be stopped.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 43-12

Can't Touch This scored 33 total points in their first three games, all losses.  They've scored 110 in their last three games, all wins.  It takes some time for new teams to figure out how to win.  Looks like Ryan Dougherty got there in about three games.  This team is certainly trending up and ready to break away from the rest of the pack in the middle of the D4 standings.

 

#25 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Lost to Tater Tots 25-20, lost to 716 19-6

This was not a great week for Red Zone Mafia, losing both games of a doubleheader and scoring only 26 total points in the process.  Sounds ugly.  We're just assuming they were missing people, because this looks nothing like the Red Zone Mafia that we'd seen in previous weeks.  One bad week is okay, two bad weeks is a trend, so we'll see what kind of team shows up against top ranked Cobblestone next week.

 

#26 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to Zack Attack 18-12

Vaspian finally suffered their first loss of the season, though they're still in first place in their division.  Every week we wonder if Brian is too low in the QB Rankings, but their offense is 37th in the TSL and their defense is 1st at an amazingly low 16.3 PPG.  Defense is carrying this team today, but Brian is plenty good enough to give them a boost in the playoffs.

 

#27 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 18-12

Zack Attack won the defensive battle of the season last week against Vaspian to move to 3-3 on the season.  They're the third best defense in the TSL at 17.3 PPG allowed but their points for is only 18.3 PPG, so a pretty narrow margin to work with every week.  If Zack Attack can get something going on offense (suggestion: more throws to Misty) they could really make some noise in the playoffs.

 

#28 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Beat Red Zone Mafia 19-6, lost to TMA 28-22

We have shamefully neglected Derek Pew in our QB Rankings so far this season despite the fact that 716 is leading D5 in scoring at 32.7 PPG.  Sorry Derek!  716 also leads their division in point differential at +15.0 PPG, so we should be giving them a little more credit all around as championship contenders too...

 

#29 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 41-15

Andy Clark has a cannon for an arm and he has played some great football in the TSL in the past.  Having said that, it hasn't translated into much so far THIS season for Show Me Dem TDs, who are averaging 16.0 PPG (last in their division by a mile).  In fact, they could score 75 points in their next game and STILL be last in D3 scoring.  Since we've seen Andy light it up in the past, we have to assume it's his receivers' fault.  Get it together, TDs!

 

#30 Kyle Sims - Today's Feast

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 43-12

We don't know a lot about Kyle Sims.  This is what happens when teams don't write to us to tell us about their QBs.  But we hear he's the quarterback for Today's Feast, who are doing much better this season than last.  Sure, they're only 2-4, but D4 is a tight division and they're still very much in contention to make playoffs.  Kyle has more points per game than four other QBs ranked ahead of him on this chart, so their win-loss record is probably more on their defense (10th in D4) than their offense.  

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

We're clearly pretty fond of this colorized "points scored per game" graphic we've shown a couple times already this season, so we're going to give you the same (updated) graph this week.  BUT we'll also show you a "points against per game" graph this week so you can see how bad your defense is too.  No, we didn't include the Buffalo Bills SuperBowl seasons in the defense graph... listen, these "Male Receivers" type rankings we're about to get to take up a lot of our time, and Topper doesn't give us the interns we need to get all this done each week by Thursday.  You're lucky you're getting any of these graphs honestly.

 

 

 

Why does your team's defense look so bad?  Have you tried batting away the other team's passes?

 

***

The Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL

 

Oh boy.  If last week's Greatest Female Players rankings were any indication, it seems like no one is ever happy with their ranking (unless they're #1...  Hi Melanie!).  We expect more of the same from this week's Greatest Male Players rankings.  We'll try to recognize you by pointing out how great you are (that is the point of this segment after all), you'll complain we didn't recognize you ENOUGH by ranking you ahead of everyone else, and then you'll bitch about how we don't know what we're talking about, how this is all just a popularity contest and biased against you because blah blah blah.  Oh, and you probably didn't even respond to our numerous requests to send in your votes and let your voice be heard, did you?  You had your chance.  We're sorry your peers don't think you're as good as you do.  Just keep in mind when you're whining to your friends and teammates about your rank, they're probably thinking "at least he GOT ranked, why does no one ever notice me?".

 

With that said, here's a reminder of what we're looking for on our "Greatest Male Players (Non-QB)" list:

  • Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best male players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
  • Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
  • They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.
  • If you happen to add versatility as your team's backup QB, that's truly helpful for your team and they're lucky to have that from you.  But it doesn't factor into our rankings.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned him, you won't see his name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

  • Nick Angelo - Eyes Downtown
  • Anthony Bargnessi - Sleezin Szn
  • Anthony Deak - Bullet Club
  • Adam Dimillo - Can't Touch This
  • Dan Gonzalez - Buffalo Vice
  • Paul Johnson - Bullet Club
  • Andrew Kicak - Sticky Bandits, Interdimensional Lightning Falcons
  • Leseaon Washington - Cobblestone
  • Jake Valley - Freeballers
  • Nick Wendt - Tight Ends in Motion

 

And now... your top Twenty Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL (actually 21 because we had a tie in our voting for the last spot):

 

T - #20: Pete Walbrandt - Travis Henry's Kids

"Nobody knows about Pete because he plays in D6!"  That was probably true once, but not anymore.  Pete is a D1 talent playing for Travis Henry's Kids, and he's John Langley's go-to guy.  Just a fantastic athlete with the speed and athleticism to shine on both sides of the ball.  THK will be winning championships soon and if you haven't had your ass kicked by Pete Walbrandt yet, just wait, because it's coming.

 

T - #20: George Lombardo - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Freeballers

George is a natural athlete and a tremendously versatile player that can do whatever his team asks of him.  He is the perfect combination of size, speed and playmaking ability, and he'll rip a contested ball out of the other team's hands on one play and then make a one-handed touchdown catch on the next.

 

#19: Matt Helm - The Untouchaballs

Matt is the Untouchaballs top option, and a big part of the reason Jeremy Burr looks halfway decent out there.  When Burr gets in trouble and he needs a play, Matt is usually the look.  It’s no surprise that Untouchaballs seem to struggle when he is out of the lineup like he was last year in the playoffs.

 

#18: Mike Rawdin - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Mike has grown from a young D5 player into one of the better two-way athletes in the league. He holds himself to a very high standard and works hard every year to better himself, morphing from "just an athlete" to an instinctive and intelligent player.  He doesn’t just play the game, he understands the game, and he puts his body on the line to make the difficult catch.  Rawdog wants the ball in his hands when the game is on the line, and routinely delivers.

 

#17: Ron Webber - TMA

Ron is one of the most underrated players in the league that people who play in higher divisions don't know about (yet).  The newest D6 Champ, Ron Webber is TMA's go-to player.  When they need a play or a touchdown on sixth down, Ron is usually the guy.  When he drops a ball, the team goes quiet in disbelief (which doesn’t happen often).  Mr. Reliable is constantly open and constantly making plays.  Something every team needs.

 

#16: Travis Cleavenger - Legends, DILFS

When Travis isn't busy screaming at Garbacz or running circles around pass rushers in Breakfast Club, he moonlights as one of the best defensive players in the TSL.  He has the field vision and instincts to understand what an opposing offense is trying to do and then the speed and athleticism to take it away.  He's no slouch offensively either and always seems to find cracks in the other team's defense (whether Joey sees him or not).

 

#15: Keyon Elias - Passed Our Prime

Keyon has been Hogan's most reliable weapon over the years on Passed Our Prime.  His combination of speed and hands is tough to beat as he just needs the smallest crack in a defense to explode into an open spot and make the catch.  His strength is definitely on the offensive side of the ball but he's a very capable defender also with the instincts and closing speed to make a play on any ball that comes his way.

 

#14: Kevin Zack - Sticky Bandits, DILFS

Kevin Zack is a matchup nightmare, and impossible to defend.  You just cannot play man defense against him with his speed, and he is the best underneath and traffic route runner in the league.  When the ball is in his hands you need an army of defenders to catch and corral him or he'll run circles around a defense.  Effort is never a question with Kevin as he is routinely going all-out diving around the field to make catches or break up passes.

 

#13: Johnny Yioulos - Eyes Downtown, Scared Hitless

Johnny Football was an "honorable mention" when we did our Greatest Male Players ranking last season, but he's vaulted up to the #13 spot this session.  Every time we reach out to the League and ask which players are really standing out to people, they always tend to mention Johnny's name.  Speed, route running, hands, Johnny is the total package and just an excellent football player who makes his teams flat out better.

 

#12: Dave Baker - Tight Ends in Motion, Notorious BNB

Dave has been in the "Top Male Players" mix for at least the last decade.  He has a well-deserved reputation as the smartest player in the game, and he routinely finds ways to beat players who are taller, younger and faster than he is.  No one sees the field like "Daddy Dave" and knows exactly how to attack the other team.  Even when he's not making the big play himself, he's drawing up the scheme that opens up one of his teammates to have success.  There isn't a team in this League that wouldn't benefit from his play-making instincts.  

 

#11: Eric Delecki - Eyes Downtown

Eric Delecki is one of the driving forces of Eyes Downtown's success.  He is "the guy" his defense relies on to make a play, and opposing offenses often have to gameplan around him if they want to have any success.  His instincts are incredible, and he often makes a play when the other team is least expecting it, completely changing the complexion of a game in the blink of an eye.  When Bobby needs a big play, Delecki is no slouch on offense either, finding a hole in a zone or just running past the poor defense.

 

#10: Andy Smigiera - Tight Ends in Motion

What else do you expect when a guy allegedly gets a tryout for an NFL team?  He has speed and athletic ability that could take it to the house at any point.  Andy has only been playing in the league for a few sessions, but he has become a household name already for Tight Ends.  This is a guy you don’t want to throw the ball anywhere near when you're on offense, and a guy you game plan for on defense.  You have to know where he is at all times or he'll embarrass you.

 

#9: Drew Colosimo - When Dove Cries, Sticky Bandits

Once the Intern, Drew has become a fixture on Topper's teams over the years and now the Sticky Bandits in D1.  You can see his goalie instincts in the way he plays the game of football.  Drew has big hands, long arms, and his catch radius is ridiculous (which you need when Topper is throwing the ball).  He shines more on offense than defense but even there he has the speed and instincts to jump a route and make a quarterback look silly.

 

#8: Kyle Conniff - Tight Ends in Motion, Passed Our Prime

Kyle is another two-way player that just shouldn’t come off the field, as he is too vital to his team on both sides of the field.  As good is he is on offense (precise route running and making great catches look routine) he is probably even better on defense.  He's impossible to shake and can man just about anyone in the league and shut them down.  He knows his zone, and his communication is top notch.  Kyle is a guy you want on the field captaining a last-minute defensive stand.

 

#7: Nick Voss - Grey Hair - Don't Care, 716

The MVP of D3 has moved up to D2 and hasn't slowed down a bit.  He used his speed (and anonymity) to beat players in D3 and now that he's in D2 he has become the #1 go-to player on his team.  Nick is the person that teams now gameplan against when they play Grey Hair, and yet he still gets it done.  He has the speed and athleticism to make difficult catches look easy, and the anticipation and speed to make up and close down passing lanes.  Nick is the first person on this list to have been named on every QB Committee member's ballot.

 

#6: "Stoner" Dave Gdaniec - Tight Ends in Motion

Stoner Dave is the perfect combination of speed and intensity for Tight Ends in Motion.  He routinely makes difficult catches when the ball is thrown anywhere near him, and he has the speed on both sides of the ball to make plays that you didn't think he'd be even close to.  Stoner is a cannabis fueled Terminator who never tires and leaves it all out on the field every week.

 

#5: Chris Nelson - Legends

Chris is the best pure athlete in the TSL.  You've seen him play, you know how fast he is and that his catch radius is seemingly endless.  Every opponent Chris plays against has to account for him at all times on both sides of the ball.  He may not have the weekly consistent productivity of the players ranked above him as he seems to coast through games sometimes, but in terms of raw potential on any given play, there is no one in the League who is better than Chris Nelson.  

 

#4: Adrian Cannon - Sticky Bandits, TOX

Adrian is a relative newcomer in the league who is just getting started.  Every opponent says the same thing after every game: he's not just fast, he seems to "glide" around the field.  He always gets the defense taking three steps back before the ball is snapped because they're terrified that he's going to run right past them.  Adrian is a terrific route runner and equally capable in man coverage.  A couple years down the line this guy may be the next “Boccio” that the League uses as it's standard for greatness.

 

#3: Derek Bongiovanni - Tight Ends in Motion

Derek is like 6’4” (we're guessing), runs fast as hell and just routinely gets behind the defense.  Teams try to gameplan for him but are consistently surprised and caught off guard by his deep speed.  Just when you think you've shut Tight Ends in Motion down, it's Derek for a deep ball that you ALMOST had covered but he pulls it down out of nowhere.  He isn't particularly known for his defense, but he's very capable on both sides of the ball.  Also one of the nicest guys in the League, Derek is universally respected by teammates and opponents alike.

 

#2: Mike Boccio - Legends

What can we say about Boccio that you haven't heard before?  This guy has won countless MVP’s in the highest division.  He is a true two way player with the brainpower to make his physical attributes even more dangerous.  He has speed, intelligence, and route running to make him a nightmare to cover, and he has the speed and intelligence on defense to make adjustments and make up speed when he is beat.  His instincts can be game changing, and although this season he lost the Cole-to-Boccio connection that made him famous, he's still one of the best players in the game.

 

#1: Sean Weisensal - Legends, Passed Our Prime

Pound for pound Sean may be the top athlete in the game today.  He is a nightmare on offense with the speed, power, height and jumping ability to catch any ball thrown his way, even when coverage is perfect.  If you need a play on offense and you need one of your guys to GO GET THAT BALL, he is the guy you want to be throwing it to.  Defensively he has the range and the instincts to make plays all over the field, and despite his reputation he still tends to be underestimated a bit because teams don't think a guy his size will move that quickly.  He's currently the #1 non-QB Male Player in the TSL, and if you have any questions feel free to ask him, he'd be happy to tell you why he's the greatest.

 

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Male (Non-QB) Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("I've never even heard of these guys!  I'm so much better than all these other players!  And since when does Stoner Dave have a last name?") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on our next "Rankings".  Next week we'll be looking at the Division All-Star Teams, which are 10 man rosters constructed from the best of each division (each team will have at least one player represented, except D4 which has a dozen teams).  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight who your team's all-star(s) should be, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher?  you had a good game in D6 last week and you think it's not fair that D1 athletes get more coverage than you?  you find Scotty Dro's "throwing picks and sexting dicks" line offensive?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Power Rankings Week 4

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 12 May 2022 14:10
Published: Thursday, 12 May 2022 14:10
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 142

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

We've done something a little different this week.  As promised, we have a list of things we plan to rank this season other than quarterbacks, and we've been publishing a schedule at the end of our articles for the last few weeks showing what's coming.  Our first non-QB Ranking of the year is ready this week as we've compiled the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  We'll get into the details of how we defined "the greatest teams" below, but needless to say it was fairly exhausting!  Read on below and see if your team made the list to end all lists.

 

For our actual Quarterback Rankings this week, we've expanded our coverage to the Top 25 passers in the League.  Inspired by the genius of our Breakfast Club captains (or perhaps just exhausted from the effort it took to do the "Greatest Teams" rankings), we've done each QB write-up below as a Haiku.  Not much change at the top of the Rankings, but lots of action in the #10 - #25 spots so take a look and see how your team's quarterback is doing. 

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 38-24 (Legends), lost to Vaspian 20-17 (Cunning Stunts)

Two losses for Joe

Why is this guy number one?

Must be his good looks

 

#2 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 20-19

After two seasons

Mike finally beats Tight Ends,

Sticky is for real

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Legends 38-24

Bobby McConnell,

Admit it, you wrote him off

But he keeps winning

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 38-32

Dylan is ready,

D2 runs through Scared Hitless

Helps to have those chicks!

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Did Not Play

D2's best offense:

Notorious BNB

This Greek can ball out!

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 38-32, beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 30-29

Won one and lost one,

They have a winning record

thanks to Hogan's arm

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 20-19 (TEIM), beat Sleezin Szn 31-14 (Buffalo Vice)

Seth has his first win

as Vice beats Sleezin Szn,

Tight Ends will win soon

 

#8 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 36-18

Dubey beats the Club,

seems to win games every year,

is he immortal?

 

#9 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 37-12

Name the following:

All unbeaten D3 teams.

Easy.  Just the 'Balls!

 

#10 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 36-18 (Bullet Club); beat Itches and Ohs 27-15 (Freeballers)

Bullet Club winless,

Freeballers are two and one

That feels about right

 

#11 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TD's 31-27

Hey Frodo Swaggins,

Why must all your games be tight?

This is exhausting

 

#12 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 36-25, lost to Passed Our Prime 30-29

Grey Hair Don't Care wins!

They're one and three but look fine,

Beware playoff Dave.

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 37-12

Finally a loss,

can't be perfect forever,

not even Scotty

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Beat TOX 44-16, lost to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 34-32

Spinelli's Plumbing,

we thought you could never lose,

Falcons disagreed

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Lost to Freeballers 27-15

High scoring Itches,

what happened to your offense?

Scoring fifteen sucks!

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Puckett All-Stars 35-31

Practice Squad can't lose,

Puckett's a quality win,

Good to see you're BACK

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat Varsity Has-Beens 56-32

Wow fifty six points

XMD spanked the Has Beens

D4, fear Jenkins

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 31-14

Sleezin Oh-and-three,

Newman you're better than this,

at least we think so

 

#19 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Practice Squad 35-31

Puckett you're RIGHT there

on the verge of winning games,

why can't you finish?

 

#20 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 34-32

Huge, huge, huge, huge win

are ILF contenders?

It sure seems like it

 

 

#21 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat TMA 22-16

Is Blake winning games

Or does Sam do all the work?

Who cares, they're winning

 

#22 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Did Not Play

The hair of a God,

The arm of a dinosaur,

Darryl is legend

 

#23 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 20-17

Vaspian and Zack,

Winning games with great defense,

Need more QB help!

 

#24 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 21-8

Zack and Vaspian,

Winning games with great defense,

Need more QB help!

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Blitzkrieg 34-6, beat Woodpeckers 20-12

Leader of D6,

THK is killing teams

John is MVP

 

***

The Greatest TSL Teams of All-Time

 

When we started talking in the offseason about fun things we could rank this session, one of our Committee members suggested "the best teams of all-time".  We immediately wrote this down and said yes, absolutely, that would be a great debate!  Then when we started actually trying to do it, we realized everyone had different ideas about what "greatness" meant.  Is a great team just one with the best win percentage?  Is a great team one that wins a lot of championships?  Is a great team one that hangs out at the bar every week and has contributed to the culture of the league over the years?  Sure, a great team can be all of those things, but how you define greatness will give you a COMPLETELY different list.  Marketing Mayors was a better team than Cobblestone on the field.  Cobblestone was (and is) a more impactful team in the history of the bar scene.  Comparing the two would be pointless.  So we decided this list will be the best teams on the field in the history of the TSL.  Bar contributions will not factor into the rankings whatsoever (maybe they become a separate ranking some day).

 

So if we decide we're only going to evaluate on-field performance, how do we even begin to do that?  For starters, some of these teams haven't played in a decade.  How does Dwyer's compare to Scared Hitless?  How does Top Line Solutions compare to Tight Ends in Motion?  The only way to subjectively assess older teams is to ask old-timers who have been around for the entirety of the TSL, and you know how that goes: everyone was ALWAYS better "back in the day"... or at least that's how people tend to remember their athletic primes.  Objective comparison by memory is impossible because people are hopelessly biased to whatever narrative better supports their own legacies.  We can't ask around about who was "the best" because we don't trust the answers we'd get back.

 

Okay, so if we're trying to remove the biased memories of old-timers from the equation, how do we compare teams based PURELY on the facts?  Ideally we would look at win percentages and point differentials of each team in TSL history and see who is the best in each category.  That would be nice... IF we still had all those old records.  Sadly it's a little challenging to dig up old standings as our website doesn't back up that information on a regular basis.  So what do we do in the absence of team win/loss records?

 

We look at championships.

 

If you're REALLY one of the best on-field teams in the history of the League, you've won a championship at some point in time.  It's that simple.  Yes, we are VERY aware that it's not a 100% perfect system for evaluating performance: a team that finished in second five times could potentially have been better than a team that won one title.  Think of it like Philip Rivers vs Trent Dilfer: one of them is clearly better, yet the other has more championships.  However if you're going to stake a claim to being one of the all-time greats, you cannot do it without winning the big ones, plain and simple (sorry Philip Rivers!).  So the focus of our rankings will be on the irrefutable evidence of which teams have won championships over the years in the TSL.  We're sorry if you never won one, because you're not going to be on our list.

 

As it turns out, even information on previous champions is incredibly difficult to find!  Rumors are that there are lost plaques floating around the Rose Garden somewhere with past winners engraved, but no one has seen those in years.  But we had to have ALL the facts to make sure this was done correctly, so our Committee dug up all the old research we could find: a decade of old banquet emails from Topper, Godfather articles still saved on the website, archived podcasts from the end of seasons long long ago (which are still super entertaining if you ever have the time and want to hear Sheri quiz Lenny on who he'd "Fuck Marry Kill").  It was incredibly difficult but we eventually tracked down every championship victory in TSL history... all 112 of them.  We're sure you've never seen a complete list of these before (we're sure NO one has ever seen a complete list before, even Topper) so let's start with that, and then we'll try to make sense of how we rank these teams against each other:

 

 

We really encourage you to stop reading and take a minute to absorb that list.  Ten years, twenty seasons, one hundred and twelve divisions, summarized in a single chart.  Crazy to see how much the League has changed over the years, for those who have been around long enough to appreciate it.  You'll notice this list doesn't include Breakfast Club, Winter Session or any special tournament teams by the way, which have different formats and wouldn't make sense to compare against our normal outdoor seasons.

 

So now that we have the data, how do we compare our various champions?  All divisions are obviously not created equal, and if we're trying to determine who's the best of the best, it has to be significantly biased towards the top division. Winning D5 is not the same as winning D1... and yet we can't just ignore lower divisions either.  Somehow we had to figure out a way to weight each division to compare all of these teams objectively.  After much internal debate about what each division is "worth", we finally asked ourselves the question, which is HARDER: winning any division once, or winning the next lowest division twice?  In other words what's a greater achievement: winning one D2 title, or winning two D3 titles?  We all agreed that it's probably harder to win one D2 title, which led us to weight divisions in the following format: 

  • A D1 championship is our baseline since it's the best a team can do.  Let's make that worth 100 points.  
  • A D2 title is worth, at BEST, 49% of that, since two D2 titles don't quite equal a D1 title (you can argue it should be LESS than 49%, but we've made the choice to weight lower divisions as heavily as reasonably possible here).  49 points for a D2 title.
  • A D3 title should be worth 49% of THAT, so about 24 points for each D3 championship.
  • Every subsequent division is worth 49% of the previous one, so D4 is worth 11 points, D5 is worth 5 points, and D6 is worth 2 points.

 

If we try to compare two different teams using this weighting system, one team would need two D2 championships AND one D6 championship to equal another team's one D1 championship.  Or they'd need about nine D4 titles, or twenty D5 titles, any combination that gets them to 100 points.  It's a little subjective as far as the points we've assigned each division, but we feel confident that it's a decent system.

 

One challenge we CAN'T really account for when adding up each team's weighted points is if a team has changed names over the years.  Look, we're smart enough to know that Matty's Angels and The Angels are the same team, and we know that Ryan Puckett All-Stars and Puckett All-Stars are the same people too, so we combined those teams championship points when doing out All-Time Rankings.  But didn't Bobby McConnell used to QB for 1-2-3 Gawron?  Do they consider that the same team as Eyes Downtown?  We have no way of knowing, so the two are tracked as two separate teams here.  Alternatively, if two completely DIFFERENT teams used the same name (ex. are the Fall 2011 "Riley Street Station" the same people as the Spring 2012 "Riley Street Station"?) we would have no way of knowing that either, so we have to treat all teams with the same name as the same group.

 

With that being said, we've calculated the points for every championship winning team in that first chart above.  Without further adieu, here are the greatest teams in TSL history, based on strength and number of championships won:

 

 

Once you see where your team is ranked in the chart above, you'll instantly decide you hate our methodology and you'd be higher ranked if we "just measured it differently".  Come on.  That's loser talk.  Win more championships, and history will remember you more fondly.

 

So let's see what our chart is telling us!

 

Observations on Rankings & Championship Listing

 

Public Enemy is the #1 team in TSL history.  That may come as a surprise to some the way people still talk about how great Green & Associates used to be.  The thing is, our rankings are the best teams in TSL history, and some of Green & Associates championships came from the MileSports days before Topper and Lenny broke away and made history.  Green & Associates are like Ichiro putting up great stats in Japan before he jumped to MLB - they might have been the greatest in history, but they're not the greatest in OUR history.

 

Green & Associates are the #2 team in TSL history, but only if we don't consolidate Bobby's two teams into one.  If 1-2-3 Gawron and Eyes Downtown are considered the same team (we have no idea if they share any personnel besides Bobby) then that combined team would immediately supplant Green & Associates in the #2 spot with higher combined points (three combined D1 titles AND a D2 title).  And Eyes Downtown are still active, so they can continue to climb the chart with more championship wins.  

 

Public Enemy has the most championship wins at ANY level in TSL history with five, and of course all are in D1.  The only other team in TSL history with four championships is A&A, who first won D5, then D4, then publicly called out the D3 champions the same afternoon they won D4, then decided NOT to move up a division the next session and won D4 again, and then eventually won D2. 

 

There are three teams in TSL history to have won championships in three different divisions: Gryffindor (D2, D3, D4), Sticky Bandits (D2, D3, D4), and A&A (D2, D4, D5).  No team has ever won championships in four or more divisions, though individuals certainly have (Joey Batts for example has won D2, D3, D4 and D5, and is a betting favorite to win D1 this session).  The Sticky Bandits would become the only four division winner in TSL history if they win the D1 championship this session.

 

The 112 championships in League History were won by 78 different teams.  23 of these have won multiple championships, while 55 teams have won just a single championship.  We would have thought there would be a lot more success stories of teams winning one division just to move up and win another, but only 16 teams in TSL history have won championships in different divisions.

 

There are only 9 teams in TSL history that have won championships in back to back sessions, including four teams that moved up after winning their first division and still won again (Riley Street Station D4->D2, Dinner For Two D4->D3, Sticky Bandits D3->D2 and Spinelli's Plumbing D6->D5), three that won lower divisions and chose to stay there to win again (Hung Buffalo in D5, A&A in D4, Puckett All-Stars in D4) and two D1 teams that repeated as champions at the highest level (Green & Associates and Public Enemy each did it once; amazing there haven't been more repeat D1 winners in 20 seasons).  Riley Street Station is the only champion to ever move up two divisions the next session and still immediately win another championship.

 

Never mind consecutive championships: no team has EVER won either D3 or D6 twice at any point in TSL history.  Every other division has had at least one team win it multiple times.

 

There are a few active teams towards the top of our chart that could bolster their all-time ranking by winning a championship this Spring 2022 session, including Tight Ends in Motion (would jump from 7th to 3rd), Eyes Downtown (8th to 4th), Sticky Bandits (12th to 7th), and the DILFS (18th to 11th).  In total, 17 of our 46 currently active teams have won a championship at some point in our League history.

 

There are only two teams in TSL history to have won both D1 and a lower division championship: Tight Ends in Motion and 1-2-3 Gawron (both of whom won D2)

 

We hesitate to write this next part because although we absolutely mean it as a compliment, many will absolutely take it as disrespect: it's a known fact that the GameOn league is not as competitive as the TSL, and teams that come over to our League usually have to drop a couple divisions compared to what they were playing over there (GameOn D2 = TSL D4).  Having said that, we're told the Wanderers have won like ten of their D1 championships (we don't know the actual number), which is like winning ten of our D3 championships.  Rather than all that "they'd never win OUR D1" talk we heard at the bar last season, let's take a second to appreciate that even ten D3 championships would give them the equivalent of like 240 points in our weighting system, and rank them among the top teams of all-time regardless of where they've played.

 

Cobblestone was the last place team (0-9-1) in the lowest division in the first year of the TSL.  Their last championship was Spring of 2013, nine long years ago.  This season might be the best chance they've had in years to finally end the TSL's most prolific championship drought.  Coronas are on Darryl if they can pull it off!

 

So that's your objective, championship-based approach to the greatest teams in TSL history.  Don't like it?  Complain at the bar like everyone else.

 

***

Just a reminder that our Non-QB rankings next week are the Best Female Players in the League.  We DON'T have "championship stats" to support this ranking, so it will be entirely subjective based on Committee observations.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a girl that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late!

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you don't like math based rankings and you wanted your team to be higher on the all-time list because you're just, like, so much better in your opinion?  you're furious that Peachy Platoon and the Tommy Hughes Experience somehow have the same ranking on our chart?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

 

Week 5 Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13
Published: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 143

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  This week we look at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL (and we even have one of our fancy "Team Graphs" for you).  Next week we look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  And of course, this week and every week we will also be looking at the Greatest QBs in the TSL (it's what we get "paid" for, after all).  

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 38-16 (Legends)

There have been ten D1 games so far this session, excluding crossover games.  Four games been decided by 11+ points (more than one score).  All four were Legends games (three wins and a loss).  Cunning Stunts aren't exactly struggling either, though they didn't play this week.  Still #1 in your Rankings and in your heart, Joey Batts.

 

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 49-48

Bobby moves up one spot in the Rankings with a nearly flawless game against the Sticky Bandits.  Eyes Downtown have won three in a row now against all three of their D1 opponents after starting the season 0-2.  Whatever was wrong with these guys doesn't seem like a problem anymore.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-48, beat Scared Hitless 33-30

Thomas is still the highest scoring quarterback in D1 and is just a few plays away from being 6-0 this season.  Of course he's also a few plays away from being 1-5 this season, so tough to know what to make of that.  The Sticky Bandits are the only D1 team to have not lost a game by more than 6 points so far this session (Legends will look to change that this week).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 54-14

There are only two teams in the TSL averaging more than 40 PPG right now: one of them is Notorious BNB, and the other plays in D4.  Bullet Club is struggling but 54 is a good day for Buchlis no matter who the opponent.  Notorious BNB is now the only team in D2 with only one loss in the standings (even though our website has them in 4th for some reason).

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 27-8

It's strange when Passed Our Prime is NOT leading their division in scoring, but right now they're #2 to Notorious BNB (there's a chart below if you want to scroll down a bit).  Bullet Club is allowing the fourth most points per game in the League, so we're a little disappointed Hogan couldn't put up 50+ against them.  Must have been an off day.

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 14-0, lost to Sticky Bandits 33-30 (Crossover game)

We don't care even a little that Dylan lost the TSL's first Crossover game of the season against a D1 team.  If anything it's impressive that they almost won.  That shutout loss against Grey Hair - Don't Care though... that was unexpected.  We know they weren't at full strength, but getting blanked is enough to drop Dylan a couple spots in the Rankings this week.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 38-16 (TEIM), beat Frodo Swaggins 47-46 (Buffalo Vice)

The Tight Ends in Motion offense is averaging 17.5 PPG in their last two weeks, both losses.  The Buffalo Vice offense is averaging 39.0 PPG in their last two weeks, both wins.  We suspect Seth is having more fun with the latter.  Maybe Dan Gonzalez is a faster receiver than Ben Stack.  Can we have them race?

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 37-15

The Untouchaballs have the best record, best offense, (second) best defense, and the best point differential in D3.  Do they have the best quarterback too?  What's the highest a pure D3 quarterback has ever gone in our Rankings before?  We should look that up.  Next week will be the Battle of the 'Balls between Untouchaballs and Freeballers, debatably the next best team in the division, in what should be the game of the week.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 14-0, beat DILFS 40-39

Grey Hair - Don't Care started the season 0-3, and they're on a 3-0 tear ever since.  Shutout win over division-leading Scared Hitless, huge win (with absolutely zero controversy) over DILFS... Eickhoff has completely turned around his team's season over the past couple of weeks.  Grey Hair looks to be one of maybe five real contenders in D2 this season.  

 

#10 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

DILFS went 1-1 without Dubey this week.  We wonder how he would have reacted to the "Garbacz Incident"...

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 54-14, lost to Passed Our Prime 27-8 (Bullet Club)

Hey how about those Freeballers?  They had a bye this week and they've only played three games this session.  We THINK they're still undefeated with Dylan quarterbacking, so that's pretty exciting.  Yes, there is absolutely nothing else to talk about with teams that Dylan quarterbacks, so let's move along to the next guy in our Rankings...

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 47-46

Oh, Garrett.  You love the TSL so much that you're committed to giving the fans their money's worth every week as they watch the end of your games.  Never a dull moment.  Frodo seems destined to finish 4-4-1 with a +0 point differential.  We look forward to their quadruple overtime playoff games next month.  

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Scotty lost one game against Untouchaballs and he needed a week off to regroup.  After two straight weeks of meditation and silent reflection, we expect he will never lose another game.

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 46-29

We were ready to crown these guys as D4 champions a couple weeks ago when they were murdering everyone in their path.  Obviously it's too early to panic (they still have the best point differential in their division, and the best offense in the entire League at 42.6 PPG) but still, maybe they aren't as destined for the championship game as we once thought.  

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Itches and Ohs game this week due to the weather situation for our 3 o' clock games.  Lucky for them, we hear they were missing Steve anyway.

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 22-15

Fifteen points?  B, you're supposed to be better than that.  This was Practice Squad's first loss of the year (and against another undefeated team) so we'll let it slide and keep you in the #16 spot this week, despite all the pressure we get from your detractors to #MoveBdown.

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play

XMD is 0.5 PPG away from joining the elite 40+ PPG club.  Maybe next week Jeff!

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 32-17

We learned this week that before Puckett All-Stars were "Puckett All-Stars", they were "Cupcake" and "Go Fumble Yourself".  No word on whether TJ QBed all those iterations of this team, but we short-changed them on our All-Time Team Rankings last week by treating the four time champs as three separate teams.  Sorry guys... don't change names so much!  The combined Puckett All-Stars/Cupcake/Go Fumble Yourself Team has won two D4 championships as well as a D5 and a D6 title (good for #29 on our all time Ranking).  They're also tied with A&A for second most championships of all time, and if they win D4 this session they will tie Public Enemy for most championships in TSL history with five.  

 

#19 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 51-12

Red Zone Mafia had their second 50+ point game of the season on Saturday and they're one of three 1-Loss teams at the top of the D5 standings.  We don't factor in non-QB contributions to these rankings, but if we did Blake would be towards the top our list.

 

#20 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Sleezin Szn has only played three games, and Newman didn't make at least one of them, and they haven't won a game yet.  Slow start to this Szn!

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Lost to Today's Feast 36-20

Joe Cool has had an up and down season for the Falcons, beating Spinelli's one week and losing to the Feast the next.  We're still not sure how good this team is, and they've been in the League forever now.  Lump them into that "dangerous enough that they can beat anyone, but also inconsistent enough that they could get rocked in the first round of playoffs" category.

 

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 22-15

Vaspian is undefeated and yet they have only the 34th best points per game in the TSL.  The fact that they allow 16.0 PPG on defense is a huge part of their success, and frankly the reason Brian isn't higher on this list despite having a better record in his division than six of the quarterbacks ranked higher than him.  Is that fair?  We're not sure!

 

#23 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Tater Tots 34-14

Cobblestone is #1 in the D5 standings with a 5-1 record after thoroughly handling the Tots this week.  They're a fairly balanced team this year boasting the division's third best offense and third best defense.  But their defense doesn't have famous hair and the offense does, so Darryl gets the credit.  Sorry LeSeaon.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 46-29

Who is this guy?  We don't know much about Ryan Dougherty or Can't Touch This (if only they would e-mail us!) but after a miserable start to the season (0-3 and averaging 11 PPG) they've now ripped off two wins in a row against Practice Squad and... Spinelli's Plumbing?  Okay.  We'll keep an eye on these guys.

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for John "The Arm" Langley this week.

 

***

Here's a quote from our very own Power Rankings Committee two weeks ago: "We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below."

 

Well, it's two weeks later!  This is usually the cut-off in the season where most teams have actually played enough games for stats to have SOME meaning.  The average team has played 4.82 games so far (more than halfway through our season), and TMA has already played seven games somehow, so we're ready to actually start discussing trends.  Here's the same graph, but with more meaningful results:

 

 

So what have we learned from this?

 

Spinelli's Plumbing is still the highest scoring team in the League two weeks after they dominated our original chart, but their ridiculous lead over the next best team has dwindled from nearly 10 PPG to less than 1 PPG as Notorious BNB is right on their heels for best offense in the TSL.  Spinelli's and BNB are the only teams in the League scoring more than 40 PPG.

 

If 40+ PPG is the gold standard for great offenses, then 20 PPG or less should be considered the "gold standard" for terrible offenses.  And we've got several of them with TEN teams failing to average 20+ PPG.  We won't name them all (you can read a graph, right?) but TOX, Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers are currently battling it out for last place offensively.

 

The League is currently averaging 28.0 PPG, so if your team is scoring more than that, you're better than average.  The same works for defense by the way (which we haven't shown above), if your team is averaging giving up more than 28.0 PPG, you can throw a little blame on your defense.

 

D1 appears to be the most even division top to bottom with only 10.3 PPG separating the Sticky Bandits from Tight Ends in Motion (if you'd asked us pre-season for best and worst D1 offenses, we might have guessed it'd be these two teams but in the reverse order).  There's a lot more disparity in other divisions though:  D2-D5 all have more than 20 PPG separating the top from the bottom, and D6 is a story of two sub-divisions (three teams that can score, and three that cannot).

 

The teams leading their respective divisions in offense right now are a combined 21-8.  The teams that have the FEWEST points per game in their divisions right now are a combined 2-24-1.  Tough to win without a productive offense.

 

Untouchaballs are undefeated in D3 and they lead their division in scoring, which makes sense.  Vaspian are undefeated in D4 and they are 9th in their division in scoring, which makes... less sense.  

 

Nothing to do with the TSL of course, but the Bills' best two offensive seasons during their '90s run came in the years they got destroyed in the SuperBowl, and the years their offense wasn't as good were the years they almost won.  Go figure.

 

***

The Greatest Female Players in the TSL

 

Remember when we had all those championship statistics to support our "Greatest Teams of All Time" last week?  Yeah, we don't have ANY of that for what we're about to attempt.  Below are the greatest active female players in the TSL, as determined by our own panel of experts along with input from everyone that emailed us this week to weigh in.  We didn't take all of your suggestions (we don't even know who some of the girls we were emailed about are) but when you see the same names over and over again it's kind of obvious who the best really are.  It's also kind of obvious when we look at the names being submitted that we're going through an interesting transition period with females in the League, as many of the top names from years past have gotten pregnant, injured or simply retired since last season.  Robin Makula, Katie Salisbury, Emily Curry, Lindsay Stoddard, none of those girls are playing this session.  And holy shit, that was just the Tight Ends in Motion roster.  Damn, they were stacked.  Margo is gone, Taylor is a part timer / awesome ref, Val is pregnant, Maggie seems to be gone.  It's a whole new era for the TSL and time for new women to step up and fill some pretty big shoes.

 

So here's what we're looking for on our "Greatest Female Players" list:

  • Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best female players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
  • Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
  • They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned her, you won't see her name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

  • Brittany Clarke - Cunning Stunts
  • Ashton Fiegel - Practice Squad
  • Amanda Paolucci - Passed Our Prime
  • Emily Schilling - Frodo Swaggins, Cunning Stunts
  • Elena Schratz - Passed Our Prime
  • Jennifer Stachura - Come From Behind
  • Katie Swanson - Spinelli's Plumbing, Lenny's Ladies
  • Amy Taylor - The Notorious BNB
  • Jackie Ufholz - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Red Zone Mafia

 

And now... your top Twenty Female Players in the TSL:

 

#20: Mackenzie Neary - Eyes Downtown, Blitzkrieg

The only girl in our League to play both D1 and D6 (how good to you have to be in D6 for D1 teams to start recruiting you?) Mackenzie Neary has never dropped a pass in her TSL career.  No, that can't be true, but it feels like it sometimes.  She's also a really solid route runner.

 

#19: Talia Calabro - When Dove Cries, Freeballers

Remember when Talia was just the really fun party girl everyone loved?  Oh she's still that girl, but somewhere along the line she got like 50x better at football, and now she's ripping it up in D2 and D3.  If we had a "Most Improved Player" award, she'd be one of our finalists.

 

#18: Renee Lantz - Practice Squad, Cunning Stunts

Renee "Best Lantz" Lantz always seems to be diving for the ball on offense AND defense.  She must be fairly durable to be flying around so much and not break everything.  Renee plays like her hair is on fire and has great instincts and athleticism.  Every team would be improved with a Renee.

 

#17: Nicole Sharick - Sticky Bandits

Nicole Sharick is an elite pass rusher on defense and one of the fastest girls in the TSL once she reaches her top speed.  She's capable of turning a 5 yard out into a 20 yard run after catch, which makes her especially dangerous when teams try to cover her with another girl.

 

#16: Maddie Norton - Legends, Varsity Has Beens

The former Cobblestone star has emerged from Darryl's Hair's shadow (how many times did we hear "who is THAT girl and why isn't she playing in a higher division?") and is now making a name for herself on the best team in D1, as well as running her own team in D4.  Maddie's a baller.

 

#15: Kelly Liddle - Legends, Cunning Stunts

Oh of course Kelly Liddle was going to be on this list.  She's been playing for like twenty years (sorry Kelly!) but she doesn't look like she's even close to losing a step.  Combine brains with athleticism and speed (and sure, good looks) and this is what you get.  Always a terror to play against.

 

#14: Sam Lattuca - Red Zone Mafia

By far the TSL's all-time female leader in passing touchdowns, Sam has the arm to throw and the vision/decisiveness to always make the RIGHT throw.  Oh, she can do everything else too, tenacious defense, catch passes, whatever you need, but it's her passing abilities that truly separate her from the rest of the League.

 

#13: Cat Peters - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

This All We Do is Quinn legend has gone on to fame as part of the Scared Hitless three-headed dragon that every D2 opponent cries about after they lose.  Cat is fast as hell and often ends up covered by another girl which is a recipe for disaster for that team.  And she's super nice too!

 

#12: Brandy Clarke - Cunning Stunts

If we're underrating one player on this entire list, we are confident it's Brandy Clarke.  She could play with any team in any division and immediately excel, but it's harder to stand out now that she's only on one team and surrounded by other Stunts talent at that.  She MIGHT be the single best defender in our Rankings too (see: #4 on this list for her only competition).  

 

#11: Rachel Parker - Sleezin Szn, Lenny's Ladies

Her teams are a combined 1-6 right now but don't blame that on Rachel Parker.  She's still a bad-ass who demands male coverage or she'll absolutely torch your team (and she'll probably torch it even covered by a guy).  Speed, route running and hands, she's the total package.

 

#10: Misty Himes - Zack Attack, Lenny's Ladies

There's speed and there's speed.  Looking at our Top Twenty here there's maybe ONE girl who's truly "faster" than Misty Himes?  It changes the way teams play defense when they have to account for speed like hers.  How does Zack Attack not average 40 PPG when they can just dump it off to Misty and watch her run?

 

#9: Laura Streeter - Sticky Bandits, Itches and Ohs

Laura Streeter is one of the most well-rounded players in the League.  Speed and hands on offense, aggressive and smart on defense, AND the stamina to go both ways all day for two teams.  She's a big part of why the Sticky Bandits are suddenly competitive in D1, and we're pretty sure she's at least 60% of the reason Itches and Ohs won D4 last session.

 

#8: Amber Hay - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Legends

If Talia doesn't win our fictional "Most Improved Player Award", it's because it went to Amber.  Remember when she wasn't THAT good a couple sessions ago?  Well she's picked up a few tricks since.  The speed was always there, but better hands and route running and defense and general play-making have made Amber a real asset to her teams.

 

#7: Cheryl Julicher - When Dove Cries

This is what we wrote last year: "Cheryl may go down as the GOAT whenever she retires (does she ride off into the sunset with Public Enemy?), and she has been the standard for years on what a top female can be in this League.  Her speed isn't elite, but she has great hands, she's tough as nails, gets open, and always makes the play that needs to be made."  All still true, except she's downgraded from Chris Cole to Topper at QB!

 

#6: Rachel Grampp - Eyes Downtown, Freeballers

Bobby's best weapon in D1 and Dylan's best weapon in D3, Rachel is just a great athlete and seems to thrive at everything on the football field.  With the game on the line and down by 8 points, she's the one her quarterbacks will be looking to for the big play.  

 

#5: Heather Cepuchowski - Legends

Heather is the highest ranked Public Enemy girl??  How about that.  She's really thriving this season on Legends and has been their best girl so far.  Heather always knows how to get open short or deep, and always seems to make a play on the ball.  There was a lot of debate about the ranking of the #6-#20 spots (and honorable mentions) but Heather (and the girl directly above her) made nearly everyone on our Committee's ballot in their Top Five.

 

#4: Jaimie Warren - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

Jaimie is elite in just about every aspect of the game (though we're not sure we've ever seen her rush the passer; presumably she'd be great at that too).  Route running and hands are A+ caliber and she's constantly nominated for "Best Defender" awards at our banquets for a reason.  Scared Hitless, we hope you know how lucky you are to have three of the top 13 girls in the League.

 

#3: Katie Keller - DILFS, 4th & Something

Now we get to the Top Three.  Every single one of our Committee members that submitted ballots had the exact same Top Three, though in slightly different orders.  In other words, no one ranked Katie Keller lower than 3rd best in the TSL.  She isn't the fastest girl in the League (we'll get to her next!) but her playmaking ability and instincts make the pride of the Keller clan (sorry Scotty) a threat on every play.  

 

#2: Caitlyn Mason - Buffalo Vice, Lenny's Ladies

Caitlyn is the fastest girl in the League.  Top speed and quickness are two different concepts we realize, but Caitlyn might be the best at both.  How many times have we seen her take routine catches and turn them into massive gains by juking around the entire defense?  It's almost unfair to the rest of us.  It's impossible to imagine another girl covering Caitlyn with any success.  Oh and she's great on defense too.

 

#1: Melanie Linsmair - Scared Hitless, Untouchaballs

Melanie Linsmair is the best female athlete in the TSL.  We ranked her third last year and said "you may not be aware of her yet.  You'll learn the name soon, we promise."  By now you must know who she is.  Teams KNOW the ball is coming to her and they still can't stop it.  Speed and toughness and hands and toughness (which we know we just said twice).  If you've played against her, you understand why she's #1.  She's also young and just seems to be getting started.  The future is bright.  

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Female Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("Amber is way too high!  Kelly is way too low!  How is Katie Swanson just an honorable mention?!") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on the next set of rankings!  Next week we'll be looking at the Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a male player that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  that random girl who caught a touchdown once on your team isn't in our Top Females list?  graphs remind you of how dumb you felt in high school?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 3 Rankings

Category: TSL QB Power Rankings
Created: Thursday, 05 May 2022 13:15
Published: Thursday, 05 May 2022 13:15
Written by Patrick McGovern
Hits: 160

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

We've expanded our coverage of the best passers in the League to a Top Twenty this week, so if you thought you JUST missed the cut with our Top Fifteen last week... well, we hope you aren't too disappointed when you didn't make the Top Twenty either.  Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 30-29 (Legends), beat Pucket All Stars 45-44 (Cunning Stunts)

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride... until now.  After a record 31 weeks in the Top Ten without cracking the #1 spot, the apocalypse is finally upon us: Joey Batts is the best quarterback in the TSL.  Undefeated in D1 with a two-game lead over every other team, undefeated in D4 with the Stunts... is there anything (besides humility) that Joey can't do?  Critics will point out he's still the lowest scoring QB in the top division, which is true.  But at some point winning has to matter, and a combined 6-0 start is impossible to ignore.

 

#2 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 30-29

Whatever you thought of the "Mike vs Joey" debate last week, you probably haven't changed your mind this week.  If you thought Thomas deserved to be #1 last week for being the highest scoring QB in D1, well, he still is, by a good amount (there's a graph at the end of this article if you want a visual).  And if you thought Thomas didn't deserve to be #1 because he couldn't beat Legends, well, he didn't, falling one play short of what most would have considered an upset win.

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 36-34

The "losing streak" (if two games can be considered a streak) is over for Eyes Downtown as Bobby led the team to their first win of the young season over a skeleton crew of Tight Ends in Motion players.  Rumors of frustration within the team had been heard throughout the League but hopefully a W puts Eyes Downtown back on track as D1 begins their next lap around the tiny division's schedule.  

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat the Notorious BNB 41-28

There were two undefeated teams in D2 coming into this week, and now there is one.  Dylan Day, who we left out of our Top Ten entirely the first week of this season, is not the highest scoring QB in his division, but he's not far off either.  Remember when we didn't think these guys would beat All We Do is Qwinn a couple sessions ago?  They're beating everyone now.  If they ever find another Jaimie Warren cousin to throw out there, we might as well just hand them the D2 title.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 41-28

The Notorious BNB have played two of the top teams in their division to start the season, beating Passed Our Prime and losing to Scared Hitless.  They're second in the D2 standings, but their point differential of +3 is only fifth in their division right now.  Buchlis is putting up the points we would expect, but he's not getting much help from his defense this season (definitely Dave Baker's fault).  

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game this week for Hogan outside of Breakfast Club.  Passed Our Prime currently leads D2 in scoring at 39.0 PPG.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Seth is easily the most talented quarterback to have not won a game yet this season.  What's that saying, "the most important ability is availability"?  TEIM and Vice need their QB to show up!

 

#8 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for DILFS this week.  How many people on DILFS are actually dads anyway?  And are we even sure we know what DILFS stands for?  Is it possible it's just short for "Dirty Interdimensional Lightning Falcons"?

 

#9 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Frodo Swaggins 35-28, beat Sleezin Szn 38-25

Untouchaballs are undefeated and the highest scoring team in D3.  Who else did you think was going to be the highest ranked QB in the division? (Okay, Seth doesn't count.)  This week will be the big showdown against also undefeated 4th & Something.  If Burr can lead the 'Balls (is anyone calling them that?) to a win, the race for the #1 seed might be all but locked up, as the combined record of the opponents they'll have left to face this season is just 1-5. 

 

#10 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Beat Itches & Ohs 49-32

49 points and a return to the Top Ten.  Not a bad week for Scotty Dro.  4th & Dong was a 7th place team last session, so why is 4th & Something so much better?  Is a "something" better than a dong??  We miss the days when Scotty would send us emails explaining his greatness to us.  Why has he not written for our website yet?

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to When Dove Cries 30-13 (Bullet Club); did not play for Freeballers

Dylan Jaloza was missing many of his weapons on Bullet Club this past week and dropped a game to When Dove Cries.  We tend to blame the team instead of the quarterback in this case: Going back to the start of 2021 (pre-Dylan), Bullet Club is 3-18 in the regular season, and might want to think about a drop to D3 next session if they can't get more consistency with attendance.

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 35-28, lost to Itches & Ohs 42-41

If you're looking for an exciting game to watch next week, it seems like every Frodo Swaggins game this year comes down to the bitter end.  Garrett Beesing has Swaggins sitting at 2-2 right now with a +0 point differential on the season... and they would be 4-0 if they could just play some defense at some point.  Tough to win when you've given up 35, 42 and 43 points in your last three games.

 

#13 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Grey Hair has the week off, and continues to wait for their first W of the 2022 Spring season.

 

#14 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Lost to 4th & Something 49-32, beat Frodo Swaggins 42-41

The masked ninja went 1-1 in his doubleheader on Saturday, beating Frodo Swaggins by a point and losing to 4th & Something by 17.  It's the same story as last season: Itches seems to about break even on point differential, both scoring and giving up huge amounts of points every game (the "Passed Our Prime" of D3 you might say).

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for Spinelli's Plumbing this week, but it's the first time we've included Nick in our rankings this season so we should point out he is throwing for THE highest scoring team in the League at 54.0 PPG, a mile ahead of the next best team.  Also worth noting: the QBs of the only other two teams that are scoring more than 40 PPG (see our graph below) are currently #1 and #2 in our Power Rankings.  Doesn't seem fair that Nick is only #15, right?

 

#16 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Newman at the fields this week.  You can copy and paste Seth Molisani's blurb from above and it basically works for Newman too.

 

#17 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Can't Touch This 22-6

Remember when everyone on Practice Squad was injured last season and they were terrible?  Yeah, we barely remember that either.  B has the Squad off to a 3-0 start, and THIS is the type of team we expect out of these guys.  It looks like there will be four teams that are a cut above the rest in D4, and none of them have played each other yet.  Bound to happen soon, and that'll separate the contenders from the pretenders.

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Cunning Stunts 45-44

93% of other teams that have scored 44 points in a game this season have won that game.  On Saturday, Puckett did not.  In fact they've lost their last two games by a total of three points, which must be heartbreaking.  They'll make the playoffs (TJ and company are too good not to, even in a division with 12 teams) but they won't go very far if they can't close out the big games.

 

#19 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 42-20

Cunning Stunts and Spinelli's are scoring tons of points right now, but the next best offense in this division currently belongs to XMD.  Jeff Jenkins has won a million games in this league before with DMX... and now he has one with XMD.  Today's Feast isn't exactly the strongest signature win, but hey, you've got to start somewhere.

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat TMA 30-22, beat Come From Behind 40-6

Last session Darryl had a D5 roster masquerading as a D3 team, and this session he has a D3 roster masquerading as a D5 team.  No surprise, he seems to be having a lot more fun this session.  Cobblestone is STACKED with talent and they're the only remaining undefeated team in their division.  It's been a while since we've seen these guys in a championship game... feels like this is the season it happens.  

 

***

We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below.

 

 

***

Just a reminder that our Non-QB rankings start NEXT WEEK with the "Best Teams of All-Time in the League".  Did Titsburgh Feelers make the cut?  Probably not!

If you have any feedback on the categories below, especially this week's, shoot us an email and let us know.  If you do it before the rankings come out, maybe we'll listen to your advice.  Or you can just complain on Facebook when you don't like how our staff ranked you, your call!

  • May 12: Best Teams All-Time in the League
  • May 19: Best Female Players in the League
  • May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
  • June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
  • June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you're already fuming at your team's exclusion from next week's Best Teams of All Time list?  you want us to rank something else like Best Looking Female Players or Biggest Loudmouths?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..    Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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