Week 8 Rankings

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Thursday, 09 June 2022 17:54

Published: Thursday, 09 June 2022 17:54

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1973

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

This week we have the following for you:

• The second-to-last QB Rankings of the season, since we don't update these throughout playoffs.  At this point we're eight weeks into a nine-week season, so you sort of "are who you are" at this point.  You thought you'd be better eight weeks ago, right?  We're sorry it didn't work out for you.
• One more "best offense" graph for you, along with a short comparison of scoring by division.
• A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT on a future TSL institution that's starting up this December.

 

But first... here are your QB Rankings for the week.  Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Grey Hair - Don't Care 53-37 (D2 Crossover)

The #1 QB in our Power Rankings is now the #1 highest scoring quarterback in the TSL at 39.4 PPG.  Eyes Downtown started the season 0-2, and hasn't lost a game since.  Remember when we thought their season was over and mutiny was brewing?  Yeah, we don't know shit.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 49-19 (D2 Crossover game, Legends), beat Spinelli's Plumbing 45-40 (Cunning Stunts)

"Imagine if Legends had a real QB!" says every Joey Batts hater. They're eighth in the entire TSL in scoring... and one of the seven teams above them is Cunning Stunts.  Joey is ONE good day away from locking up the #1 seeds in both D1 and D4.  You can relax, he's doing just fine.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for Sticky Bandits this week as Mike relaxes on a beach somewhere (probably).

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 35-31

A D2 team has finally won a Crossover game against a D1 team!  Of COURSE it was Scared Hitless.  They were the only team unlucky enough to get two D1 Crossover games on their schedule this season (an unfortunate side effect of having a division with an odd number of teams) but instead of complaining about their unfair schedule they just went out and kicked ass, beating Tight Ends this week (and nearly winning their first Crossover game a few weeks back too).  Dylan... you're ready for D1.  But try to win D2 first.

 

#5 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 45-21

If anyone is going to stand in the way of Scared Hitless taking the D2 championship, it's DILFS.  Their only three losses this year have been to Scared Hitless way back in April, a D1 crossover game they almost won, and the infamous "should Garbacz have counted down the end of the game" loss to Grey Hair - Don't Care.  Oh and Dubey is actually the highest scoring quarterback in D2 right now at 33.4 PPG.  If DILFS win the championship this season, Travis will have won three of the last five D2 titles.  

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Hogan had to miss the Passed Our Prime game this week due to a combination of COVID and a paralyzing fear of facing Joey Batts.

 

#7 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Sleezin Szn 42-25

Untouchaballs just keep scoring and keep winning, and those are KIND of our only criteria for QB Power Ranking outside of "what division do you play in?".  Burr is tied for second in the TSL in scoring at 38.6 PPG, which means that Eyes Downtown now has both the #1 and #2 highest scoring QBs on its roster. That's kind of cool for them (and a bummer for the rest of us).   

 

#8 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 45-21

Notorious BNB have now lost their last three games by 27, 34 and 24 points.  Now, two of those games were against DILFS and the other was a D1 Crossover game, but still a tough stretch of football for Buchlis and team.  They have a doubleheader to end the regular season against When Dove Cries and Scared Hitless, so they could finish anywhere from 2nd to 6th in their division based on how Saturday goes.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 53-37 (D1 Crossover)

Scoring 37 points against the hottest team in the League is nothing to hang your head about.  Grey Hair - Don't Care lost the game, but their momentum is pretty strong going into the last week of our regular season.  They've won four in a row against their own division, and let's just ASSUME they beat Bullet Club to make it five in a row this week.

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Garrett may not have won a game on Saturday, but he's a winner in our books for generously buying shots for all the TSL refs in his absence on Lenny and Rameer Day.  Garrett really ought to win TSL Man of the Year every year (or whatever the equivalent award is that we give out... most dedicated male?)

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to When Dove Cries 38-26 (Bullet Club), lost to Show Me Dem TDs 22-20, beat Buffalo Vice 34-21 (Freeballers)

So Freeballers is the only team that can beat #1 seeded Untouchaballs... and yet they've lost to both of D3's lowest seeded teams, Show Me Dem TD's and Sleezin Szn?  We're not sure if this is a statement about the parity of D3 ("anyone can beat anyone on a given day!") or if it's a statement about the inconsistency of Freeballers.  Oh, and Bullet Club lost again.  That team is not helping Dylan's Power Ranking this year.

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Itches and Ohs 45-41

Last week we said "this week's Itches and Ohs game will be a big sign of whether these guys are ready to sack up and rediscover their mojo, or if they're just in freefall for the rest of the season."  4th & Something has chosen freefall.  The offense is still great, but they've given up 37, 46, 47, 38 and 45 points in their last five games.  We're not saying they won't win another game... but we are saying they're not going to win three in a row in late June to win a championship.

 

#13 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Did Not Play (forfeit win)

Forfeit wins are still wins.  XMD fears B.

 

#14 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 35-31 (D2 Crossover, Tight Ends in Motion), lost to Freeballers 34-21 (Buffalo Vice)

A week after earning his first Tight Ends in Motion win of the year in a D2 crossover game vs DILFS, Seth earns the first D1 loss of the year in another Crossover game against D2's Scared Hitless.  Scoring 31 points isn't too bad though, so unless Scared Hitless was scoring on pick-six after pick-six, Seth's defense certainly owns a share of this L.  Buffalo Vice also lost to drop to 3-5 on the season.  Tough day.

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Cunning Stunts 45-40

Teams that score 40+ points ought to win games... unless they're playing against Cunning Stunts apparently, who have allowed 40+ points three times this season and are 2-1 in those games.  Spinelli's is 4-4 in their first season in D4 (second in their division in point differential at +59) and if our math is correct we THINK they've already clinched a playoff spot since they own a tiebreaker over XMD.  D4 playoffs will be a LOT harder than D5 was last session, so Spinelli's needs to find another gear if they don't want to be just another first round playoff exit.

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 45-41, lost to Sleezin Szn 22-8

Itches had a great showing against 4th & Something putting up 45 points in a win... and a less great showing against Sleezin Szn, putting up 8 points in a loss.  Last season we talked about how these guys put up mediocre regular season stats and then they won a D4 championship regardless, so maybe we SHOULDN'T bet against them in the playoffs.  But that's exactly what we're going to do.

 

#17 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Untouchaballs 42-25, beat Itches and Ohs 22-8

The Szn of Sleezin is here, as Newman leads his team to its second win in the last two weeks.  Yes, they've also lost games each of the last two weeks, but when you start the season 0-4 a couple of 1-1 weeks don't sound so bad.  Three of Sleezin's losses this Szn have come by a combined 4 points, so this is a team that could easily be 5-3 right now with a little more luck.  Don't count them out for a playoff run just yet.  

 

#18 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Can't Touch This 37-33

The Falcons started the season slowly but they've now won three in a row (which we're expecting will be four next week if playoff-eliminated XMD has already mentally checked out for the season) and Miano has to feel good about his momentum right now for playoffs.  Sure, they're still -2 in point differential on the season, but winning builds confidence and the ILFers have to be feeling it now.

 

#19 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Lost to Varsity Has Beens 32-26

Regular season doesn't mean shit to these guys as they chase their record-tying fifth TSL championship rings.  Loss to 1-5 Varsity Has Beens?  Who cares?  This loss won't even be remembered when they're blowing out some team 52-17 on the way to the D4 Finals.

 

#20 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 38-26

Patrick "the Logo" McGovern won his first game of the season after being a combined 0-7ish between Breakfast Club and When Dove Cries.  That's good news for all of us, as Topper had (probably) planned to shut down the entire League after this session if he couldn't personally experience the joy of a single win himself.  He's very selfish like that.  We're not ready to name When Dove Cries playoff favorites JUST yet, but we hear Scared Hitless and DILFS are quietly making plans to "Tonya Harding" our League icon before his Comeback Player of the Year season REALLY takes off.   

 

#21 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Lost to Red Zone Mafia 34-14

Wasn't Cobblestone undefeated with Darryl under center?? All good things must come to an end it seems as they got crushed by Red Zone Mafia this week.  Cobblestone was in the driver's seat for the #1 seed in D5 all season, and now they're at risk of falling to 5th place in the standings if the worst-case scenario should happen this coming Saturday.  Darryl's been an underdog before, he can handle that role.  

 

#22 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Southside 33-29

Maybe we don't crown these guys D6 champions quite yet.  Sure, they're still winning games (seven in a row, longest streak in the TSL) but for the third time this season Travis Henry's Kids won by a single score.  What happens in the playoffs when nerves enter the picture and John isn't winning by 15 at halftime?  Anything can happen...

 

#23 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Not So Sticky 41-23, beat Cobblestone 34-14

Red Zone Mafia won their doubleheader by a combined 75-37 score in an absolutely dominant day that pushed Blake and his teammates from just over .500 to second place in the D5 standings.  Red Zone Mafia are just behind TMA for best point differential per game in D5, and if they have their full team for playoffs they might be considered the favorites.

 

#24 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play (forfeit loss)

"DMX" never would have lost a playoff spot via forfeit.

 

#25 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 37-15, beat Freeballers 22-20

Show Me Dem TDs is definitely showing life late in the season with their first "quality" win of the season (minor disrespect intended to Sleezin Szn who, in our defense, were winless going into the week that Andy played them).  Of course losing to a Garrett-less Frodo Swaggins on the same day isn't great.  This feels more like a team to keep an eye on next season, rather than one we expect to compete this season.

 

#26 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Lost to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 37-33

The four-game winning streak is over as Can't Touch This finally lost a game to Interdimensional Lightning Falcons on Saturday.  "These guys figured out the co-ed touch game, and now they're going to be unstoppable" was too convenient of a narrative.  Everyone wins and loses games.  Can't Touch This will have to scrap and claw their way to a championship just like everyone else. 

 

#27 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 47-15

This is what we've been waiting for!  Zack Attack have been competitive ALL season, but they've mostly been carried by their "third best in the TSL" defense.  Saturday's beatdown of Today's Feast was their first game scoring over 24 points since April 23rd.  The offense came to life, the defense STILL played well, and this is what Zack Attack's potential should look like.

 

#28 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to TOX 27-14

Vaspian started the season 5-0 and they are 0-3 since, averaging 14 points per game throughout their losing streak.  They are second best in the TSL in defense, and fourth WORST in the TSL for offense.  This was all fine when they were winning, but they have GOT to find another gear on offense if they want to escape the first round of playoffs.  

 

#29 Jeff Easton - Tater Tots

Last Week:  Beat 716 44-14

The Tater Tots have gone through so many QBs this season it's been tough to get a handle on how good they are as a team.  With just a week left in the regular season though they're 5-2 in the standings AND they boast the fourth best defense in the League.  If only they had a consistently great QB on their roster... and that's where former Bullet Club ace Jeff Easton comes in.  The Tots have beaten two GOOD teams with Easton under center the past couple weeks (716 and Red Zone Mafia).  Easton might just be the missing piece here to get the Tots into the D5 championship game this session.

 

#30 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Lost to Tater Tots 44-14

A 30-point loss is never fun, but what's even worse is the way the 716 offense is trending lately.  They've scored only 22, 19, 15 and 14 points in their last four games, in that order.  They're also 2-2 over that stretch so the defense has been bailing them out a bit, but what happened to the team that averaged 45 PPG over a three-game stretch earlier this season?  Derek needs to re-discover THAT offense in time for playoffs.  

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

 

Here's the same offensive "points per game" graph you've seen a half dozen times before, but with all the divisions combined into one "best to worst" view so you can see how bad you are against OTHER divisions, not just your own!

 

 

Curious how each division's scoring compares against each other?  So were we:

 

 

Looks like D1 is where our highest scoring games are being played this session by a pretty wide lead, followed by D3, D2 and D4 (which are nearly the same), D6, and lastly D5 which is dominated by good defenses (or sloppy offenses, take your pick).

 

We don't put TOO much stock in "points per game" as the biggest factor in our QB Rankings, but going back to that first graph above, it's worth noting that if Cunning Stunts had scored ONE more point so far this season, then the quarterbacks of our three highest scoring teams this season would ALSO be our Top Three QBs in the Power Rankings in that exact order.  This is more of a coincidence than anything we had planned, but to anyone who says "your QB rankings are way off"... well, least at the TOP of the Rankings, the math says we're actually spot on! 

 

If we HAD to bet on who will finish the season #1 in scoring, we'd say The Untouchaballs have the inside track.  Let's assume only teams currently scoring over 37 PPG have a realistic chance at this... what do our matchups for the last week of the season look like?

• Eyes Downtown starts the day with a 6-point lead, but they play Legends who are by far the best defense in D1.
• Sticky Bandits play Tight Ends in Motion, a team they scored only 20 points against in their last matchup.
• The Untouchaballs play Frodo Swaggins, a team that has given up 40+ points on defense three times this session.
• Cunning Stunts play Varsity Has Beens (they'll score 40+ here) and then Zack Attack (who are allowing less than 20 PPG, and historically have done well against the Stunts).  
• Travis Henry's Kids are probably done for the season with both teams agreeing to a "rain-out reschedule tie" so their scoring average will end at 37.3 PPG.
• Spinelli's Plumbing will play Practice Squad, the 8th best defense in the TSL and best team in their division.

It's got to be Untouchaballs here, right?  Although don't count out Two Tuddies, who need only 204 points against Tater Tots this week to catch up to Eyes Downtown!

 

***

 

The TSL Hall of Fame

 

Earlier this season when we were debating what kind of topics would be fun to rank (male non-QBs, female players, division all-stars, best teams of all time...) we thought it would be a great idea to rank future TSL "Hall of Famers".  Of course, we don't have an actual Hall of Fame, so this was just a theoretical exercise to debate who would be the most worthy inductees.  But then the more we started talking about it, the more we realized, damn... there SHOULD be an real TSL Hall of Fame!

 

So, after conferring with the boss man, here is the plan: we're going to make an actual TSL Hall of Fame.  No, Topper probably isn't going to purchase land in Cooperstown (or Lancaster) and construct an actual building for this, but we DO plan to add a "TSL Hall of Fame" section to the website and induct actual TSL legends past and present every year.  We're still working out all the details, but the current goal is to announce these Hall of Fame Inductees at the Banquet every winter.  Hall of Fame classes will be small and exclusive (three to five inductees per year) and they'll cover the full end of the spectrum: our best athletes, our best bar legends, anyone who has significantly contributed to the history of our great League.  Seems like a great way to honor people that have made huge contributions to this League that is so important to so many of us.

 

Now that we know that this is really happening, it doesn't make sense for us to "rank" Hall of Famers in this week's article.  The TSL QB Power Ranking Committee has no idea who the first Hall of Fame class will be, and we don't want to give the impression that OUR choices are first in line for the honor.  Really, how are WE qualified to do this?  We can't even get your quarterback rankings right!  So instead of us throwing out a bunch of ideas here, we'll ask the following instead: if you have an idea who should be enshrined in a TSL Hall of Fame, please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  We aren't going to take MOST of your suggestions, at least not in Year One, but will give us a sense of "we HAVE to include this man/woman" if they keep coming up in multiple emails.

 

We look forward to hearing from you!

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher? you want us to spend more time calling out teams at the BOTTOM of our charts on how bad they are? you don't plan on emailing us your Hall of Fame ideas but you're already mad about us not including you?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 6 Rankings

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Thursday, 26 May 2022 15:06

Published: Thursday, 26 May 2022 15:06

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1525

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL, and this week we'll take a similar look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  If you thought you hated our rankings of the ladies, wait til you see how badly we screwed up this one!  We also have a new "Team Defense" graph if you want to see how you're doing compared to other teams, and our usual QB ranking write-ups as well.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 28-16

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Lost to Sticky Bandits 35-34 (Legends), beat XMD 50-20, lost to Practice Squad 45-25 (Stunts)

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Legends 35-34

The three quarterbacks at the top of our Power Rankings get one combined write-up this week since the difference between them is virtually nothing right now.  There are three teams in D1 that have gone 1-1 against each other after two laps through that small division, and every QB listed above has now beaten every other QB above.  Since we don't do "ties" in our Power Rankings (our millions of readers deserve better than a cop-out like that!) here's how we ranked them: 

• Bobby may be second in D1 scoring at 35.5 PPG, but he's also on a four-game winning streak.  No other D1 team is on a two-game winning streak.  This is the team you wouldn't want to play tomorrow.  Bobby is #1 in the Power Rankings.
• Joey Batts is last among these three in D1 scoring at 32.3 PPG, and he's lost two of his last three games with Legends after a 3-0 start.  BUT he's also the quarterback of Cunning Stunts (third in the TSL at 37.5 PPG) and he has an advantage over Mike Thomas by winning both of his games against Tight Ends in Motion (one of which Mike lost) so he has the better overall win-loss record.  Joey is #2 in the Power Rankings.
• Mike Thomas is actually first in D1 in scoring at 37.2 PPG, and if you're wondering if the Bandits are padding their stats by playing the League's only crossover game so far, the answer is nope, they scored only 33 against Scared Hitless... which means their "D1 games" scoring average is even better at 38.0 PPG.  But Mike lost to TEIM and Bobby/Joey didn't, so that's why Mike is #3.

Up to this point in the season each teams' schedule has been more or less the same, as they've each played each other twice and the Sticky Bandits have played one D2 crossover game.  It's about to get a little wacky though as the next two weeks are exclusively D1 vs D2 Crossover games, which means the stats could shift drastically with either blow-out wins or an upset loss.  Before that happens, let's take a moment to appreciate the parity in the TSL's top division (if you're into that sort of thing).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Lost to DILFS 41-14

The Notorious BNB had their first awful game of the season on Saturday and got killed by the DILFS.  It happens.  They put up only 14 points and they're STILL the highest scoring team in D2 at 35.8 PPG (7th best in the TSL).  It was a bad day, but we still expect them to be in the D2 championship mix in a few weeks' time.  

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Is it just us or do the fields feel a little more quiet when Hogan's not out there?

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 42-20

Scared Hitless resumed their winning ways with a 42-point beatdown of Team Topper on Saturday.  Dylan is 5-1 against his division but only fourth in scoring behind BNB, Passed Our Prime and DILFS.  It helps to have the number one defense in your division (Crossover game excluded).  

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 41-14

Some days it's a real struggle and you have to rally the troops and dig deep to pull out the W.  Saturday was not one of those days for DILFS.  Their defense gave Dubey great field position all day and he took advantage.  DILFS are now 4-2 but one of those losses came when Dubey was missing, and we bet if he were there a couple weeks ago he would have gotten that last snap off in time against Grey Hair - Don't Care...

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Lost to Freeballers 42-34

There are no more undefeated teams in the TSL this season as Burr scored 34 for Untouchaballs in a losing effort against Freeballers.  It seems more and more likely that these two teams are destined to meet in the D3 championship game, as they're the only two teams in that division with both winning records AND a positive point differential.  

 

#9 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Beat Untouchaballs 42-34 (Freeballers)

The Jewish Prince slayed a giant this week leading Freeballers over previously undefeated Untouchaballs.  If the Freeballers win out, they'll be the #1 seed in D3 for playoffs.  We wonder who would win a game between Freeballers and Bullet Club right now with Dylan playing all-time QB?

 

#10 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Number ten in our QB rankings, maybe number... five in our ref rankings?

 

#11 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Did Garrett ever end up getting that TSL tattoo, or did we not raise enough money?  Remind us how that story ended...?

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Beat Sleezin Szn 47-46, lost to Freeballers 47-0

What the absolute fuck happened here?  How do you score 47 in one game (winning by a single point) and then score 0 in the next (losing by 47)?  Say what you will about the inconsistency of the QB made famous for "throwing picks and sexting dicks" but at least their defense was consistent... consistently bad, giving up 46 and 47 in consecutive games.  

 

#13 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 28-16 (TEIM), beat Show Me Dem TDs 41-15 (Buffalo Vice)

It feels like we're evaluating two entirely different guys every week with Seth.  TEIM is averaging 17.8 PPG in games Seth has started (all losses), while Buffalo Vice is on a three-game winning streak during which they're averaging 39.7 PPG.  Our Committee is split on how to reconcile those two facts, with some of us wanting him higher and some of us wanting him lower.  #13 is the compromise here.

 

#14 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Cunning Stunts 45-25

In the words of Scotty Dro, "B is a winner and winners win.  Tbh idk how he's ranked so low.  It's 2022, leave your prejudices in the past you piece of shit".  Can't argue with that!  A 20-point win over the Stunts has Practice Squad tied for first place with Vaspian.  In a division with six 3-3 teams scratching and clawing to make playoffs, B's leadership has Practice Squad a step above the rest.

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 30-23

Spinelli's scored a combined 108 points in their first two starts as we anointed them the darlings of D4.  They've scored a combined 52 points in their last two starts, both losses.  The new jerseys look incredible, but they were dominating in black.  Time to rack up some wins in the new colors Nick.  

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

It seems like there hasn't been a good Moser controversy this season yet.  It's coming, right?

 

#17 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 30-23

Puckett has recovered nicely from their three-game losing streak to drop back to back W's against Zack Attack and Spinelli's Plumbing.  This is what they do, right?  Underperform all regular season, then turn into world beaters for playoffs?  The formula seems to work for them. 

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to 4th & Something 47-46

Sleezin Szn can't seem to win a game despite scoring an obscene amount of points this week.  This is their second 40+ scoring game that they've lost already, and we wouldn't be shocked to see another high scoring loss to Freeballers again next week.  Look, these guys are WAY too good to go winless.  They ALSO play Show Me Dem TDs next week, and if that isn't a guaranteed win, we don't know what is.

 

#19 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Beat TOX 26-14, lost to Cunning Stunts 50-20

Allegedly Jeff missed the Stunts massacre, and then showed up to beat TOX in their second game of the day.  XMD is the lowest 3-3 team in our standings (we will never understand website tie-breakers) and if the playoffs started today, they'd be on the outside looking in.  We'd bet a bucket of High Noons that they make the Big Dance in the end.

 

#20 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 42-20

Well look who finally decided to show up.  After skipping half the season with an injury, Topper has now tested out that ancient arm of his and decided to give it a go.  The results have not been what you'd call "great" as When Dove Cries has gone 0-2 with their QB1 under center.  We still think he's the 20th best QB in the League right now though, rust and all.

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat Varsity Has Beens 36-33

How many of these 3-3 teams in D4 are we going to have to cover?? Seems like an endless string of middle-of-the-pack contenders in this division.  What do the stats say about ILF, let's see... well, they're 7th in their division in scoring and 8th in their division in defense.  Also, of the six .500 teams in this division, the Falcons are the only team with a negative point differential, which doesn't bode well for future success.

 

#22 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Not So Sticky 24-0

Darryl was missing half his team on Saturday and still could have won by 50 if he wanted.  Cobblestone is alone in first place in D5 right now with a 6-1 record and OH BY THE WAY they also have the second-best defense in the entire TSL, allowing only 17.3 PPG.  This is your time, Cobblestone, you've waited long enough for a championship.

 

#23 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Southside 65-14

Speaking of teams that could have won by 50 if they wanted, this team DID win by 50 on Saturday and could have made it much worse.  Travis Henry's Kids just annihilated Southside in every way possible on Saturday.  They're the class of D6 right now and they're ready to move on and show that they can win D5 next season also.  Langley cannot be stopped.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 43-12

Can't Touch This scored 33 total points in their first three games, all losses.  They've scored 110 in their last three games, all wins.  It takes some time for new teams to figure out how to win.  Looks like Ryan Dougherty got there in about three games.  This team is certainly trending up and ready to break away from the rest of the pack in the middle of the D4 standings.

 

#25 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Lost to Tater Tots 25-20, lost to 716 19-6

This was not a great week for Red Zone Mafia, losing both games of a doubleheader and scoring only 26 total points in the process.  Sounds ugly.  We're just assuming they were missing people, because this looks nothing like the Red Zone Mafia that we'd seen in previous weeks.  One bad week is okay, two bad weeks is a trend, so we'll see what kind of team shows up against top ranked Cobblestone next week.

 

#26 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to Zack Attack 18-12

Vaspian finally suffered their first loss of the season, though they're still in first place in their division.  Every week we wonder if Brian is too low in the QB Rankings, but their offense is 37th in the TSL and their defense is 1st at an amazingly low 16.3 PPG.  Defense is carrying this team today, but Brian is plenty good enough to give them a boost in the playoffs.

 

#27 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 18-12

Zack Attack won the defensive battle of the season last week against Vaspian to move to 3-3 on the season.  They're the third best defense in the TSL at 17.3 PPG allowed but their points for is only 18.3 PPG, so a pretty narrow margin to work with every week.  If Zack Attack can get something going on offense (suggestion: more throws to Misty) they could really make some noise in the playoffs.

 

#28 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Beat Red Zone Mafia 19-6, lost to TMA 28-22

We have shamefully neglected Derek Pew in our QB Rankings so far this season despite the fact that 716 is leading D5 in scoring at 32.7 PPG.  Sorry Derek!  716 also leads their division in point differential at +15.0 PPG, so we should be giving them a little more credit all around as championship contenders too...

 

#29 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 41-15

Andy Clark has a cannon for an arm and he has played some great football in the TSL in the past.  Having said that, it hasn't translated into much so far THIS season for Show Me Dem TDs, who are averaging 16.0 PPG (last in their division by a mile).  In fact, they could score 75 points in their next game and STILL be last in D3 scoring.  Since we've seen Andy light it up in the past, we have to assume it's his receivers' fault.  Get it together, TDs!

 

#30 Kyle Sims - Today's Feast

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 43-12

We don't know a lot about Kyle Sims.  This is what happens when teams don't write to us to tell us about their QBs.  But we hear he's the quarterback for Today's Feast, who are doing much better this season than last.  Sure, they're only 2-4, but D4 is a tight division and they're still very much in contention to make playoffs.  Kyle has more points per game than four other QBs ranked ahead of him on this chart, so their win-loss record is probably more on their defense (10th in D4) than their offense.  

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

We're clearly pretty fond of this colorized "points scored per game" graphic we've shown a couple times already this season, so we're going to give you the same (updated) graph this week.  BUT we'll also show you a "points against per game" graph this week so you can see how bad your defense is too.  No, we didn't include the Buffalo Bills SuperBowl seasons in the defense graph... listen, these "Male Receivers" type rankings we're about to get to take up a lot of our time, and Topper doesn't give us the interns we need to get all this done each week by Thursday.  You're lucky you're getting any of these graphs honestly.

 

 

 

Why does your team's defense look so bad?  Have you tried batting away the other team's passes?

 

***

The Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL

 

Oh boy.  If last week's Greatest Female Players rankings were any indication, it seems like no one is ever happy with their ranking (unless they're #1...  Hi Melanie!).  We expect more of the same from this week's Greatest Male Players rankings.  We'll try to recognize you by pointing out how great you are (that is the point of this segment after all), you'll complain we didn't recognize you ENOUGH by ranking you ahead of everyone else, and then you'll bitch about how we don't know what we're talking about, how this is all just a popularity contest and biased against you because blah blah blah.  Oh, and you probably didn't even respond to our numerous requests to send in your votes and let your voice be heard, did you?  You had your chance.  We're sorry your peers don't think you're as good as you do.  Just keep in mind when you're whining to your friends and teammates about your rank, they're probably thinking "at least he GOT ranked, why does no one ever notice me?".

 

With that said, here's a reminder of what we're looking for on our "Greatest Male Players (Non-QB)" list:

• Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best male players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
• Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
• They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.
• If you happen to add versatility as your team's backup QB, that's truly helpful for your team and they're lucky to have that from you.  But it doesn't factor into our rankings.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned him, you won't see his name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

• Nick Angelo - Eyes Downtown
• Anthony Bargnessi - Sleezin Szn
• Anthony Deak - Bullet Club
• Adam Dimillo - Can't Touch This
• Dan Gonzalez - Buffalo Vice
• Paul Johnson - Bullet Club
• Andrew Kicak - Sticky Bandits, Interdimensional Lightning Falcons
• Leseaon Washington - Cobblestone
• Jake Valley - Freeballers
• Nick Wendt - Tight Ends in Motion

 

And now... your top Twenty Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL (actually 21 because we had a tie in our voting for the last spot):

 

T - #20: Pete Walbrandt - Travis Henry's Kids

"Nobody knows about Pete because he plays in D6!"  That was probably true once, but not anymore.  Pete is a D1 talent playing for Travis Henry's Kids, and he's John Langley's go-to guy.  Just a fantastic athlete with the speed and athleticism to shine on both sides of the ball.  THK will be winning championships soon and if you haven't had your ass kicked by Pete Walbrandt yet, just wait, because it's coming.

 

T - #20: George Lombardo - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Freeballers

George is a natural athlete and a tremendously versatile player that can do whatever his team asks of him.  He is the perfect combination of size, speed and playmaking ability, and he'll rip a contested ball out of the other team's hands on one play and then make a one-handed touchdown catch on the next.

 

#19: Matt Helm - The Untouchaballs

Matt is the Untouchaballs top option, and a big part of the reason Jeremy Burr looks halfway decent out there.  When Burr gets in trouble and he needs a play, Matt is usually the look.  It’s no surprise that Untouchaballs seem to struggle when he is out of the lineup like he was last year in the playoffs.

 

#18: Mike Rawdin - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Mike has grown from a young D5 player into one of the better two-way athletes in the league. He holds himself to a very high standard and works hard every year to better himself, morphing from "just an athlete" to an instinctive and intelligent player.  He doesn’t just play the game, he understands the game, and he puts his body on the line to make the difficult catch.  Rawdog wants the ball in his hands when the game is on the line, and routinely delivers.

 

#17: Ron Webber - TMA

Ron is one of the most underrated players in the league that people who play in higher divisions don't know about (yet).  The newest D6 Champ, Ron Webber is TMA's go-to player.  When they need a play or a touchdown on sixth down, Ron is usually the guy.  When he drops a ball, the team goes quiet in disbelief (which doesn’t happen often).  Mr. Reliable is constantly open and constantly making plays.  Something every team needs.

 

#16: Travis Cleavenger - Legends, DILFS

When Travis isn't busy screaming at Garbacz or running circles around pass rushers in Breakfast Club, he moonlights as one of the best defensive players in the TSL.  He has the field vision and instincts to understand what an opposing offense is trying to do and then the speed and athleticism to take it away.  He's no slouch offensively either and always seems to find cracks in the other team's defense (whether Joey sees him or not).

 

#15: Keyon Elias - Passed Our Prime

Keyon has been Hogan's most reliable weapon over the years on Passed Our Prime.  His combination of speed and hands is tough to beat as he just needs the smallest crack in a defense to explode into an open spot and make the catch.  His strength is definitely on the offensive side of the ball but he's a very capable defender also with the instincts and closing speed to make a play on any ball that comes his way.

 

#14: Kevin Zack - Sticky Bandits, DILFS

Kevin Zack is a matchup nightmare, and impossible to defend.  You just cannot play man defense against him with his speed, and he is the best underneath and traffic route runner in the league.  When the ball is in his hands you need an army of defenders to catch and corral him or he'll run circles around a defense.  Effort is never a question with Kevin as he is routinely going all-out diving around the field to make catches or break up passes.

 

#13: Johnny Yioulos - Eyes Downtown, Scared Hitless

Johnny Football was an "honorable mention" when we did our Greatest Male Players ranking last season, but he's vaulted up to the #13 spot this session.  Every time we reach out to the League and ask which players are really standing out to people, they always tend to mention Johnny's name.  Speed, route running, hands, Johnny is the total package and just an excellent football player who makes his teams flat out better.

 

#12: Dave Baker - Tight Ends in Motion, Notorious BNB

Dave has been in the "Top Male Players" mix for at least the last decade.  He has a well-deserved reputation as the smartest player in the game, and he routinely finds ways to beat players who are taller, younger and faster than he is.  No one sees the field like "Daddy Dave" and knows exactly how to attack the other team.  Even when he's not making the big play himself, he's drawing up the scheme that opens up one of his teammates to have success.  There isn't a team in this League that wouldn't benefit from his play-making instincts.  

 

#11: Eric Delecki - Eyes Downtown

Eric Delecki is one of the driving forces of Eyes Downtown's success.  He is "the guy" his defense relies on to make a play, and opposing offenses often have to gameplan around him if they want to have any success.  His instincts are incredible, and he often makes a play when the other team is least expecting it, completely changing the complexion of a game in the blink of an eye.  When Bobby needs a big play, Delecki is no slouch on offense either, finding a hole in a zone or just running past the poor defense.

 

#10: Andy Smigiera - Tight Ends in Motion

What else do you expect when a guy allegedly gets a tryout for an NFL team?  He has speed and athletic ability that could take it to the house at any point.  Andy has only been playing in the league for a few sessions, but he has become a household name already for Tight Ends.  This is a guy you don’t want to throw the ball anywhere near when you're on offense, and a guy you game plan for on defense.  You have to know where he is at all times or he'll embarrass you.

 

#9: Drew Colosimo - When Dove Cries, Sticky Bandits

Once the Intern, Drew has become a fixture on Topper's teams over the years and now the Sticky Bandits in D1.  You can see his goalie instincts in the way he plays the game of football.  Drew has big hands, long arms, and his catch radius is ridiculous (which you need when Topper is throwing the ball).  He shines more on offense than defense but even there he has the speed and instincts to jump a route and make a quarterback look silly.

 

#8: Kyle Conniff - Tight Ends in Motion, Passed Our Prime

Kyle is another two-way player that just shouldn’t come off the field, as he is too vital to his team on both sides of the field.  As good is he is on offense (precise route running and making great catches look routine) he is probably even better on defense.  He's impossible to shake and can man just about anyone in the league and shut them down.  He knows his zone, and his communication is top notch.  Kyle is a guy you want on the field captaining a last-minute defensive stand.

 

#7: Nick Voss - Grey Hair - Don't Care, 716

The MVP of D3 has moved up to D2 and hasn't slowed down a bit.  He used his speed (and anonymity) to beat players in D3 and now that he's in D2 he has become the #1 go-to player on his team.  Nick is the person that teams now gameplan against when they play Grey Hair, and yet he still gets it done.  He has the speed and athleticism to make difficult catches look easy, and the anticipation and speed to make up and close down passing lanes.  Nick is the first person on this list to have been named on every QB Committee member's ballot.

 

#6: "Stoner" Dave Gdaniec - Tight Ends in Motion

Stoner Dave is the perfect combination of speed and intensity for Tight Ends in Motion.  He routinely makes difficult catches when the ball is thrown anywhere near him, and he has the speed on both sides of the ball to make plays that you didn't think he'd be even close to.  Stoner is a cannabis fueled Terminator who never tires and leaves it all out on the field every week.

 

#5: Chris Nelson - Legends

Chris is the best pure athlete in the TSL.  You've seen him play, you know how fast he is and that his catch radius is seemingly endless.  Every opponent Chris plays against has to account for him at all times on both sides of the ball.  He may not have the weekly consistent productivity of the players ranked above him as he seems to coast through games sometimes, but in terms of raw potential on any given play, there is no one in the League who is better than Chris Nelson.  

 

#4: Adrian Cannon - Sticky Bandits, TOX

Adrian is a relative newcomer in the league who is just getting started.  Every opponent says the same thing after every game: he's not just fast, he seems to "glide" around the field.  He always gets the defense taking three steps back before the ball is snapped because they're terrified that he's going to run right past them.  Adrian is a terrific route runner and equally capable in man coverage.  A couple years down the line this guy may be the next “Boccio” that the League uses as it's standard for greatness.

 

#3: Derek Bongiovanni - Tight Ends in Motion

Derek is like 6’4” (we're guessing), runs fast as hell and just routinely gets behind the defense.  Teams try to gameplan for him but are consistently surprised and caught off guard by his deep speed.  Just when you think you've shut Tight Ends in Motion down, it's Derek for a deep ball that you ALMOST had covered but he pulls it down out of nowhere.  He isn't particularly known for his defense, but he's very capable on both sides of the ball.  Also one of the nicest guys in the League, Derek is universally respected by teammates and opponents alike.

 

#2: Mike Boccio - Legends

What can we say about Boccio that you haven't heard before?  This guy has won countless MVP’s in the highest division.  He is a true two way player with the brainpower to make his physical attributes even more dangerous.  He has speed, intelligence, and route running to make him a nightmare to cover, and he has the speed and intelligence on defense to make adjustments and make up speed when he is beat.  His instincts can be game changing, and although this season he lost the Cole-to-Boccio connection that made him famous, he's still one of the best players in the game.

 

#1: Sean Weisensal - Legends, Passed Our Prime

Pound for pound Sean may be the top athlete in the game today.  He is a nightmare on offense with the speed, power, height and jumping ability to catch any ball thrown his way, even when coverage is perfect.  If you need a play on offense and you need one of your guys to GO GET THAT BALL, he is the guy you want to be throwing it to.  Defensively he has the range and the instincts to make plays all over the field, and despite his reputation he still tends to be underestimated a bit because teams don't think a guy his size will move that quickly.  He's currently the #1 non-QB Male Player in the TSL, and if you have any questions feel free to ask him, he'd be happy to tell you why he's the greatest.

 

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Male (Non-QB) Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("I've never even heard of these guys!  I'm so much better than all these other players!  And since when does Stoner Dave have a last name?") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on our next "Rankings".  Next week we'll be looking at the Division All-Star Teams, which are 10 man rosters constructed from the best of each division (each team will have at least one player represented, except D4 which has a dozen teams).  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight who your team's all-star(s) should be, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

• June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
• June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher?  you had a good game in D6 last week and you think it's not fair that D1 athletes get more coverage than you?  you find Scotty Dro's "throwing picks and sexting dicks" line offensive?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 7 Power Rankings

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Thursday, 02 June 2022 17:39

Published: Thursday, 02 June 2022 17:39

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1576

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

How'd you like those Greatest Male (Non-QB) Players rankings last week?  The most common feedback we got was as follows:

• "The Rankings were TERRIBLE, you guys don't know what you're doing".  
• There was either too much or not enough representation from lower divisions (we were somehow criticized for both).
• There was too much Tight Ends in Motion, considering they were a 1-5 team (at the time) and had five of the top 12 players.  It was weird how many people pointed out THIS team specifically.

 

Here is our response to those points:

• Between the various people that submit ballots on our Committee, we'd wager we watch a LOT more games than most of you.  We stand by our votes, and the feedback of everyone who actually wrote in to make suggestions.  People that didn't write in have lost the right to complain.
• It has ALWAYS been difficult to compare people from different divisions.  How does Pete Walbrandt compare to Stoner Dave?  How does Dan Gonzalez compare to Eric Delecki?  We take into account what division people play in every week in the QB Rankings, and people complain about that too.  "You're just saying this guy's great because he plays in a higher division!"  Sure, but maybe you just think your guy is great because he's had a few good games in D6.  Some lower division guys would still be absolute studs in higher divisions, we get that and we try to recognize them... but others are just a product of their environment.  We do our best to factor that into our Rankings.
• Tight Ends won the highest division in this League less than a year ago.  Come on.  They have a new QB and all new girls, and they are dealing with the growing pains of that.  It's not like Derek, Stoner, Kyle and Dave suddenly forgot how to play football, and if you can't understand why they're ranked as highly as they are, that's on you.  There's a reason all those guys showed up on so many ballots.  

 

We're smart enough to know that no one will ever agree with the Rankings we publish (they don't agree with the QB Rankings either!) but screw it - we're going to keep making them.  Partly because debating "who is better than who" is one of the most fun aspects of sports, but partly because we just want to continue to shine a spotlight on great football players.  Yes, people get more wrapped up in the negative than the positive ("why wasn't I ranked" or "why wasn't I ranked higher" are the only two responses we ever seem to hear) but look at it this way: you're a 35 year athlete that never made the pros, and a website is still writing about your athletic accomplishments in 2022.  Try to see the glass as half full on that one, okay?  

 

With that said, we don't have a special "Ranking" for you to complain about this week, but we will be looking at Division All-Stars, which we'll explain below.  We're sure you'll disagree with those too, but first, here are your QB Rankings for the week.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Of course all of these Rankings are now a joke with Christine Krol averaging 77 points a game throwing for Not So Sticky (yes, that happened), but we aren't including her in the above chart because that's really an impossible standard for our other quarterbacks to compete with.  These are the best of the rest:

 

#1 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 49-16

All three D1 QBs battling for the #1 spot scored between 43-49 points and their teams allowed between 14-16 points this week.  We told you these three were close!  Eyes Downtown run their winning streak to five games in a row by annihilating Bullet Club in a game whose outcome was never in doubt.  Of COURSE Bobby's ranking doesn't change this week.

 

#2 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 43-14 (Legends)

Legends looked they could have beaten When Dove Cries by 70 if they wanted.  It wouldn't have changed Joey's ranking one way or another.  At this point the only way any of these top three QBs move up or down next week is if there's an upset in a D2 crossover game or something truly ridiculous in a Stunts game.  

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Beat Notorious BNB 48-14

The Sticky Bandits are now the single highest scoring team in the TSL at 38.6 PPG.  The betting odds against that last year would have been enormous, but that's where we are today.  Mike Thomas might be the TSL's Most Improved Player this year, but... it doesn't change his ranking.  He'll be #3 next week too with Sticky on a bye, unless Bobby or Joey suffer a freak loss against D2 on Saturday.

 

#4 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Beat When Dove Cries 29-24

Scared Hitless has two more wins than the next best team in D2 and they can lock up the #1 seed (and first round playoff bye) with a win or tie next week against D1 Tight Ends in Motion.  They'll probably be underdogs, and rightly fully so, but the gap between D1 and "the rest of D2" isn't as big as the gap between D1 and Scared Hitless.  We're expecting a close one.

 

#5 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Notorious BNB got killed on Saturday without Buchlis, but you've got to wonder how different it would be if he were available.  Doesn't Alex know his former team's strengths and weaknesses better than anyone?

 

#6 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 24-23

Passed Our Prime beat Grey Hair by one point on May 7th.  Three weeks later they would lose to Grey Hair by one point.  Can't wait to see the playoff rematch here!  Passed Our Prime takes on Legends in their D1 Crossover game this week, but which team will #1 receiver Sean Weisensal be playing for?

 

#7 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Lost to Tight Ends in Motion 34-23

Three D2 teams got killed in their D1 crossover games this week, but only DILFS made a real game out of theirs.  We're not sure which team that says more about, but if anyone's not going to be intimidated by playing the best teams in the League, it's Dubey.  He's been playing top teams and beating them for years.

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Buffalo Vice 46-21

We thought this one would be closer, but Untouchaballs easily handled Buffalo Vice by 25 points this week.  Burr has led his team to only one loss this season and he's in no rush to add a second.  Untouchaballs are tied for the best record in the League at 6-1, and they're also third in scoring at 38.1 PPG (half a point out of first place).  What does it take for Burr to go up in the Power Rankings?? Has he reached the natural ceiling of a D3 quarterback?

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Passed Our Prime 24-23

Grey Hair - Don't Care have three losses this season, and they've already avenged two of them by beating Passed Our Prime and DILFS in rematches over the past two weeks.  The only D2 team they haven't beaten yet is Notorious BNB (okay they haven't even played Bullet Club yet, but we're assuming they win that one too).  These guys went from 0-3 to championship contenders REAL fast.

 

#10 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Beat 4th & Something 38-28

Hey didn't Scotty used to QB for Frodo Swaggins?  Frodo and 4th & Something are both 4-3 after Garrett bested Scotty on Saturday, but Frodo is second in the division in scoring (36.6 PPG) and 4th & Something is seventh (28.0 PPG).  Advantage: Beesing.

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-16 (Bullet Club), lost to Sleezin Szn 34-26

We had no hope that D2's coldest team could beat D1's hottest team in this week's Crossover game, but we felt VERY strongly that D3's hottest team would beat D3's coldest team.  Imagine our surprise when winless Sleezin Szn upset Freeballers this week!  This is why we play the game folks, anyone truly CAN beat anyone else week to week.  

 

#12 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Lost to Frodo Swaggins 38-28

4th & Something's last four games are a 25 point loss, a 1 point win, a 47 point loss and a 10 point loss.  This is definitely a team that's trending in the wrong direction, but nothing is beyond saving when you have Scotty Drosendahl slinging it out there.  This week's Itches and Ohs game will be a big sign of whether these guys are ready to sack up and rediscover their mojo, or if they're just in freefall for the rest of the season.

 

#13 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Beat DILFS 34-23 (Tight Ends in Motion), lost to Untouchaballs 46-21 (Buffalo Vice)

Tight Ends won their first game of the season with Seth at QB on Saturday, beating DILFS by two scores in their D2 crossover game.  Buffalo Vice then went on to lose to D3 giant Untouchaballs later in the day.  Neither result is a surprise, really, and Seth's ranking stays the same.  If Darryl is #1 in our Hair ranking, Seth should be #1 in our mustache ranking.

 

#14 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 34-24

B's Brother's Brother led Practice Squad to their sixth win of the season, tied with five other teams for the best in the TSL (we do not have a seven-game winner yet).  This is a smart, balanced team: they may have the fifth best offense in their division, but they also have the third best defense, the best point differential (barely) and the best record.  A win over XMD this week might just lock up the #1 seed for the Squad (and we hear rumors XMD may have already forfeited?).

 

#15 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 22-16

This past Saturday was the first in the month of May that Spinelli's did not lose a game.  In a division where only 8 teams make playoffs, the win over Vaspian keeps Spinelli's in 7th place and in decent position to hold onto their playoff berth.  If they were hoping for an easy opponent this week, they'll be disappointed to look at the calendar and see Cunning Stunts on their schedule.

 

#16 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 36-35

Between bye weeks and rain-outs, Itches hadn't played a game since May 7th, and they hadn't won a game since April 30th.  Steve played a great game against a suddenly improved Show Me Dem TDs though (and without his all-star sister Laura present) to get Itches back in the win column and back to .500 this week.

 

#17 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Today's Feast 48-19

Puckett just DESTROYED Today's Feast on Saturday to re-affirm their position as one of the better teams in D4 this session.  They lost a few games early in the season that made us think they were in trouble, but those days seem long gone now after Puckett's third win in a row.

 

#18 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Lost to Show Me Dem TDs 36-34, beat Freeballers 34-26

Winless Sleezin Szn beat the hottest team in their division at 11 am, then lost to the only other winless team in their division at 1 pm.  We have no idea what to make of this.  For what it's worth, their offense is actually getting decent production, tied for fourth (middle of the pack) in their division.  Their division worst defense though (37.0 PPG) could use some improvement if they want to win any more games this season.

 

#19 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Beat TOX 38-23

Interdimensional Lightning Falcons are -6 in point differential on the season after beating TOX by two scores this week.  They are a true middle of the pack team right now that seems to win hopeless games and lose winnable games.  Joe Miano has the receivers and the arm talent, but they need consistency if they want to compete for the D4 title over the next few weeks.

 

#20 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the 6-1 Cobblestoners this week.

 

#21 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 35-34

One point may define the entire season for both XMD and Can't Touch This.  XMD are currently 3-4 and clinging to the last playoff spot in D4, and Can't Touch This are 4-3 and sitting in fifth place, feeling good about their playoff chances.  If XMD could score another point for the tie (or another two for the win) these two teams flip spots in the standings and it's Can't Touch This at risk of falling out of contention.  Those extra points are huge!    

 

#22 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Beat Woodpeckers 40-33

Travis Henry's Kids have the longest current winning streak in the League at six in a row.  Over that span they've won every game by at least 19 points EXCEPT for their two games against Woodpeckers (which they won by 7 and 8).  If anyone can stop John in the playoffs it's Joe Buscaglia and his 6'11" receivers.

 

#23 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat XMD 35-34

Make that four in a row for Can't Touch This as they narrowly beat XMD in a game with huge playoff implications.  Ryan is a rising star in the TSL and although we're not sure Can't Touch This are ready for the D4 title this season, we wouldn't be surprised if they were the frontrunners next year.

 

#24 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries

Last Week:  Lost to Scared Hitless 29-24, lost to Legends 43-14

No QB plummeted further in the Power Rankings than Topper this week, which doesn't seem fair considering he barely lost to the best team in his division and then got creamed by a team in a higher division for his Crossover game.  Sorry Topper.  We wonder if he's ever had a winless season in his long and storied career?  

 

#25 Andy Clark - Show Me Dem TDs

Last Week:  Lost to Itches and Ohs 36-35, beat Sleezin Szn 36-34

The Show Me Dem TDs team that showed up on Saturday looked completely different than the team we've seen get killed all season.  Andy was on fire scoring 35 and 36 points in their doubleheader, and although they only went 1-1 on the day it wasn't for lack of good offense.  If this team can build on Saturday (and learn how to play some defense) they might actually compete in the playoffs.

 

#26 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for the Mafia this weekend.  We don't have any cool stats about them either.  

 

#27 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Lost to Spinelli's 22-16

Vaspian scored 36 points against Varsity Has Beens back on April 30th.  Here are their other offensive point totals for the season, from oldest to most recent: 19, 15, 20, 22, 12, 16.  And they're 5-2, ahead of ten other teams in the D4 standings!  There's something to be said for winning ugly, but at some point we'd like to see that offense take off.

 

#28 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack

Last Week:  Lost to Practice Squad 34-24

There are five teams in the League that are averaging under 20.0 PPG on offense, and Zack Attack is one of them.  Three of those five teams are terrible, one is not TERRIBLE but not very good, and the fifth... is Zack Attack, who own the fourth best defense in the League and are only -4 on the season so far.  

 

#29 Derek Pew - 716

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 15-14

Fifteen points isn't a great week, but a win's a win, and 716 is 5-2 coming into the home stretch.  They're currently tied with Vaspian for best defense in the League allowing only 17.1 PPG, and they're third in point differential too (+13.0 PPG).  This is a really solid team that CAN win their division, but likely won't get the best betting odds (fairly or otherwise) when the playoffs roll around.

 

#30 Kyle Sims - Today's Feast

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 48-19

Today's Feast had one close game this season on April 23rd when they fell to Varsity Has Beens by 6 points.  Other than that, they have won games by 16 and 42 points, and lost games by 22, 29, 31 and 40 points.  Inconsistency will probably keep the Feast out of the D4 playoffs if they can't string together two more wins to end the season.

 

 

***

 

Graphs and Stats of the Week

 

We'll give the graphs a rest for a week and just show you a nice, simple chart.  Here are the Top Ten (and Bottom Ten) teams in the League for Offense, Defense, and Point Differential per Game:

 

 

What did we learn from this?

 

Scoring is way down from the last few sessions.  The average team is scoring (and conversely, giving up) 28.5 PPG this season.  Last Fall the average was 31.1 PPG, the Spring before that it was 30.2 PPG, and the Fall before THAT it was 29.9 PPG (aren't you glad we keep these records?).  That may not seem like a big difference, but it kind of is.  Over those last three seasons we've always had exactly three or four teams average 40+ PPG.  At this moment in this season we have zero, with our #1 scoring team (Sticky Bandits) a full 1.67 PPG behind the 40+ mark.  

 

Conversely, we now have five teams averaging under 20.0 PPG allowed on defense (all of which play in D4 or D5).  Last season we had zero, with only a handful under 20.0 PPG allowed the two seasons before that (remember when Mountain Dew Me allowed only 6.3 PPG a couple years ago??).

 

Travis Henry's Kids is the only team in the League so far this session to rank among the Top Ten best offenses AND the Top Ten best defenses.  Naturally, they're first in overall point differential.  

 

Bullet Club, TOX and Two Tuddies all managed to make the "Top Ten Worst" lists for both offense and defense.  Unsurprisingly they are a combined 1-19-1.  Hey, isn't there one guy that plays on two of those three teams?

 

Not really "points" related, but for at LEAST the fifth season in a row the TSL will finish without a single undefeated team (Breakfast Club excluded).  We don't have standings going back more than five seasons, but the website poll from July 2019 says "Public Enemy and Matty's Angels come up short in bid for undefeated seasons!" so we're betting it's at LEAST six seasons without a TSL team running the table.  Winning is hard!  On the other hand...

 

We currently have two winless teams in the TSL with two weeks to play.  Assuming Bullet Club and Two Tuddies don't BOTH pull off a miracle by June 11th, we will finish with at least one winless team for the third straight season.  Fall 2020 was the last time we had no winless teams in the League.  Losing is easy!

  

***

 

Division All-Star Teams

 

We tried this a couple seasons ago and liked the concept of it, so why not try it again?  Below are our TSL Division All-Star Teams.  Here's how it works:

• We selected a team of 10 players from each division.  Teams had to have one designated QB, at least five other male players, and at least three female players.  The tenth spot could be either male or female depending on the strength of each particular division.
• Every division must have at least one All-Star from EACH team in the division (except for D4 which has twelve teams fighting to fill ten spots).  After each team gets their minimum one representative, we'll fill out the rest of the roster however we want.
• If a player plays in more than one division, they are only eligible for the highest division they play in, UNLESS it's for a different position (i.e. Jeremy Burr is eligible as both a receiver in D1 and a quarterback in D3, but Aaron Balcerzak is only eligible as a receiver in D2 and not D4).  This came up a lot.
• This is not strictly a ranking of who the "best" player is on each team.  You might see an athlete from one team make our list over a teammate that was higher than him or her on our Male/Female Rankings from the past couple of weeks.  We're just looking for the best combination of players to fill out a team, and we'll take into account ALL that player offers when making our choices.  For example, Derek Bongiovanni was rated more highly than Kyle Conniff on our Male Players list from last week, but if we think we'd get more out of Kyle's leadership and defense, we might choose him over Derek.

 

So that's how it works.  It'll all be subjective of course so try not to get too excited when you don't see your name below.  These are the best combination of All-Star teams WE could think of given the rules above.  If you think you can do better, feel free to send us yours at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and we'll be happy to argue.

 

Oh, and the names within each category (male players vs female players) are arranged alphabetically by last name, so don't read anything into the order, they're not ranked best to worst.

 

Here are your Division All-Star Teams:

 

 

There are a million combinations we could have done, but those were the best teams WE could think of given our own set of rules here.  

 

Also we don't know "the Iceberg's" real name on Lettuce Win, but we're calling him the Iceberg because a) we can't resist the lettuce pun b) he's huge c) there's got to be more to him than we know, and d) he can totally sink your ship

 

And that's it for Division All-Stars.  We have only one other "special ranking" planned for the year and that is Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers next week.  Our June 16 article will be our usual post-season preview, so no other "Best This or That" type rankings that week.  If you have any input for which people you think should be in a TSL Hall of Fame, let us know!

 

***

 

That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team's QB should be ranked higher? you thought this would be your chance to shine in the D5 all-star team listing and we still snubbed you?  the average age of our division all-star QBs is over 50 and you demand a youth movement?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

Week 5 Rankings

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Category: TSL QB Power Rankings

Created: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13

Published: Thursday, 19 May 2022 14:13

Written by Patrick McGovern

Hits: 1329

 

Hello and welcome back to the TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  

 

Last week we looked at the Greatest Teams in TSL History.  This week we look at the Greatest Female Players in the TSL (and we even have one of our fancy "Team Graphs" for you).  Next week we look at the Greatest Male Players (Non-QB) in the TSL.  And of course, this week and every week we will also be looking at the Greatest QBs in the TSL (it's what we get "paid" for, after all).  

 

Enjoy!

 

 

#1 Joey Batts - Legends / Cunning Stunts

Last Week:  Beat Tight Ends in Motion 38-16 (Legends)

There have been ten D1 games so far this session, excluding crossover games.  Four games been decided by 11+ points (more than one score).  All four were Legends games (three wins and a loss).  Cunning Stunts aren't exactly struggling either, though they didn't play this week.  Still #1 in your Rankings and in your heart, Joey Batts.

 

#2 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 49-48

Bobby moves up one spot in the Rankings with a nearly flawless game against the Sticky Bandits.  Eyes Downtown have won three in a row now against all three of their D1 opponents after starting the season 0-2.  Whatever was wrong with these guys doesn't seem like a problem anymore.

 

#3 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits

Last Week:  Lost to Eyes Downtown 49-48, beat Scared Hitless 33-30

Thomas is still the highest scoring quarterback in D1 and is just a few plays away from being 6-0 this season.  Of course he's also a few plays away from being 1-5 this season, so tough to know what to make of that.  The Sticky Bandits are the only D1 team to have not lost a game by more than 6 points so far this session (Legends will look to change that this week).

 

#4 Alex Buchlis - The Notorious BNB

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 54-14

There are only two teams in the TSL averaging more than 40 PPG right now: one of them is Notorious BNB, and the other plays in D4.  Bullet Club is struggling but 54 is a good day for Buchlis no matter who the opponent.  Notorious BNB is now the only team in D2 with only one loss in the standings (even though our website has them in 4th for some reason).

 

#5 Jeremy "Hogan" Olson - Passed Our Prime

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 27-8

It's strange when Passed Our Prime is NOT leading their division in scoring, but right now they're #2 to Notorious BNB (there's a chart below if you want to scroll down a bit).  Bullet Club is allowing the fourth most points per game in the League, so we're a little disappointed Hogan couldn't put up 50+ against them.  Must have been an off day.

 

#6 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless

Last Week:  Lost to Grey Hair - Don't Care 14-0, lost to Sticky Bandits 33-30 (Crossover game)

We don't care even a little that Dylan lost the TSL's first Crossover game of the season against a D1 team.  If anything it's impressive that they almost won.  That shutout loss against Grey Hair - Don't Care though... that was unexpected.  We know they weren't at full strength, but getting blanked is enough to drop Dylan a couple spots in the Rankings this week.

 

#7 Seth Molisani - Tight Ends in Motion / Buffalo Vice

Last Week:  Lost to Legends 38-16 (TEIM), beat Frodo Swaggins 47-46 (Buffalo Vice)

The Tight Ends in Motion offense is averaging 17.5 PPG in their last two weeks, both losses.  The Buffalo Vice offense is averaging 39.0 PPG in their last two weeks, both wins.  We suspect Seth is having more fun with the latter.  Maybe Dan Gonzalez is a faster receiver than Ben Stack.  Can we have them race?

 

#8 Jeremy Burr - Untouchaballs

Last Week:  Beat Show Me Dem TDs 37-15

The Untouchaballs have the best record, best offense, (second) best defense, and the best point differential in D3.  Do they have the best quarterback too?  What's the highest a pure D3 quarterback has ever gone in our Rankings before?  We should look that up.  Next week will be the Battle of the 'Balls between Untouchaballs and Freeballers, debatably the next best team in the division, in what should be the game of the week.

 

#9 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 14-0, beat DILFS 40-39

Grey Hair - Don't Care started the season 0-3, and they're on a 3-0 tear ever since.  Shutout win over division-leading Scared Hitless, huge win (with absolutely zero controversy) over DILFS... Eickhoff has completely turned around his team's season over the past couple of weeks.  Grey Hair looks to be one of maybe five real contenders in D2 this season.  

 

#10 Brandt Dubey - DILFS

Last Week:  Did Not Play

DILFS went 1-1 without Dubey this week.  We wonder how he would have reacted to the "Garbacz Incident"...

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - Bullet Club / Freeballers

Last Week:  Lost to Notorious BNB 54-14, lost to Passed Our Prime 27-8 (Bullet Club)

Hey how about those Freeballers?  They had a bye this week and they've only played three games this session.  We THINK they're still undefeated with Dylan quarterbacking, so that's pretty exciting.  Yes, there is absolutely nothing else to talk about with teams that Dylan quarterbacks, so let's move along to the next guy in our Rankings...

 

#12 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins

Last Week:  Lost to Buffalo Vice 47-46

Oh, Garrett.  You love the TSL so much that you're committed to giving the fans their money's worth every week as they watch the end of your games.  Never a dull moment.  Frodo seems destined to finish 4-4-1 with a +0 point differential.  We look forward to their quadruple overtime playoff games next month.  

 

#13 Scott Drosendahl - 4th & Something

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Scotty lost one game against Untouchaballs and he needed a week off to regroup.  After two straight weeks of meditation and silent reflection, we expect he will never lose another game.

 

#14 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing

Last Week:  Lost to Can't Touch This 46-29

We were ready to crown these guys as D4 champions a couple weeks ago when they were murdering everyone in their path.  Obviously it's too early to panic (they still have the best point differential in their division, and the best offense in the entire League at 42.6 PPG) but still, maybe they aren't as destined for the championship game as we once thought.  

 

#15 Steve Moser - Itches and Ohs

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No Itches and Ohs game this week due to the weather situation for our 3 o' clock games.  Lucky for them, we hear they were missing Steve anyway.

 

#16 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad

Last Week:  Lost to Vaspian 22-15

Fifteen points?  B, you're supposed to be better than that.  This was Practice Squad's first loss of the year (and against another undefeated team) so we'll let it slide and keep you in the #16 spot this week, despite all the pressure we get from your detractors to #MoveBdown.

 

#17 Jeff Jenkins - XMD

Last Week:  Did Not Play

XMD is 0.5 PPG away from joining the elite 40+ PPG club.  Maybe next week Jeff!

 

#18 TJ Ferguson - Puckett All-Stars

Last Week:  Beat Zack Attack 32-17

We learned this week that before Puckett All-Stars were "Puckett All-Stars", they were "Cupcake" and "Go Fumble Yourself".  No word on whether TJ QBed all those iterations of this team, but we short-changed them on our All-Time Team Rankings last week by treating the four time champs as three separate teams.  Sorry guys... don't change names so much!  The combined Puckett All-Stars/Cupcake/Go Fumble Yourself Team has won two D4 championships as well as a D5 and a D6 title (good for #29 on our all time Ranking).  They're also tied with A&A for second most championships of all time, and if they win D4 this session they will tie Public Enemy for most championships in TSL history with five.  

 

#19 Blake Fisher - Red Zone Mafia

Last Week:  Beat Passing While Intoxicated 51-12

Red Zone Mafia had their second 50+ point game of the season on Saturday and they're one of three 1-Loss teams at the top of the D5 standings.  We don't factor in non-QB contributions to these rankings, but if we did Blake would be towards the top our list.

 

#20 Matt Newman - Sleezin Szn

Last Week:  Did Not Play

Sleezin Szn has only played three games, and Newman didn't make at least one of them, and they haven't won a game yet.  Slow start to this Szn!

 

#21 Joe Miano - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons

Last Week:  Lost to Today's Feast 36-20

Joe Cool has had an up and down season for the Falcons, beating Spinelli's one week and losing to the Feast the next.  We're still not sure how good this team is, and they've been in the League forever now.  Lump them into that "dangerous enough that they can beat anyone, but also inconsistent enough that they could get rocked in the first round of playoffs" category.

 

#22 Brian Orzechowski - Vaspian

Last Week:  Beat Practice Squad 22-15

Vaspian is undefeated and yet they have only the 34th best points per game in the TSL.  The fact that they allow 16.0 PPG on defense is a huge part of their success, and frankly the reason Brian isn't higher on this list despite having a better record in his division than six of the quarterbacks ranked higher than him.  Is that fair?  We're not sure!

 

#23 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone

Last Week:  Beat Tater Tots 34-14

Cobblestone is #1 in the D5 standings with a 5-1 record after thoroughly handling the Tots this week.  They're a fairly balanced team this year boasting the division's third best offense and third best defense.  But their defense doesn't have famous hair and the offense does, so Darryl gets the credit.  Sorry LeSeaon.

 

#24 Ryan Dougherty - Can't Touch This 

Last Week:  Beat Spinelli's Plumbing 46-29

Who is this guy?  We don't know much about Ryan Dougherty or Can't Touch This (if only they would e-mail us!) but after a miserable start to the season (0-3 and averaging 11 PPG) they've now ripped off two wins in a row against Practice Squad and... Spinelli's Plumbing?  Okay.  We'll keep an eye on these guys.

 

#25 John Langley - Travis Henry's Kids

Last Week:  Did Not Play

No game for John "The Arm" Langley this week.

 

***

Here's a quote from our very own Power Rankings Committee two weeks ago: "We've said many, many times in this article already that we didn't want to show team performance charts yet because it's way too early in the season for that stuff to have any meaning.  And that's true.  But screw it, here's a "way too early to mean anything" chart for you on each team's points per game (sorted by division).  And we added the Super Bowl era Buffalo Bills at the bottom as a comparison so you can see how much better (or worse) you are.  As always, forfeit games are excluded from the numbers below."

 

Well, it's two weeks later!  This is usually the cut-off in the season where most teams have actually played enough games for stats to have SOME meaning.  The average team has played 4.82 games so far (more than halfway through our season), and TMA has already played seven games somehow, so we're ready to actually start discussing trends.  Here's the same graph, but with more meaningful results:

 

 

So what have we learned from this?

 

Spinelli's Plumbing is still the highest scoring team in the League two weeks after they dominated our original chart, but their ridiculous lead over the next best team has dwindled from nearly 10 PPG to less than 1 PPG as Notorious BNB is right on their heels for best offense in the TSL.  Spinelli's and BNB are the only teams in the League scoring more than 40 PPG.

 

If 40+ PPG is the gold standard for great offenses, then 20 PPG or less should be considered the "gold standard" for terrible offenses.  And we've got several of them with TEN teams failing to average 20+ PPG.  We won't name them all (you can read a graph, right?) but TOX, Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers are currently battling it out for last place offensively.

 

The League is currently averaging 28.0 PPG, so if your team is scoring more than that, you're better than average.  The same works for defense by the way (which we haven't shown above), if your team is averaging giving up more than 28.0 PPG, you can throw a little blame on your defense.

 

D1 appears to be the most even division top to bottom with only 10.3 PPG separating the Sticky Bandits from Tight Ends in Motion (if you'd asked us pre-season for best and worst D1 offenses, we might have guessed it'd be these two teams but in the reverse order).  There's a lot more disparity in other divisions though:  D2-D5 all have more than 20 PPG separating the top from the bottom, and D6 is a story of two sub-divisions (three teams that can score, and three that cannot).

 

The teams leading their respective divisions in offense right now are a combined 21-8.  The teams that have the FEWEST points per game in their divisions right now are a combined 2-24-1.  Tough to win without a productive offense.

 

Untouchaballs are undefeated in D3 and they lead their division in scoring, which makes sense.  Vaspian are undefeated in D4 and they are 9th in their division in scoring, which makes... less sense.  

 

Nothing to do with the TSL of course, but the Bills' best two offensive seasons during their '90s run came in the years they got destroyed in the SuperBowl, and the years their offense wasn't as good were the years they almost won.  Go figure.

 

***

The Greatest Female Players in the TSL

 

Remember when we had all those championship statistics to support our "Greatest Teams of All Time" last week?  Yeah, we don't have ANY of that for what we're about to attempt.  Below are the greatest active female players in the TSL, as determined by our own panel of experts along with input from everyone that emailed us this week to weigh in.  We didn't take all of your suggestions (we don't even know who some of the girls we were emailed about are) but when you see the same names over and over again it's kind of obvious who the best really are.  It's also kind of obvious when we look at the names being submitted that we're going through an interesting transition period with females in the League, as many of the top names from years past have gotten pregnant, injured or simply retired since last season.  Robin Makula, Katie Salisbury, Emily Curry, Lindsay Stoddard, none of those girls are playing this session.  And holy shit, that was just the Tight Ends in Motion roster.  Damn, they were stacked.  Margo is gone, Taylor is a part timer / awesome ref, Val is pregnant, Maggie seems to be gone.  It's a whole new era for the TSL and time for new women to step up and fill some pretty big shoes.

 

So here's what we're looking for on our "Greatest Female Players" list:

• Speed, hands, pass rushing, any kind of playmaking ability; we're not prioritizing one specific skill over another, we're trying to rank the best female players that would improve your chance of winning if they were on your team.
• Attitude and personality doesn't factor in UNLESS that player's intangibles are extremely great (motivational, positive teammates lift everyone up) or extremely bad (toxic complainers will bring a team down even if they have elite skills)
• They must be actively playing this session.  No, being on a roster and never showing up (or missing half the season so far) doesn't count. If you're not playing regularly, you're not eligible.

 

So that's our criteria.  First, some honorable mentions of people that were suggested by MULTIPLE Power Rankings Committee members and/or write-in votes.  Sorry if you wrote to us to suggest someone we didn't include; if you were the ONLY one that mentioned her, you won't see her name below.  The following honorable mentions are not ranked, but in alphabetical order by last name:

• Brittany Clarke - Cunning Stunts
• Ashton Fiegel - Practice Squad
• Amanda Paolucci - Passed Our Prime
• Emily Schilling - Frodo Swaggins, Cunning Stunts
• Elena Schratz - Passed Our Prime
• Jennifer Stachura - Come From Behind
• Katie Swanson - Spinelli's Plumbing, Lenny's Ladies
• Amy Taylor - The Notorious BNB
• Jackie Ufholz - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Red Zone Mafia

 

And now... your top Twenty Female Players in the TSL:

 

#20: Mackenzie Neary - Eyes Downtown, Blitzkrieg

The only girl in our League to play both D1 and D6 (how good to you have to be in D6 for D1 teams to start recruiting you?) Mackenzie Neary has never dropped a pass in her TSL career.  No, that can't be true, but it feels like it sometimes.  She's also a really solid route runner.

 

#19: Talia Calabro - When Dove Cries, Freeballers

Remember when Talia was just the really fun party girl everyone loved?  Oh she's still that girl, but somewhere along the line she got like 50x better at football, and now she's ripping it up in D2 and D3.  If we had a "Most Improved Player" award, she'd be one of our finalists.

 

#18: Renee Lantz - Practice Squad, Cunning Stunts

Renee "Best Lantz" Lantz always seems to be diving for the ball on offense AND defense.  She must be fairly durable to be flying around so much and not break everything.  Renee plays like her hair is on fire and has great instincts and athleticism.  Every team would be improved with a Renee.

 

#17: Nicole Sharick - Sticky Bandits

Nicole Sharick is an elite pass rusher on defense and one of the fastest girls in the TSL once she reaches her top speed.  She's capable of turning a 5 yard out into a 20 yard run after catch, which makes her especially dangerous when teams try to cover her with another girl.

 

#16: Maddie Norton - Legends, Varsity Has Beens

The former Cobblestone star has emerged from Darryl's Hair's shadow (how many times did we hear "who is THAT girl and why isn't she playing in a higher division?") and is now making a name for herself on the best team in D1, as well as running her own team in D4.  Maddie's a baller.

 

#15: Kelly Liddle - Legends, Cunning Stunts

Oh of course Kelly Liddle was going to be on this list.  She's been playing for like twenty years (sorry Kelly!) but she doesn't look like she's even close to losing a step.  Combine brains with athleticism and speed (and sure, good looks) and this is what you get.  Always a terror to play against.

 

#14: Sam Lattuca - Red Zone Mafia

By far the TSL's all-time female leader in passing touchdowns, Sam has the arm to throw and the vision/decisiveness to always make the RIGHT throw.  Oh, she can do everything else too, tenacious defense, catch passes, whatever you need, but it's her passing abilities that truly separate her from the rest of the League.

 

#13: Cat Peters - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

This All We Do is Quinn legend has gone on to fame as part of the Scared Hitless three-headed dragon that every D2 opponent cries about after they lose.  Cat is fast as hell and often ends up covered by another girl which is a recipe for disaster for that team.  And she's super nice too!

 

#12: Brandy Clarke - Cunning Stunts

If we're underrating one player on this entire list, we are confident it's Brandy Clarke.  She could play with any team in any division and immediately excel, but it's harder to stand out now that she's only on one team and surrounded by other Stunts talent at that.  She MIGHT be the single best defender in our Rankings too (see: #4 on this list for her only competition).  

 

#11: Rachel Parker - Sleezin Szn, Lenny's Ladies

Her teams are a combined 1-6 right now but don't blame that on Rachel Parker.  She's still a bad-ass who demands male coverage or she'll absolutely torch your team (and she'll probably torch it even covered by a guy).  Speed, route running and hands, she's the total package.

 

#10: Misty Himes - Zack Attack, Lenny's Ladies

There's speed and there's speed.  Looking at our Top Twenty here there's maybe ONE girl who's truly "faster" than Misty Himes?  It changes the way teams play defense when they have to account for speed like hers.  How does Zack Attack not average 40 PPG when they can just dump it off to Misty and watch her run?

 

#9: Laura Streeter - Sticky Bandits, Itches and Ohs

Laura Streeter is one of the most well-rounded players in the League.  Speed and hands on offense, aggressive and smart on defense, AND the stamina to go both ways all day for two teams.  She's a big part of why the Sticky Bandits are suddenly competitive in D1, and we're pretty sure she's at least 60% of the reason Itches and Ohs won D4 last session.

 

#8: Amber Hay - Grey Hair - Don't Care, Legends

If Talia doesn't win our fictional "Most Improved Player Award", it's because it went to Amber.  Remember when she wasn't THAT good a couple sessions ago?  Well she's picked up a few tricks since.  The speed was always there, but better hands and route running and defense and general play-making have made Amber a real asset to her teams.

 

#7: Cheryl Julicher - When Dove Cries

This is what we wrote last year: "Cheryl may go down as the GOAT whenever she retires (does she ride off into the sunset with Public Enemy?), and she has been the standard for years on what a top female can be in this League.  Her speed isn't elite, but she has great hands, she's tough as nails, gets open, and always makes the play that needs to be made."  All still true, except she's downgraded from Chris Cole to Topper at QB!

 

#6: Rachel Grampp - Eyes Downtown, Freeballers

Bobby's best weapon in D1 and Dylan's best weapon in D3, Rachel is just a great athlete and seems to thrive at everything on the football field.  With the game on the line and down by 8 points, she's the one her quarterbacks will be looking to for the big play.  

 

#5: Heather Cepuchowski - Legends

Heather is the highest ranked Public Enemy girl??  How about that.  She's really thriving this season on Legends and has been their best girl so far.  Heather always knows how to get open short or deep, and always seems to make a play on the ball.  There was a lot of debate about the ranking of the #6-#20 spots (and honorable mentions) but Heather (and the girl directly above her) made nearly everyone on our Committee's ballot in their Top Five.

 

#4: Jaimie Warren - Scared Hitless, Lenny's Ladies

Jaimie is elite in just about every aspect of the game (though we're not sure we've ever seen her rush the passer; presumably she'd be great at that too).  Route running and hands are A+ caliber and she's constantly nominated for "Best Defender" awards at our banquets for a reason.  Scared Hitless, we hope you know how lucky you are to have three of the top 13 girls in the League.

 

#3: Katie Keller - DILFS, 4th & Something

Now we get to the Top Three.  Every single one of our Committee members that submitted ballots had the exact same Top Three, though in slightly different orders.  In other words, no one ranked Katie Keller lower than 3rd best in the TSL.  She isn't the fastest girl in the League (we'll get to her next!) but her playmaking ability and instincts make the pride of the Keller clan (sorry Scotty) a threat on every play.  

 

#2: Caitlyn Mason - Buffalo Vice, Lenny's Ladies

Caitlyn is the fastest girl in the League.  Top speed and quickness are two different concepts we realize, but Caitlyn might be the best at both.  How many times have we seen her take routine catches and turn them into massive gains by juking around the entire defense?  It's almost unfair to the rest of us.  It's impossible to imagine another girl covering Caitlyn with any success.  Oh and she's great on defense too.

 

#1: Melanie Linsmair - Scared Hitless, Untouchaballs

Melanie Linsmair is the best female athlete in the TSL.  We ranked her third last year and said "you may not be aware of her yet.  You'll learn the name soon, we promise."  By now you must know who she is.  Teams KNOW the ball is coming to her and they still can't stop it.  Speed and toughness and hands and toughness (which we know we just said twice).  If you've played against her, you understand why she's #1.  She's also young and just seems to be getting started.  The future is bright.  

 

So now that you've seen our Greatest Female Players rankings and decided it's all bullshit ("Amber is way too high!  Kelly is way too low!  How is Katie Swanson just an honorable mention?!") we'll take this time to remind you that you HAD your chance to weigh in on these Rankings and you probably didn't.  We've been advertising this for months and sent a reminder on Facebook as well.  At this point there's nothing you can do about it... BUT you still have a chance to weigh in on the next set of rankings!  Next week we'll be looking at the Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League.  If you've got thoughts and want to highlight a male player that has stood out to you this season, let us know this week before it's too late.

Categories for the rest of the season are as follows:

• May 26: Best Male Players (Non-QB) in the League
• June 2: Division All-Star Teams Announced
• June 9: Most Likely TSL Hall of Famers

 

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That's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  that random girl who caught a touchdown once on your team isn't in our Top Females list?  graphs remind you of how dumb you felt in high school?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?